greenlightfic - Tumblr blog

greenlightfic · 5 years

Text

I’m certain that I’m yours

Monday 17:56 – April 13, 2020 – You’re like the shoulder to turn to

Edoardo’s looked up in his room and he hasn’t moved the whole day. After his conversation with Eleonora, days passed by through him. Federico didn’t tell anything to his friends but Edoardo’s sure they figured it out. He spent Thursday and most of Friday with the Canegallo’s, Federico refused to leave him alone. By Friday’s night he picked up his grandmother at the airport and spent the next couple of days with her. He didn’t even attempt the dinner his friends had at the Sava’s apartment; Eleonora texted him the morning after but he ignored it. Edoardo knows they’re going to be friends again; he knows everything will be back to normal soon, but he can’t stand being with her right now. Luckily for him, at the dinner, they made another raffle, and he got in charge of his own car, and this time Eleonora wasn’t one of the passengers. He still saw her, of course; but he did it from the safety of his vehicle, for afar.

His grandmother noticed his mood and, being loyal to her character, she tried to pull the information out of her grandson with all the existences tricks but Edoardo didn’t let out a word about the topic. She already suffered enough when he broke up with Laura, without any authentic reason to her knowledge, and he didn’t want to ruin her weekend with his insignificant heart problems.

They arrived home by Sunday’s night, and Edoardo hasn’t left his room in almost twenty-four hours. Federico invited him to get breakfast out, he offered to drive him to school. His best friend even called at lunch time, to convince him to join him, but Edoardo refused every offer. He just needed a day off, away from classes and from people. Tomorrow he will be better. However, his loneliness was interrupted by Eva when the girl texted him for a jacket she forgot. Edoardo was close to ignoring her but he’s a damn good friend and couldn’t do that to Eva, it wasn’t her fault her best friend didn’t want him. Still, Edoardo is praying for Federico to arrive before Eva comes to pick her jacket back, that way he wouldn’t be obligated to give up his hibernation.

To Edoardo’s luck, at the exact moment he’s thinking that, his phone vibrates on the pillow next to his head with a call from Eva. Edoardo sighs but answers, covering his face with the hand that isn’t holding the phone to his ear. “Yeah?”

“I’m outside.” Eva replies.

“Give me a second.” Edoardo speaks getting up from his bed, heading to the entrance of his house in silence, hearing Eva’s breathes in the other side. “It’s open, you can come up.” He informs her emotionless.

“See you in a minute.” She says and hangs up. Edoardo isn’t sure if she knows what happened between him and Eleonora, but if the girl told her best friend about the fight, they had a week ago, it’s very possible she also told her about him confessing her his feelings. He feels exposed. He wishes he could go back in time.

Eva knocking on his door brings him back to the present. When he opens the door, the redhead girl is smiling, she hugs him with one arm, which would make Edoardo laugh in any other situation, due to how small she is compared to him but right now, he appreciates the affection. “I brought coffee, and cookies.” Eva speaks holding up a paper bag.

“How nice of you!” Edoardo smiles. He’s sure she knows about his conversation with Eleonora and it’s there to cherry him up.

“Some may even say I’m an angel.” The small girl flips her long red hair with a cocky smile and walks to the center of the living room, to get comfortable in the couch.

“Here.” Edoardo hands her the jacket. “before I forget.” He adds. He may be feeling like shit but he doesn’t have the heart to kick a friend out.

“Thanks! You’ve literally saved my life. There’s no way I can pass without this jacket.” Eva says while Edoardo sits in front of her, opening the bag.

“I think you’re exaggerating.” He chuckles. “If you pass, it’s because you’re smart, not because of a piece of cloth.”

“No, it’s the jacket.” She nods eagerly, taking the coffee Edoardo’s offering her. “I wore it on my first test and from that moment it became my lucky charm. Gio and the boys didn’t believe me, so I didn’t wear it on an exam and guess what happened? I failed! Big-fat failure.”

“Don’t you think it could have been a coincidence?” The tall boy asks relaxing on his own couch for the first time in days.

“That’s exactly what Gio said!” She waves her hands, narrowing her eyes. “But it isn’t a coincidence! It’s proof that this thing is my lucky charm, and I won’t graduate without it.” She holds the jacket close to her chest with one hand, coffee cup in the other one.

“All right.” Edoardo nods with a grin. He likes Eva. They hadn’t share that much of one-on-one moments over the past year but he had had enough interactions with Giovanni and Eleonora to know she’s one of a kind. Besides, he has been on her presence for the last thirty minutes and already feels better… warm.

“You sound just like Gio.” She rolls her eyes from above her cup. “Like if you’re agreeing with me because you think my story is funny but you don’t really believe me. But it’s true. If you want, I won’t wear it tomorrow and then we’ll see.” She offers shrugging.

“Please, don’t.” Edo extends his arm, gesturing his intention to stop her. “I don’t want you to fail.”

“Then you believe me!” She smiles with pride and crosses her legs.

“I’m open to the possibilities.” Edoardo jokes.

“Tell your friend that next time he makes fun of me, please.”

“I will.” He promises, and they both settle into a comfortable silence.

“How did you two get back together? I never asked.” Edoardo speaks calmly. He has heard some stories of the time they were broken up and some after they got back together but he never heard the whole story, and right now he’s willingly accepting anything that fills his mind.

Eva smile fades partly, as if she was captured by a bad memory and Edoardo hesitates. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked, maybe he overstepped. The boy is ready to apologize when the knowing spark on her eyes shines again.

“We started dating when we were around 16.” She rests her cup on the table and intertwines her fingers. “We were kids and our relationship… it didn’t start in the right way, I guess.” Her eyes are on Edoardo, but she isn’t looking at him, too lost on her mind. “It definitely didn’t start in the right way, and I guess I was… paranoid. I was waiting, all the time, for him to fuck it up. I was waiting for him to blow it up. Around that time, I met the girls.” She smiles, fondly. “Silvia had this major crush on an older guy and his best friend happened to know who I was. We use my connection with him to go to their parties, so Silvia could hook up with this guy. Gio and I started having fights over my paranoia and some lies he was telling me, and, at one party, I was drunk, I believed some stupid lie about Giovanni and, well, cheated on him.” Her forehead is furrowed and she looks smaller, Edoardo notices. He’s sure she hasn’t fully forgiven herself for those events. He understands her.

“Gio found out, not for me, and we kind of broke up, some weeks after that, we officially broke up with the promise to be friends but it was hard. Some months later I started regularly seeing the guy I cheated on Gio’s with.” Edoardo opens his eyes wide and Eva chuckles, as if she was expecting his reaction. “I know, but I was only 16 and wasn’t really sure of who I was.” It’s hard for Edoardo to imagine an Eva that isn’t the confident, outgoing girl he knows. But he also notices how much it affected her the reason why her relationship started with the wrong foot.

“After a while I stopped seeing that guy and we became friendly again; then he dated this foreign girl and I became a mess.”

“The Argentinian?” Edoardo can’t shut his mouth. Eva sits straight and looks at him with a brow lifted.

“Sorry.” Edoardo says low, busying himself with his coffee. He remembers when that girl came to school, all his friends were after her. He wasn’t, he was with Laura. He can’t believe how the list of moments that connected his past self to his friends keep growing.

“Yes, Sofia.” Eva confirms with a blank expression. “We started going backwards there. I was jealous and hooked up with Polidoro again.”

“Polidoro? But that was Covitti’s best friend. Did Silvia have a crush on Covitti?” Edoardo half screams, disbelieving. “He was the biggest douche in school!” He adds after Eva nods.

“I know that. Everyone knew that, besides Silvia, of course.” She makes a face, a mix of repulsion and laughter.

“Did you know Fede dated his sister?” Edoardo asks, smiling.

“So did Marti!” Eva slaps her own leg with her hand and both friends laugh. It’s unbelievable how close they were in high school and, still, never met.

“What happened after he started dating the Argentinian?” Edoardo asks after calming down his laughter.

“I got jealous, and I started seeing Polidoro again. By that time, we were friends, but I felt very uncomfortable when he was around. I still loved him but he had moved on.” She shrugs with a sad smile. “When I had already given up, she went back to her country and I thought that it was my chance to get him back, but he had some drama going on with his family. So, I waited.”

“Why?” Edoardo asks, inversed into the story.

