itsalecsan

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

a fond memory

i hate to keep writing of stuff like this but it’s all i rlly think about. it’s currently 1 in the morning over here.. while it is still daytime back home. this week has been terrible.. I’ve done nothing but captivate my own self in this room due to my lack of knowledge of this new place.. idk anybody here. I have one friend. he lives 10 minutes away from me so I’m kinda on my own. so I lay in bed for the majority of my time.. ik why I’m in this position. it’s already been answered numerous times, oddly with a different answer each time... yet I still question.. why I’m in this position. everything seemed perfect, and it all ended so abruptly.. I’ve been nothing but confused. and all I ever seem to ask myself is, “why. why. why. why”. not too long ago I was somebody. a boy with a purpose, w/ happiness. who had the time of his life before he left for the military.. I recalled a time in my head, a night that seemed reassuring that nothing would go wrong.. an empty house, w/ only the living room lights on while music was coming out of the loud speakers.. there was a dance. between a boy and girl. it was fun.. and it felt magical. as if everybody else in this world had disappeared.. and this dance was the only thing in existent. like it shouldn’t ever have to end. nothing else mattered in the moment. what was important was the person in front of the boy... his eyes never left such a beautiful image. he couldn’t help but smile.. because he was certain that this girl was the one.. and he was almost certain she felt the same way... so as they continued to slow dance, he begin to realize how far they’ve come together, how much they’ve been thru to get to this point, w/ less than a month to spare.. and soon he couldn’t hold back his tears any longer, knowing he didn’t have much time left. and so too couldn’t the girl resist.. emotions ran wild. but beyond the chaos, they knew they still had each other.. it was a moment the boy couldn’t forget.. as the music played on and they continued to dance.. I remembered that night so fondly, cuz that same cheesy Bruno song just began to play on my phone... the boy.. laying on his bed, thousands of miles apart, thinking about how much happier she is w/ her new boyfriend.. while he’s now a nobody.

[itsalecsan]

idk how to explain the feeling I’ve been feeling lately, but it’s kind of like this

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

hoping Europe will bring about a new chapter for me.. a place where i can grow and change for the better of myself

[itsalecsan]

☁️☁️☁️

[itsalecsan]

now I'm back and I have unfinished business... there's nothing I can’t do about it anymore.. what was once my happiness is now nothing but a eulogy. I don’t really have the time to express the feelings that I’ve had bottled up ever since that night... and there rlly isn’t anyone I honestly trust to listen to what my heart has been saying.. nonetheless, I've got one more month to crush before I head out to my assigned duty station.. what I expect is unknown, but soon I'll know

[itsalecsan]

AIT put me thru 2 and a half months of what it felt like solitude. The feeling of loneliness only grew no matter how many soldiers were around me.. I didn’t feel like I could ever belong, though I managed to be the better soldier in my platoon along with my roommates/battles. This just wasn’t where I needed to be with the state I was in... so when home came, I was nothing but happy to come back.. I felt happiness.. I rlly did.. seeing my friends and parents was a privilege I learned that soldiers had to sacrifice.. so I didn’t take one second I spent at home for granted. Every moment I tried to enjoy to the fullest.. and before I knew it.. I was going back. I’ve got nothing but love for my people.. but it was time to go back to where I need to be... I still haven’t forgotten about my goal. Although I won't know the outcome of my path anytime soon, I won’t let go of my goal to achieve happiness. Thanks a lot for your guys time to be with me. <3

[itsalecsan]

October 3, 2018 basic training nearly ends in less than 24 hours... today was family day where all the soldiers get to see their loved ones for the first time in 10 weeks. everybody’s cellular devices were returned and it seemed like their expressions were beyond what they could understand as they observed cluelessly. I, too, fell victim of my own strange device, yet I didn’t hesitate to try and find a place that had wifi, something I had at least remembered about a smart phone. I was too eager to make a call, but I had realized I hadn’t eaten yet nor had my battle buddies. We stopped by Popeye’s and luckily it had wifi signal from the nearest Post Exchange. I didn’t pay no mind to the two of them, though I felt a little bad, but I had so many questions and wonders and feelings I wanted to let out... it’s been 10 weeks.... how have you been?... did u miss me?.... have u been thinking of me as much as I have of you?....  are u doing well?..... my joy and excitement gave me the butterflies, as if it was freshman year all over again..  I was hung up on and a million questions ran thru my mind..  the atmosphere had changed and the mood grew uncertain...  “I haven’t spoken to you for so long... u don't care to speak?” I thought to myself... “WHAT, you mean to tell me she hasn’t written a single letter to you bro?! I think she’s trying to tell u something dude.” Rev said as we conducted barracks maintenance. It’s only been 6 weeks and we were diving into our last phase of basic training. I hadn’t received any letters yet, though everybody else had gotten mail... I felt like I didn’t fit the part.. all I did was scan through the room for anyone else that hadn’t gotten mail...  “Na, it’s probably just the mailing system... people’s mails haven’t been sent through for a good period of time, remember?” I replied.  “Maybe college has gotten her booked..” I thought to myself..  “Alright man, whatever you say.” Rev responded as he continued sweeping the floor. I had an idea.. if she didn’t get my mail, there’s a mormon service that happens every Sunday and they give all newcomers a chance to write a letter that can be digitally scanned and sent to an email or phone number.. she’ll definitely be able to see my letter then... I became a mormon for the next 3 weeks.  I got in the car on our way back to the barracks... “I graduate tomorrow... haven’t you anything to say to me?..” I thought..  uncertainty became concerning...  what was going on?....   my phone then began to ring...  it was a call.

[itsalecsan]

i need time before i can give a summary..

[itsalecsan]

starting over

[itsalecsan]

[itsalecsan]

hahahaha