ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

I’m terrified.

I realized why I can’t sleep.

I’m terrified.

I realized why I can’t give anyone a yes or no answer.

I’m terrified.

I realized why I feel like vomiting.

I’m terrified.

I realized why I feel a pressure building my throat.

I’m terrified.

I realized why I now have thought suicidal thoughts again.

I’m terrified.

It’s not that.. I’m not happy for you or the opportunity.. but this is so unbelievably hard for me. I love having my independence, I love being sure of myself, I don’t have that there. Things are getting to real, and it’s beginning to get scary. So much so I don’t want to leave my bed for fear of contributing to the process. Up until the point of yesterday I think I was in a denial about this all. I didn’t think it would all happen and be real. Here we are and I feel sick. I don’t feel comfortable and I don’t feel confident. The pressure is feeling like too much. I don’t know how to breathe. I just want the world and time to stop. There isn’t enough time, I can’t process. The feelings of feeling forced and anger are coming back up. What’s worse? This ? This feeling? Or being without you? Those are my choices it seems. The feelings of this or that are coming back and I feel sick. I don’t want to be without you.. but.. I’m terrified.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Everyday it’s like a new wave of sadness that comes over me. I find something that isn’t okay, something that isn’t working and I start to over think on it. I’m thinking that life easier for you if I wasn’t in it. If I wasn’t here to nag you, start arguments, bitch about things I could leave alone, etc. you told me to see a therapist, but I don’t want to. I definitely don’t want to see Heather, anytime I had anything difficult happen in any of my relationships she said end it. That’s just not what I want to hear. Because she isn’t saying end it to work on myself, she just says end it and my issues would stop. So basically the only time she thinks I can be happier is if I’m single. I’m not. It’s just frustrating to hear. I just want to feel okay, I know I have to do something, but I don’t want to do have to do it alone. I don’t deserve what keeps happening.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

I’m not okay and I haven’t been for awhile.

I realized that I have no motivation anymore. I don’t want to do more than I am right now in my career, which is a new feeling for me. Even depressed I’ve felt motivated and desire to be more… but not anymore.

I’m over the thought of doing more then sleeping and laying in bed. I’m over going to work. I’m over having to force myself to wake up in the mornings. I’m over forcing myself to be okay enough to do anything before work. Im over having to be an adult.

I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to go to therapy, I don’t want to go inpatient, I don’t want to take medication, I don’t want to workout, I don’t want to do anything.

I’ve googled, “what happens to my house when I die?” And the answer from what I see is that you’re able to take the loan over at its current rate and stuff. Which is good because the housing market it crazy.

I’m over everything. If given a choice at this moment.. I would take it. But I know I can’t. It’s selfish if me. It’s just been haunting me when I sleep, when I day dream. Just the thought of no more. No more having to do anything. Just.. black.. what I think death is like is black, like a black screen. Kinda like a deep sleep with no dreams. I wonder how true it is? But I’m sure if you google what is death lie you’ll get religious people saying shit about god, and I’m not interested.

Anyways, do I have an actual plan? No. Do I have an active plan to make something happen? No. Do you need to worry about me at this moment? No.

Then why am I telling you this? To be honest, to tell you how I’m feeling. To try to express it as well as I can without just saying I’m sad. I think this is the worst it’s been. What do I think you can do? What can you do to help? I don’t know. I don’t know how to help myself, so I’m not sure how you can help. I don’t know what to do honestly.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Forever being married to you won’t be long enough.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

💕best thing to ever happen to me

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

I’m laying here in bed thinking about how I miss you. I miss you being here in bed with me like you were last night, like you were a few hours ago. I’d hold you, keep you cuddled and tell you all the nice things my head could think of. All I want to do in life is make life better for you. I’m completely obsessed with you and you’re everything to me, absolutely everything. I couldn’t imagine going through life without you now. I don’t ever want to. I know I’m dependent, I’ve been told by Heather a million times because blah blah my childhood, but I’m okay with being dependent to you. Sometimes anyways. I rather be dependent with you then independent by myself. I would go to the ends of the earth for you to be by my side. Just you for the rest of my life and I’ll be happy, you’re all I need.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

I wonder if you noticed, I wonder if you thought about it.

We didn’t kiss a single time yesterday. Call me childish or whatever but I just wanted to see if I always kissed you or did we kiss each other? Do you kiss me? Do keep in mind this wasn’t the plan the whole day. I just noticed at one point I hadn’t kissed you and I just thought more about it. Well I know yesterday was different, we were out of town, doing stuff, in public etc etc. but you didn’t kiss me.

