inpursuitofmeaning

[inpursuitofmeaning]

May 23rd, 2024

Im down bad. Selling up and moving to Argentina seems like the only option.Living out the rest of my days as an alpaca farmer up in the Patagonias.

Currently sat listening to arctic monkeys in my apartment, drinking black tea with honey. Things are nice. But I'm down bad.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

May 21, 2024

Hi void! I'm down bad. Broke my ankle, and down bad. That's all.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

April 25th, 2024

I saw an Instagram post that really fucked me up. I was doing well, and then all of a student single unhealed thing from the last 2 years was triggered. 1. "I don't daydream of you anymore, but I think of you when I wash my dishes." 2. " Do you tell our story fondly?" - "You were never the villain in mine." 3. " I never wished you ill. I hope you find the peace I never was" (this one fucked me up the most) 4. "In another life, we learned to talk. I was unhurt, and you healed." So here I am, sitting on my bed at 12:16 in the morning, feeling stuffed full and minorly sick from stress-eating bread and cookies all day, and all I want to do is call him. Or text him. Or know if he still thinks of me, too.

But I can't do any of those things because he wanted this, and I must respect that. Sure, I could call him, but what's really the outcome of that? I must reground myself. Let's lay out a little play-by-play of how it will go.

I will call, and he might not pick up. Then I'll be super emerased and that will lead to a whole other string of questions. "Why didn't he pick up? What's he doing right now? Is it because he's asleep? Doesn't he want to talk? Playing hard to get? Is he enjoying this? Does he hate me? Oh god, this is embarrassing, Emily. Why did you call him, ugh, stop this, look at yourself..." and then I will cry myself to sleep. Woohoo. But, if he does pick up, he may say, "Hey, what's up?" And I'll say, "Not much, you? And he will say, "Not much, how are you?" and then I'll lie and say, "im good", and he will know im lying because if I wasn't, why would I be calling him? And we might talk, and I'll embarrass myself by saying a bunch of stuff promoted by that sad Instagram post at 1 in the morning, and then he will pity me, and say something like "it's okay, you're doing great", and then ill feel guilty for putting him in a situation where he comforts me despite his own pain, creating this power dynamic and yadda yadda yadda.

That's not what I want. Plus, I can not relinquish the single sliver of power and self-dignity I have left. I have no one but myself. I am all that I have. Just me. I don't really feel like I have any true friends because I don't think myself capable of having real friends while I hate myself as much as I do. Apparently, it isn't normal to wonder if your friends hate you all the time. Maybe i should start with loving myself, or rather, becoming a person I feel is worthy of love. I have come to realize that I really am not happy with who I am as a person.

And what would be the outcome of this phone call? What is the "best" situation? We get back together? And then what? Trapped back in this endless cycle - on and off, to either be together forever or inevitably break up again? Is that really what I want? To feel this pain all over again in a few months, years, decades? Thats it. There are only 2 ways relationships can end. You are together forever, or you break up. What the fuck is up with that. Why is life so short. The bliss of love and despair of loss - those are two pretty harsh extremes to experience in our few years on this earth. Maybe I can become a monk and figure out what this "love" thing really is about. Only problem is I just don't look good in orange, and they don't drive Porsches. Let's put a pin in that one. I must re-ground. This is hard, but everyone goes through it. Things weren't perfect (although the negative memories seemed to elude me, annoyingly).

