grandpageepa

[grandpageepa]

Here I am laying in bed next to a snoring man. The entire night has been filled with loud sounds. The elephants in the room have also made their presence known because as the room is dark, it is filling up with noise. I can't sleep so I decided to write. I am writing on behalf of my own heartbreaks from a life time ago. How I pick myself up when the relationship ends and it's all I've known? It took 14 years of dating some real lowlives to get acquainted with myself and how I can save myself. When I was younger, my twin sister and I grew up on Disney. My mom couldn't afford a babysitter back then so we were left with some Disney vhs and we sat there in front of the screen like good kids except for when I stuck a pearl up my nose. There were very low instances where it was truly urgent. The thing Disney taught me was backwards. I were to be a damsel in distress and a very strong man with delightful hair would save me from my troubles and healed the wounds I had. As ironic as it was leaving us to fend for ourselves at such a young age, it was ironic that I was taught subsciously to depend on someone else to help me out of a bad situation namely a man in all his glory.

Now that I'm an adult, a woman, and someone who has gone through their fair share of relationship woes and turmoil, I speak from the heart when I say we rob ourselves of the opportunity to heal ourselves when we tell ourselves in all of our own glory that someone other than ourselves would come out of the woodwork and dry our eyes for us. When I feel completely shattered, I have a relationship with myself and I tell myself that I don't let myself down. I don't let myself stay in bad places too long in my head and I fight the discomfort. It sounds harsh but it really is. I feel entanglements of stress, unresolved knots in my chest but those can be ironed out. Our own self talk creates our prison and that's where we tell ourselves that we deserve to be. This isn't true. We tell ourselves things so we can stop expecting because we realize that the things we want so badly to hear and to happen doesn't carry the weight of someone else but ourselves and if we just let that voice in, we can really understand where it's coming from. We owe it to ourselves to pick ourselves back up because no one knows where we've been more than ourselves. That deep dark and treacherous place was really that dark, no one can judge your perception of what you know. Stop allowing people the audacity to downgrade your experiences as if you've lived your whole life to meet with their opinion of you. There's a lot of self help out there and the reality is that we need to help ourselves help ourselves. It's the only way. I tell myself and in doing so, I remind myself that everyone needs a reminder to consider themselves as not a firing squad target or a witness on a stand but a person who has real feelings and should have the clarity to reflect and understand where it's at. Don't let people tell you how to feel about something. Just feel it yourself and you'll know it's real.

[grandpageepa]

I've got so much to say and I don't want to say it. I don't want to manifest my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy into the universe. There's always been a heightened level of that in my family particularly with my dad and he's been a huge inspiration with why I feel what I feel and feel such a connectivity to doing the things I feel.

Why are you doubting yourself?

Why do we live with absolute certainty or lack of?

What is it that provides motion when there is no momentum? how do we unmatch ourselves? how do we not take other people's perception of us into our heart and know exactly what we're looking to achieve?

Why am I struggling and stressing thoughts that I conquered ages ago? I'm letting things eat my soul when the whole time it's all I've had.

Writing to me has always been therapeutic. I ponder out loud in silence.

[grandpageepa]

hi

looks like i've got my mind back - there's a lot going on but there's a lot of space to think now because i've 86ed some distractions - namely Instagram. The mindless scrolling was taking over and it's a force of nature, to occupy the space and time but it stunts creativity and the ability to just think in peace. I feel like I'm more at ease now. I don't feel the constant need to feed my brain small bits of stimuli so I can't focus on anything.

Things can be so loud even in silence. You make the focus of your vision, your vision which it has no relevance or place in.

Nothing can be achieved with so many things being thrown at you at once, maybe for people who can operate under pretenses like that but I am easily distracted and to get caught up in that, it really shows.

What I want to say is that we spend a lot of time wasting time - instead of giving that time purpose. How can I be right with myself when I'm involved with all these things that have nothing to do with me?

How can I feel right in the world when I'm programmed to think there are things I should pay attention to except for what's on my plate?

We can only handle so much at one given time until we can't.

[grandpageepa]

This corporate life is killing my soul. It's ripping out my insides. On the exterior, everything's fine and dandy but I feel like years of my life are depleting at a fast rate and all I'm doing is making money. Money affords freedom, which is ultimately what I'm after. What does freedom look like? to me?

The ability to create, and manifest ideas into reality at my leisure. People don't tell people their dreams because people put themselves in a position to judge the wavelength of others, in their momentum in their most private times. Telling people things is a million daggers to the vital organs. Am I being dramatic? I write because I feel and I've been stationary in my thoughts for the longest time. I've remained pretty silent about all things going in my life thus far. There has been a lot, it feels like a lot.

