iambutagrapefruit

[iambutagrapefruit]

hello

today i experienced that medicine is really also an art

first of all waiting 4 hours, 2 expected 2 on top of it, just to see the doctor is a lot...but fine its as expected with how understaffed public hospitals are. i guess we are not new to this kind of waiting time either

but then you get in the room and the doctor just seems to be rushing? doesn't feel like she knew my case very well either...like how do i trust u to give medical advice for me

and ive felt this before with other senior consultants and drs in general but like low key dismissive attitude towards your problems. i know drs have so many impt problems to solve so maybe they focus on the solving part and anything with a solution is just gone but also...this is my entire life???

the rush and this kind of dismissive atmosphere made it hard for me to voice out my questions and request what i need as clearly and as confidently as i wouldve liked. this is why im always thinking of adding on stuff after i leave my appointments. its because i dont feel comfortable voicing them out completely and clearly during the appt. bc they seem like such small issues based on the doctors response. (this is not entirely true either just need to check myself--but i do have the feeling)

i got none of the closure and reassurance feeling i was kind of hoping for. i guess maybe there is none to give since everything is just so inconclusive. and frustratingly so.

is it not disrespectful to use ur phone even if its for purposes related to work while the patient is still talking

i guess doctors have much more impt issues to worry about and so do i i should not be dwelilng on a 15 min appointment but also i have been waiting for this appointment since the last one in dec and i was just expecting something better from the doctor.

it also makes me spiral a bit and feel like im being overly sensitive which maybe i am but also i do believe these feelings are valid they are just not going away like i hoped

i think repressing these feelings also led to the anger i felt and expressed. it feels like they're sort of dumping the problem back onto me...even though i guess theres nothing much they can do either. but if theyed done the consultation differently i think i'd feel different as well.

i guess the root problem is just understaffing and overworking. but cld they really not have done any better??? frustrating to me.

[iambutagrapefruit]

thoughts:

i hv been reminded of how i wld try to take on challenges (willingly) in the past . as a form of self improvement mentally i guess. and now i hv realised i m no longer like that when i instinctively tried to take the presumably lighter bag of groceries and leaving the heavier one for dad. it really brings up the sentiment that i might no longer be as good as my past self

it also reminds me of why the teenage years are typically surrounded by a general theme of joy, happiness and optimism -- the hope that we really do great things and become greater people. when the future seems so distant it really seems like anything was possible. but now as we approach working age we really get a glimpse into how our realities are about to look like and how daily life is like and we know what is achievable and what is not achievable

i dont really know why life feels more miserable now, and why i don't seem to feel connected to anyone anymore. the looming sense of boredom and purposelessness has been there for far too long. is this simply the result of hormonal deficiencies? even if it is, will they ever be fixed? i just don't know how i m supposed to continue really living life like this. it just feels like lockdown came and has stuck around.

i also don't know how seriously to take my ** social anxieties **, i mean given singapore's culture of being "obedient" and it being uncommon to initiate conversation, what am i even hoping for. i guess we could start with curing email anxiety and actually being able to network and talk to people at work . i don't know why everyone else is adapting fine in london and making new friends and talking to new people when im the only one who can't click. im also tired of everyone having to counsel me and make me feel better about things and the fact that i have nothing pleasant to share whenever i meet up with people. it really pains me when i see how people are living now and how far they have gone compared how i am right now and my decline ~~ then again social media only portrays some of the best, so i have to remind myself of that. but even so, i think my point stands.

talking to people at work just feel like a chore honestly. like on a perfectly fine day like today i m already going through the mental fatigue and just have no energy to maintain the fine balance that is being friendly and jovial to co-workers and still being professional. like what is the point. when you spend most of your days on some of these more empty actions. where is the satisfaction and joy that you get from genuinely kind conversations going to come from. but then again i recognise that not everything has to be like that and it would not be better if it was. i guess it's just something i will accept with time and as i get validated abt it (hopefully) i will be more ok with.

in sum-- wld be nice if i cld talk endlessly with someone abt these //woeful thots// n someone who'd be willing to cheer me up and suggest fun things for me to do without it being done out of pity. i also want my confidence back. the feeling of being able to Mother my day to day life.