“I wanted to. I surely wanted to tell him how I felt and what I wanted but… it wasn’t the right time, you know? He didn’t need a girlfriend at that time; he needed a friend, and I tried my best to be that for him.” She looks into Edoardo’s eyes with intention, making sure her words seal into his mind. “I know it would’ve been easier for me to be like ‘hey, I want us to go back together’. But it also would’ve been selfish, it wasn’t what he needed and I loved him, I always loved him and I figured that if I wanted to be with him, I needed to wait for him to be ready. And I did. I waited and when we both were ready… it happened, effortlessly… and here we are.” She smiles and her cheeks turns a little bit pink. “If you love someone, you’ll wait for the right time to come.”

Edoardo understands her words. Maybe he acted wrong with Eleonora. Maybe he should’ve contemplated her feelings before speaking up. He should’ve waited for the right moment and doesn’t act out of impulsive. Edoardo knows he can’t go back in time, but he can definitely wait. He’s a patient guy. He can live his life and be around, waiting for Eleonora to be ready to, maybe, want him back.

Friday 19:32 – April 17, 2020 – hit me with your best shot, honey

Edoardo’s laying on his bed, wearing nothing but an old pair of sweatpants. He attended some classes on Tuesday and Wednesday and had a full day of classes on Thursday, followed by an afternoon with his villa boys -if they knew something, they hide it pretty well- but he felt too tired to leave his room today, and, luckily, Federico didn’t question him.

After Federico left to school Edoardo took a shower and tried to eat something but his stomach refused anything his eyes found; eventually, he gave up and went back to locking himself in his bedroom. He doesn’t even know what time it is. His phone died a few hours after he had woken up and he didn’t care enough to charge it again.

Federico knocks on his door and Edoardo sighs. He knows that if his friend didn’t question him in the morning, he’s definitely going to do it now. He isn’t ready for that. Federico knocks again.

“Yeah?” Edoardo practically groans, not wanting to get up.

“Edo.” Federico opens his door a few inches, just enough space to get his head into the room. “Buddy I think you should put some clothes on.” He says looking at Edoardo from head to toes.

“Why?” the tall boy turns his head to stare at his friend.

“You have a visitor.” He says, looking intensely to Edoardo, as if he would be trying to say something without words.

“What do you want, man?” Edoardo finally sits on his bed.

“Eleonora is here.” His best friend speaks between his teeth. “She wants to see you.”

“What?” Edoardo freezes.

“Federico!” Edoardo hears her calling his friend from not so far away his room.

“Yeah, sorry. I… I gotta go… t-to… the boys. Bye.” Fede awkwardly looks down opening the door completely for Eleonora. Meanwhile, Edo is still sat half-naked on his bed.

“I’ve been calling you.” Eleonora speaks first, standing in the entrance of Edoardo’s room.

“Phone’s off.” The boy replies staring at her boots.

“Edo.” There’s something on her voice that forces Edoardo to look up. When their eyes meet, the girl walks to him and sits by his side. “Edo, you’ve been ignoring me for a week.” She sounds sad, and Edoardo wants to punch himself. “And don’t try to tell me you haven’t because we both know you have. Before Easter’s break I’d run into you, at least, once a day, and now I haven’t seen you since Sunday.” She leans closer, searching for his eyes.

“Sorry.” He curly-haired boy apologies avoiding her stare.

“I’m sorry if what I told you hurt you in any way.” The girl places her hand on his knee, and Edoardo feels weak.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything; it was selfish to not considerate your feelings.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Edo.” Her smile feels so warm. “It’s not your fault my past gets into the way. I love spending time with you; you know? I feel like… like I am safe. Still I don’t want to commit to anyone but myself. And I understand if you can’t accept it, if you don’t want to see me but we need to talk, at least once.” Edoardo lays his hand on hers, scared that maybe she would cry and he sure can’t take it.

“I don’t want to stop being friends with you. I just needed a few days.” He assures her looking at her eyes. God, he missed those green eyes. “I want things to go back to normal between us, even if it’s hard. Cutting you out of my life was never an option; I swear.” The conversation he got with Eva left him thinking; if he really likes Eleonora, he has to be around and be her friend while she needs it.

“Thanks.” She smiles softly. “Honestly I don’t think I could survive without your tutoring.” The girl jokes, lighting up the mood. “Do you know tomorrow is my birthday?” she asks, uncertain.

“Of course.” Edoardo smirks, rolling his eyes.

“I’m having a few people over at my apartment. You think you could make it?” Eleonora has removed her hand from Edoardo’s knee and is now on her lap.

“I won’t miss it.” He promises, and the smile she gives him feels good. Edoardo isn’t tired anymore. He feels content.

Without thinking, the boy fixes her hair and left his hand resting there. Eleonora leans into the touch for a second but abruptly moves, throwing her body into Edoardo’s chest. The boy hurriedly holds her with both arms, tight.

“I missed you.” She whispers against his chest, as if she was confessing a confidential secret. With her hands on his body, Edoardo remembers he’s still half-naked but if it’s okay for her, it’s okay for him, he thinks. He just wants things to go back to normal between then. A week without her was painful enough and he’s willing to push his feelings aside to get her back into his life.

“I missed you, too, Ele.” He plants a kiss on the top of her head and feels her smile against his body.

Saturday 21:15 – April 18, 2020 – you’re my only virtue

Edoardo is side by side with his villa boys; they left their building together and headed to Eleonora’s home in just one car. The curly-haired boy tried to see her before the party but it was impossible. People had her running for a place to another the whole day, so she couldn’t make it.

His boys still don’t know about his feelings for Eleonora, or at least they’re not letting Edoardo know they know. Only Federico, who is nice enough to support Edoardo in whatever decision he takes.

Eleonora opens the door for them, on a casual, tiny black drees that makes Edoardo knees tremble. She smiles at the five of them and one by one the boys hug her. Chicco’s the first one to move: he embraces Eleonora’s head with both arms, kissing the top of it; Rocco holds her by the waist and lifts her up a few centimeters; Nathan, not being a very touchy person, just holds her briefly with one arm. Federico, he steps into the apartment with opens arms and Eleonora closes the distance, their high difference isn’t that big so she can easily hug him by the neck. When they break the hug, Federico pushes his friends into the party with the excuse to get some drinks, leaving Edoardo and Eleonora alone.

“Hi.” He murmurs.

“Hey.”

Edoardo walks two steps and places an arm on her shoulder, holding her again his chest, while Eleonora squeezes him from the waist. “Happy birthday, Ele.” He speaks against her ear.

“Thank you!” She’s smiling so big that her green eyes are practically closed. “I’m really happy you came.”

“I brought you a present.” Edoardo smirks, cocky.

“Really? You didn’t have to!” She brushes his hand, but Edoardo moves it away, looking for the present into his jacket. He’s really proud of his gift -and a bit ashamed-. It’s a cheesy present and maybe he thought about it too much but Federico assured him it was perfect, and he’s sticking to that thought.

“Ele!” Silvia’s hand grabbing Eleonora is the first thing Edoardo sees between the people. “Come on, we need to take a good photo before Eva and Fede get too drunk.”

“But-”

“Come on. It’s just a minute.” She spots Edoardo standing awkwardly with the front door still opened. “Edo, close the door, please. We don’t want the neighbors complaining about the music.” She kisses both of his cheeks and drags Eleonora away, not letting any of them reply.

Eleonora didn’t come back. After Silvia had dragged her to take photos, she was distracted by every person in the room, and after a few minutes Edoardo gave up. He will give her his present some other time. That’s what friends do, right?

Edoardo’s now in Eleonora’s small kitchen, alone. Chicco was with him some minutes ago but disappeared after one of Eleonora’s classmates. But it’s okay, he has been feeling better since yesterday and being alone isn’t hard anymore. He’s fine by himself. He has a cold beer in his hand and is sitting on the counter, watching the party happen from the distance. Edoardo can’t see everything from his position but still can steal some glances of Eleonora and his friends here and there. He spots Eva dancing with Giovanni; when she sees him, she moves in his way but stops midway. Edoardo turns his head to the side and notices Eleonora walking to him.

“Hey, you.” She smiles, settling in front of him with both arms behind her back.

“Happy birthday.” Edoardo leaves his beer next to his leg and rests his hands on his lap, close to her.

“Are you bored?” Eleonora asks, making a face.

“No! I was just taking a break. I promise.” He can’t stop the smile breaking through his face.

“I believe you.” Eleonora smiles looking at his eyes and Edoardo can’t wrap his head around the idea that more than a week ago they were in a similar situation, miles away and their expression were completely different.

“Can I give you my present now?” The tall boy whispers, looking down at her.

“Hurry up before Silvia notices I’m not in the bathroom.” She gives him an accomplice look and they both chuckles.

Edoardo’s hands feel sweaty suddenly, and he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t have asked Federico for a second opinion. Maybe he should’ve brought Eva with him, or Martino, or Elia; someone who could’ve actually confirms him his idea wasn’t shit.

