iampatienty

[iampatienty]

This is my purpose in your life.

"Hopefully, we learn that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. There are no coincidental meetings and everyone has a purpose that, somewhere along the spectrum, pushes us closer to the person we’re meant to become."

This is also your purpose in my life, babe.

[iampatienty]

Dear God, Please Don’t Let Me Get Attached To What’s Not Mine

Dear God,

Please don’t let me get attached to what’s not meant for me anymore. Don’t let me get attached to something or someone that you plan on taking away from me.

I know your plan is unknown but until you reveal it to me, please make it easier. Don’t let me hold on to what I need to let go of. Don’t let me fight for what I need to release. Do not let me desire what will eventually destroy me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart.

Because I get attached easily and I hold on to things tightly, so please don’t let my mind want things that I can’t handle, don’t let my mind trick me into wanting things I don’t need or things that are not good for me. Please don’t let my heart miss people who don’t miss me. Don’t let my heart long for the ones who left. Don’t let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn’t want to stay.

Please don’t let me get attached to the things that keep me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to places I’m not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what’s meant for me, let me hold on to those who are meant to stay.

But let me forget about the things that were never meant to be, give me the faith I need to believe that I’m better off without them. Give me the wisdom I need to realize that I deserve so much better and that I’ll be happier somewhere else with somebody else.

Or just give me tolerance I need right now to be okay with not getting the things I want, with not loving the ones I wanted to love and give me the patience I need to wait for your blessings and wait for your gifts.

But for now, please don’t let me get attached to what’s wrong for me. Don’t let me invest so much in things or people I’m bound to lose. Don’t let me want what’s not mine. Don’t let me build a future around what’s temporary.

Or just please do not let me see any perfection in someone else that is enough to make me fall in love... again. :(

[iampatienty]

Your moral lesson: Love someone enough to let them go

This is the real reason why I am here. It's you. And I can't open up to anyone. Thanks Tumblr for being here with me at this kind of moments.

Let me tell you about her. Yes you heard it right. IT'S A HER AGAIN. She is very kind and loving person. She is full of love. No doubt. I felt it. Very caring, beautiful and sexy. She has negative sides too. Kinda egoistic, short-tempered and etc. But today, she finally slipped through my hands.

I met her in my previous company last 2017. She is actually a He. She is a crossdresser and looks like a man. He is handsome tbh *kilig*. I like her style. I added her in facebook and liked all of her post *stalkeeeer*. We got to know each other better January 2018. We were so close! And she fell in love with me. I am very hesitant. You should know why. Blame Patient X. Crazy things happened before we end up being in a relationship. March 24, 2018. It ended May 2018. Why so fast? I can no longer stand it. She is still connected to her 9 years ex girlfriend. I gave her full disclaimer before giving her a 'YES' when she asked me if she want me to be her girlfriend. 'All out ako magmahal. Lalo na pag same sex. Iba kasi.' those were the exact words. And I was killed by that love. Too much love can kill you indeed. I gave up. So fast. I might harmed myself if I continued because I can no longer that much pain.

Fast forward, we never parted ways. We labeled ourselves with 'no label relationship' we just love each other no strings attached. It was actually better. We travelled different places, get to know each other even better. I actually turned her to a lady! She is now way beautiful than I am. I helped her to get through her hardest days. She got terminated and had complicated family problems. I stayed by her side. She was also there for me whenever I have problems. We had so many happy memories that will stay forever in my mind especially my heart. A bit of friends with benefits because we do that. Yuh, we did it a lot of times. And I feel that this isn't right. I felt that I was falling out. I told her that a bit late. Why? I dont know. I just cant find the right moment and strong guts to do it. She was hurt. And I told her that I was actually preparing her. I want to have a baby and other dreams. There will be one day that I have to leave her. What bothers me most, I grew up to a very religious family. What we do is against my core beliefs. I have to act to stop it. But it didn't end there.

We establishes ourselves as bffs/bestfriends. However, this doesn't worked still. She loves me and we are doing the sex thing still. I don't know. We had so many fights. Main problems is me being so indecisive. Especially when I asked her if she can be my girlfriend. I don't know I was looking at her that time, she is really pretty. I uttered those word and I was also surprised. I told her it was a joke. She got hurt. She wanted those words from me so badly. I cannot blame her. I was so stupid for doing that. You know Im trying to keep our good relationship by putting boundaries but it seems doesnt work.

Now she got a guy from a dating app and he is from US. I know. I know she likes him. I think she fell for him already. And this is what I actually wished for. But it feels strange. Why am I hurt? Why am I hurt with all of her bestfriends saying about me? Why? What the hell is wrong with you, Sarah? It drives me crazy tbh.

We had a talk hours ago. I was distant to her these past few days. Why? I just realized. I am incapable of loving anyone or anything. All I do is to hurt her. I tend to give so much mixed signals. I finally decided to be firm with our boundaries. She told me that she missed me. She kissed me in my shoulders. That comforted me because I was crying secretly for how many days. I told her of my decision. She is okay with it. I asked her if she liked the guys. A moment of silence and she told that the guy is kind but she is not yet into him. As a psychology graduate, I should know what that means. A possibility that she might fell for him and she still wants me to be her bestfriend. And stay beside her....

Even it it kills me.

