goatsbian

[goatsbian]

I wish you could have a little empathy when talking about something because of what I wanted to kms. Especially when you are the only person I admitted this to. Just fuck off seriously.

[goatsbian]

Another funny thing is how I thought I see colours okay. I didn't lol. I am reaching 7 months in treatment and the changes are great but medication can only do so much for you. Main thing is making effort yourself and I am really trying hard rn.

Unfortunately as my doctor said to me. Once you go ed you'll never go back. I will probably never have completely healthy relationship to food ever again and it's a shame really cause that could have been prevented so easily.

[goatsbian]

Reading back on the shit I used to post here... oh boy. The funniest part is how I so confidently talked about not having an ed while displaying the typical symptoms of it, jeez.

Anyways I am now in 4th month of depression treatment and everything is much better already. I already passed 4 months without sh as well and this time it could really last for real.

Just now I became determined to do something about my (thankfully mild) ed before it spirals completely out of control.

Cheers

[goatsbian]

I hate people speaking on my behalf so much like fuck off you know nothing about me!

[goatsbian]

Fucking ahole is starting to get exposed for the trash he is :)

[goatsbian]

I feel like I am getting worse and worse mentally. I still see colours okay so it's not that bad tho. But I never want to be basically colourblind again so I hope I never come back to that state ever again.

I can't even tell what is the main problem this time. Probably the need to move on with my life and the frustration with not fitting anywhere. I am still not over my closest friend being sexually abused but she is finally starting to question the quality of the relationship so there is some hope. I try to push her to the right direction without being too obvious and interfering too much because I am still just a gross l word who might be doing it out of some ulterior motives... god I wish I didn't think like that.

I'll publish list of good things about 2019 soon.

[goatsbian]

This is really sudden but I have absolutely no idea how would I define *my* family...

I probably get the strongest ~family feel~ when we are eating together in squad consisting of me, grandparents, father and siblings. Those times I really feel like a part of family and am aware of the very strong connection but these are very occasional times. Most of the time it's pretty much whatever and I only care about my grandma and sister.

Another option is my mother and uncle. Honestly I am not particularly close with them but like our sad backstory and lack of other relatives still keeps us together lmao.

I probably get that feeling in brno with flatmates too but not really in any intense rush or based on deep story. I also think I am not really ~close enough~ with them. Like I wouldn't even made their top 10 so it's probably weird to think about them like that.

It's a good thing I was always independent.

[goatsbian]

Isn't it fascinating how every single person I know is so fucking annoying?

[goatsbian]

Honestly the relationship between me and my dad is so weird like we have legit so much in common both in our interests and personalities yet we are not close at all. I mean I grew up without him, we only started to see each other more often in last 4 years so there's that but still.

[goatsbian]

Can my grandma just chill? She freaks out every time I call myself overweight cause she thinks I have some sort of ed. Like I am still classified as overweight on the bmi scale (by 4 kilos so it's whatever) it's literally nothing to be ashamed of. Like I get she isn't used to seeing me with 20 kilos less but I am definitely not thin like she likes to call me now.

[goatsbian]

I feel so bad about this but once again I am in a position where I can't do anything and I hate it. Few years ago it was close friend being cheated on by her bf with her supposed best friend and this time it's close friend being sexually abused by her bf. Nah, it's actually even worse now because I care about her way more and the guy is total trash in more ways than one.

#and i cant say anything bcs i am just a gross l word and wouldnt understand

[goatsbian]

I predicted some awkwardness but this ignorance is thousand times worse

[goatsbian]

It's 20 down now. According to b/m/i I am now ovrwght by only 5. And I am not such a freak that I l'd sweat about 5, now I just wish to have more muscles.

But srsly, I am getting used to the new face shape and a funny looking silhouette even if I think they are not that pretty, because I realized how dangerous the shit I was doing was. I am trying to increase calorie intake to some normal shit as well (aiming to reach at least something like 1200). I hope I managed to dodge the bullet in time but my doctor already send me to some tests :').

[goatsbian]

I regret not talking about it but it would be even weirder if I brought it up now

[goatsbian]

It would be perfect time for sh if I didn't need to go to the doctor ugh

[goatsbian]

It's been 2 months since we last spoke and I've been wondering wether or not I should message you and boy am I grateful that you did it first. I really can't imagine my life without you after all.

[goatsbian]

It seems that there could be another possibility to talk about it but I am not gonna push it