“Happy birthday, Ele.” The boy says inhaling deeply, offering her a small green box he has carried on his pocket half of the night.

“Thanks.” Slowly, Eleonora takes the bun out and opens the box. Staring in silence at the item in it.

“If you don’t like it, I can change it.” Edoardo rapidly adds, nervous.

“I like it.” She looks at him. “I really like it. It’s beautiful.” Edoardo observes her take the necklace out of the box. It’s as delicate as her, and, at the end, has a tiny silver and green rose hanging. Edo watches her putting it on. It’s beautiful. She’s beautiful.

“How does it look?” Eleonora asks, and Edoardo wants to laugh at her ignorance. He wonders how someone can be so stunning and not know it.

“Beautiful.” He says automatically and notices Eleonora’s features softening. “Y-Your brother…” he feels nervous again, but he wants her to know his present has a meaning. “Your brother told me that you didn’t just like gardening.” Edoardo clears his throat. “He told me it was really important to you, like some kind of balance and, you know, I was hoping that, maybe, we could find that balance again… between us.” He doesn’t dare to look at her face, staring at his hands instead.

“Edo.” Edoardo looks up at the sound of his name on her mouth. “I love it.” He smiles, pleased with himself. And even when it must be uncomfortable, Eleonora holds him by his neck and presses her body to his. Edoardo hugs her back, inhaling her scent. Being friends, it’s difficult but it’s worthy.

The girl breaks the hug first but lets her hands resting on his shoulders. Edoardo looks down at her and notices her staring at his lips. He freezes. Eleonora finds his eyes again, and they just stand there, holding each other and staring in silence. Close, way too close for two friends. He’s trying very hard not to panic but he’s feeling her closer every second and his head is starting to feel dizzy.

“Ele, it’s time for the ca-” Elia shuts up midsentence when he enters the room. Eleonora quickly steps away from Edoardo, but it’s obvious Elia notices it. “Uh, sorry.” The boy can barely bite down his smirk. “Ele, it’s time for the cake.”

“Yes, of course!” Eleonora recovers faster than her friends. “Come, let’s go. I don’t want Silvia to kill me in my own birthday party.” She turns to smile at Edoardo, squeezing his knee, but just for a second before making her way out of the kitchen.

Elia waits for Edoardo, smirk turning into a full smile. “What?” Edoardo makes sure to avoid his face while he speaks.

“Nothing!” Elia says half laughing. “Let’s go.”

Sunday 11:45 – April 19, 2020 – there’s something about you…

Edoardo’s watching Eleonora play with a dog. After the moment they shared on her kitchen last night, there were some secretive smiles and hands brushing but nothing more, and they weren’t alone either. Once he made it to his house and described the situation to Federico, his best friend physically forced him to text Eleonora, to ask her out. If there was an opportunity, he needed to take it, immediately.

Around 10:00 am he picked her up and took her to a Caffè, it was very far away from their houses but Edoardo didn’t care, he knew Eleonora would like it. And she did. The tall boy smiled proudly when he heard the girl by his side gasping. The place was small, but it was completely filled with plants, from the roof to the floor, and the wood tables gave him the feeling to be in the woods instead of a coffee shop. Eleonora was really happy and they talked a lot. They talked about the things their friends did at the party and how Eleonora crashed douche-with-steroids ass at class but she never mentioned what happened at her kitchen, and Edoardo didn’t know if he could.

After a while Eleonora suggested to go for a walk and Edoardo thought she wanted some privacy to talk about them but as soon as they left the shop, she saw a small black dog with a lot a hair and she has been petting him for the last five minutes.

“Okay, I think we need to go now.” The dog’s owner speaks, watching her pet kissing Eleonora’s face. “I think he likes you more already.” The woman seems very nice, Edoardo thinks. She seems to be around 40 and very in love with her dog, Pietro, if Edoardo heard right.

“Bye, baby.” Eleonora’s using a tone Edoardo never heard on her. He wonders if maybe it is the tone she uses with babies and not just animals.

“Come on, Pietro. Say goodbye to Eleonora, we gotta go back home and she has someone to go back to, too.” The lady smiles at Edoardo, and he feels selfishly happy to be mistaken by Eleonora’s boyfriend.

Eleonora waves at the dog and comes back to him. “I’m glad you made a new friend.” Edoardo jokes, fixing her hair unconsciously, the dog’s loved had made a mess of it.

“Thanks.” She smiles big, mocking him.

“You wanna sit over there?” Edoardo turns his body to point at the start of the lake. Eleonora nods and starts walking in silence. The tall boy watches her and decides that if he wants to talk about them, he can’t wait for Eleonora to give him her approval, he has to ask.

Edoardo sits first, on the ground, with his feet close to the water and Eleonora does the same by his side. The boy inhales through his nose, repeating the words on his mind. “Were you drunk last night?” The question sounds harsher out loud.

“No. Why?” Eleonora looks at him hugging her legs close to her chest, confusion all over her face.

“I know I told you I wanted us to be friends. I didn’t lie.” Edoardo has his eyes fixed on the water. “But last night… when I gave you… I don’t know, maybe I misunderstood. I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, trying to push his insecurities aside, but they still take control.

“Edo, you didn’t misunderstand anything, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-” Edoardo lifts his head and their eyes meet. “You don’t have to apologize, you know? I just want to know where we are standing.” The boy forces a smile.

“I don’t know.” Eleonora looks away. Edoardo feels nervous, uncomfortable and worried. He understands she has her reasons to be the way she is, but he also has his to run away and he’s actively deciding to stay.

“Can I tell you a story?” If he wants her to trust him, he has to trust her first. “It isn’t a very nice one but it’s important.” He looks at her and she nods, giving him all her attention.

“Okay, so…” Edoardo exhales and fixes his eyes on the water again. “When I was around 15, I started seeing this girl, she was my father’s friend’s daughter and we practically grew up together. She lived here, in Milan, but we made it work for a while. I have a brother; you already knew that, right?” Eleonora barely moves her head but still Edoardo notices her nodding. “He is really bad news, and I always knew it but I was fifteen and he would take me, her and my friends to these seniors parties. So, I trust him. One time he found himself alone with her and started talking shit about me. He told her I was only using her for sex and that I was already seeing other girls, and… she slept with him. She was really mad at me, and he was there, I guess. It wasn’t her fault. It was his. He knew what he was doing. After that our bond broke forever. It had started breaking before my mother died, she was really weak and he wouldn’t help or try to make things easier for her. He would just put more shit on her shoulders and leave her alone when she needed him.” Edoardo clears his throat, making a pause. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, talking about her is always hard.

“At first I thought it was his way of dealing with grief. But it wasn’t, he is a selfish sociopath.” Edoardo laughs bitterly. “After he had slept with my girlfriend, he moved away for college and my father was mostly traveling because of work and I was… alone.” He shrugs, feelings physically tired. “I told myself I was done with dating. I was done with people, honestly. But the boys… they kept showing up on my door, and they make sure I’d go back to normal.” He pauses to look at Eleonora. She’s still hugging her legs and has her head resting on her own knees, smiling shyly at him. “In my senior year I met this girl from our school, Laura, and she really got my attention. It took me a while, but we started dating. I did love her, and I like to believe she loved me, too. But it wasn’t that simple, we were hiding all the time and, one day, I left her alone at my house for a couple of minutes and when I came back… he was there. I panicked, I made clear to him she wasn’t my girlfriend -even when she was-, I acted like she was nothing, because I knew, I knew Andrea would ruin it for me.” He feels cold and wonders if maybe it wasn’t the right time to talk about it with Eleonora but he can’t stop himself now.

“I didn’t tell her the truth about him and we… moved on from that but a few weeks after, I got involved into a fight with some homophobic dudes that were after Nico and she got really mad at me.” He laughs now, looking back at that time… they were fighting over nothing when the real problems were chasing them. “We, of course, fought about it and kind of broke up. It was around the time of my admission exams, you know?” He waits for Eleonora to say something, to let him know she doesn’t loathe him. But she doesn’t open her mouth, she only gives him a sad absent smile, not getting her eyes off of him.

“I was here and she didn’t know. She went to my home to find me but instead-”

“She found Andrea.” Edoardo’s surprised by her interruption, as if she already knows what he’s going to say next.

“Yes, she found Andrea, and he was throwing a party. Andrea told her I was coming back home anytime soon, even when he knew I was here. He convinced her to stay, got her very drunk and next thing Laura remembers is waking up on my bed, completely naked, with him by her side.” Eleonora gasp and Edoardo stares at her, praying his eyes doesn’t show how hurt he still is.

