jacobpepperjudy

[jacobpepperjudy]

[jacobpepperjudy]

https://positivepostings.tumblr.com/post/681698094523580417

[jacobpepperjudy]

I know I’m my own worst enemy. But I’m beginning to think that I should force myself into getting a little job for a small time construction crew. One with very few people working for the company or possibly just a 2man crew where the owner is the other person. And I think this because I’m miserable and broke and can’t pay my bills because I’m not working or even leaving the house I figure if I’m already going to be miserable I might as well be making money. I’ll just have to deal with the fear of possibly hurting someone.

The increase on my injection of haloperidol deconate I receive every 28days, that I started almost 2yrs ago, but just recently got put on a higher dosage, seems to be helping a great deal. My rage and anger are manageable and I can actually think before I act now. The dr. Told me she wanted to up my dosage to try to keep my monster/demon at bay. I think she might have made the right decision although I am still unstable I am definitely calmer and not so angry or violent and it’s kinda nice.

I don’t do anything routinely or daily and I seriously need to try my hardest to set a routine. I need to make myself a schedule and try my best to stick to it. But I’m on injectable medication because I can’t seem to want to routinely take medications or do anything routinely for that matter. I’ve got to somehow get myself motivated and set some achievable goals so maybe one day soon I can be more stable. Another big issue is I always think negative thoughts and make negative comments about everything people don’t like to be around me that often cause it rubs off on them. I need some daily positive inspiration in my life and I’ve got to try to get myself to think positive. I’m open for suggestions

[jacobpepperjudy]

It seems like everyday I wake up fighting mad. I’m stricken with horrible depression and I don’t know how to start my day because my thoughts are always negative. And because It’s a constant battle everyday to stay alive. That’s especially hard when your fighting suicidal thoughts and ideation. Well why? Because its me who is thinking I want to die and me living this miserable existence and its me who has the power to commit that act. But I suffer and struggle constantly for the people who love me. I don’t understand why people are so against suicide besides not getting to heaven(which I doubt god would damn you to hell for wanting to end your pain and if that was the only option to do so I don’t think he would judge you poorly on that)but what’s the problem with someone wanting to end all their pain and suffering. Some say it’s selfish and the coward way out but I could turn right around and say the people wanting me to live are being selfish they want me to live and suffer so they don’t get hurt by losing me. What they don’t realize is it’s not easy dealing with uncontrollable emotions. I don’t see how it could be the cowards way out when it isn’t easy deciding and acting to take your own life I know I’ve seriously attempted suicide many times resulting in critical care hospitalization . Why I think this you may ask yourself. But part of my reasoning behind my thoughts is because of the way I treat others and the way I react to different situations not because I’m hurting or depression but my concerns are Sometimes I am not safe or trustworthy around people. I react badly with rage, jealousy, hate, and I constantly think people are talking about me and sometimes I feel like they are plotting to kill me. And these thoughts are obsessive and I can’t stop them. So my natural reaction because I go into manic episodes is violence, rage and hate Towards others. I don’t like mistreating others but with my disorder sometimes I do hurt people. I’ve had to accept that. Luckily I haven’t hurt anyone very badly yet but I constantly fear that I may take someone else’s life because my thoughts and emotions in the heat of the moment and in my adventure away from reality because my thoughts are manic and obsessive and I can’t control them,I could see me fatally hurting someone if I’m not careful and If I feel seriously threatened. I might react badly. It’s not easy losing touch of reality and what’s truly happening around you. Sometimes I will see an object like a bird and I’ll look away and wen I look back the object isn’t there anymore. Sometimes I’ll go to grab on to something like a stair railing or a cup and wen I close my hands there isn’t anything there. Sometimes I’ll see objects flying towards me causing me to duck and flinch I sometimes get visits from people who have passed and I was close with.I also hear voices telling me to harm myself and others. I don’t see ghost i see the person and they appear like they did wen they were still alive. That’s a very difficult thing to experience especially when you are trying to mourn and get over losing that person. The visits and talks make it very hard to accept that that person is gone. And it makes it hard to let them go completely because they visit me. Some people judge and say I’m worthless because I am scared of getting a job or of being in crowded places or even being around more than 2-3 people at a time. But they don’t realize the entire reasoning. It’s not because I don’t want to work because trust me I would enjoy being able to pay my bills but it’s because I’m a possible danger to the people around me and I don’t want to hallucinate and do something causing injury to someone else. I don’t want to risk hurting others because I think they are talking about me or plotting to kill me. Because my reaction is always violence. Trust me I wish I was normal and could provide a life for my family. And I’m starting to feel the effects of my disorder pertaining to the turn out of my life. I sometimes wonder if I’m holding myself back from a better life by secluding myself.

Aa