isarb

[isarb]

3/14/24

12:26am

Diamond Dr

As I lay here beside my love and listen to her slumber

I can’t help but wonder

I wonder if this is all just an act. Like Diamond claims she can’t tell I’m bipolar. Her saying that was scary to me. Am I just on my best behavior?Am I masking? Am I masking so much that even I’m convinced? I wonder

Nikkia says my tolerance is low. I have so much going on that I don’t have the capacity for everything. She said that the what I’ve been feeling is anxiety.

Yes the dynamic is stressful. A lot of poly relationships in the beginning can be stressful. It’s a huge adjustment.

But…

What if I’m also so heightened internally bc I’m trying my absolute best to not come off bipolar. & honestly…I can see how that could be true. Like yes this is a hard situation to navigate, but I’m often working through my mind how to respond in a way that doesn’t show that I have a serious mental illness. I think that could be a big reason as to why I’m especially exhausted. In a way, I’m trying to be perfect..I’m trying to come off as if I don’t have these conditions…episodes…paranoid thoughts and reasons to believe I should unalive myself. Damn it sounds like I am once again playing a role. Being unauthentic?

OR

Have I just finally learned how to walk through this world in the midst of adversity using my skills? Is it just that I’ve leaned to respond instead of react?

Am I okay?

I don’t know

I think so?

I have so much going on rn and my head just keeps spinning. I have been happy but a lot of things are not going well.

I guess time will tell

If I prevail

Ultimately it’s inevitable…at least in my eyes

Also, I hate that I think about my mental health so much. Is it fear? Am I scared? Am I afraid that Diamond is going to see an ugly side of me? Of course I am. Am I constantly bringing things up so it could maybe prepare her for the day the symptoms of my conditions present themselves?

In these moments I feel alone. Like nobody actually understands. Nobody could understand what I’m actually going through. Words can’t usually describe the magnitude of my emotions. It’s just me…alone in my head. Thoughts so loud I can’t hear the world around me.

[isarb]

3/31/24

8:32pm

Diamond Dr

You know….I could handle it if Diamond left me to work things out with Kareem. I can deal with that. I can handle that. That’s her whole man….but for her to leave me bc she’s afraid that me being mentally ill will effect her negatively…I can’t handle that. I didn’t see that coming. That breaks me. I have tried so hard to be healthy…to be calm, to respond appropriately, to be patient, kind, and understanding. I have tried so hard to work through difficult conversations. While I’ve had an amazing time with Diamond, navigating the poly dynamic has been extremely hard. I’ve had to put my feelings to the side and be okay with not getting my way and letting go of anger to exercise compassion and empathy. I have never tried so fucking hard. I’ve never put in so much effort to be healthy….and to come this far and lose bc I’m SMI…that’s too much to bear.

Everyday I wake up and I try to love myself despite the suffering I endure to manage my mental health. Every day I force myself to swallow pills, so that I can maintain my sanity. I spend up to $500 a month on therapy out of my own pocket to comply with my treatment. I am truly doing my best.

Knowing the last time I saw Val was during an really bad manic episode and knowing that very episode is what led to our final break up

Knowing my roommates are afraid of me bc they have seen my illness rear it’s ugly head

Knowing that I walk around in this world completely misunderstood…

People don’t know what it’s like. People don’t know the things I fight in my mind…the things I see, the things I think. People in my life don’t understand my battle. How could they? How could I fix my lips to tell someone that on most days I imagine myself with a 9 to my head.

I was honest with Diamond. We talked about it a lot. I told her how I really felt. I told her the things I really see. She said she understood. She said she wasn’t afraid…

At the end of the day I will always stand alone, in the midst of a war I will never stop fighting.

Is it really worth it?

[isarb]

3/20/24

Diamond Dr

7:00

Happy World Behavior Analyst Day!!