“D-Did… Was she…” The girl is speechless, clearly afraid to ask.

“She didn’t tell me right away. Her friends took care of her. They took her to ER, and she wasn’t… he didn’t do it.” It’s getting hard to swallow for him. “There was a friend of my brother at the party, Marta. She spoke to Laura. It seems like she fainted and Andrea took her upstairs, he undressed her and took some of his own clothes too but collapsed by her side. Marta moved him away from her and covered her with the sheets. We both believe her but… it’s just Marta’s story. We will never get the full story.” Edoardo feels Eleonora moving closer and she places her hand on his.

“You know it wasn’t your fault, right? Or Laura’s?” She’s searching for his eyes. “You know that, right?”

“That’s what everyone says but if I would’ve told her about my brother, she wouldn’t have stayed or if I would’ve eaten up my pride and apologized to her sooner.” He shakes his head and Ele squeezes his hand. “I know it isn’t entirely my fault, but partly… no one has the guts to say it, but I know it is.” Edoardo shrugs, he has made peace with his guilt and tries to live everyday with it. “She went to the police, you know? And she even faced him, alone. But when he found out the police were involved; he took off, and I haven’t seen him since then. Last Christmas he called my dad but that’s the only thing I know.”

“And Laura?” Edoardo notices how calm Eleonora’s tone is, as she’s intentionally relaxing for him.

“At the end of the year, she moved away and started over. We’re still friendly, call each other for birthdays and stuffs, but ever since the day I found out, I can’t look at her. The guilt is enormous, and she’s too good to blame me.” Edoardo smiles sadly. They both tried after Andrea disappeared from the picture but it wasn’t the same between them. They would never be the same.

“Thank you for telling me.” Eleonora smiles softly and rest her head on his shoulder, still holding his hand.

“I want you to know you’re not the only one with bad memories. I’m pretty screwed, to be honest.” In an act of bravery Edoardo intertwine his fingers with Eleonora’s. “I want you to know I’m willing to try be less screwed up… for you, with you.”

“Edo…” the girl removes her head from his shoulder but doesn’t let go of his hand.

“It doesn’t have to be now. I’ll be around. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be around.” He assures her, pressing two fingers lightly on her furrowed forehead.

“I’m not making you wait for me.”

“You’re not making me if it’s my decision.” The boy smirks and Eleonora try to fight the smile growing on her face.

“You’re too good for me.” She lets go of his hand, but Edoardo quickly takes it back, with both hands. “I am not.” He says. “I think we make a pretty nice duet.”

“Stop joking!” She pushes him gently, and Edoardo takes the opportunity to hold her hand. Now both of his hands are holding Eleonora’s; their bodies very close.

“I’m not going to push you, okay? I only want you to know I am here for you, in the way you want to take me, I am here and I will be here tomorrow, next week and next month, too.” Edoardo needs her to know where he stands even when it lets him in a vulnerable position, he trusts her.

“I like you.” Eleonora confesses looking at their hands.

“I figured it last night when you almost kissed me.” He jokes again and she rolls her eyes. But he can’t help it, Edoardo feels confident like he hasn’t felt in a while.

“Your gift’s really beautiful. I guess it… swept me off my feet.” She looks at his lips again, and Edoardo does the same this time.

“We’re even now.” He speaks slow, conscious of her stare.

Eleonora groans exaggeratedly, making Edoardo smile. She rests her head on his shoulder again and squeezes his hand. The boy squeezes back, in complete silence and watches her with his peripheral vision, she’s questioning something, he can tell.

The girl sits straight again, glancing at Edoardo’s eyes before leaning closer. He closes his eyes, expectant and feels her soft and warm lips on his cheek. Edoardo doesn’t open his eyes, scared of her kiss to be a goodbye. Her kiss to mean she doesn’t want to be around him. But all his worries disappear when he feels her breathe close to his mouth. Edoardo dares to crack his eyes open. She’s smiling at him, boldly, and he isn’t sure if she closes the distance, or maybe it is him -even when he promised himself, he wouldn’t do it- but he has his eyes closed again and is feeling Eleonora’s soft and warm lips against his.

Sunday 19:57 – April 19, 2020 – certain things I adore

Edoardo hits the ‘post’ button and smiles mischievously. He turns his head to look at Eleonora, waiting for her to see the notification. She’s laying on the couch with her legs over Edoardo’s lap and have been like that half of the day. After she kissed him -or he kissed her-, she made clear she wanted to go as slow as possible. She isn’t settling to all the pressure society puts on a couple and he has accepted. Honestly, he doesn’t care if Eleonora wants to only meet him two hours per week or doesn’t allow him to kiss her more than five times a day; he only wants to be with her and is accepting all of her boundaries willingly.

“What did you tag me on?” Eleonora narrows her eyes at him from above her phone, suspicious.

“Open it and you’ll find out.” He hasn’t stop smiling since this morning and isn’t sure if he would ever stop.

“Edo!” Eleonora yells and sits up, not removing his legs from his body.

“What? It’s just a birthday post. You got like ten of those yesterday.” Edoardo loves to play dumb with her. The expressions his… girlfriend? Makes every time he acts purposely stupid are his favorites.

“This photo isn’t just any photo!” She waves the phone in front of his face and Edoardo stops smiling for the first time in hours. Maybe he overstepped. She said they should go slow and first thing he does, he posts on Instagram a photo of the two of them hugging. He’s an asshole. “I haven’t even told Eva.” Eleonora covers her face with the phone, and Edoardo can picture her already breaking up with him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought it was nice. Sorry, I’ll delete it.” He takes his phone but Eleonora stops him. “It’s okay.” She smiles. “You don’t have to delete it.”

“But you haven’t told Eva, or your brother. And I only told Fede over a text.” He wants to slap himself. He can be very impulsive sometimes, and he hates it.

“Well, we can’t hide from our friends forever, and there’s no right way to tell them. They’ll understand.” She assures him with a smile, and Edoardo feels at peace again. “But next time you want to post a photo of me: ask me first, all right? That’s part of going slow.” She’s teasing him, speaking as if he is a kid, Edoardo should feel offended but he only wants to kiss her, and he can. The boy leans in with his eyes closed, but instead of meeting the Eleonora’s lips he’s hit by a pillow.

When Edoardo opens his eyes, she’s laughing so loud, her cheeks are turning red. He adores her, but he won’t let his adoration win. Rapidly, using his longs arms, he tackles her and starts tickling her sides. Eleonora’s now laughing louder Edoardo has ever heard her, but taking advantage of the pause he takes to contemplate her, the girl turns them over on the couch and now Edoardo’s with his back pressed, being attacked by Eleonora’s hands.

“Hey.” The tall boy whispers when she takes a break to breathe.

“Hey.” Eleonora smiles and gently Edoardo takes her hair away from her face. He observes her smiling fondly, and he can’t believe that two days ago he was beating himself up for her and now it feels like a life ago.

“What?” Eleonora chuckles and a strand of hair falls again on her face. Edoardo place it behind her ear before opening his mouth. “You’re beautiful.”

“And you’re annoying.” She rolls her eyes, but her smile gives her away.

“I like you. A lot.”

“I figured after you promised me, you’ll wait for me… forever.” She’s still on top on him, using her arms for balance, not wanting to crush him.

“Excuse me?” Edoardo makes and offended face but doesn’t push her away. “Who kissed who, huh?”

“You, definitely!” She’s laughing, and the boy could lay there and watch her laugh for the rest of his days.

“You’re annoying.” He repeats her words.

“But you like me.” She makes a funny face, empathizing the word ‘like’ on a mocking tone.

“Obviously.” Edoardo is done teasing; they will have time for that later, he wants to kiss her now. He lifts his head to close the distance, and this time he isn’t attacked by a pillow, instead he meets Eleonora’s lips half way.

The curly-haired boy ruins it, smiling into the kiss too soon, but he can’t help it. Edoardo isn’t sure if he will ever get used to kissing Eleonora, and, honestly, he doesn’t know if he even wants to.

#skam italia #incantava

49 notes · View notes

greenlightfic · 5 years

Text

My love, where are you?

Sunday 15:23 – April 5, 2020 – But I let you drift away

Edoardo and Federico are leaving their apartment, carelessly jumping the stairs to get to the building entrance.

“You have the list, right?” Fede asks from behind Edoardo, who gets the piece of paper from his jacket’s pocket and holds it up, not turning around to see his friend. On their first year, after a whole semester of eating nothing but pizza, they both decided to start grocery shopping once a month, to buy all the essential items for them to survive alone. It was an easy task, after all, Edoardo has done it a thousand times back in Rome.