Anyways, today I learned how to say dinosaur 공룡. Hella hard. I also ordered some cool Adidas Sambas, which are objectively sick as fuck

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

April 23rd, 2024

I am sat in my apartment alone tonight. I just finished a lot of late-night work getting some data ready for another lab member. Working late as a coping mechanism. Suppose it's better than drinking? I took a shower and got ready for bed. I have experienced a strong mix of emotions today. I coped yesterday by talking to a lot of my friends, and staying up late doing work. Yesterday night was by far the worst. Crying alone in bed. Pathetic and painful. Alas I am just a girl Today, I met with Pablo in the jazz room and ate way too much chocolate. Now I am drinking water and sipping some tea. I need to take better care of myself tomorrow. No wonder I don't feel very good about myself haha. But I know I will be okay. Maybe, just not right now. Of course, I miss him. And I wonder if he misses me, too. I wonder if he is sad as well, as sad as i am. not that i want him to be sad, but i suppose it brings some twisted satisfaction to pretend that im not the only one suffering. But I can not wonder. I can't let my mind go there. We must look forward. Im sat here in my apartment with candles, a spearmint tea, a simmer pot, and some Taylor Swift. I will be okay eventually (even if I feel sick from all the sugar). Though I am lonely, I suppose in a melancholy poetic way, it's kind of nice. it is peaceful, in some ways. I do enjoy being here alone. The feeling of no pressure. However, I do feel like since I've been messaging my friends so often, I have a minor obligation to respond, which is metaphorically throwing off the emperor's groove. Something that is bothering me slightly is the amount of texting between Son and me. I'm excited to learn Korean, but talking every day feels like I am obligated to report, which feels like a bit of pressure I don't want. Especially because I really want to work on some personal growth in my own bubble right now. I have my big experiment coming up soon, that will take up a lot of time, so that could be a natural way to cease the conversation.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily #sad

[inpursuitofmeaning]

Aug 22

We broke up.

All will be okay in the end, allegedly, your honour.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 31, 2024

Just had a lovely morning walk with Hunter. Followed up with some muesli. Still anxious to look at my email from yesterday in fear of the response, but I know I must move on and let it be. 11:09. I jsut realized that I sent an email to my mother, and therefore went on my email with no fear. Isn't it strange how our perception of something is really is the only thing that makes it scary? I looked at my email care-free knowing I was sending a tax form that would benefit me, and didn't even realize I had entered my email and therefore done the thing that was scaring me. It is all in anticipation and perception. That is our reality. Speaking of reality, I am very excited for the future. I am thinking about graduating with my PhD, attending law school, becoming fluent in Korean, and living a rich life. It will happen, I am sure. Because as within, so without. As above, so below. Our reality is only limited by our beliefs. I found an excellent YouTube channel called "Accepting the Universe". In fact, ironically, I just checked his channel and his newest video is "If you are greedy for the future, you do not yet belong to yourself". Maybe I should go and watch that. 7:50 I watched another video called "Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves" and it really helped. I let myself be angry and play it over in my head (although that made me really uncomfortable) and then re-wrote the memory with how I would have liked to engage. the video mentioned that we "hurt ourselves on purpose to prove how sorry we are", which I found insightful. I did the work to pinpoint the things I did wrong, and how I would like to react next time. It comes down to the face that I want to be a strong good person who is excellent under pressure. And this interaction revolted that I was not acting as the person I want to be. It brought that to my attention, and now I am aware I can fix it. Inface, I can state in the present that I am no longer that person. All character creation, baby. I am now a person that is good under stress, I can decide who I want to be. I must shift into that identity. I am. We all get to decide who we want to be every day. And now, I am someone who is good under stress. Maybe that would be a good exercise for me - to think of myself like a video game character. Who do I want to be? And be that person. I must remember no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and that making mistakes is how we grow. I get to decide who I am, and how I respond. It's all within my control. And I must decide to be a person I can be proud of. No one is perfect, we have all done things we regret and made mistakes. no one is perfect. We have all made mistakes. That mistake does not define who I am. I am not an awful person because of that one mistake. I will balance the scales.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 30, 2024