Today I failed the BCBA Exam

I always thought if that happened it would send me into a deep dark depression. I don’t feel that way at all. I was reminded the other day that’s it’s an honor just to become eligible to sit for the exam. I’m proud of myself for coming this far…especially considering the way my life has been the last 4 months. From 2 weeks in the mental hospital from a really terrible manic episode, to adjusting to new meds, to losing my job and being out of work for 2 months, to finding out my spine is still fractured and I have to go to PT 3 times a week, to not making rent, to being forced to doordash, and to finally letting my relationship with Val go, for good… to say the least, the last few months of my life have been extremely difficult. There were truly days that I didn’t even thing I would be here long enough to even reach my exam date. I’m not upset…I am proud. I am proud to finally reach a place in my life where I’m happy. Yes, it’s true, I could’ve worked harder. I should have. The thing is, for once I prioritized my mental health and my happiness over everything else. I truly feel healthier than I ever been and I’m extremely grateful for that. Yes…I failed, but I’ve truly gained so much more. For there to have been so many hardships, so many breakdowns, so many tears, so many nights laying awake in a hospital, so much toxicity w Val, so much financial ruin, so much heartache, so much of swallowing my pride and facing my pain…for me to have experienced all of that and to still be here today (after failing the biggest exam of my life) and be able to smile…that is priceless. I am so grateful.

Also, my friends have been truly so supportive. To my woman, Diamond…and Ariah, Coi, Gina etc., I will forever love yall with all of my heart. I’ve never had anyone stand by my side and pick me up when I fall especially literally at my lowest moments…like I literally cannot ask for more. Like when I got out of my exam, there were flowers on my car and Diamond was outside waiting for me. Like nobody has ever done that for me. Nobody has supported me like that. Nobody has just truly loved me for who I am and not judge me. To have someone rooting for you like that…like wow. Like this is the first time I’ve felt truly loved in a long time.

Yes, it sucks that I failed. This has all been a learning experience for me. I didn’t really know the best way to study and honestly in the midst of everything I’ve been through, I struggled. Now, I’ve seen the exam and I know exactly where to go from here. I know how to recover from this loss and I will obtain the gold soon.

Also, preparing for the exam made me strengthen my relationship with God. I often get so caught up in life that I forget to praise Him and worship Him the way I should. It took me to encounter a Muslim man and learn about Ramadan for me to see like wow Jesus is my savior and through Him is the way to the kingdom.

Today I cry tears of Joy. It was just yesterday that I felt like life just wouldn’t go on…and today I am excited for what’s headed my way. I’m happy and I finally have a little peace. Life is good. 🙏🏾

[isarb]

I Tried

1/20/24

12:17am

Diamond Dr

This life has been excruciatingly painful. From the time I opened my eyes on this earth to this very breath I take, it’s been more than difficult. Some days feel impossible. Some days I don’t think it’s worth it. If I had one wish it would simply be to be normal. In my mind I remove myself from this world so often, only to wake up again the next day and breathe the same polluted air. I truly cannot breathe. The tears flow faster than the thoughts I can’t escape. I keep running and running and running and frankly, I don’t think this a race that I will ever win.

[isarb]

It Feels So Wrong

Diamond Dr

1/19/24

7:16pm

As much as I crave to be touched, to be held, to be kissed…it feels so wrong to even think about laying with any woman other than Val. Like just thinking about having to look Val in the eyes and tell her I gave myself to another woman hurts so bad. I know that would hurt her. I know it would change everything for us. In my heart and soul I know that I will never love…not even look at a woman the way I do Val. She’s my first love. She’s the first woman to ever make me feel truly alive. She has my heart. She has my soul. I belong to her. I would go to war with 100 men just to have her by my side. I adore her. She’s a fucking god. She’s my god. I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve behaved so terribly. Each night I go to sleep with self-hatred on my heart for the ways I’ve hurt her. I feel like a part of my purpose in this life is to give her the love that I never had. I feel like it’s my duty to bring her more life. I truly owe that girl the earth, the moon, and the stars. I’ve never encountered someone so virtuous. I’ve never been in the midst of the power she holds. Some days it feels like the only thing keeping me alive is dreaming of meeting her at the alter. Other days I find strength in knowing it would break her if I removed myself from this earth. She is what keeps me tethered to this live. I live…for her. Since moving to Arizona, I have tried and tried and tried to figure out how to meet her needs. I try so hard to make her smile and there are so many days where I fail drastically. I’ve never wanted to accomplish something so badly. I’m fighting for my life every week in therapy to heal myself so that I may heal her. So many thoughts run through my mind each day and she is in the midst of them all. So yes, even thinking about another woman feels spiritually unclean. It feels like a sin. It feels like walking away from God.

