itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

I’m The Problem It’s Me

This new chapter of my life is called ME. I will be strictly focusing on myself. I am learning that I can no longer rely on others for my own happiness for when you do that it is only a temporary happiness you get. You do not get to be fully happy that way and that is because you have to be able to make yourself happy. If you cannot make yourself happy you will never be fully happy in any relationship you ever have. I want to love myself. I never have done that before. I think my biggest problem is I am scared to be alone. I think being alone would be beneficial for myself though. Learn some mental independence that I very much need. I have major mental health issues. From depression, anxiety, over thinking and being a bit clingy and controlling. I have a lot I want to work on for not just myself but for my child also. He deserves to have a mother who can be happy and healthy and to see that it is possible to be that for yourself.  It doesn’t make you selfish to put yourself first sometimes. I really want to better myself on my self control and the way I handle things. I stress way to easily and usually its due to others rather then due to myself. But at the same time that is my fault because I am always putting others before myself. I have a problem with putting myself last. I go go go for others until I am to tired to go for myself. I have always been this way. I stay in my head a lot. I wonder if the things I do even matter. I wonder if they even help or if what I do for others is in anyway beneficial for them. I never want to see the people I love and or care about fail or struggle, but I need to remember that the struggle is what has made me this far. I never really been handed things in life. I guess maybe that’s why I hand things to people even when I don’t really have much to hand out. I come from a long line of people in my family who struggle with depression and anxiety. I try to over come it. Meds seem to work some, but sometimes I still feel the struggle to make myself get out of bed, to make myself shower and look like a normal human. I sometimes let the house get trashed and laundry pile up. Then finally I hate looking at it because I NEVER want to live in a nasty house and I rush to clean everything and then I am exhausted all over again. I need to get myself into a routine. So maybe it would help me not feel so overwhelmed all the time. I hate the feeling that I am always failing. My biggest fear is failing my son. I want to be the mother he can look back on when he’s 40 and say “my mom did everything she could for me and was always there when I needed her”. I want to be a mother he can be proud of. Some days I just feel like I got so much on my plate that I can not afford to do anything for myself and I honestly don’t really do anything for myself. I sleep. If I can get good sleep in I tell myself I will be fine. I find myself not really eating much now a days either. I just don’t ever feel really hungry. I graze eat because I know if I don’t eat it will make me sick. I also hate my body. I hate the way I look anymore. I want to lose weight. I feel overweight and I hate it. My boobs are saggy and I use to have the best looking tits. My teeth break due to the meds I take for my RA. Yeah that’s another thing, I hate having RA. I am 26 and somedays can barley walk because of it and feel like I am a 75 year old lady. That sucks so bad because I just can only imagine how its going to be when I am old. I have bad dreams lately. Dreams of me dying or going to die. I don’t understand that. I just really really need to focus on me. I want to love me I want to work on me. I hate the person I am and I need to be better and I know I can be better. I can do it.... I just hope I can accomplish everything I want too. I need to set goals. I need to push myself and step out of my comfort zone. Being alone is out of that zone but I am going to do it. I can’t keep giving everyone my everything and then nothing being left for me. This is going to be my new start. 

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Wishful Lover

This post is dedicated to the lover that was amazing and loved me unconditionally. The one who looked over my toxic behavior and instead try to love me threw it. I look at you and I see the potential you have to be a great husband and a amazing father. I can honestly see the genuine love you have for me in your eyes. I can feel the tenderness you have for me when you touch me. When we have sex it feels like I am on cloud nine and do not want to come down from it. I could see a future with you. What stops me is the fact you have all these amazing qualities but yet for some reason it is not enough. I still have a void in my life. I have a lot to work on within myself and I don't think that is something you completely understand. You see I have learned toxic traits from my past relationship and I have so much trauma... I have not actually been by myself to handle it. I have only just pushed it as far back in my head as I possibly could and let it sit there until it has burnt a hole. I have a lot of unresolved issues and trauma that I need to work on for myself before I could ever have a successful relationship. This is something I wish I would have realized so much sooner. I did not want to drag things out for over a year just to hurt you and watch you turn into a broken man. You said that everything I said to you was a lie. I did not wish to lie to you. And at the time I believed everything I ever said to you. I wanted it all to be true. For awhile you made me feel like I was not broken, but as time went by I realized that I very much am. I am broken and torn. I cannot live a happy life until I sort my shit out. I hate myself for what I have done to you. I hate looking in the mirror knowing that I could have had something amazing with you but instead of just waiting and sorting myself out I jumped in head first and now in a position to where I have to leave you in order to get my shit together. I hurt you. I see it in your eyes every time I look at you now. I feel it in the vibes you give off. I enter a room and I can just feel the longing of you wanting me to submit and just let you stay. I wish I could do that. That would not be fair to either of us though. I would not be able to fully be happy with my life if I did that. I need to travel the journey to heal and mend the brokenness inside of me that unfortunately is still lingering. I do not wish to be this way. You told me that you did not understand how I can claim to love you so much but be the one that hurts you the most. I wish I understood it. I really do. I wish I could just make it make sense. But it does not. I just know I wish you the very very best in life. I truly believe if anyone deserves it, it is you. You have the most courageous heart. You never wanted to fall back into something with me again and you took that chance and I failed you. I failed you and I am so sorry and I will never be able to make that up to you nor will I be able to forgive myself for it. I just have to do what I need to do in order to live a full life. If not for me then for my son. I wish I could take it back. Take back the night I reached out to you to have drinks as friends. I did not know it would lead to more. I really did just want to be friends but that's not what happened.... I am sorry for that. I hope one day you forgive me, and then and only then will I maybe be able to forgive myself.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Not Your Fairytale