To err is human, and today, rather unfortunately, I was very much a human (womp womp). I made a mistake. I didn't kill anyone or anything like that. In fact, it hardly has any consequences other than my own guilt, which is deserving. I called out a stranger (an employee of the karting event) on their passive aggressive comment. I didn't yell or swear or hurl insults, and tried my best to say calm, as I explained that I am more than happy to listen if I am doing something wrong, but I didn't appreciate her passive aggressive tone. I immediately felt guilty, because although I tried to stay calm, I still felt like I re-acted, instead of responding, and didn't think before I spoke. Looking back, I am probably recalling the memory with heightened adrenalin (from the race), and a human bias, making me think maybe she wasn't being passive aggressive, and rather it was me projecting my own insecurities, defensiveness, embarrassment (from spinning out) and therefore my ego. Recognizing this, I do feel rather bad about it. I brought it up after the race, and she tried to dismiss the conflict, to which I persisted. This I feel particularly bad about, so I sent an email to the karting place (in French) to try and apologize for my behaviour. Marcus Aurelius tells us the following...

"How rediculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life"

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.”

I must look as this mistake as an opportunity to grow. And reflecting on it made me realize several things about myself

I recalled I was also being defensive this morning with my partner over a small mistake. I realized that I have a tendency to get so defensive and insecure over the smallest, insignificant things. Well, I have discovered I have a bit of an obsession with having a perfect moral slate. I was raised in an environment where "being good" was what gave me my value as a human. So when I make mistakes, it is a compromise of my entire sense of self and belief system. I have been aware of this for a while, and find my reaction and ability tpo deal with small mistakes cyclical, and heavyly depenandt on my external environment. Sometimes I can forgive myself, other times not. And I find it heavily depends on who the mistake affects (affects others = I think im the devil, affects me = I can deal with the consequences)

We are human, and I will make mistakes. Life is is full of mistakes. What matters is my ability to look at it with gratitude. I made this mistake now, so that I don't make it again, when im older, and potentially in a more significant situation. Of course I still feel bad about the way I spoke to this girl. I am not a conflictive or antagonistic person, and I find I struggle to find balance between when to defend myself, and when to let it go. I was a pushover for so long, that any form of conflict makes me highly uncomfortable. Even working retail, I dont know if it helped or hindered my conflict skills, as it filled me with so much fear for people. During the conflict, this girl just said its okay it dint bother me, the kart hurt my leg I understand, I are all good let us forget" and I said "well, I understand and im sorry I dint mean to hurt your leg, but your tone was passive aggressive and I didnt appreciate it". To which she responded "I understand". Why couldn't I have just understood in the moment? Isn't that the most human thing of all? To understand? Isn't that what we all want? I could learn something from that. She handled it much better than I did. And why does THAT embarrass me? Why do I think I should be able to handle it better (better than her, better than I did??)- because I read philosophy and think alot? that does not make me a good person, just like being good at things doesnt make me a good person (re: first bullet). Why am I embarrassed - it is my ego again.

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” I feel better after sending the email. Even though I know I can't change the past, at least I can learn from this mistake, become wiser, and not do it again.

“When you start to lose your temper, remember: There’s nothing manly about rage. It’s courtesy and kindness that define a human being—and a man. That’s who possesses strength and nerves and guts, not the angry whiners. To react like that brings you closer to impassivity—and so to strength. Pain is the opposite of strength, and so is anger. Both are things we suffer from, and yield to.” To err is human, and (rather unfortunately) am a human.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily #not my proudest moment

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 28, 2024

Hope was once again hiding again today. Considered re-joining Judo after being thoroughly motivated by seeing Lee Won-hee in Physical 100. That's about all I can manage today, sorry void. There was one nice memory of the sun on my face

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 27, 2024

Rough night, rough morning. But a few happy moments shone through the day. I saw a girl with matching shoes next in line to me at Starbucks. We chatted about our matching shoes. Then I ran into Cass! I went to the gym, where I coincidentally saw David (who was working out chest)! We chatted about his Kayaking trip, and his new. mulllett.

