groovingwithshae

[groovingwithshae]

I think of her sometimes,

and it aches.

She never said sorry for her giggle and squeals,

She didn’t mask her excitement,

Joy,

For life and the living.

I wonder when it changed,

The love for life is something clawed at,

A desperation to hold on it,

It’s no longer within her nature,

The love for the living is bittersweet,

Drenched in melancholy

An understanding of love and to be loved,

What it causes,

What it means.

You watch the women in your life cry,

There is a pain to nurturing.

And in turn a pain to growing up,

You watch and you mold,

And you begin to weap one day.

And it just never stops.

You just are.

You are and you are and you are.

#I’m no longer a kid #love letters

[groovingwithshae]

I have lived my life constantly apologising.

But I will never apologise for caring.

Don’t hold it against me as if I should be embarrassed.

How dare I know your favourite songs and where the scar on your elbow comes from,

I remember.

I care.

I’m not afraid of being soft.

Don’t try make a mockery of me,

You’re making a fool of yourself,

mocking the one real thing you’ll ever know.

#love letters

[groovingwithshae]

I know we don’t owe each other anything

Nothing in life is owed

We met at the intersection

Fleeting.

I just want to know where you went

I’d accuse you of theft

But I gave it to you.

Im just angry at myself I guess

This walk home in the rain

Feels endless.

I’m cold.

And I’m lost.

#love letters #I’m so stupid

[groovingwithshae]

I’ll never be eye candy,

But for the love of God,

If you gave me the chance

I could feed an army of starving men,

I’ll never be eye candy,

But for the love of God,

I could be your soul food.

#love letters

[groovingwithshae]

For Nathan

The human experience is art. We become a mosaic of every person we have ever met. Existing gives other people's existence purpose; we mold each other like clay.

Death - naturally - is tragic. But I often think part of the tragedy is that when someone passes, everyone that person has ever interacted with will also lose a part of themselves.

In 2021, my childhood best friend passed away. We hadn't spoken to each other since we were kids, and I felt guilty for grieving - like I was somehow milking his death.

But I have realised the grief is really love for him that has never left, and that he shaped me into the person I am today.

I have always been a little girl who has grown up too fast. I always had to be responsible, mature, and wise. When I was with Nathan, I was a kid - what I was meant to be.

We would play on the trampoline for hours, get muddy at the local footy, he taught me about Assassin's Creed, and we took goofy pictures together on our DS's.

He was protective of me, and when other boys teased him for having a girl best friend, he had no qualms about yelling at them and saying how proud he was to call me his best friend. His love for others was relentless, and as we grew apart - I am confident that trait did not change.

Part of the mosaic that is my identity is Nathan. At the local footy, he would drink so much Fanta his mouth would turn orange, and the sugar would make him unstoppable - becoming the king of tiggy and climbing trees quicker than a monkey.

Every time I smell the smell of oranges, like a reflex, my brain conjures an orange toothy smile.

Even in death, he has made me discover so much about the world.

I use the word "freakazoid" because my friend Caty said it once, and once she did, I couldn't stop saying it.

Whenever I see or hear SpongeBob - I think of my friend Annie and her giggles because SpongeBob is her favorite show.

I love to wear the color blue because every time I wear it, I get told I look like my sister - and she is my biggest role model.

If I have to pick a number, I always pick 3 - because it was my brother's first-ever footy number.

I see, think, and do things other people wouldn't because of how others' existences have crossed with mine. We may grow apart later in life - but there will always be an 'X' - an intersection between them and me.

I am a mosaic of experience, and every person you've ever met is one too. You're exchanging, adding, and losing pieces to each other.

Life's purpose is at the intersection.

#love letters