jacktw1st

[jacktw1st]

yung tiga lucban

Nagkakilala kami sa Grindr. We traded pics one night, okay samin pareho, after a week we briefly met at a nearby mall.

Halos magkasingtangkad kami. Mestizo siya, fit, pogi. Yung mata niya laging mukang antok. Naramdaman kong baka reject lang din ako neto, siguradong madaming nakapila sakanya. Laking tuwa ko nung inimbita niya ko sa apartment niya.

Sa puntong yon, mabibilang pa sa mga daliri ko yung mga nakasama kong lalaki, kumbaga yung hormones ko naguumapaw pa. Fortunately for me, and I guess unfortunately for him, sakanya ko nabuhos lahat. Sa sobrang turned on ko nung una naming gabi, napagod siya at ako lang natapos. Okay lang sabi niya, sa susunod nalang daw siya.

Pagkatapos ng gabing yon, every week or two magmemessage siya sakin. Tatanungin niya ko kung free ako. Lamna yon. After work, rekta ko sakanya. Isang bus ang layo galing trabaho at rush hour pa, inaabot ako minsan ng isang oras. Pero alam ko kung anong nagaantay sakin pagbaba ko ng bus, and its worth braving EDSA in a crowded bus at 6PM.

Nung unang gabing dumayo ako sakanila’t nakita ko siyang nakasandong pambahay, pakiramdam ko niloloko ako ng mundo, this is too good to be true sabi ko sa sarili ko. Kulang nalang maglaway ako. Pero totoong tao to. Kaharap ko na siya, tinanguan ako, at sinundan ko papuntang apartment niya.

Tuwing paakyat kami sa unit niya lagi siyang nauuna sakin. We’d make small talk habang naglalakad sa hallway, the whole time di ko mapigilang pagmasdan katawan niya; yung likod niya, calves niya, yung leeg niyang gusto ko nang sunggaban. Nahubaran ko na siya sa isip ko. Iniisip ko na in a few moments, pagpasok namin ng unit niya, solo ko na to. Susuko niya katawan niya sakin willingly, alam kong gusto niya. Napapailing ako sa likod niya habang naglalakad, ang swerte ko.

Mga anim na buwan kaming ganun. Magmemessage siya, pupunta ko, at pagsasawaan namin isa’t-isa. Aside from questions about our sexual health, we didn’t bother asking anything else. Our short conversations were limited to how our day went but we knew enough about each other to still be responsible. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between us, and that was more than okay with me.

Hanggang sa naging komplikado na. Wala na kami sa kama niya. Kumakain na kami sa paborito naming resto. Naghahatiran na pauwi. Lumalalim na mga tanong. Imbis na bangod agad at bihis, hihiga muna siya sakin habang tumutugtog mga paborito naming kanta, yayakapin ko naman siyang mas mahigpit.

Di nagtagal napagtanto din naming di na tugma mga expectations namin sa isa’t-isa. Siya graduate na sa kalokohan, pero ako kakaenrol palang. Di na kami nagkasundo, nagkalituhan na, hanggang sa di na kami nagusap.

Mga limang buwan nadin siguro lumipas. Alam kong mas mabuti nang ganito. Pero sa mga gabing malamig ang panahon, sa mga gabing masarap may kayakap, iniisip ko padin siya at naalala ko mga ginawa namin. Ngayon di ko na mabilang sa daliri mga nakasama kong lalaki, pero siya parin binabalik-balikan ko. May mga gabing makakatulog lang ako kung magkukunwari akong magkatabi kami.

Kilala ko sarili ko, walang magandang mangyayari kung bumigay ako’t imessage siya. Kaya hanggang imahinasyon na lang muna. Hanggang kwento nalang. Hanggang sulat nalang. Hanggang dito nalang.

[jacktw1st]

another boring night sa pasig

I talked to a guy on grindr while I was at the airport last year. We traded pics, mutually agreed that we found each other attractive, and kept in touch the rest of the day.

He told me we could hang-out at his place sa las pinas, which I thought was way too far. I said malabo yun, but I told him we could meet up if we were ever in the same area. And on that same night, coincidentally, we were in the same area. He was with his friends and I was at the gym. So we decided we’d see each other once we we’re both free.

Now I don’t usually do meet-ups, because posers and catfishing exist. But this guy was super attractive sa pic, matangakad, lean at pogi. Para bang it didn’t compute why he would be into me, so I was hesitant to meet him. But then I thought I could just leave if he was a poser, and if he was real, he seemed to be really interested so why not, fuck it.

