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intoxicated-depression · 3 years

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attachments issues pt. 2

it’s not a secret that I have attachment issues, I get attached so easy and i hate it because its one sided. no one is ever attached to me like I am with them and when they are attached to me, things get weird and uncomfy because usually feelings are involved. a friend of mine, one I’ve known for like five years if not longer, just told me that he can’t see me anymore or anyone for that matter. he literally gave me this bullshit goodbye message and my heart sunk. he’s a good friend and the fact that I know he doesn’t mean it, makes it worse. I’ve been in this hole all day and my mom doesn’t understand but that’s fine. I don’t expect people to understand why it hurts so much. it’s simple though. there are friendships where you don’t have to constantly check in with one another and for awhile i was naive to think that I had that with people only to realize that I was abandoned. I was abandoned long ago by everyone but I wanted to believe that maybe we just didn’t need to be in contact. I was wrong. but he was one of the few that actually checked up on me, we reached out and talked to one another and while it usually had flirting involved, he was still a good friend to me. one of my best friends actually. so this hurts. this hurts so much and it reminds me just how much I don’t want to get attached to anyone anymore. - amm

#rants

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intoxicated-depression · 3 years

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always introduced, never introducing.

I don't have friends and I mean this in a literal sense. In real life, I'm always the one being introduced to people but I'm never introducing people. I never go out, I don't meet new people, and I never do anything outside my house.

when I was going to school, I had friends but none that I talk to now because they have other friends. friends their age.

I'm always the odd one out. the one not able to drink cause I'm not 21(not that thats stopped me) and it limits where we go and what we're able to do. I dont smoke either, I dont like it and I have asthma anyways.

even with having friends online, I'm always being introduced to others.

it sucks because I dont have anyone that i can just hit up to hang out and no one ever considers me either. I'm always the last option and I've become okay with that but i won't deny that it doesn't hurt.

I'm just here and I think I'm always going to be.

- amm

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intoxicated-depression · 4 years

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attachment issues

here’s the thing, I get attached far too easily. it’s suffocating and mentally crushing.

when we connect and we start being open with each other, immediately my heart has made a place for you. I don’t have many people in my life anymore, simply things happen and while we don’t talk, I know that they have my back while I will always have there’s. however, it’s the not talking that kills me. the part where I don’t know anything and I’m out of the loop until we see eachother again. it’s the part where I’m uncertain if they still care about me and I know that it’s just my abandonment issues kicking in from everyone leaving me.

I know people are here for me, that people have my back but I’m also detaching away from everything in my life and I just need someone to hold onto me like I do them. I need someone to be as needy as I am, someone to genuinely want to talk to me even if there’s nothing there to talk about. I just, I need something because I’m slipping

my boyfriend works, that I understand and completely support but it sucks because I miss him and it just seems like work drains him to the point where talking to me isn’t necessary or he doesn’t want to. I know it’s my insecurities talking but you kind of just know when a person’s texing style changes that somethings up, you know?

I don’t talk to many people at the moment because I don’t know how to make new friends that aren’t already in my life. whether we met through a mutual friend and are now friends, or we sometimes game together, that’s someone I’ll attempt to talk to so that I don’t have to make new friends.

oh, and here’s the real kicker. I want new friends, before this whole outbreak, I didn’t go out much because I was never considered for anything. I’m underage (to drink) and I don’t do things that a lot of my friends would do (like smoke and get high), so why would they invite me? I get it, I’m kind of the anomaly of every friend group and because I’ve grown attached, I don’t care.

so, when I made new friends and we stopped talking as often, it hurt. I felt alone again and I’m so used to being alone that I didn’t want to feel that way again. the feeling of being alone was so crushing, because I was scared. I am scared. I relapse so easily and everything triggers me, so to feel that way again, it was like “I knew that I would be back here one day” and I didn’t want that. I don’t. I don’t think that I could survive another trip into that abyss that is the feeling of being alone.

I have attachment issues and they’re slowly killing me because I don’t know how to let go. how do you let go of someone that was once your best friend? someone that you’re mother loves just as much as you do and when you tell her something about them, she’s just as concerned as you are? how do you let go of someone that was there during the darkest points of your life?

I can’t. I can’t and it’s killing me.

- amm

#rants

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intoxicated-depression · 4 years

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when I told my brother

when I told my brother what happened that night, he asked me,

"Why didn't you push him away?" "Why didn't you speak up?"

as if I had not explained the story to him, masked behind false humor so that I didn't cry or breakdown.

as if I hadn't explained how my body was littered with so much fear that I couldn't move, couldn't bring myself to actually fight back because what if he fought back too?

as if he didn't know that I had been subjected to guys constantly using me, playing me, and only wanting my body.

I was raised to believe that no means no, but that boy wouldn't listen.

