herestoallmydreams

[herestoallmydreams]

Been A Whileeeeee!

it’s been 6 years since I’ve written anything & a lot has happened in this time! 

-graduated college

-worked at a private school

-it became toxic

-jobless/ on the huntttttt ---- in my feels & connected with art again

-worked at a public school 

-was burdened & sick from mistreatment of a student & me (employee)

-decided to leave bc no benefits & fulltime with that mistreatment

-got a full-time & stuck it out

-CORONA virus & q’s of job again with possible district switch

I think that is a pretty accurate timeline of major events that have happened in my life over the span of 6 years. I also have grown so much in self discovery & development.... Grown stronger in my confidence, abilities, financial literacy, and understanding what I like/ don’t in relationships and dating.

Yea, I said relationships & dating!! bahahaha I think this is the biggest one here! I didn’t include this in my life update bullets but this has def been a large area of growth for me over this span.... starting with the fact that I actually have some experience to talk about that is “real.” Not to say that college crushes, summer fun romances & a “friendly” first make out are not real, but I actually fell in love.... with an older guy overseas in the summer of 2015. I was 23 and he was 31(8 year difference) and we were in love. I resisted the whole way through but it grew strong for me and I lost myself a bit in the process. 

Essentially, what I was afraid of happened... I didn’t wanna love him more, care more and feel unloved and uncared for. but that is what happened after 2 years together. I was all in and pulled back from flesh temptation bc I knew If we’d be together in person the expectation would be there so I treated it like if i wanted it to be my forever and resisted. That created more distance & made me feel more unloved. It hurt like hell in short. I turned to manipulation and I cried way more than I should have. But it’s done. I miss the companionship but I missed it months before we were “officially” done. 

Then oddly enough years later online dating apps has become a huggge industry and a really big trend. Hope & Ayo both met their  bf’s on their and encouraged me to get out there and date.

In 2018 and 2019 I still was “getting over” my ex in a way, but each year I felt better. By 2019 winter, I made a profile & started swiping. It was good to think of myself and dating.... experiment and get out there in a way. I went on A LOT of first dates and chatted with numerous guys to potentially date. It was fun and exciting. I found different people brought out different sides of me and I enjoyed getting to know new people and myself in the process. 

3 guys stood out most in my short 6 or so months of dating, Atabek, Mark & Tolga. 

-----First off Atabek was a beautiful man. I was most attracted to him but when we dated I think I was too unsure of what I wanted. He asked what I was interested in & I didn’t say one way or the other. I wanted to see him more (most of everyone I went out with but sadly it didnt really work out. I didnt hear from him.) 

------Mark was a black guy and a good person to text with. I enjoyed conversation but he didn’t seem ready to really date me. IDK if it was he didnt want things to be to serious or what.... He took forever to go out with me but i think it was an alright date all n all. With him i learned to let the guy be the gentleman--- if he tries to do something for me, don’t resist. Also, be myself but don’t be too much myself to scare him. (blew out my afro and it was hugely huge that day hehehe 

------Lastly was Tolga, ohhh Tolga. He was really good looking too like Atabek.... but in a more youthful kind of way. He was younger and very eager to date me. I think it was really that he was really eager to have a girlfriend. We went out 4 times in a couple weeks but texted/knew each other for a long time. With him I learned that I shouldn’t be too much in my head, but also if my gut is telling me something is missing then listen too.

 With him there were little things that i noticed as “red flags.” He associated with black culture & felt knowledgeable enough to speak on things bc he had black friends. also he was “pressed” to be exclusive. I should have let him kiss me at some point (ie get outta my head with it) but also i think a part of me knew that he was more superficial and I wanted to be with someone i connected with more on a deeper level. Mark i connected with more on a deep level but he was to wishy washy. Atabek I connected more on a physical level with him and some on a deep/ cultural level but I was the wishy washy one. 

Throughout all of this I know more of myself & what I am looking for. I am someone who takes time to grow to really like someone.... enough to want to call them and talk. I have to connect on a deep level and in order for my real attraction to develop for someone. I am also a bit fearful that I will let my guard down and love someone but their love wont be as strong and true as mine.

I want to be in a relationship where the love grows stronger and isn’t fleeting. One where he is patient and kind to me and takes the time to get to know me and love me. I want a slow roasted marinated kind of love, not a microwave minute kind of love. I want to be in a relationship with a man who is sure of himself and secure in himself in a way that he is cool with waiting to woo me and for me to let my guard down. Lastly, I want a man who will communicate with me when something is not working. One who can communicate gently but firmly what he wants and needs and is open to hear the same for me. I want to be clear in what i want and need too & be able to communicate that in a way that is gentle & firm too. 

