glifes

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tidak dipedulikan. tidak dianggap. biarkan saja.

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ternyata bakal balik lagi kesini. bakal nulis lagi. kirain gabakal ada tulisan ga penting ini lagi taunya ada. capek.

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capek punya asumsi. capek harus tau hal yang bener bener bisa gampangnya dia bohongin. hehe. udah aja mungkin?

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sakit ya. diboongin, dikira gampangan, dikira bisa percaya padahal gabisa. kirain jauh bisa mudah taunya engga. ga segampang itu.

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Mungkin merelakan adalah hal tersulit dalam hidup. Aku tau aku memberikan segalanya kepadamu tapi tidak kepadaNya. Aku tau Allah lebih sayang kepadaku. Aku tau hal yang aku lakukan selama ini Allah membecinya. Menyakiti diri sendiri dengan memikirkanmu. Aku tau hal yang sudah aku lalui adalah hal yang Allah berikan untukku. Terimakasih ya Tuhan aku sayang padaMu.

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Hai, ki. Jadi setelah aku memutuskan kalau aku sudah move on ternyata tidak. Jadi setelah selama ini kita mengakhiri semuanya ternyata blm benar-benar berakhir. Mungkin kamu sadar aku bukan pilihan mu tapi aku juga sadar kalau kamu jauh dari kata yang terbaik. Sakit hati ini mungkin meninggalkan bekas yang sampai saat ini, walau aku berusaha, walau sudah banyak orang yang datang tapi tetap aku tak bisa. Tak bisa membuang semua yang ada dalam otakku. Mungkin aku sadar dendam ini yang masih di tinggalkan olehku untukmu. Semua yang telah aku lalui ini lama - lama menjadi luka yang lebih besar lagi karna aku blm memaafkan. Jadi setelah sadar kalau kau jauh dari kata yang terbaik.... Aku memaafkan mu ki. Terimakasih ya atas sakit hati nya aku terima. Aku terima semua cacian mu terhadapku semua perlakuanmu terhadapku dan aku memaafkannya. Dan juga terimakasih segalanya atas hadiah kecilmu atas perhatian kecil namun besar dalam hatiku. Terimakasih untuk segala memori yang pernah kiki berikan. Karna kiki adalah salah satu orang yang pernah aku sayang dan susah untuk dilupakan ntah karna usahaku atau ntah karna cerita kita. Aku jahat karna mementingkan egoisme agar aku tenang tapi ketahuilah ki dirimu lebih jahat dari apa yang kau pikirkan. Jadi setelah ini tolong, aku memaafkan mu karna aku butuh tenang aku butuh hati ikhlas itu aku butuh ridho Allah. Lanjutkan hidupmu seperti tidak mengenalku ki. Simpan ini sampai kau tau rasanya sakit:) terimakasih.

[glifes]

Am I insane? Am I not feeling well this past days? You know my heart is in pain in this past days. I don't know what really happened. What kind of thing that I really concerned about. You know when your chest is so full with some kind of air but you can't let it go? I hate this feeling. I hate what I face after this. I hate when you feel you're not fine but you force it to be fine. I really hate it when you don't know what kind of thought you were thinking. Is it because you confused? Or you're not even try to forgive? All this past days become so painfull after that night. You don't know what to do and you try to get out of it but you just can't. Forgive ge, forgive all the mistake that they did to you. Look it into yourself, what side of you that you want it to change? Your inner feel pain because you just don't know how to overcome it. Bullshit. Bullshit for everykind of human that ever said it was easy. It's not. There's no air surrounding me. Please God... help me... help me to release my anger. YaAllah please help me to let it out of my heart. Please I don't want to be that kind girl anymore. It hurts me it hurt until I don't feel anything inside me. Please God... make it easy for me to stay.. not with him but for my life. For my family, my friends ir atleast myself. I don't want it to be sad life after this... please let me go please.....

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A while

So, after a while I'll started to face a new life. Want me to tell you a secret? I had a little fun with my ex-friendzone (he's not even my ex haha) this past months after we broke up with our ex. At first that kind of feeling doesn't exist at all. All I feel is just happy to have him that has so much joke. I'll just happy I didn't lose friend and we don't feel awkward anymore hehe. Last night I think I had this kind of feeling, but I realize it's not it. Maybe I'm just happy that he undestand me more than my trully ex and that's what I always happy about him.