This is probably going to be one of the hardest post. I do not know really where to start here. I have such a toxic past with you. There is SO much history. We had such great times in the past but the bad out weighed the good. But the seasons changed. Its been a year, four months, a week and three days since I left  you. Yes I keep up with that. Is that not pitiful? I don't know why I keep up with it as if it is a fabulous time in my life or something. I try to not hold any grudges against you. I try to tell myself I am over you. I feel like I am lying to myself. I keep finding myself thinking about you in almost every song I listen too. Almost every situation I am in. I thought I wanted to get married and have babies with someone else and all I could think about is how devastated I would be if you did that. I think about how I might feel if you found someone you could live forever with and it does not seem fair. I think about how I have waited for 8 years for you to be the man I have always needed you to be and knew you could be and thinking someone else would get that version of you because I walked away does not seem fair. You have came so far since we split. You have came to terms that you was the downfall in our relationship. You have admitted your faults. You have a job now you can turn into a career and that is your plan. You do everything you can and put our son first. Its bitter sweet to see how leaving you pushed you into being the person you should be. I am still concerned about you though. It seems that you still drink and get in your feelings about our past. Your mother is the one that told me on your weeks without our kid you drink and do that. I guess you do not get violent anymore but your still using alcohol as a coping mechanism. That is not healthy. That scares me. It scares me when you drink at all anyways. I cant be around you when you drink. It makes my anxiety sky high. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all over again never knowing if your going to blow up or not and I will be damned if I become your mental punching bag again. You kissed me... When you kissed me I expected "sparks" to fly. They did not. Instead it left me lost and confused and with a emptiness. It made me scared and worried. I wanted to run.. fast and far. But my legs would not go. My mind wants to get as far away from you as possible but my heart wont let me. I cannot open up to you. I am terrified of you. I do not want to venture back down a path with you where I destroy and lose myself again. I hated the person I became when I was with you. I have so much trauma and so much bad toxic habits I have learned being with you. Most of them was defensive mechanisms but still toxic is toxic. I wanna blame you. I wanna blame you for me not being able to be in a healthy relationship. I wanna blame you for how broken and torn I am. I would've done any and everything for you and you beat me down and made me a shrivel of the person I once was. My fire burnt out. My glow was no longer there. My happiness was nonexistent unless I looked into the eyes of our beautiful boy. Why am I damned to you? No matter what you have done to me, no matter how poorly you have done me and made me feel I still have to know your okay. I still have to talk to you. I still need to see you and make sure you still look at me in the way you did back in 2013. I think I like the fact you are chasing me. I think its because for so long I chased you, even when you would push me away I would still be right behind you chasing you. Now the tables have turned and its you chasing me and that feels nice. You send me on a emotional rollercoaster because while everything that comes out of your mouth sounds soothing and great I cant help but to think but for how long.... How long are you going to be this great person? If I took you back tomorrow how long would I have until I am right back in the same shit show I was in before? You would have to go snail speed with me. My heart cant take no more pain or destruction. When you say sexual things to me it makes me cringe. It makes me cringe because you would have to fully win over my trust before I would ever be able to let you have me sexually again. You always fulfilled me sexually but never mentally. I will never give you your physical wants again if you cant meet my mental needs. Like I said, snail speed. This is not a fairytale between you and I. This almost seems like survival of the fittest. Whos going to break first and whos not. Who is going to give in and who isn't. I hate you do this to me. But I can not help it. You asked me this the other day, you said "is this it should I stop trying" and no matter how badly my mouth wanted to say "YES" it just would not come out... I couldn't say those words to you. I need to work on myself. I need to be alone and get past the trauma and the pain. I need to actually deal with it instead of ignoring it or covering it up with other things. I don't know if we're done yet. I don't know if we will ever be done. I don't like sitting here fantasizing about if we have a future or not either. It gives me a headache due to the complications and how scared I am. What I do know is that I need to focus on myself. I need to work on my mental health and make sure I can be happy and healthy alone before I ever invite anyone else into my life romantically. You'll either respect it or find someone else. I don't know how long the process will take but I am willing for it to take as long as it needs to because if I don't I will hurt more people along the way and you and I both know that is not something I like to do. I hate hurting others. So I will be alone and I will fight this and figure it out. Once I do maybe then I can come back to all this mess and try to sort feelings.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Toxic Ever After

Everyone talks about abuse and toxic relationships but no one ever really talks about how hard your next relationship is after that toxic relationship.  The next person you get into a relationship with has to have patience. If they don’t then they might pick up toxic traits as a defense of your toxic habits that you so badly want to break and over come. Communication is key. If they don’t know your past and the things you been through then they aren’t going to understand why you have these toxic traits that you once never knew. It can be hard to talk about the past and the experiences you have had, but it is going to work out for the better in the long run. You get to get things off your chest and finally tell someone the horrid things you experienced and your partner gets to learn more about you and can better figure out how to make things work with you. They are not always going to understand the things you have been through and that is okay. As you are in a new relationship you have to take accountability for your toxic actions in order to break them. Even though you have learned these things from being in a toxic relationship does not mean you have the right to be toxic towards someone new. For that someone might actually be the best thing for you. Don’t let your toxic past relationship have power to destroy a good new one. Compromise is going to help as well. Compromising ways for both you and your new partner to overcome these habits and traits. What works for one couple won’t work for another so there might be some trial and error. Lastly you both have to want it. You both have to be in it for the long run. If not then is there really even a point to try to open up to them about all this trauma you have went through? No, there isn’t. When you finally meet someone that you feel like could be end game, don’t stay guarded for to long. And make sure you both are on the same page about the relationship. It won’t be easy. But I am a firm believer that when you find someone worth it, the whole damn thing will be worth it. You spent to much time in survival mode, its time to live. 

