greenuncommonly

[greenuncommonly]

AM! hold steady! what year is it, 2014!?

[greenuncommonly]

rented world

that fox and the hound kind of love. that “(when we leave this room it’s gone)” kind of love.

[greenuncommonly]

thrift gods rewarded me today. $50. the most i’ve probably spent at one time. more on that later.

[greenuncommonly]

(samson and delilah)

233pm. passing dyckman station.

i wonder if you cut your hair yet.

[greenuncommonly]

9:56pm, walking down subway platform reading maintenance signage. mentions free shuttle buses and had a flash to 2 instances: 1. the recent chill bus ride home from your area after a late night (10ish) heavy doobie sesh on the bench with bobby, that night i think you had a date with bb. mid september. l headphones on, just vibin, the perfect amount of stoned and fuzzy-headed from deep talks and thinking. and 2. the first bus ride we took, that to me felt the closest to recalling greyhound magic in my upstate wanderlust years.

and then i thought, heh, it’s so funny. the things to me that felt so important/magical/drew me to you early on… have never been recreated. or even anything you’ve brought back up as something specifically ‘special’ to you. and i think that’s because you didn’t know, didn’t share in those moments at the same time with me. and, also, you forget most of them anyway. so many times i bring things up we’ve done/you said and you go ???? and… how interesting. how sad. i think this is further proof how divided we are. our experiences of each other, with each other, are just fundamentally different. we don’t know in different ways and that is similar, but my heart is too much in this (i said “only one in this” at first, but amended that because it is unfair to you.) you know that i’m special because i see the world in you, and you thrive on that. it feeds something in you. but that’s something you cannot give back to me - not in a vindictive way, though.

i think you are a different species from me. there’s something of that you can give to her and feed into it in a way you never will find with me. it’s sad but in an impossible way, like a bird that wishes they could swim like a fish. i can fly! that’s something great! but you cannot live underwater with me.

[greenuncommonly]

whether you remain absent or not, i gotta turn all of this into art of my own.

maybe start small. with the music. it’s almost all ready to go, anyway.

[greenuncommonly]

still writing a lot this week. and it does feel a lot like just vomiting pieces of a story, trying to find where it is and what it is and what the plot will turn out to be. emotional truth is not objective truth, but i wonder how correct my intuition(s) are.

i say this knowing that i will never truly know regardless.

[greenuncommonly]

“Accustomed to the calm aspects of life, she turned, on the contrary, to those of excitement. She loved the sea only for the sake of its storms, and the green fields only when broken up by ruins.

She wanted to get some personal profit out of things, and she rejected as useless all that did not contribute to the immediate desires of her heart, being of a temperament more sentimental than artistic, looking for emotions, not landscapes.”

— Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary

[greenuncommonly]

don’t think about it. don’t think about it. don’t think about i—

[greenuncommonly]

put pen to paper and listened to music for hours yesterday, like a woman possessed. almost like i used to, in my early 20s, when i had nothing else to believe in or hold onto. i am much older and know better and thus cannot fully yield to it, but it is almost enough for now to gather my angels around me in what ways i can. i wish it could be something more tangible, though. that part’s never changed.

the same, yet different. it is bittersweet how unrequited and obscure i have remained.

[greenuncommonly]

departure/arrival

i refuse to believe it is gone/lost to us now.

#but maybe it is

[greenuncommonly]

finally in the age that we were born

ancient language with a modern voice

[greenuncommonly]

how’s it feel to let go of everything that you know

[greenuncommonly]

I'd always envisioned myself as a giver

But as I reflect, I've left something to be desired

Not that my heart hasn't ever delivered

But that it's never felt this inspired

To have direction, to feel complete

To embrace affection, to end all the woe is me

But mainly to harbor the love that I have to give

But for tonight, let's just stay inside

Well it's far too loud and I just want quiet

And if we die before we wake

I'll blame it on the past mistakes

Without you I'm not pure

And without you I'm not clean

But if I'm going down with you

Then you're going down with me.

[greenuncommonly]

i don’t take pictures anymore.

#the island stands alone we dont fear no hurricane #music