When the cold breeze hits his face, Edoardo exhales. He hasn’t left his room since Friday. He blames his exams but, deep inside, he knows he doesn’t feel good around people, although he doesn’t feel good alone either. Therefore, it hasn’t been an enjoyable couple of days for him.

Edoardo’s walking to his car with Federico next to him, heading to the passenger seat. “Edo.” His friend calls his name, holding a finger to point something behind him. Edo turns on his heels searching for the focus of Federico’s attention and easily finds it -finds her-. Eleonora’s walking straight to them, very determinant and there’s something off on her, Edoardo can sense it. There’s something different on her eyes. An emotion he hasn’t seen her wear before.

“Ele!” Federico greets her when she’s almost in front of Edoardo. “What’s up?” He speaks again and Eleonora looks at him with an absent smile. “Fede, could you please give us a minute?” She’s looking at Edoardo again and if looks could kill… “I need to talk to Edoardo”. His name feels different on his lips, too.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure!” Federico glances at both of his friends, uncertain, but leaves them alone.

“Is everything okay?” Edo asks slow, already knowing the answer.

“You think everything is okay, Edoardo?” she spits. “You really think that going around, gossiping about people behind their back is okay? You really think that?” She has both hands on her hips and is breathing heavily.

“Ele…” he knew he would have to deal with the consequences of his meeting with Filippo soon or later, but he never thought the consequences would be these.

“What?! Answer me, do you really think it’s okay?”

“Ele, I didn’t ask.” He tries to defend himself.

“But you didn’t shut him up either! You didn’t tell him it wasn’t your businesses or his! You sat and listened. It’s my truth, Edoardo. I decide who knows it, when and how. But you two didn’t care about respect, right?” She’s furious and her voice is trembling, but -even when he wants to- Edo knows he can hug her. He knows it won’t help her this time.

“What did you want me to do?” Edoardo asks, gesturing a prayer with both hands. “I couldn’t just stand up and leave. Ele, I know you’re right” he sighs frustrated. “But I couldn’t leave. Your brother was worried about you, and he only wanted to help”. He walks a few steps closer to her and Eleonora lift her chin to look at him.

“He’s not worried.” She crosses her arm. “He got on his head that there’s something between us and he’s just trying to wash away his guilt. He didn’t do it for me. He did it for himself”. She hisses angrily.

“You’re wrong.” Edoardo lets his shoulders fall. He won’t fight with her. Fighting with Eleonora won’t repair anything.

“What?” She exclaims, voice really high.

“Ele, you have no idea what a selfish brother is like. You have no idea what an egotistical, inattentive brother is capable of doing to take the happiness away from you.” He speaks low and, for the first time, Eleonora’s expression softens a little. “A selfish brother wouldn’t spend more than an hour with his sister’s friend just to make sure he understands her. Filippo cares about you. Ele, I care about you and…”

“And there’s the look I didn’t want to see” she fills the silence, angriness on her eyes again.

“What look?” Edoardo’s confused and feels suddenly tired.

“That pity look!” She waves her hand in front of his face. “I don’t want this. I’m not fragile, Edoardo. I’m not a kid who needs to be taken care of. I’m in control of my life”.

“I’m not saying you aren’t” he rapidly answers, pointing at his chest with a hand. “Eleonora, you think what your brother told me changes anything? It doesn’t. No, you know what, yes it does. It does changes things, now I think even higher of you.” He reaches for her arm, but she steps back, away from him.

“Ele…” Edoardo lets his arm fall to his side.

“You won’t charm your way out of this.” She seems repulsed by him.

“I’m not trying to.” His anxiety is climbing quickly. “Ele, what do you want me to do? How can I fix this?”

“You can’t do anything. I just needed to see your face and tell you how betrayed I feel.” She seems tired, too. Edoardo notices the bags under her eyes, as if she didn’t do much sleep the night before.

“’I’m sorry.” He whispers, feeling like a kid. “Can we go inside and talk calmly?” he tries to touch her again, but just like the last time, she steps back.

“I don’t want to be with you, right now. You and your pity look”. Edoardo knows she’s close to crying, he notices how much work it takes her to swallow.

“Ele… I-”

“I can’t be around you right now.”

“What?” Edoardo closes the distance and they’re very close, chests almost touching.

“I’m not just mad” she looks deep into his eyes. “I’m disappointed by Filippo for speaking my truth, and I’m disappointed in you, too.” She looks away.

“Ele, I’m sorry.” He murmurs brushing her shoulder with his hand. “We thought it was for the best… to keep you safe.” He’s leaning closer, their foreheads only inches apart.

“Well, you thought wrong”. Eleonora looks at his eyes, stepping away from his touch. And, without a second glance, she turns around and loudly walks away.

“What the fuck was that?” Federico asks him standing outside the building.

“She says she doesn’t want to be around me… anymore” he speaks, watching his best friend’s shoes get closer to him.

“Why? What happened?” Fede is now standing in front of him with a hand on his shoulder, but Edoardo feels too drained out to speak.

Sunday 19:35 – April 5, 2020 – No one will win this time

“Edoardo Incanti” Alice’s joyfully greets him when she picks up and Edoardo thinks of how different his name sounds on her mouth, compared to Eleonora. Edoardo has been sat on his desk’s chair for the last fifteen minutes, wondering if he isn’t taking the wrong decision, if he isn’t acting out of pain or anger. He finally decided that he would judge himself in the morning and called Alice.

“Hey.” He tries to smile, even though she can’t see him.

“I thought you already got bored of me”. She chuckles, trying to make Edoardo understand it’s just a joke.

“Uh… I… I’m going away for Easter’s break.” He speaks absently.

“That’s nice!” Edoardo feels her smile through the phone. “I wish we could meet before you go but my mom arrives tomorrow morning.” Edoardo moves his chair across the room, feeling nervous. “But maybe we can meet when you come back.” Alice suggests, and Edoardo takes the opportunity to clarify the intention behind his call. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He has his eyes closed, silently praying for Alice to not yell at him.

“What isn’t a good idea?”

“Us… meeting after I-” he cuts himself mid-sentence, trying to organize his thoughts. “Us as a thing. I don’t think it’s a good idea what we’re doing.” He burst out.

“Why? Did you already catch feelings for me?” Edoardo knows Alice’s trying to joke but her voice doesn’t sound as joyful as before.

“No… It’s… It’s complicated.” Edo goes for the half-truth statement. “I’m not really sure of what I want or what to do and it’s not right to get involve with someone when I’m not sure of what I can offer.”

“Edoardo, I’m not asking you for anything. That was literally the first thing I made clear.” She isn’t trying to joke anymore, and Edoardo wonders if she’s sat down, too or walking around a room, perhaps. He stands up and starts walking in circles.

“I know but…” But what? But you’re not her? But she hates me now? But her brother hinted that maybe she doesn’t like us being together? But what?! “But I can’t do this either.” Edoardo wants to painfully tear down every hair on his head.

“Are you being serious right now?” she asks after what it felt like hours of silence.

“I wish I weren’t, but I want to be honest with you and I don’t think this is going to work.” He sits down on his bed, suddenly he doesn’t feel stable enough to be on his feet.

“Well, thank you then!” Alice chuckles but it feels bitter. “Even when I never planned for this thing to go anywhere, I don’t like to be someone’s second choice. So, thank you for telling me, Edoardo, but I would’ve wished for you to have the guts to say it to my face”. She doesn’t sound angry and the curly—haired boy can’t help but think if she would use the word “disappointed” to describe him right now.

“I’m sorry” his words sound weak, muffled by the hand covering his face.

“Don’t be. I don’t care.” She says without emotions. “Was it all or there’s something else you need?”

“N-No. That was all.” He’s feeling more and more miserable. He shouldn’t have called her.

“Okay. Have a good weekend, Edoardo.” He senses the sarcasm and wants to slap himself. “Bye.” She hangs up without giving him the time to reply.

Edoardo stands next to his kitchen’s door, looking at Federico who is standing with his back at him and hasn’t noticed him yet. After Alice hanged up on him, he threw himself on his bed, tried to get a nap but failed. Tried to read but failed. Tried to focus on anything but failed. So, he decided to leave his room, maybe he needed to be out of there to feel better.

“Hey!” Federico’s voice brings him back to reality. “I didn’t hear you arrive” he relaxes against the counter.

“I broke up with Alice” Edoardo says with both hands on his jean’s pockets. “Not actually break up, but you get me”. He knows Federico gets him; he always does.

“Are you-” Federico’s looking at him with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I’m fine, man.” He laughs tiredly.

