himynameistonya-blog

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idek: Part 4 of 4

I will be speaking with our police chief, and I will be speaking with the press. Because I know there is a better way, that there are solutions to the problems that we face within our community with lack of protection and safety. 3 deaths(That have been reported - I personally know of 2 other deaths that had happened as well one murder one overdose of a minor.), and 1 attempted murder all in a span of a week. There are ways to create safety within our community in a way that helps everyone including the police - I do not want to fight against them, I do not want to fight against Provincial Laws or Protocols. I want to work as a team to see the best outcome for our city, for our citizens. Because we deserve that - we deserve to live somewhere we are and feel safe and happy. We deserve to live somewhere that has a helpful community. There are ways around this problem, and some of them are very simple. *Instead of paying 6 million on changing the roads and speed limit downtown, invest that money into video surveillance throughout the city beginning in the downtown area, Neighbour Hood Watches, Increased Police Force (as they are short on staff) It would be really good for everyone to be aware that it is NOT required to have a Police Foundations degree to be hired, Any College or University Degree qualifies you for the position. There are many ways to create change. But becoming bitter from trauma is NOT the way.

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Idek: Part 3 of 4

I lost trust, and as a brotherhood they are one. Although, I know they are NOT the same. I FEEL like they are. Seeing the colour Grey sends me into an anxiety attack, as that's the colour of their uniforms. (how fucked up is the human mind ?) Knowing that I am NOT in the right healthy state of mind, I called my mom. I ranted and vented for an hour just screaming, literally screaming how I felt - From Humans shouldn't treat humans that way all the way to police brutality. After screaming for an hour Jeff had me lay down and try to nap.(As I did not even attempt to sleep last night.) It took me a bit because I just felt like "I need to be awake, what if someone comes on my property ?" "what if this guy returns ?" What if after what if after what if. I convinced myself it was okay because Jeff was awake, and was able to fall asleep. Jeff got up out of bed to go downstairs after I had fallen asleep, and I immediately woke up. and I didn't want to sleep alone - because of those wonderful "What Ifs" I tried to change them around "What if everything is okay" "What if I nap I wake up and I feel more regulated ?" "What if I take this nap and it does me more good than it does bad ?" I questioned every possible positive what if - and got myself back to sleep. When I woke up - I didn't feel better. We ate dinner and I cried at the table. I called my mom back, and asked her to take me into crisis so that I could speak to a counsellor about my experience and to find resources to assist me through this unhealthy mindset and feeling. Of course she brought me in and I spoke to someone about the entire ordeal, the ins and outs of my emotions, I showed her video footage I took of the distance of the cop on scene to the end of my driveway who would offer no help. She said to me "I am trying to remain as professional as I can, but I'm positive my face is showing... I am appalled for you, it IS wrong, you are NOT being dramatic about the event and you SHOULD report this." I think that's exactly what I really needed to hear (and a BUNCH of other things) like reminding me that not all cops are the same, not all cops are bad and unhelpful. My mom was in the session with me and reminded me of the police I knew personally such as my Cousins, and a few Friends.) she reminded me of the times Police helped me such as when my friend and I's car broke down 2 hours from the sault and the Sault police drove us back home, and a bunch of other things.. Its good to reminder the good. It's also good to remember that every situation we are faced with perhaps, we were created for such a time as this. That there is a bigger purpose to what is happening. That there is something that needs change, and that I have the ability to contribute to the changes. Starting with - Treating cops in ways I myself would want to be treated, regardless of if they help me or treat me a specific way or not. I do regret yelling at the cops to get out of my yard, but i don't regret voicing my feelings and opinions.

