intovastji-blog

[intovastji-blog]

The First

It's a quite funny thing that I start a blog without anyone else knowing what I'm doing. Why I'm doing this? Because the idea behind this blog isn't revealed for my closest buddies and they're probably the first one who'll reading this. But before I talk about my plans I wanna introduce myself:

Hi. My name is Jiline, I'm 20 years old and a student at the uni of Cologne for English Studies and Media&Cultural Science. And my life sucks.

Not 'sucks' in term of really sucks but it's still a mess. I'm a mess. And therefore I got the glorious idea to bunk and catch up some things I thought of for a while now.

Yea. Right now I'm sitting in ma shared flat room without a clue and the only thing I know is that I wanna travel the world. Sounds wild? It is.

To be honest with you guys I don't even know why exactly I have to go (or moreover what I expect) but thinking about it pins a grin on my face and I think that's reason enough to make it happen.

Okay, it's a lie. I'm actually sitting next to ma flat mate buddy making her curious about what I'm writing. Cause she, as well as most other people I know, don't know about my plans up to this point. And that's why I'm going to tell her and ma best friend next week which is kinda funny cause right now they think that we'll move in a bigger flat together during the next month. Okay, maybe it won't be that funny for them when they hear that this won't happen. A lot of things we planned won't happen. And the mean thing is that I'm not sorry for that cause I'm an egoistic ass head but they know me and in some way they'll understand. I'm sure.

Okay, change of subjects. Where did my plans came from?

My glorious idea was born on Friday morning this week. On Thursday I was at my parents and my mom and I had a fight about my depression (got diagnosed with it a few weeks ago) later that night so I went into my room quite pissed and stood up til 4am. The next morning I took her to task and told her a little (or a lot) about me and my illness. I guess she also felt guilty about her behavior the other night and maybe that was the reason why she gave that specific answer.

We talked about my struggles with life and how I think way too much about future and so on. And there I sat in the kitchen and told her that I envy all those guys who took a year off after school to travel and grow their minds. I told her that I envy them because I thought that leaving for a few month would have been a better idea than starting uni right after school like I did. And without turning a hair she replied: “Well, if that's what you think then go. There is nothing holding you back.”

I was surprised but moreover I got really excited after revealing that I'd love to go to Japan and she said that I shall go for it, that I shall go for my very own therapy (yep, that's exactly what she said).

Now, two days later I'm sitting in ma kitchen with over 50 pins on Pinterest for Japan, New Zealand, Mongolia, Alaska and Canada (sorry Japan, you're not the only one). There is so much I wanna see and I'm fucking excited to really take the chance (and change).

It's something I realized the last two days. To explain my situation, the last weeks have been heavy. That's not very special due to the fact that many young people struggle with their life or moreover with the question how they wanna spend it. It still drove me nuts to be at my mind's mercy in this case (thanks depression) but after that discussion with my mom, when I was on the train back to Cologne and felt a little scared about what I decided earlier I also had to smile. That's the smile I was talking about earlier. The smile that keeps me going. The smile that tells me “Girl, you'll go and leave the fuck behind”. What 'the fuck' is? Everything and nothing at the very same time or in other words, the reason why I have a problem. Of course, I thought about my friends and all the people I leave behind for a second but what I also realized was that I'm the one who has to stand the shit that's going on inside my head so why shouldn't I be the one deciding how to deal with it? Before I'm going so far that I wanna throw away my life I wanna spend it the way I'd like to. Living like my time is limited cause it could be - for my own sake.  That's why I should start to do what I want now. I feel like I need to sort my mind but I kinda know that staying and trying to go on with my life the way I live it now won't be a solution. And that's why I need to go. And that's also why I start this blog. Causes I guess there are plenty people like me who would like to know how it is to bunk. And because I wanna find it out for myself now I offer you the chance to join me. From now til I'm on the plane saying yes to life's suggestion to surprise me. And maybe also til I'm back.

Today is Tuesday. The actual reason why I hate blogs and so on is that I'm never able to post something on time – which is a problem when you wanna talk about your current thoughts, your current situation. But right now I don't care. I'll make this very first entry a summary of the last few days. Yesterday I bought a note book for organization and ideas for my journey. Okay, I actually picked up two even if I don't know how I could use the other one.

The thing I found out today is that people really don't take you honest when you talk about your plans to bunk and that makes me kinda angry for some reason. I mean it's not like you don't have to overcome to tell someone your genuine thoughts, to explain that you wanna change something for the better for yourself. And all that could be fucked by the words of a person who don't know you and really don't care for you. That's crap, isn't it? I think those people are always kinda poisonous and destroy your positivity. That's why I wish I wouldn't have told it to those ass heads yet but shit happens and it won't hold me back.  

Yeah. Telling it to other people. Tomorrow I'm gonna tell it to my best friend and my flat mate. They cannot stop me, no matter what they say but I'm still curious what they'll think about it. Those guys are very close to me. Guess it will be a weird experience. But hey, at least I got tumblr for it (they tried to force me for ours to get it) so I hope you guys are happy now.

Well, guess I'll post this stuff now and then I'll check up some info about my plans.Or just grab some food and enjoy my evening.

See u,

Ji