iamnotmythoughts16

[iamnotmythoughts16]

Wed Jul 14 8:44 am

I just got back from cycling class. I meditated with headspace and I plan on doing a youtube video for stretching (I am so sore!). My biggest challenge right now is learning to let go. BUT before I get into that, I want to acknowledge my improvements. I went to DC a few weeks ago and went out to eat almost all meals, and I made it through. I have been facing my fears almost on a daily basis. I drank alcohol yesterday and still functioned today. I want to slowly reroute my brain from being afraid of these things. And I think I am slowly doing that :) 

I also want to be able to not think I am losing all my progress/starting over if I DO unsuccessfully face a fear though. For example, if I do go out to eat and have a panic attack, my mentality will be “well another 10 steps back, time to restart.” Basically, only acknowledging the failures and not recognizing ALL THE TIMES I DID successfully go out to eat. Changing this thought process to a more forgiving and positive one, I believe, is essential in my continued improvement.

Now back to the letting go. I recently have been trying to reach out to old friends to hang out again, only to find them entirely disinterested. Slow texts or no responses at all make me feel like somethings wrong with me, or that I am not fun to be around, or maybe I did something wrong? I go down a spiral of thinking traps, always attributing these things to something I did wrong. Most of the time, people’s actions are a reflection of what’s happening in their own lives. (Remember when I myself was really bad at responding because I didn’t have the mental capacity to?). Regardless of the reason though, if someone doesn’t contribute their equal part, then let them go. You don’t need to torture yourself over the reasons and figure everything out. My therapist also said that friendships aren’t black and white. Friendships go through phases (acquaintance, friends, best friends)... and if my old friends decide to reach out and actually try again, I can decide if I want to go through that.

So I can say all of these things, but my struggle is really letting go. I have been upset about this for almost a month, and I still can’t seem to let it go. I still feel really hurt and upset by my friends’ actions. I don’t know any techniques to actively learn to let go... (like how I can meditate to calm down, I don’t think meditating helps me let go?). But I will keep trying. I am just trying to recognize when I am being angry/holding on, and telling myself to let it go... Maybe it will work. We’ll see.

[iamnotmythoughts16]

Wed Jun 16 8:48 pm

I lost my temper today because I got my favorite pizza but it didn’t taste as good as usual. Everything annoyed me, and I hated how I was being a total brat. Then I got a mini anxiety attack in the middle of it and ate two Bach candies. I think they helped a little. It makes me worried that I am anxious at home comfortable with food I want, but then again, I have to remind myself that just because something happened at a certain place doesn’t mean that place is going to become a trigger. Like, I’ve definitely had panic attacks and anxiety attacks at home before, but I didn’t start fearing home, but I am also actively trying to prevent me from falling into that thinking trap. It’s easy for me to fall into that thinking trap for outside places though (e.g. that restaurant I had a panic attack at). 

It is okay if I get nervous, anxious, panic attack. It is okay. It is not an indication that life is going to suddenly get horrible, or whatever. I just have to let things happen, pass, and stop worrying/trying to anticipate the next “scary” thing. 

[iamnotmythoughts16]

Sat Jun 12 21:52

I am made it to Raleigh last night and had a surprisingly pleasant time with much less than expected anxiety attacks. I made it to the housewarming and stayed until I started to feel quite nervous and sick. However, it’s also because I do have semi-diarrhea right now and didn’t eat dinner. I felt so hungry but had no appetite so that greatly contributed to my anxiety. I immediately asked to leave and now I am cooped up in bed, while everyone else heads out to bars downtown. Regardless, I am so proud of myself. Just making it here at all, coming to Raleigh, meeting all these people and going through the housewarming party mostly enjoyably, WOW! I do not want to dismiss and underestimate this accomplishment, but it’s easy to do that since it’s still far from where I want to be. That was the boundary I made today between pushing myself and knowing when to rest. I pushed myself to come here and go to the housewarming, but resting while the rest go out. I hope I feel better tomorrow morning.

[iamnotmythoughts16]

Fri Jun 11 8:13 am

Last night I wanted to get soft serve. Thought about it for the latter half of the work day. When we (bf and I) finally got there, of course I started getting anxious. Oh how frustrating! Why am I getting anxious at something I WANTED to do? And I’m in a familiar place too? It made me feel extra worried because if I am anxious getting freaking soft serve at my hometown, can I take on going to the housewarming party tonight? They want to go downtown after too. And there’s always the struggle between caring for myself and not seeming like a debby downer -- “JUST COME WE ARE ALL COMING WHATS THE BIG DEAL” to people who do not get it. 

