hopeididntscareyou

[hopeididntscareyou]

I start feeling detached and dissociated.

[hopeididntscareyou]

No, I'm not going to change for anyone. I actually learned that I am emotionally intelligent and just responding normally to trauma and adversity. I always thought that I was the problem if I don't try hard to dissociate. But ive learned that these are bad coping mechanisms I had that made me more masculine and what made me relatable with other men. When in fact they are actually very bad coping mechanisms and its why men are lonely. And what I realized is i don't need to be a man. I'm privileged to be a woman. I have pretty privilige as well that I can use to social climb. I mean i already have strong and deep friendships with other female friends and im thankful for that. I dont need a man in my life.

Although dealing with men in my life is kinda contreversial topic because while I believe they all have the same nature, I feel like its wrong to hate people who were close to me and dehumanize them. They are just humans and its not their fault theyre born in this world we live in today. I understand they were socialized the way they were and it would require some deep reflection for them to change. which i just dont expect. I just really want to mind my own biz tbh and personally i want to reconnect to the feminine side of me

[hopeididntscareyou]

Im a retired pickme one of the boys. Im living a soft life now and i love it. 🫶 I've been also watching sailormoon and precure to heal my inner child self. I actually find it more enjoyable and relatable than watching shonen. I no longer care about being the coolest man because I'm not a man in the first place. i just wanna embrace my femininity. Some days i enjoy obsessing about sharks and orcas too

[hopeididntscareyou]

even my life is not where i wanted to be, i think i still learned a lot of things, earned wisdom and life lessons that i can only apply in the present. - as i don't know what future holds or how my present day is going to evolve me even.

i've realized that suffering is not what makes me strong. it makes me weak, it leaves a lifelong trauma. is it always necessary to traumatize yourself just to be strong person? i hate this cope that we need to suffer and break ourselves apart to prove yourself that you survived and still standing. yes you are standing but you are barely living. you are still stuck in your old ways or you dissociate.

it is through my failure, inability and scarcity that taught me valuable lessons. however, i do not deserve all the pain that happened.

ive learned a lot about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths. and im still reflecting what all of this has been telling me.

[hopeididntscareyou]

i admit that the sense of familiarity actually come back even after being stranged for too long. theres really that connection you cant replace and its sad when its not mean to be. im only meant to love from a distance. i really wish i could dedicate my life to something meaninful. sometimes i still hear my tyrannosaurus nex's voice in my head and he would make me feel such a small and helpless person. i am worth more than someone's opinion and shouldnt be swayed away like that. sometimes there are just things that are hard to forget and i wish i could just left these baggages behind.

[hopeididntscareyou]

Cultivating Greater Self-Efficacy Through the Times I Dealt with Adversity

Some things I remember I've survived a very desperate situation, it's always a situation where I was "saved" like some sort of miracle that happened to me.

The other things were just events that just sort of passed by like a natural calamity, there's nothing I could do to stop and they just left me destroyed that until now I'm still rebuilding myself piece to piece because the trauma hasn't left my body.

I'll start with the good ones.

When I was young I used to have separation anxiety. I get so scared of my safety whenever my mom would leave me for work. One time she left me in my grandma's sisters house. I was crying and she got mad, she forced me to drink milk and I didn't want to. It was horrible. And then my mom's cousin came and she took me out, dressed me, bought me some bbq and took me to the bank with her. It was fun.

2. Another time was on my first days in kindergarten. I was feeling unsafe and awkward unlike the children who already knew each other. But one of the girls made friends with me and we started catching small frogs, her name was Danica.

(will rewrite this later)

3. 6th grade girl scout lunch money

4. Uncle Bert

[hopeididntscareyou]

I Am Trash

It wasnt extreme and edgy like all the other ones I've seen before, but it definitely fucked me up in the head for awhile, i still have some leftover lingering energy from it. This is what happens when you consume disturbing content. I don't recommend it. I only did because I'm aware of my own self sabotaging activities, its either that way or another. But I wish I didn't honestly. If i had the choice I would want to erase all my knowledge about extreme cinema. Everything. I would be a peaceful person probably.

Something you cant find in me is peace. My world is a chaotic roller coaster, not a steady wave. It can be a curse but I consider it as a blessing.

[hopeididntscareyou]

lol i was blindsided again

[hopeididntscareyou]

racisms to mailand africans

[hopeididntscareyou]

begotten

[hopeididntscareyou]

epstein victims

[hopeididntscareyou]

i can spend a lot of time with degenerate and hedonistic people but tbh i am more really attracted to moralfags. I'm immature i do admit that but I have strong morals and at the end of the day i stick to it. I'm sorry but it truely disgusts me when I see something wrong but its normalized and how people justify it. For example- cheating

[hopeididntscareyou]

Therapy/HR speak has co-opted people’s brains to think relationships are transactional and it’s somehow “healthy” to suddenly cut people off for being a bit annoying and having trouble dealing with complex feelings (and not the outright narcissistic and unempathetic sociopathy that it is). This isn’t cutting someone off for being abusive and manipulative for years on end, or leaving the door open for them if they change. This is just saying “don’t waste time on others that don’t make you feel good all the time.”

Ironic considering these people think they’re empathetic and that society has been corrupted by capitalism and yet they run their life like a fucking cutthroat business “This is no longer explicitly beneficial to me, so I’m out”

[hopeididntscareyou]

i'm not going to be stressed anymore about things that are no longer serving me. i already did a lot. ive done a lot. its time for me to choose myself

[hopeididntscareyou]

'suko ang dignidad'

'benta ang dangal'

i relearned new words today :)

[hopeididntscareyou]

Sometimes I feel I've got to run away I've got to get away From the pain you drive into the heart of me

The love we share seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you Now I run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all I could give you Take my tears and that's not nearly all Tainted love

[hopeididntscareyou]

i don't believe people anymore.