I told him where I was, which was where I’d usually hang-out after a workout. I also made sure to tell him that I wouldn’t be able to hang for long since I have work the next day, this was to insinuate that we won’t be hooking up tonight — because I got the feeling he’d ask to go to his place again once we met. Minutes later he tells me he’s parked, he describes his car and tells me I could get in if I wanted to, he was actually very polite.

Being the paranoid guy that I was, I asked him to drive by where I was instead, with his windows rolled down just to make sure he wasn’t a poser. He does what I asked and I immediately saw that he wasn’t a poser.

We see each other through the rolled down window and we nod, he again tells me to get in. My neurotic self thought that there could be guys in the back seat waiting to drug me once I close that car door, so I politely declined. This guy is too attractive baka modus to is what I was thinking. I really wasn’t looking to hook-up that night anyway.

So I said if he wanted to talk in private we could talk sa sasakyang dala ko, which I thought was safer. He parked his car a few slots away from me. As he was walking I got to have a better look at him and my inferiority complex kicked in, I felt he was way out of my league.

He gets in and we start talking. We make small talk, I ask about his job he asks about mine. Then he eventually tells me we could still drop by his place. I could leave the car there and we’d drive to las pinas in his car. I could spend the night daw at his place and he’d drive me back home in the morning. Which now, at 5 am and in day 3635 of quarantine, sounds so fucking good. Fucking and cuddling with this hot guy til dawn? Sign me d fucc up.

But the thing was las pinas was too far, and I don’t think I’ve ever been there myself. And since I felt that he was way out of my league, I couldn’t escape the thought that he might just be bait and a whole crew he’s in connivance with was waiting to harvest my organs once I got in his car.

So I declined, again. I told him hahanapin ako samin and I have to go to work the next day, and las pinas is just way too far (which was all true.) Once he understood that I wasn’t gonna budge, and that car fun wasn’t an option (because we’d easily get caught) we knew it was time to go home. I apologized for having him go thru all that trouble for nothing, which he said was totally fine. We exchanged numbers and he went back to his car.

As I was driving off I see him still in his car, parked. He’s probably still on grindr, I thought. I knew he’d easily find someone else to take home, because he’s an objectively attractive guy and there are also a lot of equally attractive horny guys in the area. This made me feel less guilty.

So there I was again, alone, feeling hollow as I drove home, thinking what the fuck just happened. Sayang. But the thing is, I don’t regret not going, cause I know my worries were valid. He could’ve easily been bait; it might’ve been to good to be true.

But what’s keeping me up right now is the thought that I might’ve missed out on a good lay, that he may have been genuinely interested. Again, di ako nagsisisi. But I guess this is quarantine life, we contemplate the what ifs. All I can do is look back on these nights and think about the good things that could’ve happened had I gone with him to las pinas. The things we could’ve done. The things I would’ve done to him. God.

[jacktw1st]

an uneventful night sa pasig

Dun sana ko sa lagi kong pinupuntahan na massage place, di sensual yung pero sobrang relaxing. Para bang kabisado na ni kuya katawan ko, alam niya yung mga parteng dapat hagurin. Sobrang relaxing.

Pero ang una kong balak ay magfahrenheit. Kaso napagtanto kong wala kong gana makipagpatintero sa mga kapwa kong hayok, at wala ding safe na paradahan don from what I’ve read, kaya naisip kong pumunta nalang sa spa na medyo matunog sa tweeter (lagi daw may es). Nung gabing yun, I was tired and horny. If I was just tired i’d have gone to my go-to massage place. But no, I was tired AND horny.

Di ko naman ugaling pumayag sa mga es, nung mga panahong yon nanaig ang pagiging praktikal ko sa ganung bagay, pero yung ambiance lang sa mga sketchy na spa na ganito is enough to turn me on. Yung neon signage, dim lights, poorly construced interior, cheap paint job. I know its weird but it has its appeal. Sa mga gabing gusto kong umalis at iwanan muna yung pang araw-araw na buhay ko, pipiliin kong pumunta sa ganitong lugar. Maybe this is the equivalent of clubbing or barhopping to horny, closeted introverts. Again, not the healthiest thing for me.

I got to the place, availed the signature massage and was immediately sent to the footwashing area. Lumabas yung masahista sa quarters nila at pogi siya. Di siya buff, pero alam mong nagbubuhat. May tattoo, tas sakto lang height. Lilingonin ko siya kung madaanan ko siya sa labas, ganung itsura. Pogi.

Nung hinuhugasan niya paa ko naramdaman ko agad na magaan ang kamay niya. Before going to the spa I already prepared myelf for the worst, na walang kwenta yung masahe, es lang habol at di talaga marunong. The last time I went to a different branch of the same spa, I was assigned a therapist who only had 2 months of experience (he told me this.) So my expectations for this second visit was looow.

Pasok na ko sa cubicle. Naghubad ako, iniwan ko underwear ko. Pumasok siya at sinimulan na.

Malinis masahe niya. May pagkasensual lang kasi naglilinger yung mga daliri niya sa katawan mo after every stroke. Tas may mga posisyon na sensual talaga, yung habang hinahagod niya likod mo yung motion parang dinodoggy ka niya. Tas ididikit niya rin thighs niya sayo. Di ko hinahawakan pinapabayaan ko lang siya gawin gusto niya. Maya-maya sabi niya tanggalin nalang underwear ko para di malagyan ng oil. Oo naman ako. Hinila niya naman at tinabi. Tas tuloy.

Ganun yung routine. Halong clean at sensual. Nung humarap na ko at nag inner thigh massage, dun lang ako tinablan. He knew what he was doing. Nakita niya nasasarapan ako kaya bumulong na — at napakamahal. Sabi ko pang tip lang meron ako hoping he’d say yes. Syempre negatib kay sir kaya di na siya namilit, tinapos parin ngmaayos ang masahe.

Nung bumulong siya mas malaya na kong pagmasdan siya habang minamasahe ako. nakatingin siya sayo minsan habang minamasahe ka, alam niyang pogi siya eh, kaya kung marupok ka makukuha ka niya sa tingin.

At one point gusto ko lang siya titigan habang minamasahe ako. Pero nung natapos na, i felt a bit hollow. Iba yung feeling pag gusto nila gawin yun sayo imbis na gusto lang nila kumita — para bang nakikita ko yung struggle nila sa trabaho nila, na kung papiliin di nila tatahakin ganung trabaho. It wasn’t the sexiest thing to think about. Althoygh may pagka-sensual yung mga ginagawa niya, ramdam kong masyadong mechanical. I could see through the routine. Nag-tip naman ako bago umalis.

Apparently I wasn’t horny enough that night because on my next visit I caved, but this was with a different guy, and it definitely wasn’t my proudest moment.

[jacktw1st]

Madalas pagtapos magcb o kung ano man, kakain ako o kaya tatambay sa kung saan pwede

and I’d stare into space, and mull over the last few hours. Magrereflect ako sa mga ginawa ko.

After my last visit sa cb, I had a 2 am dinner sa jollibee. i see my fellow millennials, groups of them, all dressed-up looking ready to party. Then I realized they probably were partying — or were sobering up, there were lots of bars nearby.

Then I looked at what I was wearing; I was in my gym clothes with a jacket and a cap. I wondered if  looked like a guy who just had sex with two strangers in a bathhouse. I wonder if they’d find that weird. I thought, should I also be partying instead of sneaking out to have sex with strangers? Then I thought, Isn’t it almost the same thing minus the drinks and the dancing?

As much as I wanted to rationalize my erratic sexual encounters, I knew i needed to give myself a break. It’s become all I’d look forward to, which isn’t the healthiest thing for me. I decided to limit my visits. since december of last year, I haven’t gone back. And thanks to this pandemic, I won’t be back for a long while. But panigurado, oras na sabihin nilang safe nang magpunta, i’ll be there. Til then though, I’ll have to settle with sharing these experiences on the internet, and hopefully this doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass. Hopefully.

[jacktw1st]

happe new year

Huli kong balik sa CB end of december pa of last year. Sa mga panahong yon, naging bisyo ko nang magpalipas ng gabi sakanila; para ko nang bahay to sa pasay.

Walang trabaho non, nasa bahay lang ako. I wasn’t looking for someone to hook-up with, pero sobrang appealing sakin nung thought na nandun ako, na pwede lang ako magmasid. There was also no work the day after, so I figured madami tao, which is both a good and a bad thing. Its good because madami ako makikitang tao, its bad because marami din makakakita sakin. The last thing I need is to be outed in the worst possibly way.  Pero bilang ako si ako, tumuloy ako. Pagkatapos ko mag-gym, dumiretso ako sakanila.

Alam kong masyado nang madalas pagbisita ko dun dahil nakikilala na ko ng guard. Nung palakad palang ako papasok, nakangiti na si manong. Biniro ako na pamasko daw niya lol sabi ko nalang sige mamaya. Pagpasok ko sa gate, tangina may pila. Mga apat na tao lang, pero yun na yun longest na pila na naexperience ko. Weekdays ako madalas dun, kaya wala usually diretso na ko sa reception. Nanibago ako, umupo ako sa bench nila, tingin lang ako sa phone.

Umusad yung pila, usog kami sa upuan. Paglingon ko sa likod ko, may mga limang taong bagong pila; may lean na moreno, matangkad tas semikal, pogi mukang mixed breed, napagmasdan kong maayos kasi nakita ko na siya sa labas palang. Napansin ko din may hapon na cute. Dami tao, mabenta nga talaga sila ngayon. 

Nagkatinginan din kami ng kaharap ko sa pila.  Kilala ko pala, nakilala ko siya dun, nagroom na kami. Pogi parin, maputi din, average height, papasang artista. Nagtanguan lang kami tas balik sa pagaantay. Minutes later nauna na siya, at ako na sumunod. Locker lang kinuha ko. Nagbayad na ko, sinurrender ID, at pumasok.

Pumunta kong locker, naghubad, nagtapis at dumiretso sa shower. Pagkashower at tookbrash, umakyat na ko sa maze.

Tumitingin-tingin lang ako sa mga taong nandun, uupo sa marami nilang upuan, lalakad-lakad, iikot, makikiyosi sa yosi area, titingin ng magazine sa reading nook nila -- this is what I’d do for hours on the nights I don’t find someone to hook-up with. Dito, malaya akong magcheck-out ng mga tao, a thing I can’t do anywhere else. There’s been nights where I’d stay near closing time kahit wala naman ganap, masid lang. Which, admittedly, isn’t the best use of my time.

Nagkakasalubong kami nung kakilala ko, nagkumustahan kami. Wala daw siya nakuhang room kasi punuan, sabi ko sayang. We talk some more and eventually go our seperate ways. Ikot ulit ako. Nakakasalubong ko din yung moreno, may nahanap na siyang kasama. Naghahanap ata ng pangatlo. 

May iba din akong nakakausap sa hall, the usual opening line is Nakailan ka na? which isn’t something you’d ask to someone you just met. But we’re in a bathhouse, some social norms dont apply here. If its someone I’m into I definitely try to be polite. but for the more casual conversations, I’d also ask kung nakailan na sila, or i’d ask kung sino type nila? Tas papaturo ko kung sino. Tanong ko din kung matagal na sila dito. Paminsan minsan makakasagap ako ng chismis, colboy daw yon, mahilig daw sa oldies yon, kakilala ata ng owner yon. Iba-iba.

Ang napagtanto ko din, the conversations I have there usually revolve around sex, which isn’t surprising. But I’ve realized that this is one of the reasons I keep coming back; I don’t get to have these conversations outside CB. I have friends who know I fool around, but I don’t think they’d find the details interesting. My libido is probably at its peak right now, and being able to talk about it without the fear of being judged is almost therapeutic. Its also validating to hear similar stories. And, on a shallow level, being able to freely check-out half-naked guys is fucking great. 

Habang nakatambay sa hall, nakita ko yung hapon. Nabuhayan yung japanese pron fantasies ko. Unfortunately, di niya ko type. I didn’t bother to approach him dahil di naman ako nililingon. Pero sayang, I should’ve tried. I moved on, at may nakausap ulit ako sa hallway. Sabi ng kausap ko nakaroom niya daw yung hapon, para daw talagang japanese porn yung reaction. Lol. That could’ve been me. Sayang talaga. But again, I moved on and went around the halls. 

Medyo nagulot ako nung nakita kong may umiikot na chinese na walang twalya, as in with their dicks out.

I tell this random guy sa tabi ko pwede pala yon? Kasi di talaga sigurado kung pwede. He laughs and shrugs. We start talking, from the usual Nakailan ka na to his life and gay bars. That was until lumapit yung kakilala ko, kinalabit ako, and parang nag gesture na excuse me sa kausap ko, which I thought was cute. He tells me nakakuha na siya ng room, tara daw. I tell him sige sunod ako, and he tells his room number and leaves. The guy I was talking to probably heard, so I laughed and said sige alis lang ako. Natawa din siya, and said sige. And so I left, looked for my friend’s room and knocked.

Binuksan niya pinto, he says sorry dahil daw nainterrupt kami ng kausap ko, sabi ko okay lang. Then we had sex. It was good. The first time we did it, abt a month before, he let me finish twice. He’s good at what he does, makikita mo na he enjoys it, which I find really hot. This time though, I only came once. Sabi niya pa, nauna ka na sa putukan ah, and greeted me a happy new year. Tawa kami. He then finishes, and we cuddle for a while.

