holyfestivalheart

[holyfestivalheart]

Longing For The Stars

When I was young I would lay in my bed at night looking out into the night skies of Northern Ontario. I had the top bunk in a bedroom that I shared with my 3 sisters, and it was there that I would find myself calling out to those skies and pondering my existence. Even to this day, when I look at the stars, I feel a deep longing for ‘home.’ I believe each of us is equipped with a ‘homing-mechanism’ that is our soul and it is always directing us back home, to pure love and divinity. I have felt out of place on earth, and when I stargaze I feel as if my soul is being called back home. There has always been comfort and belonging for me amongst the stars. One night, when I was around 8 or 9 years old, I sat up in my bed, gazing out my bedroom window in the darkness, and looked up to the stars. My eyes settled upon a constellation that looked very much like an arrow to me. For whatever reason, this arrow brought such alleviation to me that I decided to name it “My arrow.” I vowed that whenever I could, no matter where I was, I’d look up to the night sky and try to see if I could find it. If I could find it, it meant that I was where I was meant to be. From that night, anytime I turned my head towards the heavens at night, without needing to look hard, I could spot my arrow. It was always exactly where I had first settled my eyes. Even years later, and now into my adulthood, I can look up at the sky and find my arrow. It wasn’t until recently that I learned this arrow is actually part of Orion’s belt and that the arrows point/tip is actually a star called Mintaka.

It is believed that the Mintakan are the original light workers. According to Rebecca Campbell They are “a group of souls who originated on a planet in the constellation of Orion and were the first starbeings to travel to earth.” Mintakan souls are said to have a deep longing for ‘home.’ I resonate with this remarkably. I could never put my finger on the deep yearning I have always felt. The best way that I’ve been able to describe how I feel is that I’ve gotten lost on a long journey. It’s as if I made a wrong turn somewhere and ended up at a place where I know that if I stay too long, I’ll get stuck and forget how to get back home. My longing for the stars, my discovery of this arrow with the point of Mintaka is not by accident. I believe my soul has always been calling me towards all of this and that I need to understand that for now, earth IS my home. I am here at this time for a reason. I have work to do and I won’t get lost or stuck. I belong here and everywhere. My soul is a starseed and I am welcoming earth as my ‘for now’ home in this lifetime.

[holyfestivalheart]

The Cost of Compliance

“Why on earth would you go and hire a midwife for your pregnancy? Don’t you know they’re the reason the rate of maternal mortality is on the rise here in Canada? I can’t believe you’d be so reckless with your pregnancy.” 

These were the words out of my doctors mouth as I sat in his office, heart shattered after experiencing my second miscarriage at 13 weeks gestation. Ironically, these would also be the words I would remember as I lay on a cold steel table, shaking uncontrolably from shock, bleeding out in an operating room after giving birth. I ooked into his panic stricken eyes staring down at me and said, “Don’t you DARE let me die.” Then, everything went black.

The moment I came face-to-face with my death would be a catalyst in my life, but it was not the beginning of me recognizing how being compliant in a medical system built to coerce and keep its power is costing lives. I had the fortune of a second chance, many others do not. There are names of birth givers who did not make it out alive, who’s voices and life have been wiped from the earth. And for what? The risks of being considered a “good patient” to your doctor is your life. The stakes are too high. We need to take our power back and shift the paradigm that is present for birthing families.

Countless others didn’t get the opportunity and privilege of using their voice, so I know I must use mine. I’ve been given an opportunity that I don’t intend to waste. It’s taken me time to process, heal, and be ready to share this. It is my story, my experience, and I know I’m not an outlier or unique case. My story is the story of so many people that have given birth and had their rights ripped from them in the name of “medicine and safety.” In the coming posts  you’ll read about the moments and experiences that led up to my near-death experience, the reasons why it happened, and what I did about it. 

The doctor that almost took my life from me is one not an outlier either. He didn’t “go rogue” he was performing as other health care practitioners do. He thought his say and power was ultimate, and wanted to make me comply with his wishes in order to make HIS job easier. None of his care was patient centred. His goal was to make sure money and power stayed in his hands, with his fist closed tight around them. This is what countless birth givers experience around the globe. They are simply a vessel and all that needs to be done TO them, will. We should not dare to think we have a say over what happens to our bodies and babies. That power belongs to the medical system. 

Yeah, fuck that. 

For anyone who has gone through medical trauma or abuse, I want to warn you that there may be stories that are triggering. My intention is not to re-traumatize anyone, but to bring to light the beauty that comes when we own our story. Taking my trauma and turning it into my story has been a decade of hard and at times, terrifying, work. There was a reckoning that took place for me. It was ugly and at times I didn’t think I’d make it to the other side of PTSD. I hope that whoever you are, you find your way through your grief and trauma, and come out of it healed and whole. 

#medical #medical system #maternity care #doctors #nurses #midwives #near death experience #on writing #memoir #women's health #obstetrical abuse #negligence #birth work #women's rights #advocacy #intersectional feminism