jjalone

[jjalone]

I just cried for 3 hours straight.

Why?

Because I went to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour Movie.

I cried, because that's as close as I'll ever get to something I enjoy.

I don't have someone that would take the time to think of me and purchase me tickets to an event I'd enjoy.

I've done it and still do it for people.

But no one does it for me.

My interests and joys mean nothing to most people. And the one person it should matter to, couldn't care less.

I can't even take myself, that person has me in such a financial chokehold, I'm even regretting splurging in this outing.

How pathetic is that? $60 to take my daughter, who wasn't even a swiftie, but drinks and popcorn... and I am worried about the money I spent.

I cried tears of joy over Taylor being amazing, but mostly over knowing this is a close to happy as I've been in years and even then I was worried the whole time about the frivolous spending.

I had to express that somewhere, this is not for sympathy, I just needed to get it out. Every time I see how much this person has placed me in a dark and confined box, I can't believe that I can be cashed so easily, but I'm just so stuck.

I want joy again!

[jjalone]

Ouch, too close to home. Or should I say, my heart.

never get too attached, you never know who they waiting on, talking to or missing.

[jjalone]

I'm an idiot. I've disappeared. I've hidden from friends, but held them tightly inside my heart.

This week, I took a quick trip. This trip had a purpose, but I also used it to indulge myself. No, not like I ate an extra dessert. Instead, I *ahem* spent time with someone.

In the moment I was absolutely joyous, but damn if I didn't immediately second guess my decision to do so.

Not because I don't deserve to indulge, but instead because as much a I told myself I was doing this on my terms and it was just for fun.

I lied. To myself. As much do wish I could just enjoy these meetings as just an indulgence, I can't. I'm more invested. I want more. Not immediately. But at the same time, yes, a little.

Oh. I've just sent myself spiraling down a black hole again.

Friends, I miss you. But I keep fucking up my own mental health. Now I hold you dear, and was so close to being ready to reach out again. Time to tackle my mental health and my desperation in regards to my "fwb". I need I let go, to move on, to take care of me.

Wow, there's a lot to unpack there. Good luck.

#07292022 #mjm

[jjalone]

Long time no Tumblr.

I reinstalled and logged in because I'm realizing on any other social media I am not allowed to be myself publicly, or even express how I am feeling unless it is happy or positive.

So, hello Tumblr. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions and being stuck sharing a hotel room with someone you truly despise is possibly the worst form of torture I can think of.

[jjalone]

“There’s nothing more intimate in life than simply being understood.”

— Brad Meltzer

[jjalone]

I pay my landlord. Landlord pays all the bills, utility, internet, etc.

Internet shuts off at 1am. Guess who didn't pay the bill that I paid them for... now to reinstate service, $200+. 3 months past due.

Ugh. Now, to check what other bills need paid. Oh and borrow the money to pay the bill.

#Fml #Just can't seem to get ahead

[jjalone]

I don't even know the last time I've been drunk. It's been well over a year. Tonight I got tipsy, not even drunk. I have the worst hiccups. What the hell?!?!

[jjalone]

When the wind is howling terribly outside at midnight, the only logical thing to do is stay a hot bath, grab a bowl of vanilla ice cream topped within homemade wild huckleberry sauce.

#I hate wind #01122021

[jjalone]

[jjalone]

My favorite part of my insomnia is when one of my cats curls up on top of my chest and starts purring.

I'm okay with not sleeping if that is what I get to listen to.

[jjalone]

[jjalone]

listen, when i go to open my mouth & what comes out is 12 degrees of seperation from what the original topic was, u need to connect the dots bitch. think fast. i’m not gonna hold ur hand but we’re leaving now and visiting every topic along the line. wave it goodbye, don’t get hung up on it

[jjalone]

“I found him in an antique store. He is baby.”

(Source)

[jjalone]

Just Scream Hotline

You can phone [phone], wait for the beep, scream, and then hang up. 

Just Scream “is a participatory sound art project created by Chris Gollmar”, an elementary school teacher. Your scream will be recorded and saved to a playlist depending on scream criteria such as featuring laughter, animal sounds, etc. The project will be archived on 21 January 2021 so it’s best to call today. 

I thought this project was perfect for my mutuals who regularly scream into the void here on Tumblr dot com. 

[jjalone]

it’s not ‘talking to myself’ it’s called a soliloquy you fuck

[jjalone]

I'm seriously considering some crazy ass shit right now.

I start college... again February 1st. That'll be good. If I do it right I'll graduate in six months.

But now... I'm considering doing some other training this summer to do some free lance work at my friend's salon.

What training you ask? Spray tan.

That's right, I'm considering getting certified and really good at spay tanning. Then I could rent space to spray tan on my day of each week and even on some weekends.

It makes me want to also learn how to do sugar waxing.

I gave a business idea. Just waxing and spray tanning. Super quick appointments, so more clients per day potential.

I even have a name... wait for it...

Sugar and Spice.

Yes, I'm cheesy.

Ugh. I just want my own business. I have so many ideas in my head. I just need money to make them happen.

#I'm crazy #I'm not even a girly girl #I need startup capital #and my degree is going to be business management with a human resources focus

[jjalone]