At the concert I got discouraged for some reason because you told me I couldn’t put my hands in your shirt. Which is completely okay, and it makes since with the setting we were in. I didn’t notice but I stopped touching you completely after that. You noticed that. You mentioned that I wasn’t touching you, you kept pulling me closer and touching me. You told me you wanted physical affection. It was nice to see you want me so simply like that. It seems that physical affection has become your love language. I like that.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

I want to marry you. The first time I got married I was worried that it might be a mistake. I thought that until the moment before we actually got married, then I actually panicked for a few days after that. You, Barrett, I’ve thought about marrying you very soon after we kissed the third time. With you I feel not set backs, no second thoughts. Nothing I’m my brain is telling me no. It maybe like that because I think that marriage is more bonding then anything, you couldn’t just leave me easily. Even with my mental illness chiming in with that statement. I mean it when I say that you’re it for me. I’ve made mistakes, lots of them, but that’s not who I am. I’m forever going to be your Alice and you’ll be my Noah. I want that forever. The best day of my life will probably be the day I realize that I can sign your name with mine, and you can’t say, “not yet.” My name has never been said so beautifully until you’ve said it with yours. You’ve only done that maybe 3 times tops but I’ve lived for that moment. I absolutely light up inside when I hear you say my name. It makes me want to get someone to sign the papers immediately and just have you say it all the time, but I know that you want a wedding. In a way I do too. I want to see you at the end of a walk way looking at me smiling like how you do, waiting for me to get to you and you to say “I do.”

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

So.. we’ve reached a new level of trust. You have me your phone password. Something that has slightly bothered for months. I can’t say how much I appreciate it. Somehow it gives me a sense of comfort in our relationship I didn’t have before. It’s not from the chance that I could go into your phone, it’s more that you trust me enough now to have it. Like little things like when you’d play music in your car and you’d say I could change it but I’d have to hand it back to get you to unlock it, that could be different now. It’s a feeling of we’re together, everything is ours in a sense. From our last.. argument I can tell you’re trying your best to make accommodations for me to be more comfortable. It means so much to me to see you trying so hard to make me silence things that go on in my head. I hope you still know I still plan to keep my end of a promise I made. Not to go through your stuff. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to let my issues break the trust you have with me now. I’ve let it happen before and I don’t want to keep tearing that down. I am worried about there being a time that I can’t control myself, where I’m torn with a a choice and my mind is screaming at me to do something I logically don’t want to do. I’m scared of that moment. There has been times recently that you’ve fallen asleep with your phone unlocked and before I’d even have a chance to think about it, I’d lock it. I’m proud of myself then. I’m proud of the small things I’ve done to try and work on my own trust issues. I hope you can see I’m trying too. I’m trying to be more open, which in turn sadly means more breakdowns. I’m trying to talk more when I’m upset. I told you one of my biggest fears the other night. I don’t know if you realized it or not. I said that what if I try and leave you, what if I break down and just try to end it? You said exactly what I needed to hear, “I wouldn’t let you.” You said it so confidently, so seriously that I knew you meant it, I knew you wouldn’t let me leave. (Not saying that in a controlling way) that’s my biggest fear right now is that I somehow convince myself you really are better without me and I end it. I really don’t want that. I get sick at the idea of being without you even for a minute. I can’t be without you, you’re everything I’ve ever wanted and so much more. You’re worth everything to me.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

So I took these screen shots a few days ago. Check em out. 384 days you posted for the first time I blog that you made just for me. Just to express your emotions about me but not tell me. You haven’t yet told me about it, we were just friends. Nothing more but certainly nothing less. You were already an owner of so much of my brain. You occupied so much of my thoughts. 383 days ago you posted a story that you wrote about the first time we met and to be honest I don’t know how long it was posted before you even told me you wrote anything. I do know that since I read that, months after night, that I’ve been hooked on you. I’ve been hooked on your every word. I hoped that every word you spoke was about me. I hoped that everything you thought was about me. I remember replying to you after I read it, saying you could easily make someone fall in love with you. You do know I was meaning me right? I think you’re smart enough to figure that’s what I meant. From that day forward I checked your blog everyday, sometimes more then once to see if you had posted anything or reblogged anything. I lived (and still do) for the little things to know that I was in your mind. You could tell me I was, but that was something different. That blog still is one of my main sources for happiness. When you started writing out me, I’ve never felt so much love for me before. I’ve never in my life someone could feel for me so purely as you did. In a way after my marriage ended I thought I was mostly for sex. Not saying I think anyone used me for sex because all of them wanted to date me, but.. the way you made me feel was nothing like I’ve ever felt before. It was so innocent, so sweet, so pure. We haven’t even held hands and you wrote about me like you could almost say confidently that you loved me, that you knew you’d marry me. You know? I’ve become addicted to that feeling. The feeling of you loving me, in that way, loving me how you always have. You see Barrett, there will never be another you, never a love like this again, nothing will ever be as you. So I can say with full confidence that if you were to leave me, I’d never love like this again. I wouldn’t want to marry anyone else, I wouldn’t want to date anyone else. You may have waited days and weeks for me, but I waited months and years for you.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Im struggling, I’m going so far into my head that I’m starting to feel like I’m not even there. At work my mind is over places, I can’t think, I’m slow to respond, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long it’ll last, I don’t know what’s caused it.. I just don’t know and that’s frustrating for me to accept. I’m sad all the time, I don’t want to get out of bed, I’m tired, but yet I can’t sleep. Honestly I’ve thought more about dying then I’d like to admit. Not that I have a plan, but more of like sleeping forever. Just to get away from the thoughts that won’t stop. For the pressure to release. I’ve decided to post this on this account instead of the other blogs I have because a part of me wants you to know what I’m feeling, but at the same time is battle to want to tell you because I don’t know what will help me and I don’t want you to think it’s your fault.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

