i-wrote-this-4-u

[i-wrote-this-4-u]

October 2, 2023 — monday

hi

i don't wanna write on this tuwing may bottled up emotions lang ako. pero i wanna write something na i dont wanna explain to you kasi baka maisip mo gumagawa na naman ako ng away 😅 funny. ganun na pala tingin mo no. i guess it's hard talaga to always see from one perspective kapag nasa relationship ka. and i understand that, i need to understand na we will see things differently. i guess i'll just write this para makapag vent out??? idk

naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi bakit ganun yung outcome sayo na tuwing aalis ka napapansin mo gumagawa ako ng away? sakit nun girl nung nabasa ko ha. kasi feeling ko naman reasonable naman lagi yung dahilan kung bakit minsan binabawalan kita or naiinis ako sayo pag aalis ka.

nakakainis din na hindi mo man lang nakikita na i'm doing something naman para wala tayong ganitong misunderstanding tuwing aalis ka. like when you said na inaaway kita tuwing nagiinom ka kase nabobored ako? dahil wala ako kausap? sinasadya kong gawing busy sarili ko pag wala ka, para hindi kita masyado chinachat. kasi alam ko naman, naiintindihan ko naman. you need ur own time din. unless na lang talaga kung may napagusapan na oras, ganon. pero sana nakikita mo yon.

nakakainis din na hindi mo man lang nakikita yung mga lakad mo na ako pa mismo nag aask sayo bakit hindi natuloy, kung iinom ba kayo, ano gagawin nyo. pakiramdam ko ang napapansin mo lang eh tuwing inaaway kita kase sa tingin mo ayaw kitang umaalis.

yun lang naman, hindi ko alam kung may kulang ba talaga sa pakikipag communicate ko sayo or what. ayoko naman na iopen up to kasi alam ko ayaw mo ng paulit ulit. but this is what i feel atm eh.

9:13pm

[i-wrote-this-4-u]

september 21, 2023 — thursday

i almost forgot that i have this blog. i used to type all my feelings away kasi i'm not really good at expressing it sa salita and i feel like hindi ako nagmamake sense kapag sinasabi ko sya. so i'm gonna try to make this one since di pa rin naman ako inaantok. then maybe, i can show this to you or maybe not.

xx

dear marco,

i love you. i just wanna make that clear. i love you more than our arguements, i love you more than our misunderstandings, i love you more than our fights. idk why i always have this urge na ipaliwanag ang sarili ko para maintindihan ng maayos, siguro kasi i am always misunderstood since i was a child and nadala ko na paglaki haha. grr ewan

for me to better explain my feelings, i know i have to put my feelings away when explaining. so here's the gist of our conversation earlier and my take on it without being dramatic lol

- late ka ng 20 mimutes sa oras ng usapan natin.

again for nth time, I ALWAYS UNDERSTAND whatever reason kung bakit di ka nakasunod, and I KNOW na few minutes SHOULDN'T BE A BIGDEAL it is just a matter of YOUR CHOICE.

ang big deal sakin para dito is the fact that (a) we already have an agreement, and i always expect you to adhere to it. (b) adhering to our agreement makes me feel like YOU VALUE me, and I MATTER TO YOU. yes, hindi naman nga sukatan yon pero thats what it feels like sakin kaya siguro ganun na lang reaction ko. but i love you, regardless.

• i promise to try and not be so hard on you when it comes to things like this. i appreciate naman and i can see it na you are respecting me and our agreement, i just alwats tend to look way past that kasi naooverpower ako ng nararamdaman ko. i'm sorry mahal, i love you.

now, i wanted you to know this para na lang sa ikatatahimik ko kasi feeling ko pag di ko to nasabi eh mababaliw ako.

(1) OA

- when we have our conversations like this, it is so important to me na masabi ko lahat kasi it (again) validates my feelings. i wanted you to be aware of the situation and how i felt about it. BUT having this in thought, naiisip ko din na, hala baka ang OA OA ko na at baka napapalaki ko na lang mga bagay bagay, baka nakakaikirta na ako.