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Things I Never Said

After everything being said and done I feel like I can finally with a clear mind sit here and say the things I need to say and get off my chest. Now before I do, I am not saying I’m perfect. I had made mistakes as well. Not everything that happened was all you, but in my eyes a lot of it was you. Also a lot of my toxic responses I had learned was because of you. They was ways that at the moment I thought was protecting myself. Anyways, lets get started shall we? I am not really certain where to even start so I am sorry if this is a little everywhere. I don’t understand though. How can you claim to love someone that you treated so poorly? You was suppose to be my partner, lover, and protector. Instead you became my abuser, trauma and fear. As a partner you was suppose to support me. Instead you belittled me. Always had to put me under you and I never understood why. Any opinion or thought I had you would say was wrong or stupid. What I said never mattered because you was always right and I was always wrong. As a lover you was suppose to make sure my emotional needs was met not just my physical. Instead when you wouldn’t get your way you would use your words to tell me the worst things about myself and then wonder why I wouldn’t meet your physical wants. Now we go to as a protector. In the dictionary a protector is “ A person or thing that protects someone or something.” I think you lost sight of that meaning, You turned out to be what I needed protection from. I feared you. I never knew when the next drink was gonna be thrown on me. I never knew when it was gonna be another long night of you not letting me go to bed because you was on a rampage and so you take all the blankets and pillows from me so I can’t lay down even though I have work and a baby to look after all night. I never knew when more of my personal belongings was gonna get broken because you was upset and did not want me to have them. I hated you when you would drink. Alcohol is your biggest down fall. You drink and you have so much mentally going on in that head of yours that you lash out when you get drunk and somehow I always ended up being the one to catch the backlash. You would tell me how I was your “world”. If that is the case then I feel bad for what you portray as your world because I don’t think that someone would spit in their world’s face. That did not just happen once either. A normal person would not put their “world” in a situation like a car ride and make it dangerous because you didn’t like what I said or did. Driving like a bat out of hell to where your so called “world” would have to yell at you to “please stop driving like that”. Finally I never thought that a person that was suppose to be someone that I could count on would threaten my life. Not only threaten my life but do it in front of our child. That night you scared me. That night you looked me dead in my eyes and said you was going to kill me. How does someone get over that? Counseling? No not that way because you said it was stupid and that we did not need to talk to someone who doesn’t care and only listens for a paycheck. Lets back track a little because I forgot some things. We decided as a couple to have a child... When that decision was made we was on good terms and things seemed like we was gonna be okay. That was my mistake. How could you sit there while I was carrying your child and get drunk and tell me how me and your baby did not matter. Then after having the baby get mad and say “you wanted this” when said child was new to the world and would wake up crying. You would get so mad you would bang your head into the wall and act a fool as if you was the one getting up every two hours to feed and change him. As if you was the one maybe getting a hour of sleep between those two hours. Where was you when I finally was having a break down because I could not get our newborn to stop crying and felt like a failure and was rocking him in our bed crying and ready to put him in his crib and jump out the window? You slept threw all of that. Your mother came and took the baby and tried to help me that night. My mother came to my rescue as well and held me and told me I was doing fine and talked me down from the ledge all while you slept. You never even knew anything happened that night. I was always put on the back burner. You always wanted to hangout with your buddy, go riding, or drink. You never wanted to spend any time with me unless you wanted something sexual from me and I would not give it to you because did you honestly even deserve it? No you didn’t. When you sit back and you think “why did she leave me?” or “why did it not work” these are some of the many reasons why. And now I have this resentment for you. Because I try to have a healthy relationship now with an amazing guy who treats me like I hung the galaxy and all these toxic behaviors I have learned over the past 8 years are hard to break because it is what I am use too. I know you feel as if I left you with a broken heart, but you left me with so so so much more. I just hope now you can learn from it and be the father you need to be for our son. I also hope you learn from it and be the man you need to be for the next lady who decides to take a chance with you. P.S. You will never have a healthy relationship with someone as long as you continue to live with your toxic alcoholic mother who does not know how to let you fight your own battles. I hate to tell you that but no one else is gonna sit around and let her bully them the way I did. So I guess what I am saying is, take her tit out of your mouth. You are 26. She is 50. Learn to rely and respect a woman who wants to be your partner and stop having a three way relationship with you, your mother, and some poor girl. 

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Look Who It Is

Damn guys, its 2022. Between having a kid, covid, divorce, and custody battle I guess you could say 2021-2022 was my peak of life. For those who don’t know me clearly that’s my sick sense of humor. So let me back up a little bit. I know that when I last posted was a while ago. Let’s back track some and go down my path of obstacles and shit shows shall we. So back in 2019 I got pregnant with my little jelly bean Jaxon Lee. Such a blessing. I would never change having my child, maybe just the baby daddy. Anyways, so I got pregnant. I had a rough pregnancy with my baby. From morning sickness, placenta previa, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, and he was breeched and had to be delivered via c-section. Jaxon was born on April 16th 2020. Before he was born we was hit with covid. Nothing prepared me for the fact that we was about to have to do everything alone with a newborn. We made it though. Jax made it. I struggled with post partum depression pretty bad after having Jax. It did not help that I decided to have a baby with a toxic man. One that would look at me when our new baby would cry in the middle of the night and say “Remember you wanted this” and would bang his big stupid head on the wall. Well to continue with everything Jax got to meet his family after he was here for 2 months. Jay and I hit a bad time. Stupid mistakes were made. Decided to get drunk with the baby home. He was about 6 months at the time. Now like I said I was stupid too. I should have never drank with my baby home but I did. What I thought would be just like any other night turned for the worse that I never expected. Jays never been good at having a civil conversation. Especially when he thinks hes right and you are wrong. Well what went from a conversation over if the dog was going to live downstairs with his mother to him flipping his shit was the start of it all. He blew up. He had Jax in his arms and he was knocking things off the counters and being aggressive. I pleaded with him to give me the baby just because he was being so irate. He would not give me the baby. He ended up locking me out of the house. Finally he locked himself and the baby in our room. I finally did what I thought I had to do to get my child to safety. I told Jay that if he was such a man then come out of the fucking bedroom and face me like one and stop being such a pussy. I told him to give the baby to his mother and handle his shit... Well he did. He came out gave the baby to his mom and the next thing I know he’s throwing me into a wall. He spit in my face not once but twice. When he did it the second time I wore his head in. I mean what was I going to do just let him spit on me like I was some 2nd street whore? No. Next he drug me down the hallway and threw me in the living room on the floor. After that he picked me up and threw me out the back door. Once he did that he was like “no fuck that” and he came back outside and grabbed me and threw me back in the house into the dinning room. At this point its me, him and his mother holding our baby in the kitchen. This man that was suppose to be my protector and lover pulls a knife out and says he is going to kill me. He tells his mother to take the baby and leave because he’s going to kill me and then kill himself. At this point im begging him to stop. It was not because I was scared. It was more because that was not going to be the end of my story and that kind of story was not going to be what my child hears about me later either. He finally leaves the house. When he does my mom comes and gets me and the baby, We called the cops. The cops came and Jax and I left with my dad. After everything was said and done for some stupid reason I took Jay back. We went to counseling. Things got a little better and we stopped drinking while the baby was home. We did have alot of things we had to overcome. It was not easy but I was trying for our child. Which was my mistake. There was so many up and downs that I can’t recall them all. Anyways, since Jax was born Jay did not have a job. I supported my child. Jay babysit our kid while I worked and then as soon as I got off work he handed him off to me. H did not clean the house or preform any stay at home parent duties. I did it all. Then he would get to go out and ride and do whatever he wanted and I was not allowed to do nothing unless I had the baby due to him not wanting to watch the baby for me to do anything even though I watched our child all the time. That does not matter though. What mattered is the fact it was never a team work for us. He was always right and I was always stupid. After that when we would get drunk and Jax not be home Jay would still act a fool. tried to fight his sisters boyfriend. Would throw cups of old pop on me. Cuss me. Call me names. He would take my stuff from me and sometimes break it. Then in 2022 for my 25th birthday we went out to my parents bar. Everything was perfectly fine. On our way home we started fighting. We got home I got out of my van and so did he and he was yelling and cussing me. I wanted my keys and he threw them in the neighbors yard where I could not find them. He also damaged the front of my van by hitting it. It does not stop there though guys hang with me. After all that his drunk mother comes outside screaming and calling me names. She was told to go inside and she would not listen. She stepped up to me and I stepped right back up to her. I never dreamed anything would go any further then that since she always said I was a “daughter” to her. Well she pushed me. I pushed her back and then her heifer ass grabbed me by my hair and down we went. I left the house and went to my neighbors who saw the whole thing and stayed there. The next morning I went and talked to my step mom and dad and decided I was leaving. Things was just to toxic to stay and I was not going to let my son grow up in a toxic environment like that. Jay and I was just way to toxic for each other and then add his mom onto the pile it was to much. Now here we are. Going through a divorce and custody battle over our child. I guess I will let everyone know the out come. The end. 

