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#goth#bodypositive#lingerie#emo#emogirls#metal#onlyfans#patreon#followme#hello#tortureme#piercings#knifeplay#tattoos#girlswithtattoos#suicidegirls
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He really doesn’t think I’m goth
It hurts and I know it shouldn’t
Where’s my identity
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Why do you act so fake in front of people?
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Grieving
Because my relationship will never be the same. I lost the apartment. I still have to pay back my old lease upon a security deposit and first months rent for the next place. My boyfriend is completely fucked because of my stupid mistake. I got angry and fucked my life up. Again. I am different now than I was two days ago. I don’t know where I’m gonna live. I still have to play two shows in two weeks and I don’t have the songs down. Now I have to pay hospital bills. If I don’t start looking up and focus on good things, my life will keep downspiraling. But how can I not think of everything that’s been affected. I can’t take anything back. I have to remember that.
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I can’t tell this to anyone
So I’m typing it on here, my diary of sorts. A couple days ago I got into a fight with my boyfriend. It was over the fact that he wasn’t showing me attention. I came home knowing we have to practice for a show that’s coming up in a week. I came up with a fantasy in my mind. I want to be babied by him. He will not do this for me. So I came out to the loft, and upon not getting the response I was looking for in telling him my feelings, I got angry. I started to push my drums around. I wanted him to baby me and tell me everything was ok. I was trying to make him responsible for my mental state. I was being stubborn. He was also being stubborn, for he knows how I am. We needed to practice, and I kept trying to leave. He physically would let me, started blocking the entrance and picking me up and setting me by my drum set. He wouldn’t let me leave. I told him that if he calmed down and spoke to me sweetly instead of yelling at me to do it, then he’d get a better response from me. He told me he wouldn’t calm down until I practiced. I broke up with him in vain many times. I violentialy began to hit one of the cymbols because he wouldn’t listen to me. He has a very loud voice, which is the exact opposite to me. He wouldn’t listen, I told him over and over that the way he was acted will only get me angrier. Neither one of us would back down or understand. After I hit the cymbols too many times, and I don’t remember what he said to me exactly, but I turned and threw the stick at him in anger. Apparently, it was hard. I didn’t intend to, but it ended up landing and splitting his eyelid open. I didn’t realize how bad it was when he started crying and yelling and bleeding. I immediately felt everything. I regretted. I ran to him to help, saying I’m sorry and I didn’t mean it. I was worried he wouldn’t love me anymore. We rushed inside and hopped in the shower to clean him up, he’s still crying, I’m still freaking because I know we’ll have to go to the hospital and involve other people. I knew we’d have to lie about what happened. I’m weeping that I have a relationship like this. I asked him if he can’t love me anymore. He was crying, and he told me he loves me and forgives me. He’s so strong. I realized how much he’s forgiven me for, and how much I haven’t forgiven him for. I know he is angry still, and there’s gonna be bills, needing money we don’t have. I’m scared he’s gonna look in the mirror too many times and realize what a toxic terrible person I am. I’m scared I’m never gonna forgive myself for assaulting the one Im supposed to protect and care and love. I want my relationship to be magical, not toxic. At times, it’s the most magical in the world. But often times, we’re arguing so deeply that it’s hard to believe we belong together. I could go on forever, how complicated and hard our relationship has been. I don’t know what to do except move forward.
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Someone tell me it’s ok
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When did my life end up this way?
What was my turning point, my downfall
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