hottywoodhelps

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What I Am Not Going To Do in 2019

What I Am Not Going To Do in 2019

As we approach a new year, I am reminded of the old saying “new year; new me” – and to be honest, it means absolutely nothing to me! As I have done all throughout 2018 and pretty much every year dating back to that one Thursday afternoon some time back in the late 90s, I’m going to be the same sometime-asshole I’ve always been.

I’m going to have the same inappropriate humor I’ve always had. I’m…

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#New Years 2019 #Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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TV Binging

Dammit!  Whole time I’m sitting here, I accidentally watched 8,523,535 Hallmark movies in a row.  Seriously – I look at the remote control to change the channel, but when I reach for it, it disappears. POOF!  Gone!  When I say screw it and continue watching the movie like any normal lazy person, the frikkin’ remote control returns. I swear it’s even smiling at me.

It happens every time. Every…

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#binging #Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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Thief! Laugh now and get it over with. -Hottywood Helps

#Thieves

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MondayFunday

Laugh now and get it over with.

-Hottywood Helps

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#Office Humor #Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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The Night's Still Young . . . Or I'm Old

The Night’s Still Young . . . Or I’m Old

Laugh now and get it over with.

-Hottywood Helps

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#Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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I'll Never Tell

I’ll Never Tell

The best stories you’ll ever tell begins with, “Don’t tell…”

  If I don’t know anything else, I know what I’m talking about.

-Hottywood Helps

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#Best kept secrets

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$#%! Happens

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#Shit happens #Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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What are you good for? You should always think of yourself as more than what you're good for. Especially if you're good for nothing. -Hottywood Helps

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Blurred Lines. Blurred Everything

Blurred Lines. Blurred Everything

  Holy Mother of Pearl, this day is unearthly long!

No lie, I’ve probably only had about 2 1/2 hours worth of sleep in the last 2 days. The only thing I see in front of my face right now is the same very long, very unnatural eyelash that mysteriously grows faster than any other single eyelash on the planet. Everything else is a blur. I’m telling you, this one monstrous eyelash strand is about as…

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[hottywoodhelps]

Nothing Compares

You can solve any problem by throwing it to the bottom of a

2 liter Root Beer soda.

…though that has the probabilities of bringing on a whole new set of problems: pimples, weight-gain, Root Beer breath.

♦

I guess we didn’t think this one all the way through, huh? Oh well, someone out there is thirsty, and Root Beer is the quench to their thirst.

Problem solved.

Laugh now and get it over with.

-…

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#belching #problem-solvers #Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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Damn In a word...... "Damn." Laugh now and get it over with. -Hottywood Helps

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Don't be Emma

Don’t be Emma

It’s Monday;  11:15am to be exact. You’re in your 3rd meeting of the day; the coffee pot is near empty, and Emma is being extra. Emma may unknowingly have Elmer’s glue in her swivel chair when she gets back to her desk from your meeting. Emma was [over]enthusiastic about the morning. Now Emma will be embarrassed for the rest of the day. Emma may never live this down.

Don’t be Emma.

“Laugh now…

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#Morning People

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If I've taught you nothing else, remember.....

If I’ve taught you nothing else, remember…..

Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

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#Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist

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Happy Valenti…BLAH BLAH BLAH Start a new life where it matters most...at McDONALD'S. Big mac, filet-o-fish, quarter pounder, french fries, icy cold milkshake, sundaes and apple pies....! Happy Valentine's Day

#Valentine&039;s Day dinner

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You Win Some; You Lose Some

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Hottywood Randoms #1

Everyone now and then I tend to speak out of the side of my neck, which incidentally once got me hired at a side show carnival. That job didn’t last, though. I kept getting into small arguments with the midget clowns.

ANYWAY, I thought it would be fun to share some of the shit I think about when the voices in my head are giving me the silent treatment.

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Don't Talk...Just Listen

Don’t Talk…Just Listen

Quote of the week:   “I want to flip my desk over and say “Screw it!”, but this joint is heavy…or I’m lazy. Same thing.”

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(302) 36HOTTY to leave your question for our Ask Hottywood advice column

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#not a morning person #Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist