iykyk-iykwim

[iykyk-iykwim]

i got a jumbo pack of tests and have taken a few. also i checked and my IUD is fine. all good. allowing the paranoia to settle by having an immediate way to check for pregnancy is helpful

i asked him why he likes gaping/fisting/cumplay and he mentioned something along the lines of liking to see how deep he got and that if he could do it without hurting me he’d want to come all the way inside (hello, cervix penetration, fancy meeting you here)

he did actually end up fisting me the night i got super high

and then Friday he mentioned MAYBE wanting kids someday

and my period is a few days late

so now i'm irrationally paranoid that he took out my iud while he was fisting me and is trying to get me pregnant

which. i recognize is ridiculous. but still. i AM going to go see if i can feel the stupid strings. and maybe get a pregnancy test.

[iykyk-iykwim]

something diabolical about sex that’s so good you know you would make bad choices to keep having it

[iykyk-iykwim]

i asked him why he likes gaping/fisting/cumplay and he mentioned something along the lines of liking to see how deep he got and that if he could do it without hurting me he’d want to come all the way inside (hello, cervix penetration, fancy meeting you here)

he did actually end up fisting me the night i got super high

and then Friday he mentioned MAYBE wanting kids someday

and my period is a few days late

so now i'm irrationally paranoid that he took out my iud while he was fisting me and is trying to get me pregnant

which. i recognize is ridiculous. but still. i AM going to go see if i can feel the stupid strings. and maybe get a pregnancy test.

[iykyk-iykwim]

relatedly, him saying “i’m trying not to let this go to my head since you might just be really sensitive”

but seriously he stuck his dick in me and i immediately started coming and i did not stop until he did

welp

took a single shotgun hit and got so high i genuinely thought he was god

jesus christ i have never come that hard

[iykyk-iykwim]

welp

took a single shotgun hit and got so high i genuinely thought he was god

jesus christ i have never come that hard

[iykyk-iykwim]

like i’m currently waxing my butthole and fasting so we can get crazy, the least you can do is text back promptly

[iykyk-iykwim]

also. also. fucking me from behind with one hand over my mouth and the other wrapped around my throat to make sure i don’t make a sound 😫 jesus i hope he gets his life together tbh

anyway was fucking hot chris last night and he’s uhh. he’s quite good in bed. and now i know that i can come just from taking it in the pussy if it’s missionary with his full weight on me. which is great to know.

can’t tell if he’s like. having a crisis, deciding he’s interested, or what, but he asked for girlfriend type favors and then asked me over to just hang out. granted we ended up fucking (and wow, missionary in the pitch dark while not making any noise has no right to be that good) but the fucking wasn’t his motivation.

anyway, hope he doesn’t actually try to date bc while the sex is fantastic this is a man who is going nowhere fast. drinking too much, ego issues, burned bridges in his field. i would maaaybe give it a shot if he suddenly got his life together but for fucking sure not now.

[iykyk-iykwim]

yeah i fully think i magic pussied him. for reference, he came over sort of depressed on Wednesday night and i tried to be encouraging and talk up his efforts to get his life together.

and i thought last wednesday was going to be our last hookup so i figured it was worth asking if i could call him daddy. we talked about it and i was like “well it’s because you take such good care of me in bed, not the little girl shit” and he was interested-ish, though he clearly kept thinking on the sugar daddy side of things and the financial caretaking aspects and i think feeling a liiiittle inadequate while still clearly wanting to be Daddy

that and a fun moment where he joked about not wanting to take advantage of me and i said i liked it when he did and it’s not taking advantage if he has blanket permission

so anyway we ended up having absolutely wild sex for most of the night, i called him daddy while he was fucking me, and at one point he decided he wanted to try fisting me and i just sort of splayed out helplessly making the dumbest noises while this big big guy stared at me slackjawed and tried to work as much of his hand into me as he could

in the morning i woke him up by blowing him and riding him before he flipped us over and fucked me into the mattress until he came, and he gave me an absentminded little forehead kiss before he rolled off of me

then he invited up to see the renovation work he did at his mom’s, expecting no sex and no sleepover. but i think he wasn’t expecting how good being validated for his work would feel, and i was getting off on my little mindgames the whole time making sure he felt *perfect* emotionally

and i asked if he wanted me to leave or stay, and he said something like “i gotta admit, it would be nice to cuddle with someone in that bed”

