intangibleromance

[intangibleromance]

My Gram passed away this morning. It wasn't sudden or unexpected but it still hurts to think about never being able to see or talk with her again. She was the matriarch of our family and she held the title so well.

5 children

17 grandchildren

22 great grandchildren

She was amazing. She always made sure each child felt loved and cared for. She created a special bond with each of us and I'm forever grateful for my time with her.

I think about the holidays and it makes me cry...I think about my mother and her pain right now and it makes me cry. I want to be there for her so badly today but my schedule just simply won't allow it. I need to make time for her during her time of grief...

I am really going to miss her smile and her stories about us kids when we were little. I didn't get enough time with her as an adult and I regret that.

Back in 2009 she let me stay with her for about 6 months while I was working at a place near her home. That was so generous of her and kind. O will always cherish those times with her, the breakfast and the dinners she would make me. How she listened to me cry about guys and comforted me no matter what. She always had my back and I will never be able to thank her enough for her unconditional love and support.

I may have lost someone who was always in my corner but heaven gained another angel today and they are blessed to have her.

Rest in peace Gram (Dorothy Roberts)

I love you.

[intangibleromance]

[intangibleromance]

207.408.9243

I can't believe it has been 10 years in November since you left us. I still remember your phone number and recite it to myself often, thinking about how I wish I could just talk to you one last time. Let you know you are valuable, loved and wanted.

These past 10 years without you has been really eye opening for me. I've gone through so many changes & evolved so much as a woman. You would be so proud of me, you would really love the woman I am now. I don't believe we would be together still, although I can always hope that we would have stayed apart of each other's lives. We were always so in tune with each other and we always got along so well, in a way I can't say I've had since I've lost you. Our connection was undeniable, I truly miss it. I think about our conversations often and how much fun we always had together, no matter what.

When I think about my other past relationships I always think about the sex but with you I can't even remember what it was like, besides being in love with you. But aside from that, our connection wasn't just sexual it was so much more than that, which is why I think I can't recall a lot of our sexual times together. I remember our adventures more vividly than anything. I think that's how I know it was love and not just infatuation.

I don't talk about you enough, and I'm always afraid to say anything publicly, especially on FB because I was so shunned after your passing. Everyone disowned me and cast me aside. Not being allowed to properly say goodbye to you really broke me inside. Having everyone blame me for your death was not only horrifying to me but it was a complete nightmare. Not only did I lose you but I lost everything I knew as my life, everyone hated me and I couldn't make it right....I couldn't being you back.

I had to rebuild my entire life all over again, make new friends and redefine who I am was a person. It sounds easy, but I was a mess and cried a lot. I fell into the arms of several men as comfort. I regret that part a lot. I was so lost without you. I wished every night I could call you, come and see you. Your arms were the only ones I kept searching for and knowing I would never find.

Words can't describe how much I miss you. I will never be able to talk about this time period enough to accurately depicted how horrible and lonely it was.

10 years later and I still wish I could call you, see what you are up to just to come and chill. I wish we could watch everybody loves Raymond together again. I know you loved that show, although idk why.

As the 10 year anniversary of your death approaches I hope you are watching over me and know that I love you and miss you completely.

RIP & Love Troy.

[intangibleromance]

[intangibleromance]

Potential I never reached.

A list of things I wanted to be "when I grow up" :

- Child Therapist

- Writer

- Nutritionists

- Detective

- Social Worker

-psychologist

I feel like I've never reached my potential. A lot of that has to do with my up bringing. I don't think I was ever encouraged to do better... I was never told I was good at anything. Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I needed to be told. I suppose that as a child feeling like you are good at something, being told you are good at it, is a confidence booster. I can see a lot of my bad choices now that I'm older. Mu low self esteem has been the driver to my bad life choices for a really long time. I really could have used a strong adult role model standing behind me, telling me I could do it. That I was good enough, that I had talent. I can remember once, my mother, telling me she loved reading my poems. I was in my sophomore year of high school. I recall really loving to sit alone and write out my thoughts. We had an assignment in class to write a short autobiography. I was mortified. There was no way I wanted to write about myself, let alone my life that I was so ashamed of. My father was a big dark shape over my family my entire life. Knowing I would have to read this autobiography aloud in front of my class, I felt so much anxiety. I didn't want anyone to know anything about me, I was so scared of letting anyone in. I asked my teacher if I could just write poems instead, she said that would be fine. Once I decided on a poem I liked enough I presented it to her, and she told me it didnt make sense and I needed to fix it. I felt dumb. I felt like she didn't understand the concept of the poem. I never changed it. When it came to reading out loud to the class, I had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of reading. I was sweating and burst out in tears because I couldn't handle everyone looking at me. I felt like I was being judged and I was so scared. I was so misunderstood in school... I wish I could go back now and talk with those teachers and express to them what was going on with me. Instead I just dropped out. I left and never went back. It started with skipping school and ditching early, no one ever stopped me. They would call my mom, shr would be upset but never stopped me. I don't really kbow what she could have done that point. The damage to my self esteem was already done.