[himynameistonya-blog]

idek: Part 2 of 4

I'm torn between "I helped you and you wont help me ?" I'm torn between "I want to save our community and I want it to burn to the ground." I'm torn between "Cops are helpful and Cops are unhelpful." I'm torn between "Feeling safe, And Feeling In danger." I'm torn. My heart has been torn, my mind has been torn, reality isn't reality. I see Police - and I immediately go into a panic attack, my whole body sets fire, It becomes difficult to think or breathe, I start uncontrollably crying, My filter is non-existent, And I become paranoid beyond belief and all I can think is "Get them away from me." Which is absolutely NERVE wrecking living near an active murder crime scene with groups of 5-6 Cops walking through my yard at their own disposal. Over the period of time of the murder discovery and now there have most definitely been well over 20 Police that have approached me and my family requesting assistance, or just straight up wandering my yard. Today When we returned home I swear they had every freaking cop in this city walking my streets and entering my yard, over and over and over and over. I understand that they are looking for things to assist them and their case. And I respect that. But I do not respect THEM, and their protocols. And like stated I have ZERO filter when I'm in an anxiety attack, I just talk and can't stop it. I yelled at the police to get out of my yard, that I wasn't helping them because they couldn't be bothered to help me. Jeff deescalated the situation and informed them of our evening before. I understand that they were not the cops on duty, that even if they WERE that it's "protocol" ? maybe (I don't believe that's protocol but I will be going to the Chief of Police On Monday to communicate my concerns.) I can't place blame where it is not due, I understand that. While I'm coherent and self-regulated. But when I'm dysregulated and in an attack I do not care, they become one in the same their uniforms were the same, their faces were the same, The whole lot of them were no different. I told them I didn't want them there, I did NOT feel safe with them in my yard or around me. Because this is how I truly felt, and continue to feel.

[himynameistonya-blog]

idek: Part 1 of 4

I made this post and within a few days Trauma was knocking at my door. It is still a fresh wound so it's understandable for the ways I feel, The emotions that I express as well as the physical actions. I've lost trust in our police force, they let me down in such a way that I myself don't know how to self-regulate. (This is going to be a long entry put into 4 parts) Without giving too much details into the event: *Active Murder Investigation A Few Houses Down From Me *Police @ My Door Requesting Footage From My Cameras *I Happily Assist Them In Any Way I Can -Late That Evening- *A Man & A Woman Attempt To Break In & Steal Things *Man Pulls Out A Knife & Threatens To Take My Family's Lives. *I Run To Active Investigation Site A Few Houses Down *Cop Tells Me They Can't Leave & Can't Call It In For Me" *Jeff Pulls Out Bigger Knife & Scares Them Away *Man Says "I'll Be Back And I'll Stab Your Family" *2 Odd Hours Police Arrive. *Nothing Gets Done & They Are Still On The Streets. I've been struggling between the healing it and getting better and denying it and getting bitter. I am a very level headed person but I feel like this trauma has shook me to the core (and no one was even hurt, thank-fully.)

[himynameistonya-blog]

Picking insects off of plants no time to think of consequences.⌛️

Enjoy yourself, take only what you need from it ⏳

This is our decision to live fast and die young

We've got the vision, now let's have some fun

Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do ?

Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute ✌🏻

Memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror, decisions to decisions are made and not fought and I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot, I guess not 🤷‍♀️🥴

We are fated to play pretend.

Yeah, I'll miss the boredom

And the freedom and the time spent alone

Me and my friends understand the future

I see the strings that control the system

I can do anything with no resistance

'Cause I can lead a nation with a microphone

Walkin' on the streets of DC

On the East Coast

we ride until we die

Well there's a place inside, Walk this way

You know.

I can split the atom of a molecule

we would change a thing or two

We would change the way you think

We would change the way I think

We would change the way they think

Drivin' and I won't stop

And it feels so good to be alive and on top

My reach is global

My tower secure

My cause is noble

My power is pure

I can hand out a million vaccinations

Have 'em all healed of their lacerations

Have 'em all killed by assassination

I can make anybody go to prison

Just because I don't like 'em

And I can do anything with no permission

I have it all under my command because

I can guide a missile by satellite

And I can hit a target through a telescope

And I can end the planet in a holocaust

[himynameistonya-blog]

I spent my time watchin'

The spaces that have grown between us

And I cut my mind, on second best

All the scars that come with the greenness

And I gave my eyes to the boredom

Still the seabed wouldn't let me in

And I tried my best

To embrace the darkness in which I swim

Now walkin' back, down this mountain

The strength of a turnin' tide

Oh the wind's so soft, and my skin

Yeah the sun was so hot upon my side

Oh lookin' out, at this happiness

I searched for it between the sheets

Oh feelin' blind, but realized

All I was searchin' for was me

all I was searchin' for was me

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Keep your mind set, keep your hair long