“Okay” Fede whispers and Edoardo can see the idea popping on his eyes as his smile grow. “What do you want for dinner?” he asks casually. “I was just about to go knock your door; you know? I feel like doing something elaborated. Just ask for it and I’ll cook it.” Fede starts moving around the kitchen, opening doors. “You know what I was also thinking? It’s been a while since we cooked for the boys. Why don’t we call them?” He turns around with a saucepan in his left hand. “What do you say about lasagna?” Edoardo smiles brightly. He’s amused. Yes, Federico’s the person who always gets him on his nerves. Federico always asks things Edoardo doesn’t want to reply. Federico always ruins his favorites shirts and steal his shoes. But Federico is one of the people Edoardo loves the most and he doesn’t know what he would do if he didn’t have him by his side.

“What?” his best friend asks, mirroring his smile.

“Nothing.” Edo smiles effortlessly crossing his arms. “Lasagna sounds good”.

Tuesday 06:15 – April 7, 2020 – Can we surrender?

Edoardo’s sitting in the back seat of his own car, feeling tired and missing the warm of his bed. Last night most of them reunited at Chicco’s and Rocco’s apartment. Actually, it was all of them except for Marti, Nico and Eleonora. The first two had a solid reason: Nico wasn’t feeling well and going out wouldn’t help him. Eleonora, in the other hand, had no explanation at all and when one of the boys questioned Eva, the redhead, said she wasn’t feeling well but Edoardo swears her eyes drifted to him when she spoke.

Chicco was the one in chard of the raffle, and Sana was the only one who demanded to drive, so, she would be the pilot of her car, with Federico as her co-driver and Nico, Luca and Silvia in the back. Federico’s car will be driven by Giovanni, Federica’s his co-pilot and Eva, Nathan and Rocco in the back. The last car was Edoardo’s and he already knew who would be in it. Quickly Federico tried to convince Chicco to change the passengers but the blonde boy was completely against it. He said it was the universe decision and they should respect it. Edoardo knew he was lost when Giovanni tried to persuade him that Nico and Marti should go in the same car and Chicco didn’t even listened.

So, here was Edoardo. In the back of his own car that was driven by Chicco, passenger seat occupied by Martino. Elia by his side and parking in front of Eleonora’s building. He hasn’t seen or spoken to Eleonora since Sunday’s afternoon and he’s scared she will deny to share a car with him.

When both girls close the door, Chicco jumps out of the car. “I need to pee.” He screams like a kid, running to Eleonora’s and Eva’s direction.

“Are you serious?” Edoardo hears Eva asks him, and he notices Eleonora staring at the ground.

“Very.”

“Chicco you peed in my apartment!” Nico yells from Sana’s car, parked between Federico’s and Edoardo’s.

“It’s a six-hours trip!” Chicco shouts, making sure all his friends hear him from their cars. Edoardo sees Martino silently laughing in the front seat, while Elia throws himself on top of Edoardo to get to the door. “Let him pee, for God’s sake, or I’ll pee on your backpacks!” He yells getting his head out of the window. Eva rolls her eyes. “I’ll open the door for him.” She says to Eleonora and disappears with Chicco inside the building.

Edoardo watches Giovanni approach Eleonora and take Eva’s travel bag. Eleonora walks right to his car. Their eyes meet for a split of a second and next thing he knows he’s taking the keys out of the engineer and jumping out the car. “Let me help you.” He says taking her backpack from her hand. It’s way smaller than Eva’s, he thinks because he doesn’t allow himself to contemplate the way their fingers brushed.

“Edo.” She murmurs behind him, and he almost drop her backpack inside the truck. “Edoardo.” Eleonora clears her throat.

“Yeah?” He uncertainly turns to face her.

“I’m sorry.” She looks very different from Sunday. She seems small, wrapped into that big sweater. Edoardo realizes he missed her. “I’m sorry for the other day.” She nervously fixes her hair behind her ear. “I talked to Eva… and Filo.” The breeze hits Edoardo’s back and he notices how Eleonora hugs herself. He wants to hold her, but he can’t. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and I said some not very nice things. I’m sorry.” It seems like it took her a lot of effort to hold his gaze but she did it anyway.

“Ele, you don’t have to apologize.” He ducks his head, leaning close to her.

“Yes, I do. The idea of more people… knowing… I…” she exhales frustrated and Edoardo rubs her arm. “I was wrong, and I have to apologize for that. It’s okay if you don’t-”

“Ele, I forgive you.” He chuckles. “And I’m sorry, too.”

“Okay.”

“Good morning, beautiful.” Chicco loudly kisses Eleonora’s cheek and closes the car’s truck. He and Eva must have gotten out while Edoardo was too caught up on Eleonora’s words to notice. “Let’s go?” He asks smiling at both of them. Ele nods and the three of them walk to the front of the vehicle. Eleonora sits in the middle, next to Elia and Edoardo besides the door. He tries to leave as much space between them as possible, still not sure if they’re actually okay.

Edo’s looking over the window and hear Federico’s and Sana’s cars start driving away, closely followed by his own car.

“What you think you’re doing?” Chicco’s voice forces him to turn to Elia.

“Sleeping.” He replies covering Eleonora legs with the blanket that is already covering his. “Edo?” the dark-haired boy meets his eyes. “It’s long enough for the three of us.” He offers him the blanket and, after thinking for a second, Edoardo gets closer to Eleonora and covers himself, too. Eleonora smiles at him.

“You can’t sleep in our road trip!” Chicco complains, looking at Elia through the mirror.

“It’s a six-hours trip, dude. Let me sleep an hour.”

“Forty-five minutes.” Marti’s head pops up in front of them.

“Fine, Marti.” Elia rolls his eyes. “Forty-five minutes. But play some nice music.” He teasingly pushes Martino’s head back to the front of the car.

“Put some Ed Sheeran.” Ele asks, opening a book.

“Fine, but I’m waking you up with Nirvana, Santini.” Chicco states already choosing the music on his phone.

Elia smiles proudly and curls himself next to Eleonora, resting his head on her shoulder. Edoardo watches the scene: Eleonora relaxes against the seat, un-bothered by the weight of Elia’s head on her.

“You want to use me as a pillow, too?” she jokes turning towards Edoardo. She’s smiling at him like she always did. “Don’t move.” Elia protests, settling her arm on the perfect spot for him to rest on. Martino and Chicco laugh low at Elia demands and Edoardo thinks he would like to take a nap, too. Mirroring his friend’s actions, he gets comfortable on the seat and rests his head close to Eleonora’s neck. It smells like strong perfume and… Ele, he likes it. He knows he’s gonna sleep well.

Chicco was the last one to be dropped around lunch time. He drove Edoardo’s car to his house and gave it back to his owner, who took a lot of time to walk to the driver door and steer away. He didn’t want to go home alone, but he has nowhere to go either. He knows he could have gone with Federico and his family but he has already crashed enough Canegallo’s holidays for a lifetime.

He drives slowly, taking his time to appreciate the streets of his hometown. Milan is incredible, but sometimes he misses Rome. The road trip was better than he could’ve imagined. Even when Eleonora was right by his side, he didn’t feel nervous of anxious, in the other hand, he felt as peace.

Edoardo tried to sleep but he couldn’t, however still appreciated the time with his head on Eleonora’s shoulder. Right after Chicco waked Elia up with loud music, Nico called Marti so he will hear Sana and Silvia funny bickering. Elia called Gio so he will hear it, too and suddenly all of them started a conversation through the phones. When they had almost four hours in, Chicco decided he wanted to do karaoke and made sure to call the people in the other cars, too. They all ended up screaming ‘Buon Viaggio’ to the top of their lungs.

Edoardo is close to his house and he hates the feeling of loneliness that fills his body. He wishes his grandmother were in town, but she was on a trip with her friends and wouldn’t come home until Friday night, Edo plans to go pick her up at the airport, but until then, he has nothing to do or nowhere to go.

His house is still the same. Since he moved to Milan, it has been mostly un-habituated; however, his grandmother made sure that it would be permanently cleaned and perfect for any of them to come by surprise.

His home feels big, cold and empty and Edoardo wishes he would have stayed in Milan, at least, he felt more at home in that apartment than in the house he grew up into. The walls are filled by art pieces and some photos of Edoardo’s mom here and there, mostly close to his bedroom. He always felt like it was the only one that actually cared about keeping her memory alive.

He throws himself on his bed and looks at the ceiling, the walls full with bands posters and polaroid of his villa boys. They definitely were the only constant in his life.

Edoardo stands up, feeling uncomfortable inside his room, walks through the corridor to the living room, tries to lay on the couch and watch a movie, tries to cook something but fails miserably. He wants to get out of his own skin.