I regret dropping out all the time. I know I could be better , I know I should be further in my life but my anxiety has never let me reach my potential. I can't eve express muself correctly to the people around me. I come across as cold and short. When inside I'm really falling apart with anxiety of wanting people to like me and not knowing how to achieve that. Wanting friends but not knowing how to make them, not knowing how to reach out. I've been so lost for so long , I'm not entirely sure how I will ever get better.

I have a son now, 4 months old. All I keep thinking is how I need to be better for him, I need to be okay for him. I meed to accomplish SOMETHING for him. I fear I am a failure, I'm not sure where to start. I don't know what I'm good at.

[intangibleromance]

Hi.

[intangibleromance]

Actually my life.

#pizza

[intangibleromance]

Daddy issues.

It's so weird when I look at photos of my father, I know it's my dad but the feelings aren't there. He has hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has or could. Even when he is being kind, I always assume it is hime being a phony. He has never been there for me, or for my siblings...and a part of me feels guilty because they can have a relationship with him but I can't. I can't trust him, and I can't seem to get over that. It could be because I spent a few years of my adult life living with him, getting to know the real person that he is. It was a really rough time in my,life, and in his life. Resulting in me getting a restraining order...on my own father. I know it sounds so shitty, but it felt worse than it sounds. It was so hard for me emotionally... Knowing I koved to dover to live with him and my mother, and suddenly he kicked me out of the apartment because he was having marital problems... He literally didn't care what happened to me. He threatened my life, he destroyed my personal belonging, (all in a drunken rage...) He tried jumping me and attacking me outside my place of employment - resulting in me losing my job. He would harass me every night he was drunk, flooding my phone with text messages about how much I suck and how he hated me and my boy friend, it was our fault his wife wanted to leave him. He was in so much denial, he couldn't even see that it was his drinking that was the problem. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of something I couldn't get out of. I would lock myself in my room in hopes he would just leave me alone... I was scared to come home after work because I was afraid he would be awake and drunk and angry... He lied to his whole family about me. Told them (my aunts and my GRANDMOTHER) that I attatcked him, that I hurt him and that I was the reason his marriage failed. He was so unwilling to look at himself, to see what he did...to take ownership of his actions that he lied to them about me. Made them dislike me and even literally shun me at my sister in laws baby shower. My own grandmother wouldn't even hug me.... I cant begin to express the pain I felt and how horrible it felt knowing that they felt that way because of a lie. Because he was so immature he couldnt be honest about what HE did to ME.

**deep breath**

It took a lot for me to move to NH and live with him and my mother. I mostly went because of her, and in the end....she was never there. And it became a very scary situation.

My childhood memories of my father don't get any better. His addictions have always been a problem and have always made a mess of my families lives. He sexually abused me for years, and molested my sister. I never understood that his behavior was wrong, because he was my dad and I was little. I knew it made me feel uncomfortable and I knew it made me feel weird...but he was my dad, so I thought that is what it was suppose to be like. I can't imagine what happened to Amanda, and I think about it all the time. Her inability to even speak about it, lets me know it was really bad and probably VERY traumatizing to her. How she can hug him or look him in the face wuthout ever receiving an honest apology, I don't get. He has NEVER fully admitted what he did, he will drunkenly rage about it, and about how it was so long ago and I should get over it and he made a mistake. Never truly understanding the IMPACT he had on my development, my emotional well being. In not even sure I fully get it yet, but I know how I am, is based a lot,on that relationship I had with him. It is really hard to be around him. A lot of the time I'm pretty sure he doesnt care at all about me. There hacr been MANY times he has wished death upon me, told me he hated me... Probably because I'm the only one of his kids that still holds him accountable. It really hurt me a lot, and I am so self aware and I analyze myself so much that I cant help but realize a lot,of my,issues in relationships come back to him and how he has treated me. That gives me hope that someday I will be able to get over this, someday I won't need him to apologize or take ownership.