As I was leaving the gym, I ran into Pablo! I learned he had salsa at 7 (to which I was promptly invited) and got a little lesson in the lobby, as well as a passionate and thorough explanation of his dislike for the Argentinian hand position. I then had a Korean lesson with Jamie, which was very motivating as I've been struggling to find the discipline to practise my Korean recently. It was lots of fun, and inspired me very much.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 26, 2024

Hope was hiding today.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 24, 2024

Sophie, Hunter and I went on a walk this morning. We took Oreo to the dog path. It was peaceful at first... too peaceful... suspicious. As we were walking, we were warned by a kind family that there was a very stupid family ahead who were unhappy because the cat they had let off leash... at the dog trail... had... in fact... been spoked up a tree... by a dog... What a world. We put Oreo on a leash, and as we walked past, we confirmed that this family of 3 likely shared about 2 collective brain cells. But since we are wonderful people and don't fuck with Karma, Hunter tried to climb up the tree. I can not confirm nor deny if i attempted, slipped and failed miserably). Ned, the poor cat who did not ask to be there or to be owned by such potato people, climbed higher as Hunter approached. For an aquatic specimen, Hunter did very well. He climbed back down and, without looking them in the eye, said a meagre apology, and we were once again on our merry way. Down the river, close to the banks, we saw a very very very smooth tree. Tree smooth, we said. Wish to touch the smooth tree, we thought. Go touch the tree; we did. Little did we know that, apparently, this river bank took notes from the Bolivian salt flat, and we were caked in mud. Our pants looked like a concerned Jackson Pollock. Not to worry - Hunter came up with a great technique to get the water off his boots called falling into the river. Defeated, we accepted defeat. We walked past Ned, the cat, who seemed to have climbed even higher in our absence and went back. 2km of true adventure on the gritty gravel paths of Barhaven. Afterwards, to award all of our hard work, we went to a cafe where Sophie was given a cauldron size cup Mocha, and Hunter had a sandwich with one slide of bread. I had a lemonade because I decided I wasn't already cold enough while sitting outside. Afterwards, Hunter and I came home and had a lovely evening with his family celebrating his birthday! We are now saw watching James Mays's "Our Man in Japan" while I write this post, and Hunter is prepping some Ultra-runnnig training plans for us. We had a war-time chocolate birthday cake that was probably the best thing I've ever had, paired with a wine and steak that was probably the other two best things I've ever had,

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 19 - 23, 2024

Let's just pretend these days didn't happen. Never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.

One good memory worth mentioning

Friday, March 23, 2024: Hunter, Sophie, Cass, and I watched the Eclipse. We took Lilo on a walk and had some good old shenanigans while doing so. Sophie went down a dark path to an open field. We promptly followed, and I made a sniper joke. We also played leapfrog and then finished Eclipse.

#nothing new #the life and times of emily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 18, 2024

Holy moly. What. a. day. Let's take it back to the beginning... (*Nants ingonyama bagithi baba....) Rough morning and rough evening, but there were still some small joys, which I will report now. Moment 1a: Sophie and I tried to hide inside her Ecuadorian poncho to surprise Émile. (think 2 children sneaking into the movies in a trench coat). We thought it was comical, and I think Émile secretly did, too. Except his version of saying, "Haha, you are the funniest people I've ever met," is "Emily, you are getting more strange points" in a cute little French accent. Moment 1b: We all looked up French proverbs, which were rather funny. My favourite was la nuit porte counsel. Moment 2: Hunter and I had a beautiful snowy drive back from the lab, listening to Lord Hurons' "The Night We Met" in the car after a tense day. Moment 3: After an hour of fighting the author of my Korean grammar guide, I finally understand how to conjugate 이다 in the form of (verb ㄹ/을) + 거이다, and the difference between 되다. Moment 4: I got to eat a delicious chocolate digestive in bed.

Moment 5: The parcel my gran sent me from England arrived - with a glorious art deco pin with an emerald green ribbon. I was so excited to open the parcel, mostly because it had her handwriting on it. I put the pin on my coat, and will keep it forever.

