houseofmomma

[houseofmomma]

Ayyy long time no see.

Got more issues than People, US Weekly, and Sparkle

[houseofmomma]

Finding My Wally

I will not settle much longer. Love shouldn’t be waiting or begging or any of the other shit I’ve done for the Scoundrel.

Why won’t my brain just stop expecting? Find my shut off valve and just be carefree. Love has a mind of its own and I have to stop questioning it.

Maybe the horrendous wait this summer was for a reason. Maybe i’ve found him on my client list. Every thing happens for a reason, so can you spell this one out for me?

Grief is an ugly bitch

[houseofmomma]

Maybe one day you’ll call and say you’re sorry too. Even my phone misses your call.

[houseofmomma]

Today was so fun and I hung out with both sisters and they told me secrets and shared advice and I spilled my recent drama and we laughed and we drank and we ate and we shopped and I was genuinely happy to have family time and it was perfect.

[houseofmomma]

ET2

I know it’s my brand, but all I ever do is listen to other people. Like genuinely I am only the listener and never the talker.

When am I gonna find the one who actually cares how my day went? When am I gonna find the one who asks an even amount of questions back?

Now I’m struggling with the thought that I’m selfish, which will make me want to self destruct.

The weekend with Scoundrel was nonexistent. He rode in high and mighty, but shit fell through cracks like always. I’m never gonna learn my lesson.

[houseofmomma]

Oh shit

I’m not sure what I’ve done but i feel like I’m in one of those scary movie scenes with a laser maze that I can’t touch the beam or else I explode.

The Scoundrel might be back in our place this weekend. Stay tuned

[houseofmomma]

Snapshot

Yeah sex is great and all (apparently), but have you ever had a man brush your hair for you?

I think this was in the summer but I’m really not sure. You were probably too high on the good stuff, but it happened. After a night at our place, we went back to your bed like a routine. I begged you to watch SS and you always let me win. I struggled to get the rubber band out of my nappy curls and to my surprise you offered to help. You sat behind me, scooted me back close to you, and gently brushed out every piece of hair. This moment is forever stuck in my head. It’s one of my favorite positives we had in a sea of confusing waters.

We sat in silence just holding each other after that. I should have rolled over, I should have let go. This was your way of showing affection. I didn’t even want to touch my gross ass hair, but you loved caring for me in that way.

I sure do miss you, Scoundrel. Hope all is well.

[houseofmomma]

Idk what depression feels like, but I’m definitely in a high level of down in the dumps

[houseofmomma]

Should I or no?

The Scoundrel is single again. The girl he left me for dumped his ass again. I told a support beam and it screamed noooooooo but my body wants it bad.

I’ve gained weight since he saw me last, but also lost my innocence. We are in the same stage of life rn so maybe we could help each other.

I’m an idiot for even thinking it. The feelings I had for him were at a minimum until this. Now who tf knows.

[houseofmomma]

RB

Drunk at a bar trapped in the corner with my bff AS and a gay man. Don’t let me text one of my booty calls. It’s real embarrassing

[houseofmomma]

July 4th

The innocence is gone. Officially. It was different than what I envisioned, but I’m okay with that. It was actually comical, so I was thankful.

Part of me realizes that I shouldn’t have been too scared to let the Scoundrel have it. He was prepped and ready for the catch, but I let my silly issues get in the line of scrimmage. Maybe he would’ve stayed with me. Maybe he would’ve fell for me more. But then again, he’s not worth it if it takes innocence to be interested in me.

[houseofmomma]

Got another rejection today. At least it wasn't from a man. That’s really sad; I’d rather not get a job than not get a man. 

I can't tell if I'm dramatic or actually messed up. My family has too many mental issues that my problems would seem like paper cuts to them. I feel lost, lonely, unwanted, anxious, nervous, worthless. I can't hold in the tears anymore. Everyone around me has a plan or a man or a moving van. When will it be my turn? 

I know the Doctor has an exact treatment for me, and I am not supposed to question it. So I will continue to sit and wait and busy myself until my next visit. Having a man would make this a lot easier. 

[houseofmomma]

I’d like to list a couple of hundred things I miss about you. But it’s a lot to write down. So perhaps I’d only write down the first couple of things that popped up, because they’re the most painful ones,  and won’t stop burning at the back of my head. // I miss your random texts that seem to pop out of nowhere. No matter what time it is, those always amuse me. I’m always the first to hear your rants about your favorite song, your favorite movie, your future, your fears, your stupid jokes that supposed to insult me,  but I just laughed it off. // I don’t know what came into you to tell me these things, but whatever it is, I’m glad. I guess whatever it is, it’s gone now. // I miss your eyebrows, oddly enough. They’re thick and looked like caterpillars, but they’re also yours, so they’re beautiful. // I miss laughing with you. With you. At you. Because of you. Actually anything that includes you made me happy as hell. God, I miss you.  // There are more I’d like to say. I’d say I miss your eyes, your hands, your laughs, your leather jacket, but I guess I’m running out of words. I’m running out ways to say I miss you.

running out of ways to say i miss you // aumirah (via a-quietsoul)

[houseofmomma]

Tried to read

I picked up a book tonight for the first time in years. I’ve never really liked the hobby, but I’m bouncing off the walls to find something to do now that my support beams are gone and my leadership isn’t needed. Best quote so far:

“I like that you like me and that you liking me makes me like myself.”

I can’t wait to have that feeling some day.

[houseofmomma]

Been positive and social and trying to keep my head up all night. But do you know how exhausting it is?

I played 3rd and 5th wheel all night long, and yes; I invited myself into it. But STILL. didn’t know it was gonna be this hard.

I tried flirting. One has a girlfriend, one was way out of my league, etc. the list goes on.

Patience is a damn virtue and I’ve always heard you don’t ask the Doctor for it, so I’m really trying to not be selfish at the moment.

I’m tipsy and worthy and lonely and hungry. Just please help me see the light soon.

[houseofmomma]

Flashback

As I lie here with wet cheeks, I realize how much I liked the Scoundrel. He put me into a different dimension emotionally and I did not handle it well. Picked me up to just drag me across the steaming pavement. But I think I got high on the pain.

It’s been a year and a half and I’m genuinely stunned. I can’t tell if you’re still with her or not, but I have done extremely well with zero communication. That makes me sound crazy. Wtf maybe I am.

I got my rings back; the ones you loved so much. I even wrote a post about it once. Making me melt with such a special notion. Having these rings reminded me of you and made me smile with a hint of nausea.

I long for the information of why. Why me, why not me, why the back and forth? You’re now a joke with my support beams because they know laughter helps.

Hope you’re well. I’m not.

[houseofmomma]

63

My eyes see the number 63 in every possible way you can imagine. Phone battery, money, the stupid number game app. This number also correlates with a boy.

He would treat me like absolute gold. But my friends would judge.

He would always be there when I needed him and make me top priority. But he is moving soon.

He says he has wanted me since high school. But our most active communication happens when he has someone else.

Do I take seeing his number as a sign? Good or bad? I’m always asking the Doctor is show me the way loud and clear, but the fear and pessimism keeps my eyes sealed tight.