imnotrealenoughtohurt

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Naxolone kit in my bag at 20

For you to save you to always save you and now I can’t show any1 my real eyes cause of u

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Naxolone kit in my bag at 20

For you to save you to always save you and now I can’t show any1 my real eyes cause of u

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The Greek girl at work tells me I need a detox , a purge of some sorts

The Italian guy at work tells me I need a spliff and to discover myself

Albanian guy I met didn’t reply to my message

Romanian therapist tells me I need a first aid safety kit when I feel like I’m gonna self harm

I need an exorcism from this body of mine I swear

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patcar // chariot wish

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022

[ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃᵛᵃⁱˡᵃᵇˡᵉ]

[imnotrealenoughtohurt]

Anastasi Afanaseva

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No fr everyone always offers me rides I’m so lucky x

girls with no car are the most specialest and everyone appreciates picking them up and transporting them from place to place in their car (affirmations for girls with no car)

#besides weird guys

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🧚🏻‍♀️ this is the good luck fairy and she’s here to bless u with good luck for the rest of ur life

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being a silly girl is so important for my mental health. i must be silly or i will spiral

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He has safe people eyes I don’t know how to describe it he just has eyes that feel like they are safe

#Albanian guy I met up with where I was insane and incredibly awkward and off putting

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Remembering when I was a teenager and my mum texted my scary af ex boyfriend to sought me out and then she threw all my underwear away and said “ you don’t need any since your a whore anyway” think she was angry cause I was wearing thongs ? LMAOO so stupid and I only had £100 in my bank account and he was in Jordan and I spent like £10 on 2 packs of underwear and like £50 to stay in a hotel for the night cause she had beat me and I didn’t wanna go to my friends houses all bloodied and bruised up . My ex called me and I remember him screaming like asoon as I picked up in my ear “go home ada now” and he just kept repeating it screaming and I was fully crying on the road and thinking why does everyone want me to be inside so bad. Why is me going so bad ? If my skin is just gonna be hurt anyway

My ex didn’t want me to go live in uni accommodation he tricked me beforehand saying do your first year home and then come Jordan second year and do it online ok? But don’t go live in accommodation . He probably knew I’d find a life I’d never seen outside of all of it and disappear from him. He’d always say he’d take me away . Just wait a little longer . Don’t hang out with those friends . Stay inside . Pray to god. And wait a little longer .

Fast foward when my mum tried kill me and my sister with a knife and the neighbours has to call the police cause she thought we had the devil in us .

Remembering my sister on the bus when I told her at least we safe now when we left and she said:

“Ada no where is safe , just some places are safer than others”

& how many times my bank account went on minus to go away from that house .

Remembering Tom’s little sister telling me “uno If you wanna runaway so bad you can live with me and Tom” and he became a ghost anyway but this 17 year old making me cry at 20 because this small teenage girl was the only one that really witnessed me and knew running away didn’t mean leaving it meant escaping . She was so smart.

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Favourite movie ever since I was little

Electrick Children (Rebecca Thomas, 2012)

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“E DI: I KNOW”

We stopped getting a shower curtain by the time I turned double digits in age .

A man would film me like a movie star .

My mum would give me her pot of jelly from her hospital food tray. Eventually I’d take it without asking.

My father installed cameras in each room of the house .

My mum would cry as I would. I’d say it stings and she’d hysterically as she’d apply the sudo crème into my intimate areas of my body due to the man . She’d say sorry I know over and over again in Albanian .She thinks I don’t remember this.

The plot to the movie never made sense.

How do I tell any guy I’ve ever liked that every time we’ve kissed, I have felt like I have to bare my teeth right after ?

I started getting cavities .My dad points to the right wall on the kitchen ceiling one day and says “Ada you steal any more sweets I can see it . I have cameras installed everywhere”.

I stole a toy elephant from my class once. My mum washed it under the running tap once we arrived to the house and tried make me return it .I never did .I thought I could take care of the elephant better than the teachers that left it alone on the desk .

I can’t remember the man's face. 

E Di e Di e Di e Di e Di e di e Di e Di e Di 

Every time I have ever kissed a guy, I’m scared feathers will start falling out of my mouth .

Sorry sorry I know sorry sorry sorry I know sorry sorry sorry I know .

