healinggirl7

[healinggirl7]

He said I always wanna taök abput problems at the wrong time. So next time I let his secretary give me am appointment to talk in like 3 years its allright for u I guess.

[healinggirl7]

I am back again. I will comment on my relationship and our fights. I dont think we will ever change. I'm afraid we wont make it. I love him, but sometimes love isn't enough...

[healinggirl7]

1 Tag spöter. Scho wieder so heftog gstritte. Ich mag würkli eifach nüme. Ich bin so erschöpft würkli. Das chan doch nöd si.

Ich mag eifach so hert nüme.

[healinggirl7]

Maybe we are just not meant to be.

Idk.

In every fught like this I feel my heart detaching.

Breaking.

But also kinda not wanna do this anymore.

I dont wanna let myself always down.

I hope this wont stay like this forever.

I dont wanna live like this. Every day crying bc of him. It shoudlt be like that. We shouldt be fighting this hard. I hope it will get better. I cant liveblike this forever. I cant.

[healinggirl7]

I am not the first choice of my friends. E. doesnt really want me.

My family thinks I am annoying, stupid and a dissapointmend. A failure.

My bf only wants me for my body. He doesnt wanna talk with me.

All this leaves me thinking that I just nor worth it.

And it is so fucking hard to not sink in this. To dive deep into the pain and never getting up. To make ig even worse with pushing him away, being angry and listening to sad music and just cry.

I did all this.

But I am fighting with all I have to not drown in this again.

To not do sth. Stupid.

I just feel so unwanted again since a long time. And I kinda dont know how to stop feeling that.

I mean if he would care, he would have seen my tears my pain my inner scream.

I keep telling myself bad things.

Like "no one wants me".

And I keep believing myself. I just dont knoe how to stop it.

A

[healinggirl7]

How is verything that I ever do just wrong?

Why am I mever important enough?

I thought I was for him.

But obviously I am not.

I wish I could be more loveable.

But I am just not.

I am just not important.

Maybe I once was for him.

But not anymore.

He just doesnt give a fuck about me anymore.

I mean here I am, midnight, crying while he is sleeping.

He can sleep even though I am falling apart.

I feel so much pain and I even explained it to him.

But he just didn't care.

Why doesnt he care anymore?

Maybe because I just dont deserve love.

I am not enough.

I never will be.

I hate how he sais he loves me.

How can he say that while going to sleep while I am crying, breaking, hurting.

While I am here trying to keeo that promise I made just hours ago.

It's so hard sometimes.

I dokt know how it got so hard again.

I dont knwo hpw to fix me.

And I dont know if we will work out.

I mean I understand he is tired of me.

I am tired of myself too.

And life.

[healinggirl7]

He just doesnt care anymore

[healinggirl7]

He just doesnt care anymore

[healinggirl7]

I just realized that I havent changed as much as I thought. I am still the same sad anxious lonely person that I was 3 years ago. And it scares the shit out of me.

Why am I still not enough?

[healinggirl7]

I am just so stupid.

How can i evee think that a person would love me the same as I love them?

I am always the one who loves more.

Ofc it isnt as impoertant to him as to me to stay with me tomorrow as long as he can.

Its just not that important.

I am just not that important

[healinggirl7]

I thought I was better. Really.

How can everything just fall apart again?

Why am I still broken?

Why am I still not good enough for myself??

I wanna be enough, but I just dont let me.

What the fuck is wrong with my head?

Why is it so mean to me?

I dont wanna be so mean to myself.

I should be be my friend, why am I such a bad friend to myself?

Maybe I'll always be broken.

And maybe he'll realise that.

I'm so scared to bw too much for him. I dont wanna lose him.

I'm so fucked up sometimes, I cant even handle it. How should he?

I know it's gonna get better.

I love myself. I love my life. I love him.

How can a part of me ruin that all?

But i wont be my own worst enemy forever. I dont wanna be. It'll get better. I want this darkness to disappear. And I really hope one day I can defeat my inner demons. Cause I dont wanna be like this forever

[healinggirl7]

I am so broken.

How did I end up so fucked up?

I thought I was better. I was.

But I always crave the bottle. The pain.

When is this gonna stop?

I mean I love my life.

Everything.

I know what I wanna study. My relationsship with my mom is better. My relationship with my boyfriend ist just AMAZING.

But it seems like a part of me, no matter how greag my life is, will always be broken. But how can I fix it?

It's so scary that sometimes this broken part wins, in this moments, I smoke, I drink. And if it's really bad, I hurt myself.

Will this part every disappear?

It's so scary to have likw this other side. A dark side. How can I be so happy but also be so sad?

Not sad, empty. Lost. Lonely.

I dont know how to save myself.

I hate myaelf for cutting myself again. But at the same time I wanna cut myself again to punish me.

How can I stop this?

I am so lost.

[healinggirl7]

I mean I regret so many things right now.

Me learning french.

Me not apllying to those schools earlier.

It's like I only make mistakes.

Nothings ever right for me.

Because I don't know whats right for me.

I just dont know.

And this makes me sick.

How can it be that everyone is finding their way so easy in this life? And me? I am jsut struggling. With everything.

With my future. My studies. My friends. My realtionsship. My family.

I feel like it's all so hard. For me.

Why is everything so hard for me?

I dont want life to be so hard.

Why? So why is it always so hard for me?

[healinggirl7]

I feel like I am failing. I'm failing life.

Like everyrhing I do, it doesn't feel right to do it.

I am so scared. Of everything.

I just wanna find my way, do what I wanna do.

But I just don't know what it is. Where is my way? I cant see it trough those tears.

I am so lost.

What am I supposed to do?

I dont know what I should do.

I mean i know I am not alone but I feel so alone in this.

I cant sleep. I dont know how to sleep with all those fears in my head.

I just want it to be over.

I'm so fucking lost. And I just dont know how to find my way.

[healinggirl7]

I learned so much in this past few years. About myself. About others. About dating and relationships. About communication.

And he might be someone who is worth it.

Maybe not.

Would be ok.

He wont break me.

[healinggirl7]

I learned so much in this past few years. About myself. About others. About dating and relationships. About communication.

And he might be someone who is worth it.

Maybe not.

Would be ok.

He wont break me.

[healinggirl7]

Why do I need others to love me?

I mean I know my worth. I knoe I am amazing.

But why does nobody want me?

I think I am cute. And also pretty. Beautiful.

Why does no boy talk to me?

God I hate how I need the accreotance of thers to feel beautoful.

But isnt that what makes me human?

Its oksy that i want to feel desirable. Beautoful. Sexy.

I need that.

And I will feel that way this summer.

Im gonna be a hoe.

Confident. Sexy. Beautoful.

Please i need this