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

I’m Blossoming

Hello world, it has been a hot minute since I have typed my feelings away huh? Oh well maybe it is because not much has really happened to where I needed to vent and get stuff off my chest. I do wish I would do this more often though and not just when something bad is going on with me. Anyways, so in December Jay, Krystal and I got to go to Mexico!!!!! It was seriously one of the most adventurous things I have ever done and I would go back in a heart beat. Beside walking the streets of downtown Puerto Vallarta, riding horses to a hidden waterfall, swimming in all the pools while getting sun burnt, and frolicking on the beach, Jay and I did the big thing. Yes people, we got married!!!! It was the best thing ever. It was such a beautiful scenery. It felt absolutely perfect. But of course all good things must come to an end. Now Jay and I are living the married life. I can honestly say, it feels no different then before. I guess it is where Jay and I have been together so long that in our hearts we’ve been married. I feel like life is going good. Right now, I am studying and working towards getting my GED. I am doing this because I want Jay and I to have a good life. I want our kids to have a good life as well. It is time to start growing and doing what I can for my future. I wanna be something. I wanna be great.

Oh and ps, I got my nipples pierced!!!!!!!!!!!!

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

What A Morning.

Well I have some more crazy shit that has happened. The day before yesterday we went to Jays friends Codys house to drink and have a good time. Well at 4 in the morning yesterday Cody and his women get into it and she beats the shit out of him. So with that being said Jay walks over to me and says that they’re gonna go outside and walk it out and talk and calm down. I was fine with it. I understood Cody needed to walk away from the situation and Jay is his bestfriend. So at like 4:50 I texted Jay and asked where they was. He told me they was out back. I went out back and they wasn’t there. Right then I went to make sure Codys car was still in the drive way because they was drunk. When I looked it was gone. I immediately call Jay and ask where the fuck they are. I was mad because Jay had lied saying he was out back. He told me they went to the gas station and they was coming right back. At like 5:20 I call them again because they’re not back yet. Jay tells me they’re almost to Berea. At this point I’m furious because they kept lying to me. I told them to get back to Cody’s because I wanted to go the fuck home. They’re still not back and its almost 6 am. So I call again and I’m just completely done , they tell me they’re just up the road and that they was sitting there talking. I told them they had 5 minutes to get back home. They said they’d kill themselves if they tried to make it back in 5 minutes so then I told them 10. Well they make it back and its now a little past 6. They’re laughing thinking everything is funny. I went to the back yard to meet them and when I saw them I flipped out. Jay called me a fool and that I was over reacting. Cody kept trying to grab me to calm me down and I kept pushing him and telling him not to fucking touch me. I wanted to go home. I tell Jay to get in the car because I wanted to leave and he told me no that we wasn’t leaving. I told Cody to move his car so I could get out of the driveway to go home and Cody says no and that I couldn’t leave. Well that ran all through me that these assholes aren’t gonna let me leave. So I finally went and got my shit and told everyone inside bye. I got in my car and as soon as I started it Jay and Cody come to the side of the house and so I tell Cody, move your fucking car or I will run into it. He’s laughing thinking its funny and tells me no. So guess what I did. I put my car in reverse and I backed into Cody’s car. I pull back up and I tell him to move his car or I’m gonna do it again. He put blocks behind my tires so I couldn’t move my car. Now, at this point I’m crying because I’m pissed, my feelings are hurt, and I felt controlled. I just started screaming at these idiots. I put my car in park and as soon as I did it unlocked and Cody was quick enough to open the passenger door. He gets in my car, he asked me to calm down and just talk to him and I didn’t want to talk. I was beyond heated. I told Cody that I didn’t know why the fuck he was in my car but it should be Jay trying to talk to me, not him. I’m not gonna go into detail on all the shit that was screamed and said but I am gonna tell you that I did calm down and Jay got in the back seat and we left and went home. Cody came with us. Now when Cody and Jay first left Codys house to go for a “walk” Codys women had sat on the porch with her phone in her had because she was gonna call the police if they got in the car and left drunk. But me thinking I had a great fiance told her not to worry that Jay wouldn’t do that and he was just talking to Cody and so she came back inside. And they fucking did it. I felt like a idiot. Here I was defending Jay saying how he wouldn’t do the shit and he did. I know what you’re thinking. “Why are you still mad at him”. Well thats because Jay still thinks he did nothing wrong. Jay still thinks it was not wrong of him to lie to me and to be out driving around drunk. Jay still thinks I had no reason to be mad. Honestly, it has opened my eyes though... That Jay obviously does not care about me or my feelings. That Jay thinks it okay for him to do whatever he wants as long as I sit and stay like a good dog. If I would’ve pulled that shit Jay would’ve ripped me a good one. I would’ve got it bad. I couldn’t understand why they had to lie to me. Like I was the enemy or something when I hadn’t done nothing. It makes me wanna take my engagement ring off and  put it back  in the box because I don’t feel like his fiance anymore. I don’t even feel like being around him or talking to him but yet I want him to know that I’m still mad and that I’m still hurt over the way he did me that morning. I’m gonna hold my ground until he realizes. I’m done letting him get away with eveything.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Beautiful Madness