#nothing new #thelifeandtimesofemily

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 17, 2024

7:35: Sophie and I went on a walk in the Gatineaus - it was too cold and wet to be on a bike, so we decided to be cold and wet on a walk. After following the scent of campfire smoke to a cabin we couldn't enter, we trekked back to Chelsea and had a gorgeous hot chocolate (Soph got a Mocha) and yummy, overpriced sandwiches. Since we had Oreo, we sat outside and pretended to not be cold (because im very tough), and the kind barista turned on the space heater for us (he also brought the hot chocolate to my table, which made me feel special). They forgot to make Sophie's sandwich and offered a cookie for compensation (which we declined because we hate to be a bother, but instantly regretted declining).

Did some work (boring), called my dad to help me build a box (less boring), and then ate some bread (very exciting).

Pretty good day if you ask me.

Soph and I get to meet with Émile tomorrow for journal club, which is always fun - speaking of - I passed him biking on the way home yesterday. Probably insignificant to him, but it made me smile.

#the life and times of emily #nothing new

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 16, 2024

This morning, I went cycling by myself. 6 30 am, free from preying eyes, I still obeyed traffic laws. I truly am a saint. Oh - by the way - I did it! I biked across the border into Gatineau Park - just like I promised myself! It has been 2 years of avoiding that route (and granted, the new bridge opening that connects to the bike paths made it easier than it would have been in the past) - but I am still so proud. First ride out ~check-mark noise~, and did a route that scared me ~check-mark noise~. It was scary, and I was nervous, but as soon as I got to the bridge, I saw the sunset rising above Parliament, saw the reflection of pink and orange on the water, and, truth be told, was very grateful to be alive. At that moment, I felt like I could accomplish anything, including handling the problems that made my yesterday shit and dissuaded me from writing my daily log.

I look a bid disheveled in this picture for obvious reasons.

To be honest, I didn't really feel like writing about how I messed up hydrating my primers in the lab, or how I dropped some on the floor (shhh, it's a secret), or how I got really overwhelmed when learning qPCR, or how my specimens didn't even have latent viruses after all. That sounds like a good thing - and it is, I suppose - however, now I might need to pivot my entire PhD. I also did some critical thinking (for once, shocker) and realized I might not be going in the right direction with my project. I might need to object to a direction that my supervisors are pushing me, and overall am feeling really defeated. I also am unsure where to even begin studying for my committee meeting. But before we get all down about that - let's be in the moment just a little longer. I did the scary bike, and in that moment of bliss, I was at peace.

To be honest, the shit day was what gave me the courage to actually go for the ride. Instead of staying up late working, like I often do, I was so sad that I couldn't bring myself to work. Instead, I set an early alarm and distracted myself with the idea of a romantic early morning bike ride. It worked, and I feel a little calmer.

After the bike ride, Hunter, my wonderful partner, took me on such a lovely cafe date. I got a tea, and he got a hot chocolate. Everything was warm, and everything was right. And in that moment, I was very happy to be alive.

Émile, my French lab mate, and Sophie, blond Godess of the cattle, also gave me some great advice about my project.

"I also messed up making my primers today so I'm lying on the floor in my living room staring into the void" I texted them. "No void staring! The primers got what was coming to them" Sophie responded. I sent a close up of me starting at the camera "POV: Youre the void" I responded. "Qpcr sucks anyways" Émile chimed. "Agreed, made up black magic" I responded. "I'm going to go back to my farming simulator game and farm some REAL crops", I continued. [insert filler discussion between Emile, Sophie and I about the new species maybe not having viruses". "Also if this species done have latent viruses my entire PhD is à la poubelle", I complained. "You will pivot if that is the case! No worry! Forget all that before your exam", Émile assured. "Émile, you are an oracle of wisdom". I worshiped.

Then we started talking about crows, and I felt much better.

