jiscvxs

[jiscvxs]

studying makes life worse

my brother came home from abroad for a while since his classes we're online due to the current panorama. he's helped me study since he's already studies what i have and he knows what to do whereas i don't. let me tell, i hate it when he helps me to study. i get anxious, i want to cry, i want to scream, i want to push myself off a cliff. i was studying math, and you know, you can find a lot of videos on youtube where they get straight to the point but we understand it, even if we don't know it deeply. well i was watching this video helping me in algebra, and my brother noticed so he asked me, well forced me. he said " oh do you want me to help you?" and i said no, but in a playful tone even though i really didn't want him to help, and saying it in a playful tone was a wrong choice. me and my brother tease each other a lot, and i guess he took this as a joke, not knowing it really wasn't. so i knew this was going to go down. at first and all it was easy and i actually understood and he went away, you don't know how happy i was when he did. but then i had some struggles again and he came again, and my happiness went as fast as when you put cotton candy in your mouth, weird reference but okay. anyway even though i knew this wasn't going to go well, i decided that i will try to understand, but oh no. i didn't have an idea on what he said, he asked me if i understood and i just said yes, when i really didn't and after a whole lot of explaining that i don't even remember a single bit of, so, he started saying stuff like this "oh your really gonna need this in the 12th grade", "you should listen carefully something like this might come for your entrance exam" and i was about to blow up, the tears i kept back started to slowly fall down but i managed to hide them, thankfully. LIKE I DON'T CARE IF IT COMES FOR AN EXAM THAT I'LL ONLY TAKE AFTER 2 YEARS. THE ONES I'M LEARNING RIGHT NOW IS ALREADY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HANDLE IT WHEN YOUR TELLING ME SOMETHING THAT I'LL ONLY LEARN AFTER 3 YEARS.

it was horrible, every second i stayed with him was horrible and i hated it. after some while, he made me do a practice problem of his own, meaning this wasn't in the syllabus and i went mad, my mind went crazy, like i was practically wasting my time learning for something in the future when i actually had to learn for something next week. so he told me to take a break because i'm gonna guess that he noticed how hard this was for me. anyway i went straight to the bathroom and let all the tears out. i had a horrible breakdown. i'm hoping he didn't hear it.

#my life sucks #i want to diiieeee #i want to disappear #i hate him #school sucks #i hate school #im tired #i dont fucking know #i dont fucking care

[jiscvxs]

ghosts are one thing, killers are another.

these days, i’ve been OBSESSED with true crime documentaries. so obsessed i’ve been skipping school for it, not a good idea, i think. i’d think of it as a guilty pleasure, not the exact definition i’d use for it here, but i don’t know what else to use. i’m pretty sure at least everyone. once in their life was scared of ghosts, i was too. everyday, i’d watch one or two of those fake ghost videos or those made up ghost stories on netflix, knowing they were fake, i was still scared as heck. when i’d use to sleep, i’d see like these black patches and when i’d see them, i would be so scared that i’d immediately close my eyes, as my younger self thought they were ghosts. i still see those patches thingy, but i think i know what it is. you see, i have glasses as i can’t see stuff in long sight. and i think they’re the explanation for this.

anywho, as i said, i’ve been obsessed with true crime documentaries, and the murderers, the killer, the bad people, just scare the shit out of me. knowing that one of these types of people must be around me still makes me look around and carry pepper spray. everytime i wake up in the middle of the night, wondering if theres a murderer stalling somewhere near me, and i just get the chills. 

this really is a horrible fear, but it’s the fact that it could be true that’s even scarier..

#fear scary murderers killers truecrime ghosts