I write a lot of negative bad things about Jay and his family. So here I am. I’m gonna let everyone know how amazing being with this man can be. Over all the really shitty things that I may or may not have control over, Jay is still the love of my life. Never did I ever think that one human being could make me feel as he does. This man has many flaws. But he also has so much that I desire and  admire about him. Jay is an ass. Underneath all of that though is the most big hearted person I know. He makes me smile so much. He gets on my nerves horribly but I can’t help but smile when he does. I know this kid would do many things for me. He’s my biggest supporter. He has helped me through so much and has been there for all my ups and downs. When I look at Jay all I see is my future. My happy ending. Even though sometimes I feel as if I wont have one. I know when I’m with Jay no one will ever hurt me. He’s not only my lover but he’s my protector. I know when push comes to shove he’ll be by my side to fight with or for me. He encourages me to try to be at least something. If I’m nothing in this world at least I’m his. It’s crazy that he still makes my heart skip beats. I fall into the depths of his eyes and get lost in them as I did when I first saw him in that counselors office. I don’t understand. Even when I try to not want him, I do. And sometimes even more. He knows exactly how to piss me off and make me wanna kill him. But as soon as he looks at me with those beautiful eyes I melt. I quickly forgive him because “I’m sorry” never sounded so good until I heard it roll off his lips. He has lips that I could kiss forever. He’s like this majestic creature that I have found and have been able to tame and become apart of. At night when I’m laying in bed, I can sleep so good especially when I can feel him holding onto me like I’m gonna crawl out of bed and disappear. Nothing feels more right then when I get to kiss him goodnight and wake up and kiss him good morning. We’re getting married on June 25th 2018. We will be together 5 years on this day. Its perfect. We are gonna have the most beautiful wedding. I can’t wait to become Mrs. Jay King. I love our car ride together. We always end up goofing off and singing together, sometimes dancing. He makes me laugh so hard when he starts making fun of the music, even though sometimes its annoying as hell. He can be so goofy acting. His dance moves are horrible but hilarious. He can’t sing worth a lick. But I still love it when he does sing out loud like he doesn’t have a care. He’s so full of life. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him. He’s able to just put away all the bad and focus on the now. He keeps me grounded. He helps me see reality and that life isn’t easy. That it isn’t all good but it’s still worth living. And as long as I have him it’ll always be worth living. I love the way I feel when he hugs me and holds me in his strong arms. It’s like this huge comforting shelter, where no one can touch me. No one can bother me. It’s where I feel most safe. In his arms. I get so jealous over him, so easily too. I feel as if I have the greatest person in the entire world. Every other female is a threat. Because any other female would be very lucky to have him. I don’t want anyone else to know how great being with Jay really is. Its a storm but after the storm, the calm and the rainbows are the best. And sometimes you can have fun in a storm. Its funny because a lot of times when we are fighting we end up looking at each other and smiling or giggling and then its over. I love play fighting with him and calling each other names. We sometimes get to wild. He can be a little to rough sometimes but it’s ok. I can handle it. Its amusing how I can walk by and be like “Little bitch” and he’ll pop back off with “I’m gonna beat that ass” or some crazy shit that makes me laugh. Sometimes it sounds like we’re fighting but really we’re just acting like fools. It’s fun being with someone who you can be 100% yourself around. It’s even better when they love ever bit of you just being you. When I feel sad, I can just look at him and I know everything is gonna be okay. Even if they’re not at least I still have him. He is my knight and shinning armor. He’s that guy I always dreamed about. I wonder how we got so lucky to find each other so soon. A lot of people go almost all there lives trying to find that someone. And I found my someone when I was 16. Here I am 20 and still have him. I dreamed of him for so long. And now I have him. We found each other, and I can’t help but to think it was destiny to meet him. We’ve both made some pretty bad mistakes. I tell myself though that its because we was still real young and how was we suppose to know that we was gonna be soul mates. Either way we are living proof that if you love someone you will find a way to make it work. You won’t give up. I will never give up on my King. My world revolves around him. I try to do everything to make him happy. I feel more accomplished when I make him smile then I ever have doing anything else. He’s just so amazing. Everything about him is perfect. Even the imperfect things about him are perfect. Behind all that rough skin is a fragile being. My life mission is to make sure that fragile being is never hurt. Is always safe and nourished. He don’t have to be tough around me. He can let down those walls because I’d never hurt him. I’d never want to see him lose the light that makes him shine so bright. He’s a special someone. I’m so thankful god put him on this earth and made our paths cross. He’s my diamond in the rough. I loved him when he was just a stone and I’ll still love him when he shines like the diamond he is. I believe he will eventually do great things. He’s so smart and has so much potential. He has a reason he’s here. And I can’t wait to see how he changes the world in his own little way. I know it’ll be great because he changed my little world and made it a fairy tale. I love my lover. My cuddle bug. He is my first true love. And I hope hes my last.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

The Rambling Prude.

