hemathievery

[hemathievery]

No actually.

It really hurt when I tried to be vulnerable with you earlier and then you changed the subject to center my body. That hurt a lot. I wished you could see me shine. See me do something I love and partake in that moment with me

And then you said it would be cool if you could capture my body to look at later.

You're a man.

04.06.24 | 11:04pm

[hemathievery]

Is something different or am I just starved???

Why won't he ask for me!??!?!?!? I'm gonna go fucking crazy!!!!!! I just want him to ask for me once!!!!!!! Are my hormones making me insane or am I just fuckitn crazy?!?!?!!!!?

I TOLD you I was starving for it too. Way to fucking forget. I feel like you haven't been around for forever. When I talk to you, you feel like you're engaging less unless it's about sex.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

04.06.24 | 10:49pm

[hemathievery]

I've been a real bitch lately.

I don't say what I want because I'm expecting him to just pick up on things.

I know I have to ask for what I want but I don't want to be too demanding

But im not even asking much, I don't think.

I just want concentrated affection...

I keep crying and crying and I can't stop

I'm sick to death of it all

And I'm sick of being a bitch about it too

But im also sick of waiting around to feel appreciated and prioritized.

But he prioritizes me...right?

I feel like I'm going crazy and maybe I'm just PMSing. We'll see how I feel in a week or two

Plus I'm just cracking under so much pressure, I'm so stressed out like all the time and nothing helps. I need a big fat break from everything.

I'm so lost right now and I hate it

I hate feeling disempowered. Why do I feel so fucking low?!?

This always happens after a bad doctor's visit. God it really sucks

I just wanna feel like a normal person with no4mal health issues...not two 300 numbers in one day

The borderline neuropathy doesn't help. I don't need another fucking problem.

Hes supposed to make me feel good but he doesn't know how I've been waiting for him to initiate more.

Even my tarot cards said I'm being too hard on myself and that my mindset is the problem. I do things to take care of myself but it can feel really useless a lot of the time.

04.06.24 | 12:45am

[hemathievery]

[hemathievery]

I know he probably fell asleep or something. But it really sucks to feel so blown off, like I wanted him to ask me to do something tonight, like, I've been waiting all week for him to ask me on a date and I still haven't seen shit. We hung out yesterday, but it was kind of brief and really informal. If he had asked me formally for a date then that will be something else and maybe I'm expecting too much or whatever, but I feel like I should learn from my previous experience so that I can expect things that are supposed to happen like dates.

And I know he probably fell asleep. And that's what ticks me off. Is that maybe I shouldn't be overreacting, but what if this isn't an overreaction? What if he really is losing interest because I'm not showing my body as much?

I hate feeling like I'm playing games here. Because I'm really not. I don't want to play games. I just want to feel loved.

And maybe I'm just hormonal. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I don't know, maybe I'm just on edge because of last time, I was told to listen to my heart but I don't really know what to think right now because I feel like maybe I'm just overthinking it and I need to trust more, but it's really hard to trust right now. Maybe I just need a good cry.

03.15.24

[hemathievery]

"I'm such a fool for you, my whole day revolves around you, and when I realized that I knew I had to have you as mine. I needed you so badly I didn't want to let you go"

I can't believe he said that about me, God it makes me melt, he really deeply loves me ♡ I'm awestruck

[hemathievery]

~~OLD POST, UNKNOWN DATE~~

I know I do feel for him, but I think the rational side of my brain has a firm grip on me.

Hes not mine yet, but I worry that a LDR might make it feel like he never will be.

I don't want to make him move for me but there's no way I'd move over there. I don't think I'd survive away from my friends, I love them far too much.

I've already risked myself by living with a man I was misguided about. We aren't actually compatible.

I can't help but worry if it would happen again.

But with him, I just feel so appreciated. I feel the earnestness in what he says to me, and his feelings are no doubt real. I know he'd do anything for me, I just don't want to *make him* do anything for me. This fantasy we are living in right now is nice. It's a safe place.

Until I have that talk with the one I'm living with.

Even so, I wonder if I simply need time to be me.

I want to see him so badly, to feel him, experience him in person and feel his real devotion.

[hemathievery]

Ok so now I've met him, he's sweet, he's kind, he treats me right, he excites me.

I could say a gazillion sweet things about him but the problem I always run into is how it "looks" from the outside.

I worry they'll think I can do better.

The simple answer is that I think he's the sweetest, I think he'd treat me so right.

I worry they'll think I'm rushing into things

I am, kind of. I certainly haven't held back with him, he's already traveled all this way for me, I've slept with him a few times already and I know I want to do it more.

I worry they'll think an LDR isn't sustainable...well i think it can be because I like him so much. He genuinely treats me like a person, he always talks about how impressed he is by me, but the problem I keep thinking of, the one that keeps persisting is that I don't wanna live in Kentucky. I don't feel it's fair to ask him to move away from his family, his friends. Then again, it's unfair to ask the same of me... I ask what if it's a waste of time, to pursue someone so far from me, who might not be able to move here.

Here is what I want:

I want a house someday, I want to make enough money for retirement, I want to live more comfortably, I want to be able to focus on my health and to do that I'll need money. Most of all, I don't see myself moving to Kentucky, I see myself staying in Texas because this is my home. This is where all my friends are, the ones who keep me creative, who encourage me to keep doing do. This is where my community is. I need to tell him soon. I need to sit him down for a phone convo and talk to him about where we are going now that we have met. I have spent too long being under the thumb of a man who never bent for me so I need one who will go above and beyond for me. If he doesn't see himself moving to Texas for me, this won't work. I do love him and I would love to be his, but if Texas isn't in his cards someday, I don't know that I can be either. This is where I belong.

[hemathievery]

"The world may be pretty but only because you're in it"

AAAAAAAAAAA SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPP AHSHFJEKWKSBDDGDE UR GONNA KILL MEEEE ♡♡♡♡♡♡

[hemathievery]

I was in such heavy denial lmao, I should put denial on my future resumes fr, like I'm so fn good at it

02.01.24

[hemathievery]

And I speak with Aphrodite all the time

About how much I'd like to make you mine

her whispers make me say these things

Your loving eyes, they give me wings

And your presence makes me weak

I'm wishing that I knew my Greek because

Your love can make me feel the way she wants me to

Honey, they put us together,

the seafoam and the weather,

Nothing in this world was just as blue

As I was before I met you

01.13.24 | 1:30am

#song lyrics #songwriting

[hemathievery]

Oh god it's so fucking real ♡♡♡ I'm so crazy in love, I'm ridiculously in love, help me ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ (don't help me, I'm in love)

01.03.24

[hemathievery]

I wanna fuckin flay him for the way the kitchen looks right now. I just wanna live on my fn own. The kitchen already looked better for the good 3 days he was gone.

01.02.24

[hemathievery]

I feel radiant with love for you my dear

Your love makes me glow inside and out.

01.02.24

[hemathievery]

Like why am I mad that you're tired.

Bitch like get over it.

Why am I mad that u left me hanging when I was trying to **** ur ****???

Ugh.

I hate being so gd petty and having these lame expectations

I don't hate ur cousin or anything I just hate sharing sometimes and I'm a gd BRAT. You've spoiled me fr. UGH!!!!

01.01.24

[hemathievery]

I know I'm down bad bc I reread your messages when you're gone...

01.01.24

[hemathievery]

New Years is still so fucking sad

01.01.24