I am currently eating cereal. During my cycling class this morning the one song to ourselves was nice and motivational. I told myself I can do this. But after the song ended I didn’t feel so hopeful. Let’s see.

[iamnotmythoughts16]

why I am here

Actually, I thought of this idea a few weeks ago, but it was just a passing thought. I was reminded of it again after watching this YouTube video (25 things i wish i'd known before 25.) when she mentioned doing things for yourself. 

Hi, I am not my thoughts. I am just a regular gal whose anxiety was triggered 3 years ago by immense stress (college hah!), and ever since then, I have been trying to and learning to deal with this constant companion. To be honest, it has been extremely frustrating, and I envy everyone who doesn’t suffer from it. Even now, I sometimes feel like my identity has been stolen from me. Things I would easily do without a second thought before are now gigantic balls of “what-ifs”. What if __ goes wrong? What if I get sick? What if ...... what if.... Examples? Travelling! I LOVED travelling and I remember the night before my study abroad flight to France, I couldn’t sleep. Because of EXCITEMENT and not nerves. I remember travelling solo around Europe, doing what I wanted, having fun. Hanggliding in Switzerland, going to the bar downtown, socializing with my host’s roommate in Amsterdam, etc. And now? I cannot imagine doing that now. I cannot even believe I did those things to begin with. Today, I am held back from any joy from those because I would be preoccupied entirely with the thoughts of what would go wrong. And I absolutely HATE that. I want to be my own person again, and do all the things I want to do without my fear holding me back. I want to travel, eat around the world, meet people, have so much fun, and I will do that. I WILL. I cannot accept living my life in fear and avoiding every situation as I do so often now. These ups and downs are so exhausting and sometimes I wish I just had a switch to turn off. To stop these overthinking spiral thoughts. To wish that I could just be “normal”...oh now nice it would be to just go about life without a billion racing thoughts of what-ifs and nervousness coming before every action.

Anyways, I recently started a new job. After my second day of work, I wanted to go out and eat somewhere nice. For fun! And anyone who knows me knows I LOVE food. I LOVE cute restaurants and cafes and I literally look at menus in my free time. However, right before leaving, I had already started to feel a little nervous. I don’t know consciously why I was nervous, but it was probably because of the new job. I didn’t want to suddenly cancel dinner plans, so I went along with it, but ended up having a dissociative panic attack after appetizers. I tried keeping calm and seeming like everything was fine but soon enough, just the whiff of food made me want to puke... and did I mention I have a phobia of getting sick and puking? and that being panicked/anxious makes me feel nauseous? So the horrible cycle of anxious -> nauseous -> more anxious ... started and I had to hurriedly leave the restaurant. 

This set off a new wave of anxiety that I am dealing with right now. It feels almost as bad as it was at the peak of my anxiety 3 years ago. I feel at a loss because I do not want to live where I was again, but I also feel hopeful because I got out of it once before, I can do it again. Regardless, it feels like I’ve taken 500 steps back from the progress I have made, and anxieties I’ve never had before are now also arising. I guess I really wanted to start this blog to track my ups and downs, and let everyone else know that it’s okay to seemingly regress in your progress to improvement, and that hopefully I can convince myself of that too.

My challenges right now are knowing what boundaries to push, how hard to push myself, and when to let myself rest. I know I need exposure therapy to the illogical fears I have, but if I really feel terrible and sick, should I still go through with it? 

A decision I have to make by tomorrow is whether I will be going to a friend’s housewarming party this weekend. There will be so many people I do not know (anxiety!) and there will be drinking (alcohol and puke anxiety!). I will be in an unfamiliar place (anxiety!) and not sleeping at my own place (anxiety! since this place is 6 hour drive away) But at the same time, I want to be able to meet new people, have FUN and live my life... I want to celebrate with my friend. This is supposed to be a fun exciting thing and I hate how, instead, it is a dreadful scary thing to me. I am constantly tugging left and right about whether or not I will go, thinking about what could go wrong, what I will/can do if things DO go wrong... My therapist said it’s important to not fall into thinking traps of “I shouldn’t / should ___”.  However, I want to recognize that these are the instances I want to change my thought processes on and eventually approach with more excitement than anxieties. So while I DO feel like this, I am working on not feeling like this. I hope everyone has a good day, or least one highlight of the day.

Love,

T