Building security in a personal relationship with self allows for building security in a personal relationship with someone else. Being vulnerable with yourself and facing those things helps you to do so with your partner too. I saw that with each of these connections I built over the last few years too & I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned & how I’ve grown. 

I think at this point in life I have certain ideas about what my life should look like & where I wanna be when I meet/date the right guy, but honestly, heaven only knows. In my mind I want it to be in a couple years still, but in my heart, I think I’m really ready to be in a committed relationship. I saw myself being in a short dating relationship and getting married after a year or so of courting.... but I am open to dating for a little more of an extensive time (2-4 years) to get thing in order financially from this point in life. 

I’m 28 years old. Age is only a number but it does feel different when friends around you start to pair of and start their new lives together. It’s a beautiful thing. Most of the time I am happy for people but i have to watch myself. I have noticed at brief times quick flashes of jealousy like “how did they get to buy a home on their own” or wow, i can’t believe that they are getting married, having kids, or ohhh gosh another person from college is married. It has been interesting at times. Even people younger than me, finding love or being in a relationship. Sometimes hope complains but Im like hey, it’s something great ya got there. 

I know everyone is different though and I am def not Hope or Ayo or Morgan or any of my other friends. I am me & I gotta keep faith that someone right is out there for me & trust in God’s timing and plan. He works things so that I can learn along the way & this way, when it is time for me to be with the right person, I will be the right person.

Anyways, this post was very very long but it’s been a while. :) kinda glad i have a space for this bc quarantine has been making me a lil loopy the last couple weeksssssss. That and period hormone thingssss mehh. 

the end for now!

[herestoallmydreams]

Recent Changes Within Me

A few weekends ago I let loose for the first time ever really & accidentally got drunk with fairly new friends. I was able to have a lotta fun & just not have a care. I was concered bc I'm always the responsible one, always the perfect role model that ppl held there kids too & I could sense it. I was just being me but I really didn't like that job. I'm noone's golden child & I'm a college kid like everyone else. And this experience where I wasn't able to control & overthink every move I made was awesome. I didn't like being a drunk at first but I couldn't change it so I had to go with it. And I really had a good time w ppl who weren't even my true party ppl. This made me look forward to my next encounter w alcohol when I got to go to my old school to kick off my spring break. I drank without a care... I mean I knew my limits and ddnt go overboard. I had fun dancing the night away with friends, eating junk food & sharing stories. The second night I even had an encounter with one of my guy friends which was very unexpected. He honestly never even crossed my mind in that way. And although I was kinda screwed up with my overthinking even while drunk with him, I think things were still ok. I'm learning and growing & I know it's good I'm a thinker but I realize I shouldn't overthink everything. Drinking has helped me grow to realize that I don't have to be that perfect example for everyone. If people hold me to a high standard and think of me as perfect or something that's on them. I never said I was perfect. I can tell these experiences have changed me, but not in the bad way that I would use to think. Obviously, I shouldn't let things change me completely bc some values I need to stay true to but, other things I can loosen up about. So what I made out with one of my guy friends. It was nice... First make out sesh & it was with a white guy at that! Haha but he likes j cole so that's cool. Honestly, It was very unexpected that he picked me up & kissed me & even more unexpected that I kissed him backbut hey, were young. We can have fun w/o things being awkward. Although I may have made things a little awkward at one point when I kept thinking aloud but it's cool. I'm getting better & learning for next time. I don't need to be rude to every guy because I know they aren't husband material. I'm a 21 year old for goodness sake & I don't need to be settling down! Now is my time to be young and be free. I can do that and still be me. I can still stay true to that girl everyone knew. I've always been a late bloomer but as the saying goes 'better late than never!'

[herestoallmydreams]

This has been buggin me

I gotta get this off my chest. I cant hold it any longer. I tried to let it go before & i did. but tonight, she brought it all back.

Bria annoys me because she is dating my brother. Well, technically that is not the reason. She annoys me bc like a lotta ppl who annoy me and dont realize it, she bugs me because she cant put herself in other peoples shoes. she is comfy in hers & 

[herestoallmydreams]

The battle for Positive

For a little over a year now I could sense a battle within me... A fight to stay positive & strong... To not let things get me down. I know we all have these battles in our minds & thats a reason why i really love quotes bc I need those words of encouragement & I wanna share them to encourage others as well. But anyways, the fight is getting tougher. I feel like I've been breaking a lot more often and more frequently & I don't like it. I need to find new strength, new joy, and true peace to really kick this one because its up and down every week, every day. No one in my life realizes it but at times I'm hanging on by a thread.... & I'm done. I'm done with this wild roller coaster. It's whirlwind of emotions inside & it's gotta come to an end. I can't take living like this.

