i-dont-want-to-forget-this

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

oh, silly girl. 

its simply fomo.

classic.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

it’s been a while

hello camille

you’re a little rusty at this

you’re also 10000% procrastinating right now. fool.

loneliness has become a steady companion for you. wait actually lets rewind even farther:

1. the people that you meet and immediately fall in love with. be careful of those. i don’t know how to do that yet, i am so quick to love so deeply. but be careful, they all leave. megan was different, she wasnt someone that i fell in love with immediately, but she will probably be one of my slowest heartbreak heals. phil, just a complete stranger to me now. it is such a distant memory to me, it has shaped me into the cynical lover i am today but my heart doesn’t hurt to look at him. does that mean my heart doesn’t race when i see him? no. definitely still someone i more or less avoid. but i feel powerful. durga, a completely manipulative piece of shit. was that rude? yes. am i still mad? oh, definitely. it’s truly surprising how quickly my life has just moved on without him though. he’s still brought up all of the time, but who else is dea to tell? he clearly is the cause for a lot of how my brain works now, so it’ll take a lot of time for me to reclaim all of that. i’m working on it though. do i expect to become amicable with him again? i don’t know. it would be nice to be able to go to movies with them, since they are my movie people, but like, he was my movie person. thats the main thing i miss i think. that and just having a go to. but im discovering not everyone has a go to. you dont need a go to. im still wrapping my mind around that one every now and then. right now is one of those moments. loneliness is something im still learning how to do. i am not good at utilizing my time well when i’m alone, which i need to fix. i’m just a fuckin mess. victor. ha, what a flash friend. like truly in and out of my life like lightning. not that he’s gone, hes definitely still here and relatively distracting but like really truly what on earth was that time period. camille needs to pour that kind of time into someone that can love her just as intensely as she may love them. he knows so much about my life though and im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. i guess it doesnt necessarily need to be either. it is simply a thing. as is many.

2. you are so vain camille. this isnt new. its just really clear, now that durga doesn’t bathe you in attention all of the time. im seeking it out from other people, not in a way that ill go out of my way to get it, i just go out of my way to spice myself up to be worth the attention but thats dumb. and i recognize that i do it and i know that its stupid while im doing it its just a habit and way of life that i need to break. fr kyle told me that we are a monstrance and Jesus shines through us. it doesn’t matter what we look like. hes very right.

3. i just really miss friendship, God. i miss coming home to someone i miss hearing about peoples days i miss learning what my friends are learning i miss walking through life with someone. is this normal? to not? to just exist completely on my own? i guess so but i gotta say, God. this isn’t the life that i personally particularly like. You made me one to want to share my life constantly. and i guess now its clear that i dont NEED to share my life constantly. You didn’t make me dependent on others, You’ve just instilled a genuine interest for life within me and that is okay, that is good. but just because i recognize that doesn’t mean that God is going to send some perfect best friend my way. i have friends. i have willow staff to come home to. i have people i can talk to. i am capable of starting conversations and making friendships. i no longer feel like im in the search of quarters, its just clear to me that i have the friends that i have and they may leave any time. is that a trust problem? i feel like thats just life. i cant expect people in my life to just be intertwined with me forever and always. that isn’t how it works. how does it work then, God? what do i have to do for the best friend that i share my entire life with? does dea not count? why not? simply because she isnt right next to you? quality time IS very high on my list of love languages, which would explain why i do not feel that kind of love towards nearly any of my friends right now. what am i to do when i am older? my friends wont all be living within hours of me all of the time. i can’t rely on getting a husband. i don’t want to settle for the friendships i have right now. do i keep cultivating these friendships? yes. do i not want to? they stress me out. they make me feel stressed because i want so desperately for them to love me back. and so what if they dont? you will be okay, camille. how do you cultivate friendships with people without spending every waking minute with them? perhaps invite people. start being a planner, camille. start creating those opportunities for encounter. 

Lord, when You came to the seashore, You weren’t seeking the rich or the wealthy, but only asking that I may follow... Oh Lord, in my eyes You were gazing, kindly smiling, my name You were saying, all I treasured, I have left on the sand there, close to You, I will find other seas.

Go find other seas camille. What could you possibly be waiting for.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

why i cant stop crying

hi camille

its time to work this out because clearly things arent ok yet

i think ive cried 

every day

for the past several days

after a lot of thinking

do i think i am unlovable? do i think i need to earn love? that doesnt make any sense because i love other people so much all of the time! 

did i not love her well enough??

its not my fault its not my fault its not my fault

i know its not my fault

and this isnt her fault either this is no ones fault

but why do i feel like this?

i trust people so quickly, is that a bad thing?? its not like

i trust them with my whole life but when i first meet someone they havent given me any reason to think that i shouldnt trust them

is it really just that im selfish???

WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO GIVE???

theres no more of my self to be selfish of!

i just didnt know

i didnt know

i didnt know i swear

how was i supposed to know

do i blame myself?

for daddy and for megan? for all of the things that have happened?

or am i just being dramatic?

whats wrong with me

i love God why is that not enough right now do I not think He loves me back? i know he does! We’re in love! I’m so sure of it!

do i feel hopeless right now i think thats how i feel. that is a feeling i am not hopeless i just feel hopeless. WHY do my EMOTIONS have such CONTROL over EVERYTHING. God just take it all i dont want to have to hold any of it anymore.

im so frustrated and upset and i dont know what to do.

help,

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

God I wanna cry. I know I am hormonal, I know I am hungry, I know I am secretly in love with crying. But Why. I miss Nico. I feel like a phantom friend. She was here and she wouldn't come for me. That wasn't her fault though None of it is. And none of it is yours either. Stitches take time to heal. Let them. Ingat.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

Hi God this weekend was SO good. So Croatian, so lovely, so much joy and comfort, such welcome, such love. My greatest worry being not being able to reciprocate. Thank you for Dea, for her family, for Ivan, for Marifer and her family. Thank you for friends that let me disappear. Thank you for Durga who listens to the excess. Thank you for movies, for sunsets, for music. He is risen. Alleluia.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

Jesus, thank you for friendship. Specifically with Durga. Help me to purify the friendship so that it is yours and not ours at all. Help me. Strengthen me. Give me bite size pieces, give me courage, give me faith, give me desire to follow You alone. Mould my heart oh Lord. I am Yours.

#grr

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

God, there's not enough of emotional chastity.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

Thank You, God, for my friends and for peace. For giving my comfort, giving me a trusting heart. Help me protect her. Give me the strength to take her out of what is bad for her. Lord mold me into the woman you desire me to be, even if bit by bit. I pray for Isabel for Durga and for Emily and for Allison. Goodnight God, give me restful sleep, give me energy tomorrow.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

Hi God

God I am very sleepy. I want to talk to you today though. I didn't talk to you yesterday. If I make time for people how much more time can I make for you. I give you today, God. I give you all the lows and highs, what in proud of and what I'm ashamed of. I pray for my family specifically Nico, I pray for my friends families, I pray for my friends, specifically Angelica, and her Ma. I thank you for endlessly loving me. I am so unworthy, but i am yours. And you are mine.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

U better watch yourself girl

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

And I cried a lot Bc it was touching and I cried a lot Bc it was too real and I cried a lot Bc at the same exact time last year I was on a date with the worst person I know (which was crashed by a lot of other people I know which at the time was annoying but surprise turned out to be a blessing in disguise) but this year I was with people that were new but even though they were new they were people that really did love me and I am just very thankful for my current situation.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

You're no pussy ass bitch. You are not afraid. You know this to be true. No one can tell you you're wrong. Use your name.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

You don't need to do it by yourself anymore.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

I think my heart likes being able to rewrite her brain. Or maybe herself.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

tomorrow you explore cosmos.

hey, you.

what are we about to do.

by we i mean 

heartbroken you

who is in there somewhere, i know she is.

and badass bitch you.

who is more alive and well today.

not to say that you two are exclusive of each other.

just that depending on which of you takes the reigns tomorrow the outcome may change.

to clarify,

we’re seeing megan tomorrow and getting lunch.

im scared shitless.

she fucked me up so bad.

i fear a great multitude of things. here’s a list of them that i sent to durga:

1. I'm just gonna attack her the entire time

2. She's just going to sit there and be like yeah yep uh huh and then it would feel incredibly inconclusive

3. She will guilt me

4. I will want to lunge at her

5. I'm not gonna be able to talk about anything and just freeze up/ my brain kind of goes empty when I'm confronting something it is very inconvenient but like my insides just leave my body and it makes my arguments very weak and I am scared that will happen

6. She's just gonna be like Jesus has a plan

7. She's gonna be like your faith isn't strong enough

8. I will fall for her manipulations/ I will be like yeah everything's alright when things are not rly all that alright

9. We small talk the whole time

10. She talks about John the whole time

11. I talk about me the whole time

12. We see someone we know there

I felt like crying earlier, i was so scared.

but while taking care of my face (that currently hates me, like actually)

i remembered that she was at one point my best friend.

like with my cousins,

i’ll be able to talk to her with ease.

but this time we aren’t avoiding the elephant in the room.

i’m just really scared of the elephant crushing me.

i’m scared because i’m afraid it may invalidate my feelings

it may invalidate the last year

it may make me look stupid.

am i scared to be vulnerable?

perhaps.

am i scared to tell the truth?

perhaps.

is that because i don’t know the truth?

perhaps.

but i know me.

i know what i felt.

i know how it hurt. 

i know i fell on my knees.

i know ive cried countless tears.

i know i missed class.

i know that the hurt and pain has turned me into a sobbing fetus.

camille.

she hurt you so much.

not intentionally, you recognize that.

but she made you feel like shit.

she made everyone you are friends with feel like shit.

she loved you. probably still does.

but then what happened camille?

why was it not good enough for you?

now, i feel as though its because our needs changed. 

then, i felt as though

she wasn’t there for me

at all.

for a long time actually.

she just tried to fix me

tried to fix me

tried to fix me.

this was not a one way friendship, camille.

and you deserve endless love.

people may disappoint.

people do disappoint.

people have disappointed.

but He

He will not.

and you know that,

as you know everything else you’ve just said.

but you’re still working on wholly believing.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

There's something about looking at old photos of yourself And seeing yourself as greater than you probably were But with such love And admiration That your current self could never fathom giving to yourself now. She's so strong She's so admirable She's everything I want to be. And maybe you already are.

[i-dont-want-to-forget-this]

Hey remember when you were like hm I don't know what you're gonna do about the physical thing ok well surprise I'm sorry but that's actually sexual assault so fuck him fuck that fuck society for fucking up your brain making you think that's okay. I don't know how I feel about that. I still feel like I have to keep it secret. I don't want people to know still. I'm sorry I'm not a total badass that just rips new ones when I need to.