so i stayed. and we cuddled, then fucked as quietly as possible. and he hadn’t come yet and was asking me something about waking me up with sex but I didn’t quite get it other than that he hadn’t come yet, so i said “you take such good care of me all the time; i just want you to feel good.” and blew him. and then he fucked me so good i’m honestly unsure how many times i came

but i fully think the “daddy takes care of me” “i let daddy do anything he wants and i like it” and his virginity kink about being the only dick i’ve taken, COMBINED with the general validation of his competence (including, i think, the very primal satisfaction of having built shelter and then getting to fuck a woman there, covering her with your roof and body both) have magic pussied this man. he is thinking with his dick but his dick is leading him towards gainful employment so really he can’t complain.

anyway was fucking hot chris last night and he’s uhh. he’s quite good in bed. and now i know that i can come just from taking it in the pussy if it’s missionary with his full weight on me. which is great to know.

can’t tell if he’s like. having a crisis, deciding he’s interested, or what, but he asked for girlfriend type favors and then asked me over to just hang out. granted we ended up fucking (and wow, missionary in the pitch dark while not making any noise has no right to be that good) but the fucking wasn’t his motivation.

anyway, hope he doesn’t actually try to date bc while the sex is fantastic this is a man who is going nowhere fast. drinking too much, ego issues, burned bridges in his field. i would maaaybe give it a shot if he suddenly got his life together but for fucking sure not now.

[iykyk-iykwim]

oh this man has me reading his cover letter for a local job 🥴

anyway was fucking hot chris last night and he’s uhh. he’s quite good in bed. and now i know that i can come just from taking it in the pussy if it’s missionary with his full weight on me. which is great to know.

can’t tell if he’s like. having a crisis, deciding he’s interested, or what, but he asked for girlfriend type favors and then asked me over to just hang out. granted we ended up fucking (and wow, missionary in the pitch dark while not making any noise has no right to be that good) but the fucking wasn’t his motivation.

anyway, hope he doesn’t actually try to date bc while the sex is fantastic this is a man who is going nowhere fast. drinking too much, ego issues, burned bridges in his field. i would maaaybe give it a shot if he suddenly got his life together but for fucking sure not now.

[iykyk-iykwim]

anyway was fucking hot chris last night and he’s uhh. he’s quite good in bed. and now i know that i can come just from taking it in the pussy if it’s missionary with his full weight on me. which is great to know.

can’t tell if he’s like. having a crisis, deciding he’s interested, or what, but he asked for girlfriend type favors and then asked me over to just hang out. granted we ended up fucking (and wow, missionary in the pitch dark while not making any noise has no right to be that good) but the fucking wasn’t his motivation.

anyway, hope he doesn’t actually try to date bc while the sex is fantastic this is a man who is going nowhere fast. drinking too much, ego issues, burned bridges in his field. i would maaaybe give it a shot if he suddenly got his life together but for fucking sure not now.

[iykyk-iykwim]

my uterus wants me dead. out here desperate for this fifty-seven year old man to nut in me. listen i am not proud of the things i begged for but jesus christ my fallopian tubes have me in a chokehold

[iykyk-iykwim]

if i mention where and when i’m going to be practicing our shared hobby and you show up and do it with me for a while i 0% believe you when you say you didn’t mean to run into me

rest assured that i gave that information so you could accidentally-on-purpose join me so it’s not even remotely creepy but fhhfheej pretending it’s a coincidence is so funny

am i smug? abso-fuckin-lutely

[iykyk-iykwim]

and i do understand that i’m fixating on him so much because things at work are unstable right now, and my instinct in times of uncertainty is always to make sure i’m indispensable to whoever’s in charge. and most people have that instinct but it’s extreme for me. it’s born out of not having my basic needs met unless i was perfect. it’s growing up under an authoritarian regime with shifting and unspoken rules and senseless cruel punishments. it comes from having to perfectly understand, predict, and manage my mother’s emotions in order to stay alive. it’s being told that anyone who harms me is doing so because i deserve it, because i am evil and bad and a failure. it’s from learning way too young that a surefire way to get a male authority figure to care for you is to be fuckable.

and admittedly it’s my old boss leaving unexpectedly. for whatever reason it felt like being abandoned; it felt like when my oldest sister left home. suddenly i felt like i was 10, 11, 12 again with no one to take care of or notice me except a man in authority with ulterior motives.

in my hindbrain, i can’t fully separate the fact that someone being in authority does not automatically mean both that they desire to do me grievous harm and have the power to do so on a whim.