You know, I’ve noticed a lot that i stare at you sleeping. Not in a creepy way, but I stare at you when I can’t sleep, I stare at you when I can’t stop crying at night and I don’t want to wake you up, I stare at you even when you’re awake to calm myself down. I stare at you to remember no matter how hard my brain tries to tell me things I don’t want to hear, that everything will be okay, that we’ll be okay. When I look at you for you long I remember how it felt when we used to stay in bed together and stare into each other eyes and sometimes cry about how much we loved each other. You know I still get like that? I still feel that intense emotion when I look at you? I do. I very much do. I’ve loved you for so long, and I’ll love you for so much longer.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Oh the amount of times I fall in love with you in a day.. 💕

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Writing another thing I’ve missed among us both. I miss the way you’d get excited when I’d write for you, either I would tell you I wrote you something, or that you’d just check to see if I did. I wonder if you still check if I did. It’s still apart of my morning routine, even though I don’t expect it because were both having an extremely hard time lately and the words for me are getting lost In the tears and the over thinking thoughts are shouting louder then normal causing my words to stay back.

I’d like to tell you about the beach. We just wanted to get away for the day and you wanted to go to the beach. Normally I’d grumble and not want to go, but everything sounds better when you’re there. We went to Walmart the day before and bought snacks, chairs and a couple of other things. I love even the most basic things with you, shopping at Walmart. We can start conversations so easily about anything and I absolutely love it. We get home and I start packing, I love packing for trips and I love packing lunches and all that shit so I knew what all to do. You were a fantastic help with giving me bags, while you did most of the cooking for dinner that we were actually having that night. The next morning we woke up kinda late, 11? I think, originally the plan was pensacola which is 3 hours away but we switched that to a beach in Alabama, one we went to our first time out of state together. I can tell you with 100% certainty that I loved this time better. This time I get to say how beautiful I think you are, how I love you, and I get to touch you, kiss you, most of which I thought about doing the first time we were there. Throughout the day we continued to go in and out the water, eating snacks and food i had packed. Such a simple day but yet I loved it so much. You were so beautiful, so peaceful. It had been awhile that the voices that told me I’m not good enough and everything is not what it seems were quiet. But they were for the most part. We set our eyes on home and we went to buckeys, i had never been before. It’s like the a fantastic Walmart gas station, very interesting. I had gotten sad but a reply you gave, and I tried to not like my brain run with it and bring the whole rest of the day down but I stayed silent the rest of the ride. You noticed I’m sure because later on you apologized, but the part I liked the most is before you said anything to me you kissed me. You kissed me slow, your hands on my face, you kissed me how I’ve always loved. In that moment everything sad and bad went away. In that moment everything became okay again.

Over the past month my over thinking has gotten really bad. The longer we’re together the worse it gets. I’m scared to lose you, which is funny because I then my brain does the thing that very well could make you run away from me. It makes me act and so crazy things. The worst part of it, what I do is toned down from what it screams at me to do, so I have some self control ha.. I don’t trust myself anymore, which is a big part of it.. I don’t know what is real and what’s not. It’s a daily struggle for me. You’re having a tough time too, with work and just overall being sad. I guess I hold some comfort in knowing what’s at least making me sad and upset (my overthinking) but you say you don’t know what’s really doing it for you, and I know that really is upsetting all by itself. Brittony, I have a lot of issues, you have a lot of issues, but all I know is I’d do anything to work on myself to make me better, not only for you but for myself. I want to be a better me for you. You deserve that, you deserve the more confident, happy, secure me. I hate that you got this messing up side of me. I’m working on it. The other night I cried while I told you I want more love, that I missed the way you used to try with me. You got upset because you said you shouldn’t have to explain to me how you love me. You’re right, but sometimes I need to be reminded. The point of me bringing that back up is that I don’t know if it was your intention or not but I like that you cooked last night. It wasn’t something that I mentioned, but I loved it. You said what I named isn’t how you do things, and that’s okay, I can adapt. But you have no idea how great it felt all day knowning you were doing something for me like that. It made me so happy, so excited, so.. cared for? (Not saying I don’t normally, but like extra, and I kinda need extra right now.) I promise I’ll do extra too if you need. I don’t know if you’ve felt you need more love too, but I can do that if you ask. Last night you mentioned you’ve noticed that you haven’t done the dishes in awhile, I told you that it’s okay that I’ve been doing it, it’s what I’m here for and you genuinely seemed happy to hear that. I love seeing that type relief on your face, almost as if you were expecting a different response. That’s what I always want to be for you, relief, a safe place, a comfort, I’d do anything to stay that way for you. 

