insideoreoshack

[insideoreoshack]

5.28.2024

its been so mentally rough since ive been out the gym i feel like i have no routine anymore it sucks seriously first week of june im making sure i go back st least 3 days a week i cant keep doing this like seriously i feel so disgusted with myself and my body constantly its the worst

i just wanna feel pretty and skinny and sometimes i forget feel pretty but other times i just feel like im always the biggest person in the room and it sucks so bad like i dont want huge arms or this tummy and im just so afraid of losing my ass fr fr like i dont know whats up with my brain and my body dysmorphia has really been dysmorphin fr fr

lol its after work now and ofc im somehow in trouble at home bc i cant do anything for myself like i dont understand how there’s no privacy and my mom knows exactly how to hurt me when commenting on my decisions so im currently fighting so hard to have it be reversed which lord i pray it will be reversed. shes severely disappointed and shocked snd doesnt want it to be a problem meanwhile im stressed and anxious so much recently theres literally no escaping my brain unfortunately and thats something my mother will never understand nor try to, all she does do is make me feel ashamed of myself and worsen my anxiety about living. i try so hard to make her proud and try to make her happy but i really do believe nothing is enough in that house no matter what i do and i so wish i didnt care but god i fucking do so much.

i dont know how much tears i can hold back anymore they keep trying to spill out and only a few shed today but i hope it just doesnt happen around harry like i really dont want that bc its too vulnerable and i woukdnt even know whrre to begin explaining this i just wanna try and be normal for him

[insideoreoshack]

5.26.2024

no bc its crazy how fast a morning can be ruined by my mom like im just sitting there recovered from last night and just trying to have s good day and she comes in talking about creamer that my dad bought and she doesnt like that its zero sugar but its all thr store had so he didnt think it makes a difference and i dont think it did either but that somehow leads to her telling me that im eating too much and i need to stop baking bc its too many calories like thats why i stopped baking and making shit in the first place and then she says no one ever makes anything in the house like girl i fucking wonder why. all you do is judge your children and then wonder why i wanna stay by myself like huh its a crazy thought. maybe im being sensitive idk but it just felt so unnecessary to say especially while someone is eating breakfast like if i just stopped eating and went downstairs it would have been a problem but i couldn’t do that bc i still have to go out with them rn and if i did that id be the bad person who always has an attitude and talks too hard to them and blah blah blah so i pick and choose my battles and just let my feelings get steamrolled for the sake of keeping what they perceive as peace

[insideoreoshack]

5.25.2024

trying not to cry myself to sleep bc i just feel overwhelmed snd so insecure like why do i feel like im never good enough. i feel im too big to deserve my bf even though he likes me and i know he does, he never makes me question that but sometimes i just think im not pretty enough to be his and just generally feel like im not smart enough. my parents make me feel so weird and insecure too they make comments when im the only one doing the problem solving and trying to help fix situations yet carriema gets praise and just roams through her life in this house without a second thought i mean my parents messed ip room snd evening and they just dont care snd if i dont fix it tomorrow morning im never gonna hesr the end of it. tomorrow i have to go back out with them and im dreading that tbh but what can i do i guess

i try to be normal and myself but its weird to feel so pretty and ugly at the same time. hopefully dieting will be working and i go back to the gym soon to really move things along i wanna go back starting starting in june fr to retro but sometimes i wish i was unemployed or had more freedom in my schedule to just go but i do not have that luxury unfortunately.

my head hurts from all these thoughts and i just wish i was skinnier like a slim thick baddie or something and irs crazy that things are so good in ny life rn and i can be so happy but still so insecure about the same things i always have been

[insideoreoshack]

5.24.2024

idk why eating is so hard recently i csnt understand why its constantly back and forth in my head about wanting to eat bc i need to and just being disgustef by it i dunno i wish i could be normal lmao

[insideoreoshack]

nah and binging for dinner as a result of it is wild tbh like 3 pc of buffalo wings 2 mozzarella sticks a tennis roll with cheese and two slices of cheese pizza i- …

and i fully plan on eating some mango after like i just want young sheldon and to devour i guess (i will feel bad about it tomorrow probably)