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I don't know why but I feel so much happier than before. It's actually I started to think that people comes and go but someday, someone will stay no matter how hard your life are. My logic started to become rational at it's best. Although my heart still hurt so bad but I started to forget it. Hahahahaha

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Darling I know, you only cry when you're alone Darling I know, you only laugh to keep it all in

All of Your Glory (Broods)

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I turned you into a secret To memorize alone To justify my behavior Define who I've become Every time I tell my story I begin with you And I recall the night when I, when I When I broke in two We were young, we were proud, we were promising We were hiding our innocence, ooh We had time, we had love, we had everything We had everything, ooh We were young, we were proud, we were promising We were caught in the heat of it, ooh We had time, we had love, we had everything We had everything, ooh I turned you into a reason To keep myself tied up So when I think that I'm crazy It was you that screwed me up But I don't wanna let you go, oh No, I don't wanna let you go We were young, we were proud, we were promising We were hiding our innocence, ooh We had time, we had love, we had everything We had everything, ooh We were young, we were proud, we were promising We were caught in the heat of it, ooh We had time, we had love, we had everything We had everything, ooh I told you I would always try to be brave I didn't mean it, didn't mean it, didn't mean it, didn't mean it, didn't mean it You told me you were happy making mistakes I didn't mean it, didn't mean it, didn't mean it, didn't mean it 'Til it was too late 'Til it was too late We were young, we were proud, we were promising We were hiding our innocence, ooh We had time, we had love, we had everything We had everything, ooh We were young, we were proud, we were promising We were caught in the heat of it, ooh We had time, we had love, we had everything We had everything, ooh

[glifes]

really miss this vibes 

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Love doesn't exist until you feel pain

me

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That’s all my friend that always support me. Always tell me that I’m more than worth it. Feels like my second home. 

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Today was so obvious that I had that puffy eyes after cried last night. so then I just want to write about what my friend told me to encourage me and always remembered by me.

“ You have a cheerful personalities, Ge. Then I saw you had close yourself in the cage. When you felt something that way that must be a bad person hurt you. You know my gf hurt me too but she always nice to me. She appreciated my love towards her. I know all about your stories and I know him being so bad to not appreciated you for being a woman. He let you down and he doesn’t care about your pride at all. He just step on your pride over and over again. Sometimes you need to sacrifice your effort to the one that you loved. But sometimes you need to know when you will stop. So why you still care about him? You cried everyday your life has become so miserable. There’s so many people loves you outside. Who can loves you more than anyone could. So just forget him and move on already. He’s a bad person who don’t know how to serve you as his woman.”

Then it all become so clear all of my friend don’t want me to remember him. I know it already. That be the end of the conversation of our little talk about all the shit happened. Thank you. 

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Maybe you don’t know what my problems are? I just want to shared a little about this because I feel sick of it. I feel my heart burst into pieces when I just can’t take this shit anymore.

A week after my ex left me, my mom had her 48th birthday. After had some little fun with my friends suddenly my mom called and told me that my brother has an accident that really makes world has come to an end.

With this one problem came up, the problems comes to my family one by one. My mom told me that she can’t take my dad anymore. She told me that if someday there’s a divorce between them don’t shock because that’s the best for our sake. I don’t understand, why adults love each other then separated? But I choose not to care about it. I think what my mom thought about my dad is already final and no one can changed it. With my mom always complained about anything in this house and I just doing my job as their little child, all I did is just think, imagine something fun, bitter smile as long as I could, laugh while there’s nothing that can be laugh, and anything that can forget about this mess in my family.

It’s all started when my dad told me that his retired money has come to an end (which mean we don’t have much money). And I don’t know why he told my mom that thing but I’m pretty sure he just lying back there. Only thing I know what could be happened between those two. There’s no trust and there’s no love. I know my mom only survive because of her children. I know mom can’t take my sister because of her bad attitude. I know mom tired to clean my brother mess. And I know mom always tired because of me who can’t help her much.

So after all that messed up, I left alone in here without nobody could be understand my position. I woke up with a tears this morning. I always woke up feeling afraid to face the big world outside. I’m afraid that I can’t do this alone without someone to lean on. I always asked God, why when I left alone there’s so much problems come. Maybe if there’s no such thing as this problem, my life can be a little happier than this. My life can be a little calmer that this. But I know, God always gave this kind of problems that I can overcome with it. No ones know my all problems except ayang, and I know I can’t always lean on her because she has different problem too. And I know all I did this past months is just has a stupid crying, stupid though, and stupid imagination.

Wondering if my ex know this problem, could he be understand my position? Understand all this problem makes me want to run from this and live another life outside there. Could he be care about me? Or no?