Half day goes by like that, Edoardo ghosting around his house without really habituating it, letting time goes by. When the sun is about to go down Edoardo finds himself in his kitchen, using the counter as a chair while eating some cookies he found inside the cupboard. His phone is in his hands, he’s wondering if he should call her or let it go. He wants to call her; he wants to hear her voice. He needs to know she’s doing okay. So, he presses the button and waits, impatiently moving both legs, after three tones, he’s ready to press the red button but a soft voice in the other side of the line stops him.

“Hello?” the brunette girl speaks.

“Laura, hi.” He hesitates, biting his bottom lip.

“Edo! How are you?” She sounds genuinely happy to hear him and it makes Edoardo want to cry.

“I’m… doing alright. What about you?”

“I’m fine. I’m at Genoa with my parents. Where are you? Are you staying in Milan or traveling somewhere?” She asks him casually. Edoardo wonders if she’s sitting on a bed, hugging her legs the way she always did when she received a call.

“No, uh… I’m actually in Rome. I wanted to know if you were here, too. You know, to see you.” He feels stupid.

“I’m sorry, but I won’t be going back to Rome until summer. Are you with your grandma?”

“No, I came with my friends. Chicco wanted to go on a road trip and we can’t say no to Chicco.” He smiles to himself, knowing she’s aware of it.

“How are they doing?” she sounds absent to Edoardo’s ears; almost like a stranger.

“They’re all doing alright. They still get me into a lot of trouble, but they’re good kids.” He adores his friends, and talking about them always makes him… delighted.

Laura laughs and Edoardo wishes he could laugh with her but the pressure on his chest is getting bigger and bigger every second.

“Edo?” she speaks softly. “You still with me?”

“I’m sorry.” He vomits the words. “I’m sorry.” He repeats more stable, closing his eyes hardly.

“Edo…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Edo, there’s nothing you have to be sorry about.” If he could draw, he would draw her on a bed, with her curls falling everywhere and the darks circle under her eyes that never disappeared, not even after hours of sleep. “Edo, it wasn’t your fault. I want you to remember that.”

“I know.” He murmurs so low that he isn’t sure she heard it. “But I’m still sorry.”

“I understand.”

“H-How… how is college?” he tries to pull himself together. “Do you like it? Have you got yourself a boyfriend?”

“Everything is okay. I really do like it and no. I have had a few dates here and there but nothing really serious.” She shuts herself abruptly, and Edoardo knows she’s debating if it’s okay to say whatever it is on her mind. “I think… I think it takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable in front of others and… I’m not on that state… yet.”

“I’m sorry.” He has said those words to her a thousand times before but it doesn’t feel enough, it will never feel enough. He wishes he could go back in time and change things, take her pain. But he can’t.

“I’m sorry, too”. Edoardo swears her lips are trembling.

“I’m sorry for calling, but I really wanted to hear from you.”

“You don’t have to apologize!” She sounds joyful again. “You can always call me. To be honest, I wanted to call you, too. Maybe we could get coffee or something this summer?” she suggests and Edo smiles. “Yes, I’d love to see you!”

“Great. If I go to Milan before summer, I’d make sure to let you know.” Edoardo feels her smiling.

“I’d do the same if I go to Naples.” He replies.

“I like talking to you, Edo. But I gotta go now.”

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry for taking time from your vacation.” He feels stupid again.

“It’s okay. Say hi to your friends for me, would you?”

“I will.” He promises her.

“Bye, Edo.”

“Bye, Laura.” He waits for her to hang up and jumps off the counter, forcing his feet to walk to the living room. He wishes his life were less messy sometimes. He wishes he could go back in time.

Tuesday 19:03 – April 7, 2020 – I surrender

Edoardo took a shower and changed his jeans for his most comfortable pajama pants. He’s now sitting on the couch, watching a kids movie, still feeling the pressure on his chest. His phone has been vibrating for the last hour, all his friends sending photos of themselves with their families to the group chat. Edoardo didn’t open it. He didn’t have anyone to take photos with.

When he hears a knock on his front door, he doesn’t move, thinking that maybe it was his mind playing games with him, or maybe the sound came from his neighbors’ house. But when the knock fills his ears again, he knows it’s real. He tries to fix his clothes and walks to the entrance.

“Hey, buddy!” Chicco says smiling wide.

“Hey…” Edoardo replies, confused.

“Can I crash here for a while? My family is too bored of me already.” He doesn’t wait for Edo to answer. He walks inside and practically throws himself to the couch. “’Spy Kids!’” He points at the tv and turns his head to find Edoardo. “I love that movie.”

“I know.” Edoardo smiles the way he would smile to a kid and sits next to him.

“Where’s your grandma? I like this movie better with her cookies.” Chicco speaks without taking his eyes off of the screen.

“She’s not in town.” Edoardo replies, ashamed to confirm he was alone the whole day while his friends were spending it with their families.

“Oh.” Chicco looks at him. “Good thing I’m here, then. Right?” He leans close to Edoardo, who shoves him away smiling. “What did you do all day? Did you cook naked?” Chicco jokes and Edo know he’s waiting for him to continue the joke, but he physically can’t.

“I called Laura.” He says looking at the ground and notices Chicco’s body freezing by his side.

“Oh.” It’s the only sound that leaves his friend’s mouth. “How… How is she doing?” He asks surer, turning to face Edoardo with his whole body.

“She says she’s okay, but she doesn’t have a boyfriend because she isn’t ready yet.”

“Well, some people take more time to… heal.” There are only a couple of times where Chicco is serious about anything and right now is one of those times.

“I feel like shit.” Edoardo lets his head fall into his hands.

“Man, it’s not your fault.”

“How is not my fault? It’s my brother; she was my girlfriend. She came here looking for me, because I was dumb enough to not notice her calls. How is it not my fault? If… If I would’ve been home or… or I- told her.” He can’t find the words. He hasn’t been able to find the right words in the last two years. When Andrea met Laura, he knew he would try to mess it up for Edoardo; he always did. And Edoardo let him do it, by not being careful enough, by thinking his brother would be decent just for once. He let him hurt Laura. Yes, Andrea got her drunk and took off her clothes. Yes, she woke up naked next to Andrea but it wouldn’t have happened if Edoardo would’ve acted differently.

“The ‘what if’ are bullshit!” Chicco says determinant. “If every human would’ve followed the ‘what if’ path this world might not exist today, or it might be ten times worse that already is. Edo, brother, awful things happen all the time, and they’re out of our hands. But the recover isn’t out of our hands and we either move on or we let it drown us with it. Laura moved on; she left this town behind; she left the horrible memories behind but she didn’t let you behind, because you’re not the one to blame here.” He’s pressing his hand on Edoardo’s knee, and the curly-haired boy decides to focus on that instead of looking at his face. “Yes, it’s terrible for her, and it’s terrible it was your own brother but it happened and you can’t go back in time. Even if you go back in time, you can’t make sure the events won’t happen. It’s terrible but it’s the truth and beating yourself up won’t fix it. On the contrary, it would hurt you even more. So, you can’t keep doing this.” Chicco’s the one who constantly joke, the one who lets everyone laughing so much their stomachs hurt, but Edoardo knows he’s more than that; he’s attentive and good at listening, and he isn’t afraid of being too hard on someone if he knows it is what that someone needs.

“I don’t know what to do.” Edo confesses sitting straight again. Chicco’s hand still on his knee.

“I’ll tell you what you gonna do: You gotta get your ass off this couch, you will go to your kitchen, make some popcorn, bring it back and we both will watch ‘Spy Kids’ and we will laugh our asses off. Then, we will go to my house, force my mom to cook for us -she loves you more than me- and then we will have a sleepover like we did when we were 13.” Chicco speaks holding a finger up. “And then, tomorrow, you’ll have fun with your friends, and the day after that… you’ll figure it out. But you won’t isolate yourself.”

“I’m not isolating myself.” Edoardo tries to defend himself.

“Aren’t you? Man, we had dinner at your house the other day and you spoke three words. You can physically be with people and still isolate yourself.” Edo nods absent.

“It wasn’t on purpose.” He confesses. Lately, he has been thinking about Laura a lot and blaming himself.

“I know you didn’t. But you gotta promise me, that next time these thoughts come back, you’ll tell me or Fede, or anyone for that matter.” Chicco is actually concern about Edoardo. He doesn’t want his best friend to go down that dark road again.

Edoardo nods again and try to focus on the TV but a pillow covers his face unexpectedly. “What are you doing?” He tries to ask under the pillow.

“You won’t watch the movie until I get my popcorn.” Chicco speaks laughing, pressing the cushion on his face.