5.07.2024

nah see sometimes i wonder what my parents would do without me bc carriema is really useless man i dont understand how she can see our dad in pain and our mom worried or stressed and not have any empathy it just kills my mood and irks me a little like how can you sit there and be more worried about stupid things and stuff that does not even matter over our parents well being like girl no one cares about cheese and pizza and other shit when our dad is wincing in pain. it cant even be humor to cope or distract shes just blatantly useless and an irrelevant ass idiotic person like she cant think for herself for anything and is the most self centered person i think i have ever come across. shed only get anxious if a hospital was involved. im so tired of getting no recognition or appreciation and when she does the bare minimum it’s celebrated. she was home all day and did nothing to help at all and i get home suddenly theres a shit load for me to help my mom with or do and she just waltzes out of her room without a care in the world like god forbid anything happens to our parents i dont know what she would do at all but theyre so reliant on me to have it all figured out it scares me sometimes. but anyway leftovers for dinner are gonna shlap hard

[insideoreoshack]

5.07.2024

nah see sometimes i wonder what my parents would do without me bc carriema is really useless man i dont understand how she can see our dad in pain and our mom worried or stressed and not have any empathy it just kills my mood and irks me a little like how can you sit there and be more worried about stupid things and stuff that does not even matter over our parents well being like girl no one cares about cheese and pizza and other shit when our dad is wincing in pain. it cant even be humor to cope or distract shes just blatantly useless and an irrelevant ass idiotic person like she cant think for herself for anything and is the most self centered person i think i have ever come across. shed only get anxious if a hospital was involved. im so tired of getting no recognition or appreciation and when she does the bare minimum it’s celebrated. she was home all day and did nothing to help at all and i get home suddenly theres a shit load for me to help my mom with or do and she just waltzes out of her room without a care in the world like god forbid anything happens to our parents i dont know what she would do at all but theyre so reliant on me to have it all figured out it scares me sometimes. but anyway leftovers for dinner are gonna shlap hard

[insideoreoshack]

5.07.2024

random and happy entry bc im alone going home but i just still cant wrap my head around harry being my boyfriend like its so so surreal. its like the best transition ever like friends to lovers arc is so real rn and im eating it up. like i think the best of this man and he just keeps getting better everyday i didnt think that was possible ever but somehow he proves me wrong without even trying. the guy ive liked for so long is just mine now??? thats CRAZY like i remember pulling topics out of my ass when messaging him so early on in the friendship just to keep talking to him snd wanting to get to know him and for some reason he always felt so out of reach but now hes just not and so far his family likes me. its so toxic to think that im waiting for him to tell me hes joking but thats trauma and insecurities screaming at me when i know he likes me and i very much like him and i should enjoy that hes just mine and boy do i enjoy it and every bit of him and his presence. okay rant over ima simp for my boyfriend and i love it here hes mine forever at last (his only escape is death and god forbid that)

adding this later now that im home but oh my god sometimes i just lay around and think about how pretty he is too like his smile actually makes my hesrt skip a beat and i love his eyes so much theyre such a beautiful bright brown i could actually stare into them forever if hed let me

[insideoreoshack]

4.16.2024

today immediately became my favorite day!! im his girlfriend finallyyyy :)) words cannot express how happy i am actually

[insideoreoshack]

3.27.2024

this might be my first positive post on her but im just thinking about how my battles with depressive episodes and how far i have come and grown and i am just so so proud of myself. things in my life are so good right now and i justcfeel so content and god bless everything and everyone in my life. i am so happy these days i feel peace.

[insideoreoshack]

3.21.2024

HARrY KISSED ME TODAYYY HEHEHEHEH

[insideoreoshack]

2.21.2024

things are getting rough again. before i rant fully i just feel so so so insecure? like i hate how heavy i am i wish i was skinnier and yes i do want it faster. i want my stomach to be flatter im tired of all these rolls and double chins i wanna feel petite. one day i will be and i know that but god i wish i could lose that first 10 already. and liking someone who’s been my friend for years i mean holding their hand and getting to lay with them like it isnt fair that they wont see me like that, it feels so secret and yes its fun but my brain just tells me im not good enough to be his. i know my worth for sure, im a wonderful girl i know im funny and pretty and kind hearted but im not stupid. they see the rolls and the stomach and it doesnt matter if i have nice boobs or a fat ass they cant see themselves with me and it hurts, because there will always be someone prettier or skinnier thats why she actually had a chance even though the similarities to me are so obvious shes just skinner and lighter and not as close. i can respect the friendship thing but atp it feels like an excuse after this much flirting, the flirting is only a joke anyway i cant really believe anything he says bc it probably isnt real and its less painful to think hes just joking all the time. hes never serious and he wont ever be serious about me im learning to be okay with that.