"Go with the flow."

"Relax."

those were his words to me when I told him that you, YOU, were waiting at home for me. that YOU were probably wondering where I was and why I was taking so long.

I told him that my brother was waiting for me at home. that you were probably getting worried.

and you were, I lied to you with ease though, telling you that we just got slushies and talked about anything and everything.

after, I got into the shower and scrubbed. scrubbed away the feeling of his hands on me, the feeling of his hot breath against my neck and skin, and the feeling of fear that wouldn't go down the drain no matter how hard I scrubbed.

so when I finally told you, finally told you what really happened, about how he kissed me but I said no because he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, he still did it. how he erased the messages from that night because he didn't want to get caught, I assume. how he then climbed on top of me, stripped himself naked, while keeping me down, and played with himself while touching me, speaking words like "Just go with the flow. Relax."

you asked me, "Why didn't you just push him off you? I don't understand." or, "Why didn't you just bluntly say no? It's not that hard."

I was afraid. I am still afraid and I thought, you would understand that. instead I got asked inconsiderate questions, with no regard to the trauma I still feel from that night.

when I told my brother what happened that night, he indirectly told me that it was my fault.

- a memory that came back to me when I was sad (03.04)

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intoxicated-depression · 4 years

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Problem

They say, "If you spend your entire life with the mentality of, "My trauma fucked me up and that's why I am the way I am." instead of learning how to heal and grow from your trauma, then you are your own problem."

I have come to terms that I am the problem, I will always be the problem in any friendship or relationship.

I was never taught how to cope with this burning feeling inside of me.

3 years of therapy went down the drain as soon as I hit 18 and my high school took away my senior year because they ignored a simple request and instead threw me into adulthood as if I was ready for it.

3 years of therapy taught me how to talk to my mother more, bond with her. How to express myself better and create boundaries because I could never say no to anyone.

I was never prepped or taught what to do when certain things happen.

What happened to me, I only ever read in books or saw in movies, those things never prepared me for how to deal with it when it happened. They didn't show what happened behind closed doors or how to feel afterwards, instead it skipped those parts and went straight for the forgiveness and healing part.

You see, I was raised to believe that when a girl says no, the boy will listen and back off.

Instead I was shown that if I say no, I'm the bad guy and they're going to whine about being "hard" or I'm a "tease" until I give in because I feel bad for not wanting to.

Or if I got angry enough and raised my voice, he'd finally back off. But then, I'll feel bad because I snapped and he'll proceed to tell me that I didn't have to get angry, he would have listened, he was only playing.

But still after numerous no's, you still tried and in turn, I no longer want to have sexual interaction with anyone. It does not appeal to me and often I force my reactions because I want to be normal again.

Instead, I was shown that he won't stop, he'd push himself onto me and attempt to get himself off with false belief that it was okay. I have no proof that this night happened because he deleted the messages from my phone when I let him see it.

The only proof of that night, is in my nightmares. The proof is in the fear behind my eyes when I see someone that resembles him, when I flinch or become rigid around any male because I am terrified.

Instead, I was shown that despite constant rejection, with a little liquid courage, he would try to kiss me after taking me home.

I remember crying to my mom, sobbing in her arms as I asked her "Do I just look like I want those type of things? Am I dressed wrong? What did I do?" She had no answer for me and instead reassured me that it wasn't my fault.

We were best friends, I loved him but not in the way that he hoped I one day would.

How do you heal from this?

How do you grow?

Because when he and I are together, I often tense up and wait for the inevitable statement that he wants sex or something. Sometimes it's a mutual thing but more often then not, I really don't want to.

Because when I close my eyes, I can still feel his breath on my neck as he's on top of me with his hand pleasing himself or touching me. I can still hear his voice telling me to, "Relax." and, "Go with the flow."

Because when I lie awake a night, I wonder if he knew that I now forgive him for this. That I loved him so much and now I miss him more than I thought I ever would since he's been taken from this world.

How do you heal and grow from this?

I was raised to believe that family is the only thing you'd ever really need. That they'd have your back until the end of time.

Instead, I was abused. I was beat with the excuse that it was discipline but what kind of "discipline" was it that earned me getting pushed down the stairs? I only talked back and you got angry.

What kind of "discipline" was it when you pulled on my hair so tight that I was sore to touch? I only threw a sock at your head and you got angry.

What kind of "discipline" was it that made my shoulders bruise when you would smack me? I get it, I was slow and often made you repeat yourself, but was it really necessary?

What kind of "discipline" would you have shown my little sisters if I had not taken the blame? I'm afraid to know this, I never wanted you to ever hurt them but sometimes, you did.

You told me that I was fat, needed to lose weight, I was ten and literally a stick. You made me think less of myself and overthink everything, everyday was a constant fight for your approval because I believed that if I could make you proud of me, you'd stop.