So it has been a minute since I’ve posted. I keep wondering why I keep coming back to this damn blog as if anyone will ever read it. As if anyone will ever care. I wonder if I’ll ever tell anyone about my blog. Maybe when I die or if I ever kill myself I can leave this for everyone to see. So everyone can understand the happy girl that they all thought they knew was actually drowning in her own pathetic misery. Wow. But, let me catch myself and the invisible readers who give a fuck back up on whats been going on with poor little ol me. On new years eve, Jay asked me to marry him. Exciting huh? Of course. Everything I’ve ever wanted. Now I’ve got all these plans and things I wanna do. Not to mention that I’ve already told 2 people they can be my maids or honor. So I’ll be either having two or deciding between my best friend or my little sister who’s really the best friend I could’ve ever asked for and has been there with me through everything since we was like 7. So many hard choices. But anyways we still live with Jays mom. It’s ok but things are getting a little difficult. You see, I keep finding that no matter what I say or do either Shawna is correcting me or Jay is. Kinda feel like I’m living at home with my mom and dad. Except Jays the dad and Shawna is the mom. It’s so funny because Jay is working now. And I’m not working very much at all at the moment. Shawna like praises Jay for working. She crys and tells him how much she appreciates it and blah blah and I just sit there and think to myself “are you fucking kidding me” shes praising this kid for doing what hes suppose to be doing and not only that but I’ve worked so much harder and so  much more and not once got anything even close to that. I find myself getting a attitude with her more and more because of all the bullshit she spews out. She acts so innocent and so pure. Like are you fucking kidding me. She lies and acts like she doesn't. Fuck man she lied and said she knew nothing about Ray selling dope and shit before he went to jail but then he sat right there and told me Shawna did know and supported him about it so they could get a car and shit. I wouldn’t be upset but that's kinda something big to lie about and to run around flaunting like she didn't know shit. Then when Ray was out and living with us she let him run everyone over. She acted like she didn’t do nothing wrong there entire relationship but if only Ray knew that Shawna once again had told many lies to him when he got out. Like she lied to him about Jays daddy living with us for 2 weeks. And also her on dating sites and going to the bar. Oh but don’t let her fool ya, she doesn’t do nothing. I shouldn’t be bringing this up though because it was forever ago,and Ray is now dead. Sometimes I just need to vent. Oh and since I am venting and brought up Jays daddy, I’m gonna get started on him for a minute. So Mr. King is getting out of jail here soon maybe. HE THINKS HE’S GONNA MOVE IN WITH US! I already told Jay and Shawna that if he does I will move out. I will be gone. Now before you think I’m being selfish and this is my loves dad. Let me explain why. Now them 2 weeks he was living with us while Ray was still in jail, Stanley had done some pretty fucked up shit. He stole from all of us. Shawna’s shoes, Cody’s pool sticks, a phone Shawna has given me to use. That’s not even the worst. One night he broke into mine and Jays room. The door was LOCKED and he took a card and popped it open. He was breaking in our room to steal our cigarettes. Well, not only is that what he got, but he also got a nice good look of my naked body laying in bed with his son! Yup. This grown old man done saw me completely naked... And then went to Jays cousin Stormi and bragged about it! Like seriously. And I had just turned 18. Now can you see why I don’t wanna live with him? What sucks the most though, is Jay didn’t even say anything. He doesn’t even care that his dad saw me naked. Or that he bragged about it. When I told Jay that I’d move out if he moved in Jay smiled and said that’s on me.  I will move if he moves in. Jay can stay here with his fucked up daddy and push over mommy without me. Sometimes I think that Jay will never leave his mom. It makes me very sad. Jay got to experience everything. He’s lived on his own. He’s got to drive around with all his friends and have fun. I haven’t got to do none of that. And I’m probably never going too either. Not like anyone cares. You see its like no one sees all the sacrifices I make to be with him. All the shit I’ve done. I’ve done so many things that I’d never do for anyone but yet I had and did for him. I love going over to his grannies. His granny is probably the craziest old women but she is real. Now going over to his grannies comes with a price. All the crazy shit happens at Jeans. I’ve already been beat up once for no fucking reason by his Aunt Amanda. He was beating the shit out of Jimmy because Jimmy had left his dad for dead in a field while they was fleeing from thieving  from the wrong people. Jay beat Jimmy’s ass for it and Amanda came and saw Jimmy getting his ass whooped and ran over the the car and my window was cracked just enough for her to sneak he arm through and grab me by my hair and neck. But that's ok. Karma comes. Now, Jimmy has been out thieving again. He keeps getting out of all the trouble he gets in. Anytime he gets arrested he is out the next day or so. We all know its because he’s ratting on other people. Jay wants to go back over there and beat Jimmy up again. I know though that if he does Amanda will try to do some sneaky shit again. Honestly, I’m not scared... I just don’t want the drama. I don’t belong in that mess. Neither does Jay. I don’t know why he feels like its his place to go make things right but honestly he’s just making them harder on his granny. But I can’t tell him that because then I’m “Not on his side”. I hate Amanda and I hate Jimmy even more. Just because of the snakes they are. Jay’s granny might only have a year left to live. It’ll be a very sad day when she goes. I also believe that the devil will walk the trailer park also after she’s gone. I’m worried about what will happen and become of the kids. Khloe and Blake. They could be something great, but they’re surrounded by madness. They are doomed as long and Amanda and Jimmy are around. That’s enough about them though. Back to me. For some reason I can’t shake my depression. A few weeks ago, I had accused Jay of cheating. And I felt crazy. I never felt so bad in awhile. I gave into temptation. I cut myself. Now everyday its a struggle to not cut again. Its hard to not even think about it. Something that took me forever to get over and now its back. The one disease that I know will kill me if it comes back around. It’s back. Knocking on my door and I’ve got to do my best to not let it back in no matter how bad it gets because I owe it to myself. I’ve came so far to go back now. But yet it is still so damn hard. I don’t get why I let myself go. Why I do this to myself. Sometimes I feel like just ending it. Like everything would be so  much easier if I did. But what stops me is how Jay would feel if he came home and found my lifeless body. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t let that be the last time he saw me. I want his last thought and picture of me to be beautiful and happy. Not me lying on the bathroom floor dead and him trying to figure out what he can do to bring me back. I feel like the only way to make people listen is when I cut. And when I cut it just makes everything feel better. It’s like a silent scream. I can scream and release the pain into something else and no one will ever know unless they see them. Unless I allow or slip up and let them see my wounds. My cry for help without having to use my voice. Its easier then having to explain a bunch of feelings you don’t even understand yourself most of the time. You just know they’re there and they haunt you. And sometimes it’s like your not even you. You are someone you haven’t met or seen in a very long time. So it feels nice when you see an old “friend”. What if, instead of killing myself I just up and disappeared? Like I saved up a bunch of money and then one day when no one expects it, pack all my things and leave while no one is here. Then no one would ever know what happened to me. If I was alive or dead. Sounds nice but I just couldn’t do it to Jay. Plus, I’m getting married and yes I am excited. And yes I am gonna go through with it. Maybe I need counseling. I feel like no one gets it though and I’m sick of trying to make them understand something that they just possibly can’t. I wish I could talk to my mom about it all. Anytime I talk to her though I just hear “leave him” or “come home”. I don’t want that though. All I want is someone to listen! I would talk to Kristyn about it but she holds everything against me. That’s another thing. I’m sick of hearing Jay talk shit about my sister. His sister use to be such a bitch to me and even worse to him. Yet I still didn’t say nothing. Sat there and smiled. But he thinks its ok for him to run his petty ass mouth and I hate it. It really makes me wanna fight him. Because my family isn’t perfect but his is wayyyyyy more fucked then mine ever thought about being. Anyways I got to go for now.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

It's just a shitty day to be me huh.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

Why me..