in regards to my insecurities, im avoiding mirrors again. my skin is tweaking so i need to wax my face soon again and i wish my hair was straight and just easier to deal with. i cant describe much else without wanting to hate myself but i dont? i try so hard to fix the self narrative but i dunno its hard. idont want to self deprecate or be mean to myself bc i am worthy and i am beautiful but sometimes i do not believe it.

[insideoreoshack]

2.06.2024

i wish i was loved instead of alwsys being the person who loves

i know my friends so deeply, but sometimes it feels like most of them dont know me at all. and even then not only my friends i just am so excited for whenever love decides to grant me its presence. i feel so alone recently even tho i have plans with friends. time just seems to be ticking ans im working out ans trying to get better for me and they say it will alwsys happen when you least expect it so should i just stop expecting anything? i dont know.

expect nothing.

[insideoreoshack]

2.02.2024

i cant understand why i cant ever have a hobby to myself. i discover a hobby or start exploring one and carriema just had to latch onto it and try to claim it. she took painting from me, coloring, poetry, and now this baking. like i said i wanted to bake some cookies and my dad asked her to buy raisins for me and then she just buys chocolate chips and nuts to for a batch. AND i know she was expecting me to bake it bc she literally says “ please make a few for me i bought chocolate chips” like girl i dont mind making them but fucking ask first bc now i dont wanna make anything like why does she have to get involved in everything i do? why cant i have something for myself? every hobby i have to try and develop some alone time she takes it. i cant diet alone she had to join, cant buy any protein powder she has to try. I cant try any new hair or skin care bc she gets it or i cant even try baking bc all of a sudden “she was gonna make it on her day off.” LIKE LET ME LIVE BRO LET ME HAVE SOMETHING FOR MYSELF FOR FUCKS SAKEEEEE.

[insideoreoshack]

1.31.2024

pms lonely feelings

valentines day is approaching i wish i had a boyfriend to feel special and deeply loved with. most men are disgusting. i just want princess treatment by a strong healthy stable man who actually wants me. someday soon i will be wanted by someone in that way. i am full of love regardless. it does get lonely tho. i have no one to talk to or anything like thag so it sucks. but im lonelier bc of my period approaching and like all my friends are in relationships ao they dont know how it feels i guess. such is life it will happen for me when im ready. even though i feel ready now yanno like there must be a reason why not me yet

[insideoreoshack]

1.16.2024

first entry of the new year still so frustrating with carriema. its so cold. some nights i just feel so lonely i eanna cry. i am grateful for all that i have i am rich in love and laughter and yet my brain feels so dull wven tho th days are good and all thats ahead of me is good. amongst it all i am grateful.

[insideoreoshack]

12.31.2023

the last day of the year and im stuck inside with my family and its not bad but at the same time my family is so annoying ans like to say that im in a bad mood for just sitting here like i dont get it. why would anyone think such silly rude things to say like they never have anything nice to say about the things they see or the people on tv.

theyre just so annoying snd it peeves me off. i dont know

nye always sucks im alwsys extrs depressed this day since i could remember.

i dont understand why that they always say save your money we have to go places this year they sre so bitter sometimes dude.

[insideoreoshack]

12.27.2023

this is probably gonna be my most mixed rant but getting off birth control 2 weeks ago has made me entirely fucking feral. i feel like im horny every fucking second or the day or when my day is too boring im thinking about being fucked and its so bad bc i thought i could get wet before but now its lile always a slip and slide i wish i could have someone in me fr but i cant and i wont for a long time and it sucks but i will not be masturbating until the new year i think i can do that. not even edging either! the new year starts in about 6 days technically i can do that ive been teying to get off for 4 days now and its sooo bad. i’ll see if im successful but im gonna try for real

on a side note i hate friend drama like just suck it up and be fucking cool or gtfo like i cant deal bruh ughhh