Do you know at the age of nine, fourth grade, tried to slit my throat with a pair of scissors? But I didn't because I had two little sisters and I wouldn't let you "discipline them", like you did me.

I tied a bag around my head, one year later, and attempted to suffocate myself, in the fifth grade because I still wasn't good enough for you to stop hitting me or our sister's.

How do you heal from this?

How do you grow?

Because instead, even after you had been kicked out, I didn't open my mouth. From the 3rd grade to 7th, I was emotionally and physically abused by you, my oldest sister and even when you were gone and mom found out, I didn't spill.

I denied it, said you never put a hand on me, and didn't meet her gaze. You had drilled into me that mom would never believe us, that you were her favorite kid and she would sooner believe you than us because she put you in charge before she left.

It was my brother, my big brother, who proceeded to tell my mom for me. Told her how you talked to us, how you hit us for the littlest reasons, and that it was why they often fought.

My brother was the only one who tried to make her stop. He would yell at her, threaten to actually hit her, but instead she would hit him. I do not believe he ever actually hit her, but there was a time when he made her cry and my parents got angry at him for it but he didn't ever tell them why until she was gone.

Now, years later, I still flinch internally when my sister's hug me because I'm afraid that their grip will turn to stone and they'll hurt me too. Now, I tense up whenever they playfully hit me because I'm afraid that maybe it isn't so playful as they want me to believe.

While I have gotten better at accepting hugs and their play fighting, I'm still so afraid that I will not be good enough and they'll turn on me too.

How do you grow and heal from this?

You tell me because I don't know.

I'm still struggling too.

I still get nervous and scared around boys, and girls sometimes, that I'm just making friends with because I don't know what they want from me.

I'm getting better around my family but there are a few slip ups that will trigger me but I'll never voice it because I dont want them to feel bad since this is the way I am.

My past isn't the greatest but no one has a perfect life and if they do then, I'm happy for them. I wouldn't wish my trauma, my mental state, or issues upon anyone.

I know that I got this, but telling me or reminding me, that I'll always be a problem for not healing or growing from this trauma, just makes me shut down and want to die.

You dont know what it's like to breathe in this agony everyday, to feel this overwhelming sense of fear whenever anyone talks to you and wants to be friends, or to have these thoughts that you're nothing more than a bother for not just getting over it.

This is me.

I'm a fucking mess and I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with being alone because I know I'm the fucking problem and I don't want anyone to deal with this shit because no one could ever really relate to my trauma unless you were there and feel what I feel now.

But tell me, how do you heal and grow when all anyone ever talks about is how much a problem you are for not having already done it?

There is no time limit on my growth and healing. I refuse to put one on it because the last time I did, it nearly killed me.

I know I'm a problem but I'm okay with that.

But maybe, you're also the problem for pushing this idea onto people who are still struggling to move forward.

So I guess, we're both the problem.

- rant from a post that pissed me off (02.25)

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intoxicated-depression · 4 years

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grief

grief is a funny thing, it hits everyone at different levels and mine is at the level of nonexistent. I should be as sad as everyone else is that you’re gone, but I’m not. at the end of the day, we were no longer friends, no longer as close as we we once were.

but I miss you.

I missed you when I had to block you to make myself feel better from your persistence. I’ve missed you when every Halloween came rolling around and I couldn’t say, “Here’s to another year of knowing one another! I love you!” I missed you on the nights that I was bored and missed our random conversations about shit.

I missed the you that I once knew.

I do not know the person you were today.

I don’t know if you ever got to accomplish all that you wanted to in life. if you finally found someone to love with all your heart. if you lived your life the exact way you promised countless times that you would. did you ever get to show the haters that you made it?

the last time we spoke, you were in drive-thru at my job and you asked me for forgiveness. I can lie now and say that when I said that you had it, I didn’t lie to you, but I did, because at the time, the memory of that night was still so fresh and prominent in my mind that I wasn’t ready to let it go.

now, you’re gone and while I’m not crushed and as devastated as everyone around me.

I’m regretful.

I wish that I could tell you that I have forgiven you, that it’s water under the bridge and that I would like to try and start over. I want to be able to hang out with you one last time and roll my eyes at your silly pick up lines because I know that you once had a crush on me. I want to go hiking with you and your sister again because that was the most fun I had since at that time I was going through a breakup but you managed to cheer me up.

I want more time. I still can’t wrap my head around this, that you’re gone. you’re not here anymore. you’re not just a message away from reconciliation, and I’m never going to bump into you on the streets. this is real and I regret so much.

so maybe I’m wrong.

maybe my grief isn’t nonexistent. maybe I’m at the level which has me filled with regret for not fixing our friendship sooner or hitting you up when you told me too before you left from the drive-thru window that day.