A lot of it is great. In my own solace, I can say with great certainty and enthusiasm that things are beautiful. When things go right, I feel like things are going to go astray quickly. I don't want to be like this. I just want to keep riding the wave of bliss and happiness. I want great things to follow, not for just myself but everyone around me. I want to keep it pushing in the sunlight, sunset, all things glorified in the ultimate shiniest place ever.

I want the best for people. Life is so short. I harbor no ill feelings for anyone. I just want more from life. This can't be it. I can't be selling my soul. I can't commit 30 years of my life, there has to be another way although things are beautiful. I'm delighted and appreciative of my life. I just feel like I'm lacking direction. I'm lacking progression. I want things to flourish and the thing I fear the most is stagnancy, complacency, and pacification.

I don't really think too much of this until I'm alone in my own skin. That the timer starts working again. When I'm with you, things fall into place, that's how it feels but I can't help but feel.

[grandpageepa]

Wild Horses

The truth is that I like things my way. I like space around me to breathe. I feel safe with you in this world. I have never really felt safe in this life if I were saying the absolute truth. You're my escape from reality. I'm beside you but it feels like I'm aside from you. I've been strangers with someone in the same landscape for so very long without knowing who the other person actually was. Isn't that scary?

I think I can write a book on being ignored and silenced. I can write about dark times that I almost gave up on life. Without those dark times, I can't imagine that I would understand and relate to so much. Humility isn't what we learn from school, it's our heart and soul poured into an unforgiving pavement and through that, we are forced to see things as we never did. That's how I feel.

[grandpageepa]

Songbird

Why is tumblr showing me LIVE recommendations of women with their tits out? Time to resign from tumblr. 

These days I have little to say, I like to think of it as time I spend listening and observing. There is much to hear if you open your eyes and ears to it. So much has come through the floodgates, a blast of memories to the face. What am I suppose to do with this? 

Why do people feel the need to scream everything they want to communicate? Because they lack self awareness and fundamental incompetence to translate to others what they feel, because it is apparent that we usually are lost for a loop in our own feelings, now to communicate that to others, we scream it like it has a life of its own in this way. What a lack of self control. What I formally found strength in, I find weakness in now. I look at things as if I’ve never looked at it before. What I’ve discovered is a burial of what I once knew and thought I knew so well. 

[grandpageepa]

White wine & capers

What a delectable combination. I’ve lost my patience & passion in the kitchen but with you, suddenly it makes sense. When I do things out of necessity for so long without grasping the beauty of delivery & execution...I forget there’s magic in that. Like a force of nature breaking through. What sensibilities we fall victim to...like missing parts of life that should be exemplary. 

When some things go right, I can’t help but feel anxious. Can I trust you? I’ve been existing here in my own bubble for quite some time. I have imagined a life outside of myself, but how can I imagine a life with someone else? It’s too early to tell but some thoughts like this press on my mind because we have limited time to live a conscious life, a life that should be exemplary. Where does that puzzle piece fit? I feel uplifted, hopeful and happy but at the same time, the loss of my independence is apparent. I get distracted. I want you around. With you, I don’t feel the inclination to run but what if it becomes what I’ve been used to? the string of failed relationships that lasted too long, sucking the life and soul out of every beautiful day that arises. I want to spend the mornings with you and hear the birds singing melodies high above the trees and skies. What if I’m wrong? So many what ifs when things go as they should. The ease of anxiety creates more, propagates more. 

[grandpageepa]

Eminence Front

It’s been a long while since I’ve written here. Like thoughts out to sea and burdens off my brain - it goes out to the universe. 

First and foremost, I just want to say that I want you to be as happy you make me. 

[grandpageepa]

Time’s A Wasting

I thought what we needed for each other. Like it felt like I was speaking on both of our behalf, like we both found a piece of the puzzle we’ve been missing all along. Unfortunately, that’s not true because first and foremost, I believe in the power to heal yourself and without that, we’re just floating dust particles landing on one thing after another without much presence. We’re specks and we have no purpose. What’s the point? I don’t want a shitty version of someone I think is great. I don’t want to judge and build with you where you are, but where we absolutely could be. We can’t though because of all the entanglements in the thorn bushes, in the thickness of the fog, only you can work through your own blockages, obstacles, and things can clear up for you before they can ever come together and offer a fruitful and sustainable platter of happiness. It is bittersweet but I should know better from anyone, that the traumas of not working out your own shit will spill into everything good you could possibly cultivate. You must work out the knots that press you, stomp you out, make you feel like less, those are the things that only you can overcome. I believe in support along the way but it really starts with your own need to help yourself get through the shit that has the power to dismantle and destroy you on your best day. If you don’t look at the mirror for once in your life and come to terms with that shit, I can tell you who you are, anyone can tell you anything and how can you be sure it’s not true? Unless you know yourself, and no one can knock you off that step stool because you triumph over your own bullshit and you’ve worked it through your system and rebirthed yourself essentially with rewiring your own self. I believe in that shit, to harness the things that rob us of our good nature, and to move past it with our own security. No one can give that to us. It comes from within. Let’s begin.  