I suddenly realized. I love her. I still love her. I did fell out of love. But showed mixed signals. I finally understood myself now. Kailangan ba talaga may maging iba cya para maintindihan ko to?

I am not playing with her heart. Thats what her friends is telling her. Why would I play someone's heart? What would I get out of it? Me being by her side with all her emotional financial and other problems is just to play with her heart? No. I really disagree to this.

I do love her. I never fell out of love. My heart tells me I love her but my mind and my core beliefs are against to it. Combined with lack of self control resulted to me being indecisive. My mind is making my heart believe that the feelings are gone. I was wrong. It was suppressed. This turned out to be being hot and cold with her. I cuddle with her and do romantic things when my heart is elated. I push her away and make her feel unloved when my brain is in control.

War between two organs inside you is the greatest destroyer of sanity. To be honest, i know that my heart will never win this battle. Because my love for her doesn't have a courage to fight for her till the end. This love is not enough to bend my beliefs. This love is not enough to make her happy. It hurts like hell that she is falling for someone else right before my eyes.

But there is nothing I can do but to be happy on what she is experiencing now. I got to learn love her enough to let her go.

[iampatienty]

Patient X

How are you?

[iampatienty]

Bullsh*t!!!!!!!

[iampatienty]

It's been 4 years!

Gahd. My last post was 4 years ago.. Is the only time that I can remember that I have this tumblr account when there is a major trauma in my life? Hmmm.. seems I should have wished not to have a tumblr account. Anyways, the last post was bullshit. No. Stepdad isn't good to me. He harassed me when I was young and mom is away. Rapist! I was able to share this with someone else last 2016. I told this to my mom when I had a breakdown. Guess what? She didn't believed me. Poor me. But I forgave mom bout that, maybe she just couldn't accept the fact that this happened when she is away and she can no longer do anything about it. I moved to my grandma's house and stayed there for 2 good years. I was happy. Finally I experienced freedom from being paranoid everytime I take shower and whenever only that pervert and I were alone at house. You might be asking 'How did I managed to keep all of this pain up until 2016?' Well I did the best revenge. I badly want to kill him! I let him work hard to get me to school and now he is not getting any penny from me. I think that's fair enough. He struggled so I can finish college and received no acknowledgement from me. Clap! Clap! Clap! You might be wondering, 'S*****, why do you think its the best?' My mom is incapable.of sending us to school as she got pregnant and she can no longer go to abroad. If I told mom that time I will not be able to go to school assuming she will be leaving him. ASSUMING. Oh well this is where I'm very good at. So that's it.

[iampatienty]

From SHT to SCHA

Hi. I am S**** Hermosura Tahir. Now, my name is S**** C****** Hermosura A*****. Well, that's how powerful the money is. It can change your name, it can change your status, it can change your mind and it can change you. Anyway, I am existing for 21 years in this wicked world. It's been 21 years since my parents made a mistake. Mistake, creating me in a very wrong time. Despite of that mistake, I was loved. Everyone loves me. All my aunts loves me, my cousins are very excited to see me and my dad always playing with me. I dont know. I dont even have a single memory when I was a kid. My gradma, always telling me how much my dad is taking care of me. She told me that he is calling me 'Princess Sarah'. While he is studying and I cried he will stop everything he does and carry me. He loves me indeed. Oh no... No... I dont think so. If he loves me, why would he leave me? I still cant understand why. And I think I wont, forever. I spent most of my childhood days with my gradma. Mom was working abroad that time and she only comes back every 6 months. My life was very happy and easy. I get everything that I want. Every toy, every dress, everything. I was studying in an international school. We had a very wealthy life that time. Until mom got pregnant again. It was her baby with my stepdad. Since then, luxurious life ended. I spent my high school days in a public school. I finished my college in a public school. It was actually an amazing experience to study in a public school. Endless competition. If you are weak you wont survive. I learned a lot for almost 8 years staying in a public school. Though, my dream to study at my dream school (University of Santo Tomas) is quite far from reality now. I want enroll in med school. I badly want to be a doctor. Well, wake up for now Sarah. Think first of your lucky numbers for the lottery. My stepdad is good. He helped me a lot in my education. I owe him a lot. Most of the time we are fighting. At the end of the day we're okay. I cant say he is a perfect dad. We all have imperfections. We're all humans, we make mistakes sometimes. I have a job now. I am HR Specialist / Training Officer in an Outsourcing Company. I am sourcing for candidates for our job openings, I interview them, helping them to acquire their requirements, processing it and deploying them. I am also in charge of giving them memos, giving them sanctions and disciplinary actions. As a Training Officer, I conduct orientations about our company and code of conduct to our employees. I also go around the Philippines to conduct seminars. I am working there since January of 2015 and I got promoted in just 6 months. God is really good. So that's the summary of my life. I just created this tumblr account because I want a virtual diary. Why cant I just put it on a notebook? I want that person to read this. I want that person to know how my life is now. I want that person to know what happened to my life after what that person done to me. I know you don't care. But maybe... Maybe one day, you will. I want you to read this. Dad.

[iampatienty]

Damn, I thought so too.

[iampatienty]

Brutally frank. Lol.

[iampatienty]

This is painful. :(

“Mine.” (photo by se7enone)

[iampatienty]

This so meeee :P