I remember him asking me if I wear deo. I tell him no, not here. Tas tinanong ko, bakit, mabaho ba? Tas inamoy ko sarili ko -- wala naman amoy. He tells me hindi naman daw, amoy lalaki lang. Yung iba daw kasi amoy deo o bodyspray. I lay there in silence thinking if that’s a good thing, he reassures me and says he thinks its hot. Ako naman iniisip ko, is he just being nice or do I stink.

We got up after a while, I got the feeling that he still wanted to look around. I was tempted to just lay there and nap while he goes around lurking cause I was getting sleepy, but i thought better of it. I kissed him again, greeted him a happy new year, left and showered.

It was about 2 hours before closing time, and I didn’t want to go home yet. 

I see this tall guy na mestiso, baby face, cute. Hindi ako nililingon, so again, I didn’t bother. But then i figured this could be my last lay of the year, and I also made an agreement with myself to limit my visits for the following year, so I might as well try. So I just stood there, looking at him, checking if he’d check me out too. It was dark so I couldn’t really see if he was. Eventually though I caved and mustered up enough courage to talk to him. Nakalocker lang din siya, so after talking for a while, we ended up using the free rooms, and I let him finish. 

We then go down to shower. We exchange numbers and say bye. It was another fun night sa bahay sa pasay and it was time to go home. Nagbihis na ko, I get my stuff tas nagbayad na kay manong guard with tip, pamasko niya nga naman.

[jacktw1st]

More Context

I have several reasons for making this account. 

The first and main reason is because I don’t want to forget. Maybe it’s because my hormones are at its peak and recounting these stories turn me on -- which is very accurate. But I’ve realized that the stories I’m about to tell have been the most thrilling parts of my gay adult life. Granted, i’m only in my early 20s and know there’s a lot more to come. But also for that same reason, I got to experience those nights with a sense of wonder. as a socially anxious introverted closet case, I never thought I’d be having a threesome with two hot strangers in a bathhouse. these are things i dont want to forget.

I guess this is for future me, too. maybe I’d want to look back and read about these wild nights. Or it’s also possible that I get to a point where I’d want bury these memories in shame and forget these all happened. We have no way of knowing at the moment, but since I have a lot of free time, and for other reasons which I’ll list down below, I’ll keep these stories here.

Reason number 2 is the random readers. I’m choosing to make this thing public (for now) because I know there are guys out there who’re into these kinds of stories. I remember the thrill if I felt when I found out these places exist, and how I read through endless tweets from random twitter accounts recounting their spa and bath house experiences; as if i was living out their experiences vicariously through their tweets.

I remember wanting more details from their stories, too; I wanted to know how these places looked, how it felt coming in, what the staff were like, what the facilities were like. I wanted to know the details; I figured i’d never be able to visit these places myself, so these tweets, I thought, were the only way I’d experience going to a spa a bathhouse. But now that I’ve been there, I can now fill-in those details for other readers.

There’s also this blog I came across while looking for spa reviews, it had entries about the guys he’s been with. He doesn’t name them, he calls them #20, or however many guys he’s been with, and writes about them. I can’t remember the details, but it wasn’t raunchy. It was a pleasant read. I’m sure its still on the internet somewhere. but my point is, I’m probably gonna write about my musings here, too.  I personally enjoy reading other peoples’ journals, especially one’s I feel I can relate to, so why not. 

A disclaimer: I will write in English and Filipino. I’m not great at either so I might use both in one entry. And my grammar and vocabulary in both languages isn’t great, too. This is also another reason why I’m doing this, it will hopefully improve my writing and my 2 min attention span. 

[jacktw1st]

Context

It was in mid 2019 when I had my first sensual massage.

It really wasn’t supposed to be sensual, it was a regular massage from a well-known massage place. But towards the end of the session, my guy starts stroking my inner thigh, which was part of the routine, apparently; and it made me shudder. It was the kind of shudder you get during an orgasm, and it was the first time I had that reaction, so I immediately got hard. With only my underwear on, and a towel on top of me, my hard-on was in clear view. The massage was already good before he went in on my thighs but now I was in heaven. I was fully expecting (and hoping) he’d start jacking me off... but that was it. He went on  to my other leg, following the same routine and then ended the session with a head massage. That was it. I tipped him and left, a bit frustrated.

When I got home that night, I immediately started searching online for gay spas near me. A lot of results popped up to my surprise — I didn’t know these places exist. And as the paranoid closeted gay guy that I am I had to read the reviews. I scanned forums (also surprised these exist) and read countless tweets and it had my mind racing. I couldn’t sleep for days. i was horny but mostly intrigued. It was like an itch that wouldnt go away; I knew i’d have to go. And so I did. That night marked the start of a series of reckless, late night escapades.