I love you more then I could ever express. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as hard as I love you. Which is terrifying, but I never thought I’d be able to feel emotion and love like this after the damage I’ve had. You’ve been able to change so much of me for the better. You’ve made me feel worth it, worth the struggles we have, worth trying for. I hope I do the same for you. I love you, so much. 

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Sex at 3a or 4a? Yes, we don’t get back to sleep until 6a and I’m absolutely okay with it. I loved how your body was reacting to every touch, every word I said seemed to drive you wild, every kiss made you whimper. It was almost as if I hadn’t touched you in a month, it had only been a few days for you actually, but either way I was thrilled with how badly you seemed to want me. It was as much as I wanted you. You see I was practically begging for you to run you fingers across my nipple, to make a move, to touch me, I wanted you to. I wanted you to take me when and wherever you wanted. The idea is electric to me, you taking me wherever you want, kitchen, car, backyard(I still haven’t got the jeep sex I was promised). Because I’m yours, every part of me, every piece of me belongs to you. I want no one else, I’m completely and utterly yours, I don’t even see other people if I’m honest, they just don’t exist, so even if that chick at work is hitting me, I don’t see her. No one in the world matters to me other then you. I love that in less then a year of knowing each other we are here, together, in love, engaged, living together, pets together, 3 cars, doing finances together. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

Next month makes 6 months, can you believe that? At the same time that it feels like we’ve been together forever, it also feels like we’ve only been together a month. I still look at you and feel all the feelings I did before, the intense desire to hold you, kiss you, tell you over and over that I love you. I try to tone down my desire to tell you that over a million times a day. I’ve learned a lot the past months, I’ve learned that I’ve never wanted to make anyone a sappy as I want to make you. That I never cared about anyone else like I do you. That I’m more into making you happy then myself, which people could see as a bad thing but I don’t think it is. We’ve had a couple of bumps in the road of course but they still never seemed that bad because for once in a relationship I didn’t feel like you were going to leave me at the first sight of me having a feeling or an over thinking thought. Unfortunately, I still have a lot of over thinking thoughts, I dream is that one day I don’t have as many and I don’t think about them constantly. You’re perfect, I’ve never had someone capture my attention and hold it as strong as you for this long, and I never see that lightening up. I still love the way you’ll kiss me slow. I love the cute comments you make to me. I love the way you look at me. I love the way you got when you realized that I really do plan to date you forever. You’re absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me and I never plan to let you go.

Side note though, even if you’re drowning, I know how to swim. I’ll be right here, for you, always.

[ithinkaboutyoumorethenishould]

I stopped rereading the stories a few weeks ago. I stopped because I was scared that everything was going to burn around me when we went through a bump. I didn’t want to keep my heart racing with the words you’d write invade you stopped meaning them. Not that you didn’t not mean them then but now. I like rereading the stories because you still feel that way. It wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t now. It’d crush me to reread them then. I started rereading them again today and it made me happy, it made me feel like it always has, bubbly, excited, in love. I’m always in fear of losing you, you’re just so perfect and I’m just a mess. I doubt things to much and I over think. I tell you some stuff, but not all of it. Hence the jokes we started making about my other tumblr with all my bad thoughts. I thought maybe I’d show you that tumblr, I really have. But then I over think that too. You’re perfect and I know you’d do anything to make me feel okay and to reassure me. Honestly it’s so much that doesn’t make sense. A lot of that page is just my overthinking. Sometimes random phrases, or words. Sometimes it’s just me saying I’m not okay in general. I hope one day whenever that is I’ll show you that. Because it’s not that I don’t trust you with exposing myself like that. I just don’t want you to change or second guess yourself with everything you do. I love you, just how you are and I think we’re perfect. I love everything we are and what we’ve become. What we’ve both allowed ourselves to be. I would never want to change that. I slightly got off topic, but I guess I wanted to say that too. I love you so much. More then my words or thoughts or actions could ever say.