i wish i cld be that person for myself. i mean, can i?

on a separate but related note: the way i have been spending so much time on social media (as a replacement for real human interaction? to pass time? as a result of boredom?) has caused me to really understand and perceive life in the way that people illustrate it on social media. by that i mean when i wake up each morning my brain is literally flooded with something from the internet and when i go to sleep it is the same. the solution wld perhaps be for me to live in a little scandinavian/ dutch etc. village house where it is beautiful and i hv some hands on work to do each day but not too intensive . wld be best if a cat or dog cld be there. i still can contact the outside world with traditional telephone functions but no social media or internet. also there can't be bugs or extreme heat (like in sg) or cold (like in scandinavia themselves ... or yakutia )

#anyways :~)

[iambutagrapefruit]

very effie trinket

[iambutagrapefruit]

✍️✍️✍️ therefore maximalism .. .

[iambutagrapefruit]

the thursday's child trailers have taken me there. i am in that back alley being stared down by the attractive members of a teenage gang. i am in that gorgeous garden complex with flowers sitting next to the sad boy who was once an orphan tell his story. i am partying in the club under the neon lights with the boys that probably won't be able to make it like everyone else and want to forget it all. i am feeling the feelings.

[iambutagrapefruit]

sometimes you see visuals that are so fucking amazing that you question the world. beomgyu in thursday's child era is that. teenage gang (romanticised) leader with gold chain. god.

[iambutagrapefruit]

I always feel like I hv to convince ppl back home I made the right choice but the truth is studying abroad or maybe just in Europe makes u feel so uncomfortably seen yet invisible. Ppl just talking abt their day in grp discussions while u sit at the side nodding and listening, ppl repeating points u literally mentioned and everyone saying yeah I agree to them.

[iambutagrapefruit]

throwback to that time l**** and his friends??? spoke to that middle aged man who was apparently a pedo at that japanese restaurant .... don't rmb what they said but they had the confidence of a male protagonist... IF i had that kind of energy in my life... my power ^^^....also i haven't spoken to a real person yet today haha mental health who

[iambutagrapefruit]

not me doing math to procrastinate on the work that's more urgent

[iambutagrapefruit]

on the verge of creating my own imaginary friends tbh

[iambutagrapefruit]

im fine! don't have an internet addiction or anything like that

[iambutagrapefruit]

Are we not living in a virtual reality already

[iambutagrapefruit]

what if my ashes were glittery

[iambutagrapefruit]

if i stop looking for people will they forget me

[iambutagrapefruit]

rating vegetables as college students

1. chinese cabbage

pros

- lasts 2-3 meals for 2

- great in soups

cons

- not super versatile

2. round beans

pros

- nice cooked the chinese way

cons

- i only like cooking them the chinese way with chili

- they end up so small. I can finish one packet in one meal by myself

3. aubergine not eggplant

pros

- versatile. goes in stir fry and pasta or steamed or baked

cons

- only enuf for 1 meal for 2

- getting smaller and smaller in supermarkets

- texture is not good for chinese stir fry

4. tomatoes

pros

- umami

- so versatile: soups, pasta, stir fries, salads etc etc.

- elevates spicy mala flavours amazingly

- brings freshness to bottled pasta sauces

- stir fry tomato and egg best empty pantry lunch

- last quite long in the fridge

cons

- probably gas ripened :/

- getting smaller too

5. cucumber

pros

- good in salads, pickled, fresh, with soy sauce garlic vinegar and sesame oil

- cold n refreshing

- good for skins maybe

cons

- tastes worse cooked

- pressure to eat the whole thing at once

- peeling can be tedious

6. zucchini

pros

- tastes better cooked unlike cucumber

- taste not bad, can go in pastas stirfries and fajitas apparently

cons

- taste not great either imo

[iambutagrapefruit]

the black and white strands of her hair were so finely interspersed that they blended into silvery grey, cut just above her shoulders. i'd never seen flowy grey hair like that before. most of the middle aged women around me cut their hair short. my own grandmother always kept her hair in a pixie cut, and though older, she had an abundance of healthy, voluminous black hair.

[iambutagrapefruit]

Am I the pussy for not liking to drink much? How about we talk about YOUR feelings, BITCH 👏👏