[isarb]

Sometimes I scare Myself

1/2/24

7:48pm

Diamond Dr

Im so afraid. I’m so afraid of myself, my thoughts, my emotions. I’m afraid that I’m going to completely lose my mind. I’m afraid I will snap and hurt someone. I’m afraid I’ll be fucked up forever. I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever.

I hate myself for being bipolar. I hate myself for having mental illness. I hate this shit so much. Nobody fucking understands. I feel so alone. This shit is so fucking hard. I cry so much just wishing I could be normal. I cry so much wishing living a stable life wasn’t this hard.

I’m often locked in my room fighting to quiet the voices in my mind. Sometimes it feels like I’m making this shit up. Sometimes the thoughts get so loud that I spiral and end up in an even deeper, darker hole. Sometimes I’m afraid I will kill myself.

Haven’t I been through enough? Hasn’t my life been hard enough? I trust you God, but why? I just want to know why my life has to have so many hardships.

I can’t even keep writing

I’m dying slowly

It feels like I lose more and more of my sanity each day

Okay I’m back

8:02pm

My moods change so frequently I cannot keep up. Literally every few minutes I’m a different person

I’m tired Lord

[isarb]

1/1/24

12:00am

Diamond Dr

Today I vow to change my ways

So I can bring in better days

Today I rise I become a new

Reflecting on how I grew

Today we start the beginning of the best life ever

God create in me a clean heart

Remove anger within me

May I develop the skills

May I develop the grit it takes

May I become comfortable in my peace

May I live for God

[isarb]

12/29/23

Diamond Drive

12:03pm

I just feel really alone rn. I went through a major crisis and had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 8 days. Some of the people that I that I thought cared about me didn’t even reach out to check on me. Elizabeth didn’t say a word. Kelsie didn’t say a word. Nobody from work checked on me. I could’ve died and I feel like mfs wouldn’t even care. That hurt me deeply. I know there’s no evidence that shows that people must/should love me. I have to radically except that. It just really hurt.

I snapped on Val in the gym and went into full psychosis. I completely understand why she needs space. I can’t pretend like she’s supposed to drop everything to be by my side when I’m the one who’s hurting her. I wish I didn’t push her away so much. I love her. I need her.

Ariah was the only person that came to see me in the hospital. She was there for me. For that, I will love her forever. She has my back. She cares. Although she hasn’t seen the worst side of me, she accepts me for who I am. She understands that I have mental illness and doesn’t judge me or put me down bc of it.

Kyra won’t even text me back

Coi never initiates hanging out

I just wish I had more community. I wish I was surrounded by like minded go getters that are there to support me.

I will say shout out to Hope for being a real one.

I just feel really alone and abandoned…which triggers me bc of what I went through as a child. I know that’s something I have to work through…it just really really breaks my heart.

Nevertheless, I love me. I am working on taking care of myself. I will continue to work to be there for my inner child

[isarb]

Some Workouts Will Humble You

12/5/23

6:08pm

EOS Parking Lot

Ive been working out with Val for the past couple of weeks and I must say it’s been a humbling experience. She is stronger than me…more fit…has more stamina…has better form…a better physique. She is basically training me bc my form sucks, my breathing sucks, I’m not that strong, and I have essentially no stamina. It hurts my pride that she is stronger than me bc I’m supposed to be the man. I’m supposed to be the strong one…I’m supposed to be training her.

Today was hard bc I made so many mistakes and I was doing a lot of stuff wrong. I had to go down in weight bc my form was so bad. Breathe, form, engage core, inhale, exhale plus then I gotta lift the weights too. It was hard for me. So many steps I got lost along the way. It was upsetting. I felt humiliated. I felt…weak.

Then Val basically said I wasn’t working hard enough bc I was joking around a bit. She said I was going to slow on the elliptical and on the treadmill. I started very slow bc I know I have no stamina and I will be completely tired out by the time I reach 5 mins. I am very timid and afraid when it comes to cardio. I’ve always hated it…even since my high school basketball days.

Today really humbled me. I know that each day I will get better, but right now I’m just tired, fat, and fragile.