My first ever boyfriend in this life jokingly said once he had a camera in my room and for a very long time before bed, I’d stare at the right corner of my ceiling and think he did.

A trip to a beach in Antalya. My dad says the zoomed in pictures of those me are an accident when I grab his phone .

My teacher tells my mum at parents evening “Adela is too nice she bumped into the white board and apologised to it .” My mum still mentions this to this day.

Me and my two sisters would sleep together as kids and we had this ritual growing up every night were Ela would say : “be snug ”, Ambra would say : “be warm” and I’d say : “be snugarma “ and we’d all say together in unison : “hope your sleep is top banana! “We did this for years every night .

An Akon music video was on and I was mimicking the girls dancing seductively in the video. Ambra shouts at me to stop dancing like that. Ela says leave her alone she’s just a kid . I tell them I’m a movie star. 

Ambra eventually stopped saying : “be warm “. She would turn her back to us and switch off the light .This is when we should’ve noticed something was happening with her .

Taking food from the kitchen became stealing. We all would eat in Ela’s room that was the size of a closet. We never ate around a dinner table as a family . Ela ‘s room felt way more spacious anyway.

The gooey alien toys you get from the corner shop are so fascinating. My sister tells me if you see a mark on its back, it means the alien has gotten pregnant .

My dad shows me as a kid cctv footage on the television. He points the remote switching from room to room in the house.

Me fal me fal me fal me fal me fal me fal 

Ela threw a girl's doll in her face first time we went Albania because the girl laughed at Ambra . I said can I throw my doll at her too. Ela told me I need to keep my doll clean so I shouldn’t.

My mum would let me grab a rose from the park. I’d put the rose in a mug with water and kiss the rose and imagine the rose was a girl.

Ambra doesn’t remember anything.

My uncles use to live with us when I was a baby. My parents told me how when I was a baby one of the uncles had a specific couch he’d sit on .Every time he’d leave the house for work, I’d bow my head down and kiss the seat he had sat at.k just like a movie star

Ela grabs me and Ambra by the wrists “Say sorry to each other or else.”

I start putting my middle finger up at the right corner of every ceiling in the house.

A missing poster for a little girl is taped to a tree back in the summer of 2007 . A kid in Albania tells me I look like the type to be next. 

Half an apple slice .Every half an hour .

Guys will always grab me by my wrist and mention how small they are. I always stop myself from wanting to say sorry . I say no they not instead .

I can’t remember the man's face. 

I have this important need to know a person's favourite colour once I meet them .

I started applying Sudo creme on the toy elephant and put it under the running tap in hopes of making it feel better.

E Di e Di e Di e Di e Di e di e Di e Di e Di 

Every time I have ever kissed a guy, I’m scared Sudo creme will start leaking out of my mouth 

We had a crack in the outer part of the bath tub. We had an infestation of mice. There was a mouse I saw living in the crack and I remember feeling sorry for it for how small its hands were. My dad got exterminators and I didn’t speak to him for two days.

my older most beautiful cousin gena grabs my hand takes me to my room and tells me a story about a princess who I was shocked to find out had the same name as me. (An intentional act)She puts my hair in the loveliest hair style and I enter the living room again and get lots of compliments for my new hairstyle and my photo taken because I looked so special. That’s when I realised what it felt like to actually feel like a movie star.

It stings .

Ambra’s favourite colour is yellow. I remind her of this all the time.

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No one asked, but one of my favorite wild dove species would have to be Luzon bleeding-hearts.

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If I was a girl’s stomach I’d never hurt her

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My first love . No one knew no one will ever know

I need to delete Snapchat it keeps showing me Snapchat memories of things I don’t wanna see

Lately I’ve been going insane

Therapy keeps making me remembering things I blocked out

Blue pill to stop a stomach ache that he gave me I didn’t know what pill it was I just wanted the pain to stop

Fell asleep and he told me next morning he came on me last night & im the lightest sleeper I told him I don’t remember anything

I thought I remembered everything

Couple months before that we discussed it & I just said yea sure idm thinking he wouldn’t actually touch me in my sleep

But why did he need to give me a pill?

I don’t think I’ll be ever able to go Istanbul without having a panic attack