Some days I love being alive, to go outside and smell the fresh air and see the beautiful sky. But most days, I hate life. I hate the fact that I can't enjoy the air and beauty of the sky because I'm to busy being treated like nothing. And I let it happen so who else is to blame huh? Him? Yeah right. He can't even take care of his own fucking dog, let alone take the blame for how he makes me feel. Why do I stay with him you may wonder... Well because its hard to leave a person behind that you've give almost 4 years of you life too. Someone who you've spent all the time, strength, energy, and tears on. I don't want someone else to have what I worked so hard for. Plus I don't really have anyone else that'll understand and listen and not judge and just go on and on and on about me needing to come home and leave him behind and blah blah blah. I just need someone to listen. Ya know he probably treats me the way he does because he knows I don't have any one else and anywhere to go. So I guess he just figures he can treat me however. And the best part is, when he's being a dick and treating me bad, his mother sticks up for him. She says "oh I know it gives him no excuse but, he feels like this, or he feels like that or he is this or he is that so you have to understand honey" and blah blah blah. He always has back up. But I can tell you now, that they'll tell you its all me. That I start everything and I do this and that. But yet I do more for them then anyone. Fuck I do more for his mom then her own SON does. But somehow I always get thrown under the bus. I always get talked down to like I'm stupid too. I'm always told I'm stupid or I'm wrong or I get corrected. The part that gets me most though, is when Jay and I fight and argue and he makes me cry and upsets me to the point where I wanna leave him, hell start to cry himself and tellall this shit and that things are gonna change and he'll start making promises, promises that he doesn't even keep for 3 days. I get my hopes up and I listen to every slick lie that comes out of his mouth... I just don't understand why I can't find the strength to leave him... I have never been this attached to someone and I really don't know how to detatch myself from him... I'm not me anymore... I hate who I'm becoming. But I hate even more that I don't have the strength to fix it..

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick of being lonely. Depressed. Stressed. Fustrated. Confused. I'm sick of it all honestly. And Jay keeps just pushing me away and I'm just waiting for him to open his eyes and look at how far apart we really are so maybe we can fix this. But I'm tired. Tired of talking, yelling, crying and feeling like an idiot. Every time we get into it about how we feel he pulls the same bullshit. With the sweet apologies. And I forget everything cause I'm in the moment of feeling him care so much for me and loving me and holding me. But as soon as he lets me go I realize it's all the same. Same shit. Same apology I heard the time before that. Stupid me. Stupid silly me. For thinking I could make this boy a man. I tried. But I don't think I can do it much longer. We want different things at different times. I want to get married. Get a place. Start off small and work my way up with my lover. He wants a nice car first. And to live with his mom until he knows he can't anymore. He knows he don't have to do anything cause he'll always have his mommy. So it leaves me with problems. He's just not ever gonna open up and see I always have my arms wide open. And he doesn't need his mom in that way. I want to be his support system. His team. But I can't be in a relationship with him and his mom and that's exactly what all this feels like. I'm It's a 3 way relationship with us all. And I always want him to love his mother and care for her. Its not that. It's that she baby's him. He knows no discipline. He looks at me like I'm such a bitch and bad person. But honestly it's cause I've tried being everything but that. And now it's all I know how to be cause Its the only way to get his attention. Why do I always have the problems. I just want love. I just want cute pictures. Cute little 15 second videos. I want to feel the way I did when we was first together. It's like I don't even exist until he wants something or needs something or wants head or sex. I'm starting to think I'd be better off alone. Without him or anyone else. I have my heart out to ONE person and gave them 150% of me. And I get shitted on... Fuck maybe this is a sign.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

What To Do

So this past week have made me feel off about everything. I love Jay. I wanna be Mrs. and Mr. Jay King. Its what I’ve wanted for almost 3 years now. We work at Chuck E Cheese. Its fun. Jay is great. I mean hell hes already gotten 2 raises. He got his second on his third day working. No surprise there huh. Hes great at everything he does. But things with me havent been so great. Im so depressed and unhappy. I feel like Im below Jay at everything. And he has no problem rubbing it in my face that hes smarter then me and does everything better then me. Always makes me feel low about myself. Jay always seems mad at me. Hes forever cussing me or screaming at me, or even talking to me like im some type of idiot. He never gives me any attention. He only gives me attention when he wants sex or some head. Ya know whats sad. I dont even feel like our sex means anything anymore. I feel no spark no nothing. The other night I told jay to have sex with me like im just some strange chick and it was a one night stand. Ya know role play. And he did. The next time we had sex after that I realized there was no difference between the way he slept with me when we was role playing and when we was just having sex. It always feels like just sex anymore. And like I dont please him anymore like I use too. The spark has gone out... And I dont know how to ignite it again. Im starting to feel like I cant. Actually it feels like our spark has went out period. I still love jay. With every breath in me. I mean I love this boy beyond words. I’ve done things I’d never do for anyone for him. I try so hard to show him that I still love him. But its like he dont care. I cant make any mistakes. Cause when I do, he gets so mad with me and cusses me and  calls me names. He never thinks about our future. Anytime I try to say we need to save its “Im buying a car” or some other shit. Im the one who needs a car. I mean hell. I have nothing. Jay doesnt ever stop and step back and look at what he has. And then look at what I have. He has so much that I wish I could have but its like he doesnt even appreciate none of it. Hes actually on the lucky side. 20 years old and his momma still takes care of him. He has a car. His family is here. He has an xbox one. Hes doing great with his job. What do I have.... Nothing... Im starting to feel like nothing. When Jay isnt around and i think about all this I cry... But I always pull myself together so he cant see this pit im falling in. I work just as much as him. But when we get off work, he will still make me do everything. He kinda commands me to do things. And hell try to make me feel like I should do all these things cause he works now. But I work too ya know. I try to love on him, to give him compliments. Everything. And I get shut down. I think about leaving him and trying to get my shit together. So I can have a great life. But I remember, I have no car, no money, nowhere to go where i wont get judged, and the biggest stopper is I just cant part with Jay... Its like a ball and chains are wrapped around my heart and he has the key to let me go and even if hes dragging me around by that chain I still would do everything and anything I could to please him and make him happy. Its like im seriously hopelessly devoted to him. Isnt it stupid. And even if jay unlocked these balls and chains on my heart, I still probably couldnt find it in myself to leave him. Why do I have to love this kid so much. He makes me feel like shit, like im below him, but yet id still walk to the end of the earth for him. I dont know what to do to over come this. I can feel myself slowly slipping and falling into something I dont know if I can recover from... I need help. But who do I have to talk to huh ? Friends ? Yeah right I dont even know what a friend is anymore. Jay ? Lol thats funny. Anytime I talk to him about anything like this he just sits there and hardly speaks. He doesnt even explain how he feels. So thats useless. Family ? Right thats like asking to be judged and ate alive. Shawna ? Even better. Sure go talk to Your boyfriends mom so she can make up excuses for him and tell you all about what hes been threw and done I bet I can probably guess already some of the excuses as for Ive heard them so many times. Honestly, Im completely alone.. And so now I have to do what I gotta do. Im sorry mom...

