greenlightblueeyes

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“tonight” - jan 4 2024 3:14am

tonight I am sitting on my couch in an awkward pretzel position, wearing pj pants 2 sizes too big because they’re soft as butter, and a milk-stained bralette, supporting your tiny body and listening to your soft breathing and the ticking of the clock and the landlord’s tv she never shuts off. Tonight is a moment of calm, after a storm of a last day that almost broke me several times.

tonight I am reading a heartbreak piece written 6 years prior, and reflecting on how my life is in the exact spot that I had wished it would be, but wasn’t sure it ever could: a sweet baby girl nestled in the crook of my arm, with my loving husband sleeping soundly just a room over. I didn’t know he existed 6 years ago, but you did in my dreams.

tonight I should be trying to lay you back down in your bassinet so I can maybe sleep for a moment or two, but I’m sitting here writing this piece because I don’t want to forget how this juxtaposition feels. All of motherhood so far seems to be gambling choices of which self care is most important - sleep, food, something that makes me feel human and knocks out temporarily these post partum blues and I’m never sure I make the right choice.

tonight I will try to drag my sore body off the couch and join my husband in bed, feel his warmth and remember I am a wife and not just a mother, and maybe I’ll close my eyes and dream a little bit before your cries wake me right back up into the next iteration of this never ending cycle. Tonight, at some point, or maybe this morning, I’ll shift from content and contemplative to haggard and panicked, but then something like your eyes mesmerized by the sunrise or your peaceful eyelids sleeping will snap me back into heaven, even if just for a moment.

“tonight”- jan 4th 2018 12:16am

tonight I am sitting here on my floor by my bed in sweats, alone, drinking bud from a can and listening to a playlist called “romantic spanish morning” with tears dried on my face.

tonight I am not entirely certain why I am doing any of these things but I also know exactly why and it’s because you’re away from me and you’re with a girl but really you’re just with a person because she’s a bro and there’s nothing there but maybe there’s nothing here either anymore and maybe you don’t know that or maybe you do (you don’t).

tonight I will listen to sweet spanish love songs with lyrics I can’t understand because when I do understand the words they make my heart ache in the best and worst of ways because that’s us, or what could be us, or what should be us, or what is probably everything that will never be us.

tonight I will crawl into bed at some obscure hour into the wrinkled anxious sheets left from this morning, having shed your sweats and pulled on some childish pjs, sipping water to keep wet the lips I’ll only ever see as yours, listening to my heavy breathing against a painfully silent backdrop cruelly reminding me of how lonely late nights and early mornings are, with tears dried, or not, on my face.

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Let the record show that sometimes when you know, you know because 5 years later almost to the hour I am reading this memory while that boyfriend-made-husband sleeps beside me, as I nurse our two-week-old newborn with that very name this post was about.

And yes, it pairs great, not only with his - our - last name but also with his grandma’s name as her middle.

Our sweet Adeline Ann.

Now if only I had some of that ice cream to really make this a full circle moment…

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Sebastian Rück

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Loga di Carezza by Kyle Bonallo (ig: @kylebonallo)

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Lone Caribou.

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46°37'07.2"N 12°18'39.7"E

instagram/oftwolands

www.oftwolands.com

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Riquewihr, Alsace, France (by Etienne Ehret)