Oh my, my darlin'

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Keep your mind set in your ways

But, Keep your heart strong

And I saw a friend of mine the other day

And he told me that my eyes were gleamin'

Oh I said I had been away, and he knew

he knew, the depths I was meanin'

And it felt so good to see his face

All the comfort invested in my soul

to feel the warmth, of a smile

When he said "I'm happy to have you home"

"I'm happy to have ya home"

Oh, yeah..

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Keep your mind set, keep you hair long

Oh my my darlin', keep your head up, keep you heart strong

Keep your mind set in your ways

Keep your heart strong

'Cause I'll always remember you the same

eyes like wild flowers, with your demons of change

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong Keep your head up, keep your heart strong)(Keep your head up)

May you find happiness there

May all your hopes all turn out right (keep your heart strong)

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

No, no, no, no (keep your heart strong)

Keep your mind set, keep you hair long

Oh my my darlin', keep your head up, keep your heart strong

No, no, no, no

Keep your mind set in your ways

Keep your heart strong

'Cause I'll always remember you the same.

eyes like wild flowers, with your demons of change

Everything I ever knew came from you.

Everything I wanna be, that's in me,

That comes from me

Open up your fist and let me out

I was made to run around

And let me feel the air beneath my feet

Let me go

And I know not everybody gets a new life

And I know not everybody gets to start over again

But I do know what I'm doing with my new life…

I'll build it up, break it down, build it up

Build it up,

Build it up,

You can fly away too, that's on you

But don't tell me what I cannot do.

I can tie on my shoes and put on my coat

I'm living a history, the one that I wrote.

I know what I'm doing with my new life

I'll build it up, break it down, build it up

Build it up, bre Everything I ever knew came from you

Everything I wanna be, that's in me

That comes from me

Open up your fist and let me out

I was made to run around

And let me feel the air beneath my feet

Let me go

And I know not everybody gets a new life

And I know not everybody gets to start over again

But I do know what I'm doing with my new life

I'll build it up, break it down, build it up

Build it up, break it down

Build it up, break it down

You can fly away too, that's on you

But don't tell me what I cannot do

I can tie on my shoes and put on my coat

I'm living a history, the one that I wrote

And I know not everybody gets a new life

And I know not everybody gets to start over again

But I do know what I'm doing with my new life

I'll build it up, break it down, build it up

Build it up, break it down, build it up

And everything I ever knew

Everything I ever knew

And I know not everybody gets to start over again (everything I ever knew)

But I do know what I'm doing with my new life (everything I ever knew)

Build it up, break it down, build it up (ooh, everything I ever knew came from you)

Burn it up, break it down, build it up

You can fly away too, that's on you

ak it down, build it up

And everything I ever knew

Everything I ever knew

And I know not everybody gets to start over again (everything I ever knew)

But I do know what I'm doing with my new life (everything I ever knew)

Build it up, break it down, build it up (ooh, everything I ever knew came from you)

Burn it up, break it down, build it up

You can fly away too, that's on you

[himynameistonya-blog]

I haven’t journaled online in 9 months before today. So a lot has happened in the amount of months it takes to create a baby, I have not ! Wooo hooo 😂 I have however recreated myself and have been discovering so many things out in the world and universe !