[herestoallmydreams]

Ready to give up

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I really don’t. I’m stuck in a cycle of wasting time & money… I can’t anymore I really can’t. I hate pretending that its all good when it’s not. What am I suppose to do? I’m lost without a clue…

[herestoallmydreams]

New start but old feelings

Well the new semester is starting and i want to start off positive and optimistic. I have made many goals for the semester and im excited to see them come to pass but i need to get on the ball with my major stuff bc its holding me back from applying for scholarships, getting an organized schedule for the start of the year & just having the confident feelings id like for the new year. 

My first semseter at DSU was a rough one but, i finished. I got a 4.0 but the math class i took and didnt get a C or higher in was a bust for me. I wanted to major in bio because it is general and can give me more time to think and decider what i want to do in life. But i dont want to be working on my undergrad forever. and failing that math class def set me back in my confidence and in my plan/aspiration. I was planning on switching to movement sci bc the courses arent as math intensive and i feel i wont struggle as much, but at the same time biology is the only thing i have been sure and confident in all this time.

I think im just going to wait it out. I cant run to find an easier way every time math challenges me. Even if it does take longer than expected, i want to keep pushing. I cant let those old feelings of doubt and fear come in again.

[herestoallmydreams]

Really want a dog

I be always wanted a dog ever since I could remember... Every Christmas I would ask for one until I was about 16. After asking every year & not getting one I decided not to ask when I turned 17. But for some reason this year I really really wanna puppy. I know I'm not getting one but that doesn't make me just stop wanting one. I think I really want one now that I'm back home... I can actually be her to take care of it & everything. I told hope I wanted one & she completely shot me down from that dream. I know she doesn't get it but it really hurt me. I think it hurt me so much bc I know a dog is an unconditional friend. Someone who's just there. Another being to warm the spirit when no one else can. Someone that know how you really are doing bc they can just sense it & can bring a smile to saddened heart. I want a dog bc I want a friend. A real friend who won't let me down or have fun without me. It goes back to my friends from Esu.... Not that I don't expect them to stop having fun & making memories bc I'm not there but it just hurts all over again to see the fun And be reminded of what I'm missing and reminded that my life won't ever be the same. I know change is good & I have to learn to appreciate the season I'm in, but it's just hard. It's really really hard. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea it would be this hard. It's even harder when I don't have anyone to talk to bc everyone that I would talk to is personally connected in some way. Sometimes I wish I just never went there. I wish I never went to Esu... My life would be suckish just like it is now but at least I wouldn't know how great it could be. It's like having a great dream and waking up and life is completely opposite than that dream. But at least in a dream you know it's a dream & it didn't actually happen. It's like I'm waking up from a beautiful dream to a sad one on the daily... Idk... Praying for peace... Continuous peace

[herestoallmydreams]

Once A Runner, Always A Runner

I really miss running.... a lot a lot :(

not so much the working out part bc i can still do that.... just being on a team, bonding with my team & the track. I really miss it. This is the first time in 11 years that I haven't been on some type or team running.....

I knew that i wouldnt run on a team forever but after the team i use to run on's season just started its starting to set in how much i really miss it. 

I know once a runner, always a runner & you always have that sense of team pride and camaraderie but i can honestly say its just not the same. I feel like there's something missing. 

I wanna maybe try & join DSU track team next year but at the same time i feel like the track chapter of my life is coming to a close & i gotta just learn to grown uo and accept. 

But like i said before, Once a runner, Always a runner 

My love for my sport remains ♥

[herestoallmydreams]