So there I was, 31 years old... 4 montha pregnant. Emotional, and reflecting on my life. Planning my baby shower, thinking about the next steps in my life. And it dawned on me that my entire life I spent trying to make sure George was happy. I lied to me consouler, I hid from my family...I allowed his behavior to damage me so deeply that every time he hurt me I would sit and feel bad for him.... That is so messed up and I realized that he was manipulating me into feeling that way. He would always talk about how horrible his life was and cry, but how come he didnt care about how horrible he was making my life?

The last straw for me, was him lying to me about me. Soubds fucked up, because it was. He tried telling me that I attavked him and that I know I did, and that I shouldnt feel bad but that he was over it. Like....Wtf. I told him j waznt inviting his family to my baby shower and he lost it, intold him I would only invite them if he told the truth. He replied to that with calling me a bunch of names, blocking me on social media and proclaiming that I no longer have a father. I cried for a long time about all of this, that I don't think I can cry about him anymore.... Bottom line is that I do not trust him to not hurt me. I dont trust him with my emotions any longer..

**deep breath**

Someday I will be okay. One day at a time. One writing at a time.

#metoo

[intangibleromance]

Being a new mom has so many ups and downs.

The upside, I love Isaiah...more than I can even express,

The downside, it feeds my anxiety. I'm so scared of fucking this up.

#newmom

[intangibleromance]

Try not to cry over spilt beer

i don't know why I am like this. Or really...I do know why, but it is so complicated. It is as if my personality is actually layers up in layers or pain and experience. Things I never talk about. Instead I push people away from me, I know I've changed. Those experiences hurt me so deeply that they actually changed my DNA, I swear. I used to be so extrovert, and now....well...I'm so afraid of any one else knowing me I stay to myself. I barely even talk with anyone. I never reach out, I never call back, I never try. I've become introvert, and it makes me cry. I have been struggling with trying to get out of my own head, but those nagging thoughts/feelings are always there. Wondering what the persons intentions with me are, do they really like me...do I even have anything interesting to say?

Anxiety is a cold relentless bitch.

It literally, eats me alive inside. I spend hours anticipating social gatherings. Anticipation of fear, I fear that I will look dumb or say something that will give away that I don't belong. ALL OF WHICH IS INSIDE MY HEAD. I realize none of it is true, but I can't seem to control how it is controling me. I hate even being at work, ive been there almost 4 years and I still don't feel comfortable there. No one really knows me, and I have no "work friends"....no one that I turn to to talk with, no one that cares if I show up or not. They all just talk shit about me, like I don't hear it. I just want to scream that I'm not okay sometimes, that I'm actually really sensitive and that's why I put up a wall....that's why I don't want anyone to get close to me, thats why I never talk about myself. I'm really, very sensitive. I leave work feeling anxious almost every time, re playing conversations to myself, wondering if I even belong there. I don't think I do.

I'm such an emotional mess.

I'm the person that ALL of my friends turn to, to vent to. That all the time I listen to their problems, their drama... And not once does anyone ask how I am. Ask if I'm doing okay, ask about my life. I sit , I listen and I help them thru their issues. Never once trying to talk about myself. I keep thinking that some day I will meet someone that is like me, and we will be so happy as friends and be able to chat for hours...but I know that wont happen, because I dont vent to people, and neither would that person. We will never become friends because we are too busy helping everyone else thru their shit.

For the record, I'm not okay, not all the time...sometimes I have good days. But a lot of the time I'm filled with worry, and endless emotions that I don't even know the names of.

This is all the repercussions of abuse. Being abused since childhood...and now I'm a fucked up 31 year old that cant even make friends because I'm too worried about expressing myself. Too worried about people knowing me .... I hate being that downer... But SERIOUSLY...my life has been one big fucking drain , a never ending downer. My kife story so far is filled with mental, emotional and physical abuse that has ruined my soul , or at the very least bruised it like a hematoma.

That's why I made a new Tumblr. So I could write this all down, before I go completely insane. I know no one will take the time to read my entries anyhow. So I know I'm safe here.