ichigolycheezakuro

[ichigolycheezakuro]

This year I have never experienced so much fear and love at once.

Perhaps they’re the same thing, really.

A love worth dissolving yourself.

A fear capable of stealing your breath.

#december18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

In this messed up way I like pushing myself to exhaustion. And I like others knowing that I do it.

Gyakuni when my boyfriend does the same thing I freak out unreasonably.

#november18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

What kind of high school bullshit is this. I am better than this. Especially in an environment like this, we need each other. All of us, together.

Yes, that means her.

And even her.

Hokkaido was an extremely selfish decision and we paid for it hard but rightly so.

One birthday date would not have changed our relationship in any significant way. A day with him is a day with him. A day without him is a day with myself. Or my friends. If this is truly going to last, there will be many more days we can be together. I should not be acting like he’s going to slip through my fingers because right now I have more faith than that.

I should not let natural disasters knock me down. I am happy, despite everything. If I take a step back, the conclusion is always that I am the happiest right now that I have ever been in my life. I have wonderful things in my life right now. I have love. God I am surrounded by so much goddamn love and because of that I can stand up through any typhoon or earthquake.

I can dance in the rain and laugh.

#september18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

do ya ever feel like the darkness is too dark. like, it’s smothering or stuffy or whatever, you can’t sleep.

#september18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

At first, I was scared of loving people, because loving people also meant opening the door for pain.

Now I have let my self love so open heartedly and I’m terrified.

So in the end, maybe there will always be fear. And if that’s the case, wouldn’t it be better if love was in it anyway?

#september18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

もおおおおおおおおおぉぉぉぉぉぉぉ

なんーでっいつもこんな感じなん 🙃

Why can’t I just calm the fuck down.

#july18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

I miss him most on rainy days.

When my body hurts and the sky is gray, when the stress is threatening 2018 with 2015 and I just want to cuddle.

I miss him most on quiet days.

When the world doesn’t spin and there aren’t any voices around me. When it’s just me.

And I don’t want it to be just.

Me.

I think I love him too much.

#july18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

Fuck. You. Computer.

#july18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

Lmao I shouldn’t be worrying if he’s dead because he got too much sleep wtf kind of ridiculous paranoia is that.

#july18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

July 2nd, 2018

なんか泣きそう。

何もできない。

why can’t i just calm down for two fucking seconds. it feels like there are waves radiating off my body, waves of screaming thoughts and anxieties and

holy shit i haven’t felt this way since 2015

do you think that it can come back? probably could, right, like once you break something it’s not going to be as strong as the original when you fix it

okay im scaring myself now

彼がほんまに大好きすぎるけど、i always feel like im the one relying on him. hes the one helping me. he has to be strong because im weak. he has to stay quiet because im loud.

and the whole concept of it is making me want to rip out my hair because im not used to being the loud one. im not used to being the sun.

im used to being the moon. the calm. the stabilizer.

i think if im allowed to be the sun, the static light that needs to be contained for fear of overcharging and flying away, ill burn too bright and too hot and ill break.

ほんとに泣きそうやばい

and why do i always feel the need to outdo him in terms of  how hard im working, in terms of how tired i am. like if he’s working harder than me he’ll think im lazy and complain too much. its my own self insecurities, isn’t it?

yokuwakaran.

there’s something in my chest that i have not felt in three years.

three years.

holy shit its been three years.

almost three years since i last cut myself.

almost three years since id restrict calories.

though if we’re being honest, ive been doing it every so often since the start of this year.

im in a really fragile place right now. i have been since the earthquake. the ground started to crack and so did i.

please just let me breathe. i don’t want to feel you anymore. three years ago, you were the first one to come, and you brought your friends. and it took me almost two years to get over you and everything you and everyone else left behind. all this self doubt. anxiety. hate. fear. depression. eating disorders. self harm. anger.

it took me three years of friends building me up. six months of a boy loving me more than i deserve. a little over nine being on my own across an entire ocean.

compared to the rest of my life, three  years isn’t very long. but ive come so far and now theres this weight in my chest and that tingle in my palms and its making me feel like i did the spring and summer of my 16th year.

ill be twenty in a little under three months.

and here we are again.

maybe it will pass tomorrow

でもきょう、もうむり

#july18

[ichigolycheezakuro]

I need somewhere to post without people asking me if im okay

#july18