• siguro mahal kapag ganito, hayaan mo lang akong magpaliwang ng feelings ko para ma satisfy nya yung need ko na ipaliwanag ang sarili ko — i am fully aware naman na nagegets mo agad point ko sa mga unang salita pa lang, but listening to me, engaging with the conversation, and understanding me makes me feel like I AM HEARD. na validate yung mga naramdaman ko. pumapasok din dito yung sinabi mo na tama na kasi madami pang dadagdag na unnecessary shits kapag magexxplain ako, kasi hahaba. and you are right, hmm i guess its just the matter how we communicate lalo na sa mga oras na we really need to COMMUNICATE.

(2) Instant Snap

- earlier you cut me off and bigla kang napataas ng boses and sinabi mo na, "mahal tama na" while i am still speaking. i understand where your coming from. the perspective na, naiintindihan naman na nga pero I still kept on explaining my side, nakainom kaya syempre siguro antok na din. but despite knowing that, I was stunned. for a brief momemnt there I was genuinely hurt and was like "wow okay??" thats why when I ended the call I couldn't even say i love you. but again after ilang minutes i tried calling you kasi i realized that was a dumb move

• i know this part is on me. masyado ako palagi nadadala ng emotions ko. i guess, i really have to have a system wherein i could take things slow muna whenever we have a misunderstanding so when I talk with you na, it doesn't seem big deal than it once were.

lastly, siguro mas okay na ibuhos ko muna yung mga gusto ko sabihin dito before sending it to you. i know na sometimes I am too much too handle, and nafrufrustrate ka agad sa mga bagay na madali naman na sana solusyunan but me being me, gusto ko naipapaliwanag ko pa ng ayos yung effect sakin, without thinking na it has an effect din sayo. for that, again, i'm sorry mahal.

i love you so much.

2:48am

[i-wrote-this-4-u]

may 19, 2023 — friday

this is the first time i ever felt something na hindi maganda towards you. hindi ko alam kung dahil bagong gising ako or sadyang i really felt fucking disrespected sa decision mo or both. i am trying to make sense naman ng nangyari eh pero it really fucking don't.

i realized today the effect you have on me. hindi ko macontain yung inis ko umiyak na lang ako bigla. your every decision affects me and its fucking scary how i'm in deep shit with you.

[i-wrote-this-4-u]

april 13, 2023 - thursday - 12:42am

sobrang random lang na pupunta ka samin and sabay tayo papasok sa evening class natin, but you did it anyways. grateful to have you in my life. thank you for making me feel loved and safe. i love you, always.

[i-wrote-this-4-u]

april 08, 2023 - saturday - 1:01am

hi mahal

i'm not really good at expressing my feelings so sometimes i just like keeping things to myself. this past month was so sureal to me, it went just like a blur. who would have thought diba? that i would literally fell for someone that i met on a fucking dating app. hahaha tinatawanan ko lang yung mga ganun dati eh, pero iba pala talaga pag sa'yo mismo nangyari. i'm really happy with you that is why nakakatakot. honestly, i've been hurt numerous times kaya dumating talaga ako sa point na sinabi ko sa sarili ko na ayaw ko muna magseryoso. after our first coffee date, i really felt some kind of connection and safety with our kwentuhan. sobrang genuine and hindi pilit, mind you, i like talking to people and i talk to a lot but our kwentuhan really stand out. if i remember it correctly, it was only you nga who mostly did the talking. nakakatuwa kasi for the 1st time, i felt na hindi ako yung madaldal. i enjoyed listening to your stories and looking at your face whenever you make kwento. kasi halata sa mukha mo na nageenjoy ka sa pag kwekwento mo.

it's been 1 month and 20 days since we matched on the bee app but damn, i fell for you agad. to our coffee dates, movie date sa discord, pag punta mo sa bahay, inuman moments and our sponty baguio trip — it made me feel na this is it. ito na yun. sure ako sa nararamdaman ko. but i know everything is uncertain, pwede magbago lahat in just a split second kaya natatakot ako. natatakot ako na ibuhos ko na naman ang sarili ko sa maling tao. but ur worth the risk eh so i'm here. all yours.

i can't sleep and my mind can't stop thinking how happy i am sayo. that's why i decided to write this.

hay, i love you, marco mendoza san jose.

1:24am