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4 years ago, standing on the roof of the Catedral de Santiago, looking out over countless pilgrims from every corner of the earth stamping their last steps into boots and sandals worn by hundreds of kilometers. Sharing narrow alleys and holy relics and an indescribable sense of humbling, joyful pride with generations before me, united by The Way. Each year, today serves as a day to reflect on how much has changed since this moment, how many graces I can trace back to it, and what parts of myself, found on the trail, that may need revival. Forever grateful for the Camino. (at Santiago de Compostela, Spain) https://www.instagram.com/p/Ceh1D78u_YfGtdYx40OUFiDEonPi1q1FOoj26U0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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After 5 months of double wedding detox, it’s probably time to share some photos from part 2. The morning of, at mama’s house with homemade cake and my favorite gals. If you’re wondering what was happening behind the scenes… me doing pre-honeymoon laundry at my mom’s because we hadn’t packed for Croatia yet, my 6 sheet spreadsheet detailing (incorrectly) every moment of the weekend timeline, almost leaving the house without the flowers, and being late (as expected) to the wedding. In other words, a very Martine morning, grounded by the best bridesmaids, fam, and wedding vendors . . Photos by @sincerelydjphoto Hair & makeup by @beautyy_bygi (at Ossining, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CYsqunTM_MDaEbQN4AYbRCHjx-5mzmneW6pkDk0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Rejoice, Rejoice! 🌟 3 Christmases worth of extreme baby gift reactions, ugly sweaters, delicious food, and celebrating Jesus with my favorite people, all packed into one weekend. https://www.instagram.com/p/CYDJSrBrmAfBHgtlVOCvgYwmDVfRq7kz15GuLA0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Ready for part 2 tomorrow with my sweet love, but mostly ready to start life sans-wedding (re)planning. Like this post if you think we should plan a part 3…. @sabinadeelight you’re on board yeah? (at Saint Augustine Roman Catholic Church) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSA51_vLSE2Y78SiegIYrNMRNsTSKOC0B4wCwI0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Happy I can say “a little party never killed nobody” again 😅 Being 1 week out from wedding pt. 2 warrants a shoutout to my fabulous maid of honor, bridesmaids, and mamma who threw me the best belated bridal shower last month. Gatsby puns, art-deco decorations, my aunt, and all my most amazing ladies-in-law in one room was enough to make my heart burst. (at Cortlandt Colonial Restaurant & Ballroom) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRxtfkHhm6r0MWgIKEF9wwnEDMnb0l_9NIzcD80/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Happy quarter century to the Chad to my Troy 🏀 Except instead of tossing basketballs we toss salad in bowls. Basically the same skill set. Gabs has been one of the most stable parts of my life since middle school. By my side through any and everything, both metaphorically and literally during our weekly post-grad meal preps, being without her for a 14 month quarantine was one of the hardest parts of the pandemic to swallow. Even worse was that it happened for the last 5 months of us still living in our hometown, only 10 minutes apart. While I miss the random visits and errand trips that, I know I’ve got nothing to worry about because our friendship is the kind that means our future families will grow up alongside each other. Wishing the best birthday to the sweetest, brightest, most beautiful soul - God really had my back when he put you in my life! ♥️ Swipe for footage of our post-vaccine reunion, that quite characteristically involves us almost getting locked out of my apartment because of wind 😂 (at Harbor Island Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQztfgshTJr8XPo02P5S30SAehRHayw32HyHEM0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Happy Mother’s Day to my beautiful mamma 💝 Each day I grow more and more grateful for the way you raised me, for access to secret family recipes, for endless cooking and baking advice, for the wanderlust I learned from you, and for all the maternal nagging that I now realize was teaching me how to run my own household one day. Oh, and for putting up with all my crazy antics that miraculously haven’t caused any gray hairs. I love you tons and tons! https://www.instagram.com/p/COrSmmUhhYU_7MJO58-W_SLvbZj0aCRb_Y6rfY0/?igshid=wd6w066lnl2o

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99 days til our wedding déjà vu, 100 days til rescheduled Croatia, 265 days since our tiny COVID wedding and I never posted a single honeymoon pic of us (at Cayuga Lake State Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/COEm9ojBQWIVfL7TxlzRBQTwuZeoJEhuhj9yjg0/?igshid=c97m2roq4cwh

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Desert Brush, Joshua Tree – December 27th, 2020

Instagram: @matthewgrantanson

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Café , Shanghai 2018

Praktica MTL50, Kodak Ektar 100