“Are you serious?” He starts laughing at the duality his friend holds inside.

“Very serious.” The blonde guy replies and Edoardo feels his body pressing his into the couch. It’s getting hard to breath but he doesn’t care, he can breathe later, now he has to laugh.

Wednesday 20:50 – April 8, 2020: Whenever you’re ready

Edoardo and his friends decided to get some drinks at the Caffè close to their high school, just for the sake of nostalgia. The first thirty minutes were great, but after their second round they became too loud, and when a waitress asked them to low their voices, they jointly decided it was the time to move their reunion to somewhere else.

And that’s how they ended up in Edoardo’s home. Walking through his living room, looking at his friend dancing and screaming, he can’t believe how different his house feels compared to the last twenty-four hours. It doesn’t feel cold or empty; it feels warm. It feels like home. Edoardo smiles to himself, heading to the kitchen to grab himself a beer. The kitchen feels warm, too, although it may be for the presence habituating it.

“Hey.” Eleonora smiles at him front the counter, she’s sitting in the exact same place Edoardo was yesterday when he called his ex-girlfriend.

“Hey.” They haven’t been alone since Sunday’s afternoon and even when Edoardo knows she isn’t mad at him anymore; he still feels disturbed. “Why are you here alone?” he walks to her.

“Filo.” She moves her phone, gesticulating a call. “I wanted him to know I’ll be home late.” Eleonora smiles shyly and Edoardo wishes he could simply hug her. “I really like your house.” She continues. “I came here to a party.”

“What?” Edoardo asks, resting his hips by her side.

“Yeah. I think it was yours and Nico’s last year of high school. Him and Marti had just started dating and Nico told us that his friend told him to bring as many friends as he wanted, so we came. Not all of us, though. Eva and Gio were broken up by then so it was just me, Silvia and the boys.” She explains smiling more to herself than to Edoardo.

“I remember that party! I met Martino there.” Edoardo’s grin is bigger than Eleonora’s. He can’t believe they were in the same places so many times and never crossed paths.

“I know. And, you know, Elia got wasted so bad that I left early and took him home with me. He slept on the couch and when I woke up the next morning, him and Filippo were having breakfast and chatting.” She looks at his eyes. “Your party is practically the reason why they’re together!” she pushes his shoulder lightly, laughing.

“I can’t believe I never met you. I mean, what are the odds?” Edoardo speaks, losing himself in his thoughts. “We were in the same school; we had people in common, you were in my house and still, we didn’t meet until we were miles away from here. It feels like if it was forced to happen that way.” He wonders how life would’ve been if he would’ve met Eleonora when they were still in high school. Would he have dated Laura? Would she have dated that guy? Would they be together by now?

“Well, don’t mistake coincidence for fate, right?” There’s something in the way Eleonora says those words that confuses Edoardo. “You don’t know that quote?” She asks, eyes opened wide. Edoardo shakes his head.

“Edoardo Incanti, you don’t know that quote!” She’s exaggerating her annoyance, and Edoardo is amused. “I can’t believe it. Haven’t you watched Lost?” she asks in a high voice.

“It’s definitely on my to-watch list.” He confesses smiling.

“Oh, my God!” She throws her arms in the air, pretending to be shocked. “I can’t be friends with someone this ignorant, for God’s sake.” She covers her face with both hands and Edoardo crosses his arms in front of his chest, enjoying the scene. “That’s it.” She speaks removing her hands from her face. “This is over. We’re no longer friends until you watch Lost.” She crosses her arms and eagerly turns her face to avoid eye contact.

“Ele.” Edoardo calls her name, leaning closer.

“Only my friends call me ‘Ele’. You’re not my friend.” She curls on herself, with her head still turned but Edoardo can see a smile breaking through her features.

“Ele, would you like to be my friend again?” He asks playfully, touching her arm.

“No.” she moves away. “I’m not friend with uneducated people.”

“Ele…”

“Eleonora.” He finds her eyes for a second, but she quickly turns away.

“Eleonora.”

“Yes, Edoardo?” She’s trying too hard to keep a blank expression and if Edoardo could, he would kiss her right now.

“Would you like to be my friend?” He asks again, slowly this time.

“No.” Same answer.

Edoardo takes a deep breath and stands still, deliberately choosing his next words. “Would you like to be more than my friend?” He closes his eyes; his hand on the counter is resting next to her, close enough for Edoardo to notice Eleonora’s body tensing. “Ele?” He whispers, eyes still closed and his curls brushing her shoulder.

“W-What… What do you mean?” She asks carefully, and Edoardo lift his head to find her big green eyes looking intensely in his direction.

“You know what I mean. You’re a smart girl.” He tries to smile but isn’t sure if his muscles are moving.

“Edo…” Eleonora looks at her hands on her lap and Edoardo covers them with his. “Edo, you don’t want this.” She whispers.

“Yes, I do.” He fixes her hair because he needs to touch her, to be in contact with her.

“No, you don’t.” Eleonora takes her hands away from his grip. “What about that girl?”

“What girl?” Edoardo doesn’t contemplate anything but her.

“The girl you were with the other day at your house. The blonde one. Aren’t you two together?” she looks at his eyes, searching for an answer.

“It’s nothing. I already cut it off… because of… us.” He allows himself to gently touch her cheek and Eleonora dives in for a moment but rapidly snap herself out of it. “There’s no us. Edo, we’re friends.” She sounds like she was trying to teach a kid a lesson.

“But it could be. Ele, you… I want to be around you all the time and when I’m not, I’m thinking about you; what you said, what you didn’t said, what you might think of anything. I like more than just the way you look. I like being around you and how I feel when I’m with you.” He takes both hands away from her, to give her space and starts speaking fast. “I know it isn’t convenient because we’re friends and if it doesn’t work it could hurt a lot of people but I also know I want to try because you’re worthy, Eleonora and our friends think it’s worthy and they will always support us. And I know you have bad experiences, I have them, too. But those bad experiences can’t define us, can they? We’re both young and we should try again. I know it can work. I know we can make it work. I’d never hurt you, Ele, I promise you, you can trust me.” He exhales loudly and waits for Eleonora to take his words in.

“I…” she doubts and holds herself tighter, avoiding Edoardo’s eyes. “I can’t be a girlfriend, and I don’t want to, either.” Eleonora inhales, finding strength. “I really like to be around you, to be your friend. But I don’t want to date you, Edo. I don’t want to date anyone. I’m still not ready to be on a relationship and to do all the things people on relationships do without being affected by my past.” Her voice breaks, and Edoardo holds her hands again.

“I’m not asking you do to anything you don’t feel comfortable with. We don’t have to be like anyone; we have to be us and do what makes us happy. That’s all I want.” He’s strongly staring at her face, trying to make eye contact.

“I don’t want to.” She lifts her head and they’re close, way too close.

“Ele…” a tear falls from her eye and Edoardo dries it away.

“I’m sorry, but it isn’t right for you… or me.” She’s fighting her own emotions, trying to stay calm.

“You can’t know that if you don’t try it.” Edoardo smiles sadly.

“I know it. I do know it and we can’t. I’m really sorry, but-” her voice breaks mid-sentence and the brunette girl closes her eyes, inhaling deeply, not caring about the tears falling.

“Ele, please don’t cry.” He’s caressing her hair, trying to help her calm herself.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers and Edoardo lets his face rest on her vibrating shoulder. “I’m sorry.” She says again moving away from him. Jumping off the counter and making her way out of the room, to the bathroom, probably.

Edoardo stays there. Maybe he should follow her and make sure none of his friends find her like that, but he knows that seeing him will make her cry more. So, he just stands there, the music and laugh of his friends feel muffled; his home feels cold again and his body weights as if he would be carrying a car on his shoulder. Edoardo only stands there with both hands on the counter, head ducked, reliving the last minutes on his mind, wishing he could go back and time and never speak or even never meet her. A warm hand covers the top of his back, and he knows who it belongs to but he can’t speak or lift his head, not yet.

“Edo?” his friend asks, worried. Edoardo slowly turns to face him. “What happened?” Federico leaves his beer on the counter, putting both hands on Edoardo’s each shoulder.

“I told Eleonora. But she doesn’t want to be with me.” His shoulders fall in resignation. “I fuck it up, man.”

“No, you didn’t.” Federico squeezes his arms. “You didn’t fuck it up. You did the right thing, alright? From now on… we’ll figure it out. She needs time; you need time. It’ll be okay.” He holds his gaze. “It’ll be okay, man.” Federico smiles confidently and Edoardo wishes he’s right. He wants things to be okay.

#skam italia #incantava #this is a long one i apologize

44 notes · View notes