Firstly I am currently in the aviation program to become a private pilot. The course is awesome, my instructor is awesome ! ✌️ (and hella tall ! How does he even fit in a Cessna ?) I’ve learned how technically airplanes fly, air pressures, cloud formation and all that other meteorology stuff 🥰😍 which is DOPE cause I have already had a bit of understanding reading the sky, living where I do in the country Lmao we use the clouds to identify what kind of weather we will have ! I also have begun to learn HOW TO CREATE CLOUDS ! my instructor said one thing he enjoys doing while flying, that is just for fun. Is cloud formation around the wings of the plane ! And he said he would absolutely teach me in more detail how it’s done, but that I’ll understand and learn it more easily while in flight so he’d give me a run down of it more once we exit ground school 💪🏻✌️ we’ve also covered airlaw which honestly is so similar to driving a car, only…. Opposite 😂 (yeah I explained that one terribly…just like one example, when passing airplanes it’s the opposite side to pass as you would a car 💕) it’s also interesting to note that flying over Antarctica is technically legal just no airlines go that way (outside of military) and no one really travels there cause (by asking pilots (ironically all say the same thing lmao) “it brings you nowhere. There’s no advantage to going there it will just make your trip longer, and more expensive in fuel. No point to go there. But I’m sure you COULD if you wanted to.”

Alright in other news, we also have an ambulance…. I think I’m hitting a midlife crisis. I’m DEFINITELY hitting a midlife crisis.. but it’s more fun than I thought it would be.

I’ve studied a multitude of languages and dialects. I’m pretty fluent in semiotics now 🫶🏻 I’ve expanded my spiritual studies into teachings, as well as providing counselling (as getting into a counsellor will take months to years here - cause there’s little to no support, and where there is, they are overwhelmed and at capacity.) so I offer counselling to those in need. 🫶🏻

I’ve also been touching base on natural energy

And I’ve come across a pretty LEGIT source of electrical power but I’ve been told that someone was killed over that knowledge😂😂 some humans are wild lol

[himynameistonya-blog]

Today was a wild day that has brought a lot of perspective to me. And has also enforced I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to be doing.

I always believe that those who are meant to cross paths do. I also believe ALL humans are worthy of help and love.

Shortly After returning home there was a knock on the door. And a stranger with bags, pajama pants, and a face full of tears stood at the door.

Turns out their mom had once lived in the home I have now. And clearly they were out of contact with many family members. Others may see this as a red flag to close the door and turn away. But I think that’s disgusting. We are one, we are all human and deserve warmth, caring, love, and support.

I spoke with them for some time about their situation, sharing bits of my own personal traumas that were similar to their experiences, and encouraged them along a path of resources in our city.

The first shelter we contacted was at full capacity and we were redirected to another. There were impairments, and things were loopy for this person, but I know I handled it with grace and love ! - when typing a number for services into their phone they had extreme difficulty. I allowed them to try on their own to see their limit. Once I was aware of their limits I requested to help. “Oh man ! Dang technology it’s always a dink to work with ! Especially when it’s been out in the cold, would it be okay if I tried for you ?” Of course they said “Yes please !” We got the correct number in and dialed, we got them all set up with a room, and a cab to transport them there 🫶🏻 ((AND IM INCREDIBLY PROUD OF THEM FOR MAKING THE CALL THEMSELVES !))

This is a HUGE thing many DO NOT KNOW about homeless shelters here. IF YOU DO NOT REQUEST THE ROOM ON YOUR OWN BEHALF…. YOU WILL NOT BE A PRIORITY FOR A ROOM ! You MUST go 100% VOLUNTARILY WITHOUT someone doing it in your behalf.

They said they had anxieties on the phone. I told them BRO me TOO ! let’s do it together ! I walked them through what to say, and let them know if they needed anything I was right there to help ! And I did when requested of me 💕🫶🏻

And we did it … THEY DID IT !!! 💕🥰💕🥰💪🏻 they thanked me for getting them to make the call and told me it helped them having me there 🥰💪🏻

—- I wanna highlight something said, repetitively “I am so embarrassed”

From the time I opened the door to the time I walked them out. The words “I am so embarrassed” poured out from their vocal cords more times I’d care to admit ! OF COURSE I Would have NONE of that in my home. I told them. “bro, are you kidding me right now ? We are all human, we all have our lows there is nothing you should be embarrassed about, you’re human.”