I wish that I had talked it out with you but now that’s all it’ll ever be.

you’re gone and while I won’t mourn you aloud or let anyone in on this, I’ll mourn you in silence because that’s what I do best. I’ll remember the good times and lock away the bad times, because you deserve that much.

I miss you. I love you. goodbye.

- my status to you that I’ll never show Facebook.

#grief/mourning #rest in peace

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intoxicated-depression · 5 years

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raw

I never understood how raw something could feel until I was there.

I've heard stories about attacks. Whether they be; panic attacks, anxiety attacks, physical attacks, sexual attacks.

But you never understand how raw something can be until you've been there.

On January 28, around 3 o'clock in the morning, I made a dumb choice. A friend of mine, I'll call him Tito, messaged me and I was drained from interaction at my friend's birthday party. I'm antisocial.

He said that he saw that I was active and wanted to see how I was doing. It seemed harmless enough. We chatted and then, he wanted to hang out. At 3 in the morning. Now it rang red alarms and I hesitated. He saw that I did and he used it against me.

"If not then that's cool, I just wanted to get some slushies with you."

It seems harmless right?

It wasn't.

It didn't take long before the red lights were flashing in my head and I was screaming to go home(in my head). We bought slushies and instead of driving back over the bridge towards home, he went to his place.

He parked and then I pretended to be on my phone. We talked but I would focus on my phone.

Then after a bit of chatting, him complimenting me and thanking me for helping him graduate school. (I did all his online work).

He kissed me. I pushed away and told him no but he did it again.

I repeatedly said "Tito we shouldn't do this, I have to go home." While pushing him away.

Maybe the fear in my voice wasn't thick enough. Maybe my wandering eyes that were looking anywhere but him, wasn't obvious enough.

I never understood how raw something could feel until I was there.

I can still hear his breathing sometimes when I close my eyes. I can still feel his hands on me as he's telling me to go with the flow. And I can definitely still remember it like it was yesterday.

It's a terrifying feeling to feel like you're not in control. It was like I couldn't breathe right, it was like fear had swum inside me and wrapped my brain in it's arms.

I was afraid, no terrified because the fear in my voice wasn't thick enough. Because me begging him with my eyes to stop when he did look at me, wasn't enough. Because me squirming and reminding him that my brother was waiting for me, wasn't enough.

I want to say it ended quick but I don't know. It felt like forever until he finally sighed and got off me.

He couldn't get off. He was the only one naked and I was fully dressed, so he couldn't get off.

He apologized because he felt like a pig and although I said it was okay, it wasn't.

I was afraid.

And after he took me home, I blocked him and cried myself to sleep.

I never understood how raw something could feel until I was there.

And god, I never want to go back.

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intoxicated-depression · 5 years

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the story of lies

I spin a tale of lies. I lie to avoid confrontation because confrontation means fighting. I hate fighting though. Especially with you.

I have a story to tell, A story of lies that I have created to protect our relationship.

Pathetic really. Shouldn't our relationship be strong enough to handle this? Shouldn't I trust you enough not to snap at me?

Truth is, no.

Our relationship is weak because we're afraid of losing one another that we hide and keep things to ourselves.

I do trust you, but I also have my doubts because your words never match with your actions all the time.

I have a story to tell, A story of lies that I have created to protect our relationship.

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intoxicated-depression · 5 years

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always and forever

I have been saying the phrase, "always and forever" for as long as I could remember.

It started in the eighth grade when I had met some of my best friends, I had become so invested in our friendship that I was positive that it would last forever. I made a promise to them, a promise of always and forever. That I would always be there and that I'd be by there side, forever.

The phrase meant a lot to me. (I think I got it from The Vampire Diaries because I remember as a 10-year-old when it came out, I was in love with it.)

I didn't realize how toxic the phrase had become until everything hurt me. I was so invested in my promise of always and forever that I was blind to the pain it brought me. I was more worried about my best friends than I was myself. It wasn't healthy but I loved my friends, they were like family, and if they asked me to jump then I would ask how high.

Always and forever.

It's something that I still promise now but I know my boundaries, I know my limits, and how far I can push myself.

I still promise limited people always and forever but when I do, it's something that I plan to take to the grave.

#always and forever #midnight thoughts

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intoxicated-depression · 5 years

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The person I reblogged this from deserves to be happy

I tried to scroll past this. I really did

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intoxicated-depression · 5 years

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"I'm a very toxic person. there is no doubt in my mind that I'm the most toxic person anyone will meet. my depression rules my life, I take everything to heart, my anxiety is so bad that I assume the worst of everyone when there's a slight change, and my PTSD, oh hope my PTSD keeps me away from social interaction. I'm a toxic person and I don't really care anymore."

— amm

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