#the life and times of emily #nothing new

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 14th, 2024

11:47 PM: Absolutely atrocious. I saw a really huge black squirrel scurrying around this morning, and didn't even think to document the cosmically beautiful moment until just now. Such a pivotal plot-point deserves more air-time and linguistic prowess than I can possible craft with only 11 minutes till 00:00. Ah 0... a little late addition to the numerical systems brought to us by our friends over in Mesopotamia.

I had some meetings today, TA'd, and attempted to do some work. My idea of "work" the last few weeks has been "prepping" for my qualifying exam, which basically just means slacking off while pretending to read pompous and intellectual textbooks and papers. I have some actual real molecular tomorrow that I've put off doing, however was attempting to be productive tonight by studying for my LSAT. It was excellent, until I changed gears and did some actual work (writing a title on a powerpoint slide). Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

However, it did bring my awareness to the harsh reality really know what I am doing. For the first time in a while, my motivational flow is receding into an ebb. Alas, I must delve into my cookie jar of discipline, instead of riding the effortless gumption that prevails my ego once every few months.

I want to read some textbooks and take some notes, but I'm a little unsure where in the mountain of resources to begin. Almost a paralysis, so many options and im not even sure where to start. Dare I say, void, that you are keeping me rather grounded and sane. Ive been enjoying flexing my little brain box in ways I dont usually. Scientific writing is structures and boring, but you dont care what I write? Do you void? Meep moop zorp zup. Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram. Buy XRP.

#the life and times of emily #nothing new

[inpursuitofmeaning]

March 13th, 2024

4:02 PM Sat in Starbucks (shocker). Sandwich in my bag, hot chocolate (from home, ironically) in my belly. Emotionally draining day for reasons that I can't speak into the void, but Korean waits for no one! Currently studying some irregular verb conjugations, while people-watching outside. I saw some people sat on the university sign. They looked like they had just finished a run. I like to run too. I wish they knew that. I could tell them "hey, I like to run" and they'd said "cool, me too" and id say "want to run at a similar pace to the same meaningless bench and back sometime?" and they'd say "cool". I could make running friends.

I am proud of myself for going to the gym this morning - but I am craving a bit more. Since I retired from varsity athletics I've taken a break from being active consistently, under the guise of "I dont need to prove myself anymore" and "Im re-buildling my relationship with sport". But I still crave more.

More adventure, the gravel roads I once roamed. Truth is, I've been scared to ride into Gatneau park from Ottawa. Too nervous. Yet I say I want to bike across Africa, across the world. For the last several years it has stopped me. How am I supposed to be the metaphorical lovechild of James Bond, Indiana Jones, and Lara Croft if I can't even control my nerves enough to adventure across the boarder? Right then, as my dad would say "book your ideas up". Enough staring at the roads on google maps, studying their ever nuance. Enough checking other peoples rides on Strava and wallowing in self pity.

I am the only thing getting in my way. The city makes me nervous, and I crave the comfort of the quiet roads I know. I used to explore those on my own, trying out new routes. Why is this any different? I guess it's a little different knowing I'll see other people. Being lost on your own is one thing, but being lost with hundreds of other cyclists around you is another. Okay - it's decided. I will go this weekend. I will get up nice and early and try it out. Im scared, but now I've put this thought into the void; I can't back out because I can't let the void down! I just have to imagine that David Beckham is reading this. If David Beckham thinks I am going on a bike ride - then I have to go. I can't back out knowing David Beckham has a perception of me. Backing down is not the Mancinaun way! Thank you for listening, void. From this adventure, you might get a more interesting blog post. Right then—now that that's sorted—I have to go and do some Korean. I don't want to let down Jamie! Speaking of, she loves soccer. "Manchester?! Do you know Jesse Lingard?" she says with glee. Of course! I proclaim. He plays in Korean now!" We spoke for a third of the lesson. I booked five more lessons.

#the life and times of emily #nothing new