Wearing pajamas ? Cool bro I am too ! (Real talk) they said “yeah but, you are at home I’m walking the streets” I said “I legit JUST got home from a meeting.. in which, I went in my pajamas ZERO SHAME HERE BRO ZERO !” They said “you went out like that ?” I’m like “fuck yeah I did, who cares ? Strangers I’ll never see again ohh nooo.. it’s comfy i was running late.. you get what you get.” “Okay but I’m crying all over my makeup is everywhere am I bleeding ? I’m bleeding” all with tears ! Like BRO !! I bleed too I’m bleeding right now ! I’m on my period we all bleed man again.. YOU ARE HUMAN. You’re crying ? Cool you have feelings and strong emotions that you need to let out, you don’t think I cry ? Snot bubbles puffy eyes I’m a mess man… LET IT OUT. YOU ARE HUMAN ! ((And I got a hug ! — please note this entry has no order - much like my life lmaaaaoo))

Why do humans forget so often that they are humans ? And shame one another for flaws and mistakes ? Gross. We are all messy ✌️⭐️

We talked more about what was going on with them and I offered the advice I give to many of my clients in similar situations. I think the most impressive thing I myself did was remember that I needed to ask permission for physical contact.

It’s so hard for me to not dive bomb and hug someone when they are crying or feeling hurt. All I want to do, is give them ALLLLL OF MY ENERGY AND LOVE !

They were standing in my porch and I asked “is it okay if I give you a hug ?”

And immediately their arms opened up and I SQUEEEZEDDD TIGHT !!

some people say no. And that’s okay. But I know hugs are healing and when I have the opportunity to hug someone, anyone. I will. It’s healing for BOTH people.

Anyways.

We spoke lots, we charged their phone, and gave them a musical magic oracle deck (an oracle deck I created based off of song lyrics that are motivational and bring people up from dark spots 💪🏻 each card includes Spotify codes to each song. ) cause they said how music is a coping tool that helps them feel better 💪🏻🫶🏻💪🏻 and I have a whack ton .. I friggin made them.. lol so I gave that ! And my phone number.

They got into the cab after giving me lots of hugs !!! 😍😍🥰😍 and a promise to keep in touch (it doesn’t always happen) off they went to continue their healing journey !

They told me I was very good at what I do.

They told me that they were so grateful it was me to open the door

They told me I helped them.

And that, makes my low quiet no money making days — WORTH IT.

I’m good at what I do

I’m a healer

I’ve been through sh!t.

So I know how to get out of sh!t

And I effin’ am gonna pull this city OUT OF THE DARKNESS

Fuck homelessness

FUCK ABUSE

💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

Finally. I feel like I’m making change in my own back yard. Im on the right path ! 🥰😍🥰 I fucking did it bing bong !!!

I’m finally becoming the human I was meant to be here 🥰 a healer 🥰

[himynameistonya-blog]

A couple nights ago I had a pretty wonky donkey dream.

I received a text message, but the screen was odd and awkward to read clearly as it was multicoloured and statiky looking. Within the messages I could make out “SaultSaint Mari.e” and that who ever was texting was there. (Or here depending how you interpret it.)

I saw the message, looked away and was standing which I can only at this time describe it as the bush plane museum (as its right on the water) there was this black platform of some sort that I couldn’t 100% identify, but it was flat and sturdy and pretty big.

A tall guy stood on it wearing a black t shirt and blue jeans. Then I woke up.

Yay sleep world.

[himynameistonya-blog]

Today I’m grateful for the foundation work that is required to get to where you are meant to be.

I’ve held myself back from true potential by skipping necessary steps.

I’ve been reaching and jumping at the ladder but it seems my t-Rex arms can’t quite grasp it.

I’m going back, and I’m going to do my training properly, I won’t walk around hoops because “I already know that” and don’t want to be bothered, I’ll get the full foundation, do the homework and studies. - I’ll do teamwork missions even though I dodged them last time around.

I know there’s lots out there waiting to be explored, and sometimes you get more out of it when you don’t go alone 💕

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[himynameistonya-blog]

Sometimes being happy feels like an impossibility, and that no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to do it right enough to create enough dopamine to get by.

Sometimes the universe kicks us down to show us what we don’t deserve.

We all have our lows. Its not about the low it’s about the perspective that you see that leads you to your destination.

Begin looking at struggles as lessons and fears as opportunities, and start self-producing that dopamine. 💕

Stay wild moon child 🥰

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