All this positive attention... Cute reminders

So heaven knows that I like most girls struggled w self image... Didn't think I was pretty or that anyone would ever like me. And I think when I got to college I stopped working so much about other people and looked at myself the way god sees me. Beautiful. I know I've come a long way and am happy w how god made me but I guess bc my lil sis and older bro are both in relationships that feeling or thought was trying to come back. I didn't receive it even though at times I had my doubts. I am just thankful to god to send me lil encouragements just to keep me from back sliding. In my English class the boy zaid kept trying to flirt w me and told me I was beautiful which made my day. ESP bc that day I didn't even feel 'beautiful' bc I just threw something on for class. Then another time a guy I thought was really cute & funny in my math class talked to me before class. It wasn't a big deal or anything but, we've both been early too class before and he's never said anything when I really wanted him to. And last but certainly not least, this guy in my philosophy class.... Oh was. He something to see. A light skinned guy who sat on the opposite side of the room... I always thought he looked good but if I saw him around I'd pretend not to see him so I wouldn't have to say anything. Anyways, all year I would try not to stare at him during class but Ocassionally I'd look over to his side of the room bc it was straight across from me... Sometimes id have a feeling he was looking at me too but I couldn't tell bc I didn't wanna be obvious. Well the last day of class I wore a long sweater, leggings boots and a red sweater & def felt cute but a lil self conscious at the same time. Well I came into class and I felt like he was Checkin me out & pretty much during the whole class as usual he was casually looking in my direction like I do. Well at the end of class he left first & was kinda blocking the doorway. Everyone takes their Time leaving that class and so I left right after him. Then he thought his friend was behind him and slowly started talking but when he turned around he realized it was me. We locked eyes for a few seconds, he looked me up and down as he moved to the side and he said, "you look very nice today" :) I smiled sweetly and said Thank You in a little perky cute voice and I kinda did the lil head tilt too. That was just the confidence boost I needed.

[herestoallmydreams]

I'm fragile..

I know I am & so that's w why I put up a front like I don't care & that's also why I push every guy who shows an interest in me away. I am too afraid that I'll get hurt. I know I can fall easy for someone who is nice & persistent so I pretty much shut every guy down.... I'm not approachable or I am but I'm too intimidating. I don't wanna be that and I realize I can come off that way but i guess it's best I'm like that bc them I'd prob fall for almost every guy to shoot me a couple compliments. I like the feeling of knowing someone's interested and thinks I'm attractive but I can wear my heart on my sleeve & it's just too risky for me. I'm writing now bc someone who I started to let down my guard and kinda fall for in HS tagged me in a post, wrote o my wall & liked a couple of my pictures. I was really crushing hard the summer of my sr year & I thought he was interested or at least wanted to hang out a couple times but it never worked out and we basically went our separate ways. I tell myself that I'm over him & I def am not as crazy about him as I was in HS but, obvi I still kinda like him... The main reason I'm questioning a lil is bc all of a sudden he is in my life again & this time bc of Eric .. He talked w him at some point & realized They have a lot in common funny thing is I already knew that. In fact I introduced him to my brother at Ollie's one time but he prob doesn't recall. Anyways, I don't want him to just try to be buddy buddy and being in my life now because of eric, I want to want to be my in my life bc he likes me for me. Idk tho, It's probably just me overthinking things again...thinking deeper into the situation than what it really is.I just have to give it some time & see if it Was just a fluke or is he genuinely interested in me for me & Eric helped remind him of that.

[herestoallmydreams]

School is so stressful! I've been feeling so discourage and I'm getting overwhelmed. I dont know how much more I can take. I think I want to take time off and I have said that multiple times before but my parents are really pushing me to keep going.

I'm already a year behind in my major because of transferring and switching majors a bunch of times. I am coming to grips with reality and I just wish I had better guidance. Some things I just cant get past. I want to just get a degree in something so I dont feel like ive been wasting my life in school. 

I thought about the military multiple times but the reality is that i still want to get a degree in something, even if i were to join the military. So i think i mine as well stick it out. I just dont know if the major im in right now is the one for me. In theory this is the perfect major because if its one thing i was always sure of is, that i liked biology. Of course majoring in it makes perfect sense but i just dont know now. After taking this intro math class and struggling to pass, idk. 

The math department is the way it is. People who are gifted with math dont understand how someone cannot understand it. to them its "so easy or so simple." but when it doesnt come naturally to you then it doesnt work the same way. 

I have faith that i can pass this class. I have to put in A LOT aka pretty much ALL my free time, but im willing to do it bc i have to. I just dont want this to be a constant struggle every single semester. Im only taking 12 credits now so its not too bad but what about later when i take 15, 16,17 or 18 credits. And the courses are only going to get harder. 

It sucks that i finally found what i want to do with my life. i was happy, excited and finally felt fufilled and at peace. now its been completely shot outta the sky. 

I feel so upset because its like the biggest fan of santa just found out he's not real. I honestly believed that you could do anything you wanted if you try. You could be anything you wanted if you just put your mind to it.

a small part of me still wants to believe that but reality is setting in. Some things that you wanna do you just cant. And if you do you want to keep doing it there will be overwhelming amounts of sorrow and stress. 

I sit and say i wish things were differnent and i wish things could change but the reality is that things arent different. In some areas it just is the way it is and there is nothing you can do to change that. 

I know the things that im saying aren't like the happy go lucky things i usually say but maybe its time for me to look reality in the eyes, face it, and grow up.