P.S.

(This is to myself.) Kandace, if you tell jay any of this then your probably fighting with him or finally couldnt take the pain anymore. I want you to remember to stand your ground this time with how you feel. I want you to make he see and understand and realize what your going through. You do what you have to do. Even if it kills you. DO NOT BACK DOWN.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

New..

So, I’ve been living with Jay for almost a year now. Its been an adventure. Been some hell, with a little bit of heaven. Its been awhile since I’ve posted anything on here. This use to be my get away. And this morning I am hoping it can help me get some things off my chest like it use too. But then again, it might be to much. Anyways. We live with Jays mom. Which is awesome cause shes an awesome person. And now, her boyfriend lives with us. Don't let me forget that he just got out of jail like last summer. And he was in there for like 2 years. I accepted him. We finally moved out of the little shit hole apartment we was living in and got a house. I was so happy we got a house. It was like a new start for us all. We started to notice Ray (Jays moms boyfriend) was starting to change. He wasn’t who he made himself out to be. It started off with him just bitching about everything to Jays mom. And she’d tell us about it. And it’d be over petty shit. Now hes finally come out and hes not only rude to Shawna (Jays momma) but me also. I wake up at 5:30 in the morning for work. And one morning I was running a little late and left my hair brush on the bathroom sink. And I come home and cant find it at all. Keep in mind I’m very short. So I look everywhere and cant find it. And then I stand on top of the bathroom sink and see it had been hidden on the very top self in the bathroom. Turns out Ray took things into his own hands and put it there to let me know not to leave it on the sink. Now let me rewind some. Before Jay and I had a job, I did everything around this house, The dishes. Took care of all the dogs. Cleaned this whole house everyday. And I did it cause I knew I didnt have a job and should be doing something. Jays had was broke so its not like he could do to much. So when I found my brush, it got under my skin. Really made me mad that hes gonna be a childish ass over nothing. So I took a sharpie and wrote on my brush “ Kandaces brush, dont touch it or get smacked. Thanks” and he saw it. He didn’t really say anything about it. Now, Ray has a little buddy that hes running with. One that he hung with before he got put in jail. This guy just got out of jail also. And hes bad news. So we all know Ray is doing the same shit. But no one will say it to his face. But his little buddy was over one night. And we get in from work and Jay didn’t have any clothes for work the next day. I notice Rays things are in the washer. So kindly I asked if he’d mind if I put them in the dryer. he said he didnt care so I did. When the dryer was done I took all his clothes and put it in a basket and I had 2 loads to do. So I put my clothes that was in the washer into the dyer and then was putting detergent into the washer for my last load. Well Ray walked into the laundry room and asked what I was doing. I told him I just got his clothes out and I was gonna fold them when I got done doing everything I needed too with the washer. And he walked over and felt his close and very hatefully said they was still wet. So I told him as soon as I finished putting the detergent in the washer I’d take my clothes out of the dryer and put his back in. Lol this asshole jerked my laundry basket up and threw it infront of the dryer and started throwing all my wet clothes in it. When he did this. All I could see was red. I was pissed. Cause lets not forget all the times I’ve folded his clothes and everything for him. And hes gonna do me like that for what? Oh thats right cause apparently I did it on “purpose”. Like why would I do that lol. I have nothing against him and I’ve done all his shit before. So after that happened I lost all my respect for this childish 50 year old. So now Shawna will tell us everything this prick tells her. And come to find out he thinks Shawna is gonna kick us out. Now he must be stupid as fuck to think Shawna is gonna kick her baby Jay out. Cause Jay is Shawnas baby. And I know damn well Shawna would go homeless before making Jay leave. So whats makes me even more mad, is that no one ever says anything to this asshole. Shawna has asked us to ignore him cause its close to Christmas. But honestly its stupid as hell. Cause now this big childish 50 year old baby thinks he runs this house. Heres something that is so crazy man. Get this, he pays 1/3 of the rent me Jay and Shawna pay the rest. So we pay most the bills. No one is aloud to park in the driveway but Ray he says. Thats “his” drive way. So Jay and I park in the drive way one night cause we was gonna be leaving again. Ray parked behind us so we couldnt get out and then left with one of his friends. Tell me that isnt petty as fuck. Like what if we had an emergency and needed to leave? We wouldnt have been able to cause of his ass.So I just dont understand why no one says anything to him. I know Jay doesnt cause of Shawna. Thats the same reason I dont. But I mean I cant stand feeling like this man can just run over top of me and treat me like im shit. I dont understand why Shawna lets him do it to her. He dont ever say nothing to Jay and he isnt rude to him. It is justme and Shawna and it makes it harder to be around him. I just hope I dont lose my cool and finally let it all out at him. I hate being here with him, And I feel weak cause I cant stick up for myself... Ugh Im ready to smack him.

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]

[itsyourlifehowwillyouliveit]