here is someone in authority. here is my brain demanding we be perfectly attuned to his moods, needs, and whims.

here is someone who evaluates my performance. here is my perfectionism driven by raw animal fear.

here is my ambition and independence. behind it is my fear of starvation and powerlessness. here is my lesson that men will make sure you have food and clothes and educational opportunities as long as you let them touch you.

here is the fact that i am attracted to him. here is the teaching that my sexual desire makes me evil and bad and makes it okay if someone wants to hurt me. here is my uneasy instinct that my sexual attraction means that he can hurt me without consequence. here is how that swells my perception of his authority over me. here is how this means i must pay even closer attention and be even beyond perfect.

it’s fucked but it’s good to think through and try to untangle it.

my boss is only in charge of me at work.

making one mistake rarely means losing your job.

many people compliment my work and i could find a new job if needed.

i have emergency savings and will not starve if i’m unemployed for a while.

crushes can be harmless. sexual desire does not make me evil.

i am an adult and have the power to leave unsafe situations. other adults are my peers and cannot hurt me with impunity.

[iykyk-iykwim]

side note: like i DO understand that sexual favors are not how you work out conflict but also i think they’re a reasonable celebration post-resolution and him getting on the call would mean i was forgiven and we were good, ergo, post-conflict and here’s a little present to celebrate with. also a present for me because i like when he looks.

also i have some wires crossed and the thought of him getting rough when i get out of line to make sure i know who’s in charge is very good. take it out on me and let me fix it, then afterwards praise me for being a good girl who likes it like that.

also i fucked up in a disrespectful way in front of someone else and pissed him off a little, he called me on it, i apologized, he cancelled our standing to work it out biking hard (and god is it hot that that’s how he handled it), then he saw that i asked to apologize face to face so he hopped into the call (that i started and left open despite him declining because i knew he wanted to prove to himself that i would wait on him/respected him enough to need his approval), we talked and all is fine.

did i put on a little makeup and make sure he could see my tits because i know he likes them? yes! he deserved a little present. do i wish i could have blown him or invited him to get a little rough (all that biking got your endorphins up, let’s work it out) instead? absolutely.

are we good now? yes. i’m elated.

[iykyk-iykwim]

also i fucked up in a disrespectful way in front of someone else and pissed him off a little, he called me on it, i apologized, he cancelled our standing to work it out biking hard (and god is it hot that that’s how he handled it), then he saw that i asked to apologize face to face so he hopped into the call (that i started and left open despite him declining because i knew he wanted to prove to himself that i would wait on him/respected him enough to need his approval), we talked and all is fine.

did i put on a little makeup and make sure he could see my tits because i know he likes them? yes! he deserved a little present. do i wish i could have blown him or invited him to get a little rough (all that biking got your endorphins up, let’s work it out) instead? absolutely.

are we good now? yes. i’m elated.

[iykyk-iykwim]

oh we WELL understand each other and that we’re flirting at this point. yesterday was one of the most flirtatious and sexually charged but technically innocuous conversations i’ve had in my LIFE. like i left the office ten minutes after him and then walked 15 minutes home the wettest i have been in a WHILE

immediately jacked off in my work clothes imagining him running his hand up my thigh and slipping my panties to the side to feel how how wet and hot he made me. thinking about him playing with my pussy, idly stroking just to tease and watch my reaction. thinking about him giving me that playful smile while i try to keep talking. thinking about him pushing me over the desk and palming and gripping my ass while he gets his cock out. thinking about not being able to fuck in the office but giving in to putting our hands on each other. thinking about playful indulgence with a hint of desperation

anyway when i said interacting with him in person even just once a week has changed my cycle i fucking meant it, because i always ovulate on a thursday now. i never have my period on a thursday. my cycle is quicker at exactly 28 days. i’m zero percent interested in getting pregnant but i’m so ludicrously attracted to him that it impacted me outside of my conscious control.

my body fully saw this man and went “him. now. get his hands on us and his cock in us right the fuck now.”

that being said, i believe we’ve both firmly landed in not actually doing anything undeniable. possession but not possession with intent. lesser crime and really just having fun. but god i don’t think i’d ever turn him down if he changed his mind.

[iykyk-iykwim]

also:

“you just like teasing me”

“yes, as long as i’m not going to wind up in HR”

“no, i enjoy it far too thoroughly for that”