ihaveanewproblem

[ihaveanewproblem]

I was heading to the next town over when I saw flashy blues going the opposite way. It's the town with a proper a&e, where most of the ambulances go unless it's more serious and the town with my new gym.

I wondered if the ambulance was for him, then felt a small pang of guilt simultaneous to the hope that he'd done us all a favour

Guilt! After he made me feel shame for who I am

Guilt! After he made me feel afraid in my own home

Guilt! After he made it so I have to go out of town to be comfortable being out of my house

Guilt because he twisted my mind until it wrung out a thought like "the world would benefit from losing him"

People deserve to live, I believe this, but there is always an exception to every rule and if he did it to himself then maybe once in his life he has made the selfless choice to better the lives he has touched

I don't like thinking like this

#tw: abuse

[ihaveanewproblem]

he made an account to see what i was up to on here

...he made a second account because i blocked him after i had to get the police involved

they released him under the condition that he couldn't contact me in any way or attend my home address

all I want is to be free of him

he has taken enough from me

#tw: abuse #tw: stalking #i don't know what to do

[ihaveanewproblem]

[ihaveanewproblem]

this is my last safe place he doesn't know about this one

i'm trying to get out safely but I just feel so alone

i just want to feel free to be myself again

#i'm sad

[ihaveanewproblem]

it would be nice to think i've found a way out he would accept

a way out that would be safe

#tw: abuse #the runes told me not to... it's weird but he might accept that

[ihaveanewproblem]

i miss the open honesty of anonymity i had on main, gods, i miss it so much! i'm suffocating and he thinks it's fine to push me down and hold me back. he said he's planned our whole future together and i'm scared to ask if in this plan of his i get the things i've been pushing myself towards for the past 10 months in case that sets him off. i cry myself to sleep on the nights i'm allowed to stay at my mother's after hours on calls and messaging him so he knows i'm at home alone.

i'm scared and he thinks it's funny, that if i'm scared i may as well be terrified

#i don't know what to do #tw: abuse #i miss having a safe sapce #i hope he doesn't find this one too

[ihaveanewproblem]

this used to be a safe site where i could be me

i made it my main platform for expression

now i'm terrified to post on main

#he found my blog and i guess i'm in an abusive relationship #i didn't mean to be #i tried to leave but the threats feel so real #even if i did leave and he was okay with it if i was happy and free and lived accordingly he would make my life a misery #i don't know what to do #tw: abuse #cw: abuse