[grandpageepa]

Feel again

To love something so much beyond yourself is a gift and a curse. Who would I be if only material things tantalized me as much? What if I could find true happiness in a designer bag? Our frame of mind is as deep as it travels through the depths of it’s own limitations. I’ve been wanting to write, but at this moment it is compelling. I want to be moved with such force towards something that it changes me in some form or another. To settle, that’s nonsensical. 

To escape one’s self is the very opposite to transcend to a place where we can find the things that we can escape to. I gotta tell you that, you’re on my mind. Not because I desire human companionship but because you. 

[grandpageepa]

I wanna be loved

These days, I have nothing to say. I am drawing a blank. I told myself I wouldn’t write unless I feel compelled, the words need an exit so desperately - I feel moved to put it into action. At this time, I do not feel that way. So much going on that I don’t know what to do with. I know I should trust my gut, you know when things don’t feel right but they do but it can’t. That’s the shit I’m talking about. Currently, that is something that begs me to write about it. It’s a matter of trust. I don’t want to stray too far from the host. I know I’m playing myself by playing with you. It can’t happen like this, or at all. No matter how strong that feeling is, it’s not right. There is something that isn’t being seated properly. The object will not find its place in the universe, it’s shifting outwards and out of place. There is a reason and I will find it. For the millionth time, I will break my own heart to get to the truth. That’s the only way. 

[grandpageepa]

get it together

All those stories I wrote in my head about you just dissipated into thin air

like we never met before...a day in our lives

I romanticized like someone who had forgotten the pain, the feeling of being insignificant to someone else

the pain though is what encouraged me to put it into writing, the letting go part is giving me perspective and humility

things go into a karmic revolving door in a centrifugal motion

interruptions through the sound waves

all you hear is static... traffic on the other end

why is silence so familiar

why is pain so resounding

then it happens again, the feeling of longing

but it doesn't come to life

the pact of impact almost meeting at it's usual neighborhood coffee shop

warm, invigorating scents fill the atmosphere

you put your lips to a hot cup of coffee on a freezing day and you regain circulation in your fingertips but your heart

words can never explain...shots fired

you're on the ground but it doesn't stop

what is it about struggle that moves you back up off the floor?

you find yourself alone all over again

that's not the end though but it sure feels like it

at least the end of so much, like a vase holding the only water you'll ever drink

like flower petals falling making it's way to the bottom unable to be looked at the same way as on its stem

but it's a flower, it pulsates through the floor that it fell from

[grandpageepa]

Stand by me

You can’t paint walls without paint 

You can’t build on an unstable foundation 

You can’t stand in deep waters 

You can’t walk into a store and own items you didn’t pay for 

You can look in the mirror and lie all you want 

You can justify your intentions a hundred ways from Sunday 

but it doesn’t hold water, it doesn’t amount to weigh and it wouldn’t stand or be substantiated by any measure 

The lies we tell ourselves is a giant pill we try to stick our fingers down our throat to get down.  I am done being stupid and robbing myself of the very things I’ve built myself to stand for. You know you can really do yourself injustice by lying to yourself and pretending that everyone is ok when it isn’t. 

I know that from a long journey of unhappiness and many journeys back where I started and in a crowd of people, I found myself. Everyday we get an opportunity to spend time with the best company we know, and that starts from within. If we don’t want to hang out with ourselves, why should anyone want to? We make enemies along the way from what people tell themselves but it doesn’t define you, you know yourself to be true. I know I don’t sway where the wind blows. I know when you stand for shit, you know when things aren’t right and you spend endless hours, trying to fix it and pull yourself out. That’s what matters. The only option is to stop fighting, and we’re not really built for sitting idle. Some people are really good at it but what’s the point? I find myself driven by purpose or a sense of it. I have things to say but not directly, indirectly. I find the beauty in interpretation, in the fabrics of what is not being said, in the strength of the weave and the cohesion of it all. 

When things are finally going right, I feel less of an urge to speak with that momentum. I meant to go on but there’s nothing to say about that. Move in silence and whatever ails you, turn it into dialogue but make sure, it aligns with your image of yourself. That’s all I have to say for today. 

[grandpageepa]

Body & Soul

I can not fail the principles and values that I hold close to my heart. I can not live a life of untruths, it can not form itself into my reality. There is no basis for purposeful omission of the truth. I need to step away from the toxic glue that I'm on. I need to unstick myself and start over... like I've done. I need to move forward and collect my faults where they stand. I don't want to deal with the realness of life, so many things I am unable to fix.