[isarb]

Some Workouts Will Humble You

12/5/23

6:08pm

EOS Parking Lot

Ive been working out with Val for the past couple of weeks and I must say it’s been a humbling experience. She is stronger than me…more fit…has more stamina…has better form…a better physique. She is basically training me bc my form sucks, my breathing sucks, I’m not that strong, and I have essentially no stamina. It hurts my pride that she is stronger than me bc I’m supposed to be the man. I’m supposed to be the strong one…I’m supposed to be training her.

Today was hard bc I made so many mistakes and I was doing a lot of stuff wrong. I had to go down in weight bc my form was so bad. Breathe, form, engage core, inhale, exhale plus then I gotta lift the weights too. It was hard for me. So many steps I got lost along the way. It was upsetting. I felt humiliated. I felt…weak.

Then Val basically said I wasn’t working hard enough bc I was joking around a bit. She said I was going to slow on the elliptical and on the treadmill. I started very slow bc I know I have no stamina and I will be completely tired out by the time I reach 5 mins. I am very timid and afraid when it comes to cardio. I’ve always hated it…even since my high school basketball days.

Today really humbled me. I know that each day I will get better, but right now I’m just tired, fat, and fragile.

[isarb]

I’m not into you like that

11/30/23

2:43 pm

Diamond Dr

You’re not into me romantically and I’m just not into platonically. I could never see you as just a friend. I could never turn off my feelings. I just can’t. To me you will always be my first love…the only real love that I’ve ever known.

[isarb]

One Fucking Sided ?

Friday 5:26am Diamond Drive

Gym Membership plus training

Helped with home projects

Drove you to every store you wanted to go to

Drove u to party and picked u up and got you food afterwards

U asked if I could break your back

You said you could consent

You let me spend the night

We cuddled

I started going to the gym with you

I guess none of that is emotional support

The one thing she asked for

I simply don’t know how to do it

I just don’t

She deserves someone who can do that

No amount of money

No matter how many miles driven

It will never buy emotion intimacy

How can I make you feel seen when I can’t even see myself?

How can I be there for you when I don’t know how to care for myself?

How can I show you the way when I’m the one who’s lost?

[isarb]

Thanksgiving Panic Attack

11/23/23

9:23pm

Hudson Trace

Disappointing you literally breaks my heart

I don’t mean to make mistakes

I don’t mean to be reckless

I’m just not as polished as I should be to have someone like you

It fucks with my self-esteem

I hate myself when I’m with you

I feel like I’m not good enough

[isarb]

I cannot get you outta my mind

I long for you

I miss the good times

However I’m grateful that the bad times are over

I want you close to me

In my arms

Protecting you from the world that has been formed against us

I pray for another chance

Another dance

Another life with you

I love you

I’m in love with you

You’re my dream come true

You’re the thing that saves me from my nightmares

No one is better than you

Nothing

Im proud of you for choosing a safer route

I’m sad that you had to change lanes

I miss driving you

I miss paying

I miss praying…with you

I pray the stars will align

I pray I become everything you wanted me to be

I love you Valor

November 6, 2023

12:34 pm

KFS Bathroom

[isarb]

It still baffles me that I have to take medication just to function on a basic level.

Forgot to take my meds last night and I feel absolutely terrible

October 4, 2023

10:11am

KFS Bathroom

😞

[isarb]

9/28/23 9:28 pm

Currently experiencing peace. Sitting in my room after a massage and a shower. I feel extremely calm. Nothing is wrong. I’m just here. It baffles me how uncomfortable this it feels. It’s honestly giving me anxiety. It saddens me that I’ve been so traumatized that peace is unsettling. The feeling of contentment has me looking for a reason to be upset.

I have to remind myself that trauma is not my natural state. I have to remind myself that I am safe.

How do I leave survival mode behind ?

How do I lean into this new found peace?

How do I refrain from self sabotage?

[isarb]

September 28, 2023 - 8:52 pm

My therapist canceled my session for tomorrow. I’m honestly sad about it. I was really looking forward to it. I’m really looking forward to healing. I’m trying to be understanding. I’m sure she canceled for a good reason, but it makes me feel unloved. It makes me feel like nobody really cares. It makes me feel alone…like I don’t matter.

How can I use this as an opportunity to care for myself?

I can spend an hour tomorrow doing shadow work.

I can spend time in solitude and reflect.