I picture you sitting in your chair.... emotionally removed from me. I imagine you there and still I sit in my mind's eye watching you as you could not be bothered to take your eyes off the computer screen. Still I imagine and I can feel the crack in my heart breaking. Why I still feel pain, I can't communicate. I just know it hurts and I still feel it after the lifetime we've lived without each other. I could not say that I want the experience back but rather I can travel to it and imagine. In my imagination, I can feel... what I have felt and not want to feel what it is.... I've known to feel.

[grandpageepa]

you bring me joy when I'm feeling down....

I get lonely sometimes.

[grandpageepa]

My anxieties

depletes me 

removes reason 

racing heart rate 

sick to my stomach 

fatigue 

appetite suppressant 

loss of time 

trying to work a million tasks at once 

ruminating thoughts 

fidgety 

chest pain 

shortness of breath 

a sense of helplessness 

headache 

race track of emotions I can’t pinpoint 

unable to savor the moment 

no enthusiasm 

what i feel on a daily basis in no particular order - time to reset- ground myself and breathe deeply 

[grandpageepa]

Nobody knows

I don’t know where to start because it’s literally none of my business. I can’t help but feel and that’s my problem every single time. I wished that you would find someone who cared as little as you did and it looks like, that came true. A timespan of a year and a half has risen above us and so much has transpired. I can’t help but analyze although my life has been a complete juxtaposition of yours. I am drama free and little comes through to my neck of the woods and tears down the landscape. I realized that through my own experience, when you are unhappy, the unhappy finds you. You find yourself stuck in that revolving door where you pledge all your worth into something that has no worth. Your 101 to a toxic relationship is when you feel like shit and you feel that no thoughts of yours are yours. You are shamed of what you have allowed to come through the door and you are petrified to be wrong, so you sit still. You wait and all the while, the invisible knife plunges deeper and deeper into your vital organs. When you find your way out, you are unable to recognize yourself and the people around you. You have to build new relationships with everyone because you created and fostered your own prison in which you had no power. The truth is “you always have a choice”, that resounds in my head when I decided to finally walk out of the 8, almost 9 year relationship that was draining me of money, blood, sweat and tears. A relationship that makes you feel weaken in the knees, to move, it destroys you, that is toxic. Toxicity finds itself, in its unclean waters. It is where you pour yourself, the part of yourself you hate and expect someone to heal it, to love it, to be it and to nurse you through the heart ache, the unsolved woes of life. It does not work this way. I learned this the hard way. I learned the lesson I should have learned at the jump, which is that you let little bullshit through when you know who you are, you expect differently and you know what you want and if its not what you want, you don’t want it. Point blank. You don’t settle for shit that tears you apart from the inside out so you don’t have to feel the emptiness of a dark room, of coming home having no one there to wait on you. Although I wished for karma for you, I am truly saddened it has come to that for you to realize, what someone can do to you. I have let so much shit slide for so long, it broke me the fuck down. I built myself the fuck back up and hearing this, from the sidelines, oh it still hurts. Why couldn’t you just see what you needed to see when the projection was live in front of you? in reverb? could you not imagine yourself in the auditorium? I made you feel strong and you used that against me. Where you are now, the unknown person is making you feel weak and using it against you. Take me as I am, as the broken down fool that I am. You don’t think much of yourself, therefore how can someone think much of you? Hey I thought of you highly. It got me what you found yourself to be. It got me the hatred you wished you could unleash on yourself. This is what someone is bringing to you right now. I just wanted to speak on it so I can clear the air. Did I lose something? Sometimes it feels like it. I felt as though I was melting for a short time. I had a choice, I made a choice and every choice after that, I put a pin in it. I can not and will not settle for the things that take me down. I will build myself up and I will not let anyone bring me down. These are some things that I have delivered to myself and I hope that anyone in a fucked up position can understand that the decision to unhate yourself, to be with yourself in times of turmoil, is within your reach and in your power to manifest. I come not with self righteousness but as an conscientious observer and lesson learner...YOU control your own shit. Don’t let someone take that shit from you, it doesn’t matter what it is. So many people are under someone else’s control, for what reason? I know how hard it was to break away, but we build our own walls, in our own prison, the strongest bars to break are the ones in our own mind that tells us, we are trapped. 

I am sad, I am sad it has come to this. I know that there is no progress without struggle. I just wished for you that you could learn to love yourself but it looks like you are learning to hate yourself through the means and funnel of someone else’s rage. I’ve been there, I know how that works. I know what it feels like to trap myself and hate myself so deeply that the colors of life, were only in grayscale. I could not breathe and in 24 hours of a day, I was supplying the needs of someone else and ignoring myself. When you ignore yourself, you tell yourself that you don’t matter and after a while, that drags you down like an anchor and you attach yourself to someone you think can save you from the devastation of shame, disgust, hatred for your own self. Know yourself, be yourself and in the words of Kat Williams, enjoy your mother fucking life, life is short.