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YA Novelist, Memoirist, & Mystery Writer Angela Grey
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What do I do?
Since I’ve discovered a bit of a purpose to look towards to, I still don’t know what to do about it. I still don’t know what route to take but I just know I enjoy doing what I’m doing right now. I’m doing it by myself, proudly, and that’s an accomplishment for me because I never do that.
I just don’t know where to take that.
I can’t really go back to school to learn something because I can’t afford it. I can only do independent work by myself, whatever that is. I regret not sticking to Journalism in college when I had the chance. Had I known what I know now, I would’ve stayed. But the beauty of these modern ages, within all of the worst parts of it, is that you can do anything now. I just have to have the discipline to achieve it. But what am I going to achieve? I don’t know.
I have so much I have to learn. I have so many things to work on within myself. I don’t have to be perfect, but I want whatever I do to be done with lots of love and attention. I want to be proud of myself in the end. I want it to make a difference. I want it to be impactful. I want it to be important, you know? Something my kids can be proud of. I only want to be the best for whoever comes after me. I also want to make my mom proud too. I want her to know I did it, whatever it is, and I succeeded.
I want to succeed for my dad too, to show that I did it even without him. I want him to see that yeah, I was depressed for however long I’ve been but I made it.
I just don’t know what that is. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be making it to. I guess I’d have to look it up, weigh all of my options and dedicate myself to one. But that’s so hard, there’s so many options.
One day I’ll look back on these posts and laugh at myself. I’ll have made it already wherever I was meant to be, and I’ll laugh at how confused and worried I was.
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Since I was a teenager I’ve always wanted to help. I’ve always wanted my existence on this planet to be beneficial. I just never knew how to do it. Here and there I found things I was passionate about but time and time again I found they were too rooted in me, too centered around myself or my life or my experiences. I realized at times it felt too vulnerable. I realized I didn’t want everything to center around me all the time.
Through this I realized Im so caught up in my own problems. I’d look around me and I realized people were too caught up in their lives too. I found out we were all consumed with just trying to make it through the day, well most of us anyway.
But I never liked that there was no sense of community. There was no hospitality within the buildings I’d lived in for years. People came and went and I’d barely know their names or their stories. It’s all been so isolating, this life. I’ve always dreamt of what it would be like to live somewhere that’s not like this.
At one point I realized that what I wanted more than anything in this world was human connection even though it was the one thing I avoided the most. Because I felt I had to. But I wanted to be heard, I wanted my pain to be felt and shared and held and validated. It’s why I wanted to speak out on mental health, it’s why I wanted to create art, it’s why I wanted to get into film, into writing, into photography. I wanted to express to someone, anyone, how I felt. And in that feeling of loneliness that I felt, I looked to see if anyone felt the same way that I did. If they could feel it, it meant I was no longer alone. It meant we were in this together.
That feeling has always stuck with me. I have held so much empathy and compassion for the people who have felt alone, which is a lot of us, because I’ve felt alone. But yet I’ve never known what to do with that information. I’ve never known what to make out of it.
At times though I can almost hear it. It comes to me clear as day what I want to do. Its clear as day what I want to say. I just never have the confidence in believing that anybody would bother to hear it. What does not come clear to me is if any one would really care.
I’ve happily discovered at this point that when I speak, even when It’s not always about me, there are some people who listen. Perhaps it’s not in the way of art like I had intended, but I’ve done a little bit of what I felt inside I wanted to do.
I’ve spoken up a lot recently about the issues of this world or at least I’ve tried to. Ive shown sadness and anger and energy for the causes. I’ve tried to share so much and while it still seems to fall onto deaf ears, when I see at least one person listening I find joy. I feel glad that my voice might’ve impacted someone. Taught them something maybe or ignited something in them that made them care.
Even with just one person, I’m happy. That has made me feel hope even though there’s still nothing to celebrate when it comes to the topics I’m talking about. But I feel grateful that someone listened to me.
That same feeling returns to me from all the times I wished someone would’ve just listened and the emotions I had when someone finally did.
I find that sense of community in the people who speak along with me, who care along with me and that even though we’re divided by these walls and these streets and these buildings, these lifestyles and these different backgrounds, these emotions we feel are all the same. It’s the most connected I’ve felt to humanity in a long time. It gives me a sense of purpose, something I’ve never really had. I thought disappearing into the background was what I wanted. I guess not.
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Continued, the non angry part.
But for my own mental health, I wanna say I do see the people who do care. The protests are full of people who care, social media is full of strangers who care. I’m exposed to them more because obviously, I’m watching more content related to it, but to see people talk about it means that they care. To see people protest in other countries means that they care. Maybe my immediate surroundings don’t show it, but those globally do and that makes me feel better. I’m thankful for the people who care. It shows that there is at least some humanity left in this world. It shows that some people WOULD take over the burden to be your voice should you need it and that helps me sleep at night. I’m proud of everyone who has done something. Their hearts are big enough to fit a whole group of people who they don’t even know and that don’t owe them anything and that’s very beautiful to me.
God really does work through it’s people. I am happy to see them when they come together for something and I’m more than happy to join them. I hope that those kind of people never die out, I hope they continue to exist for all of us and I will continue to exist for them. People just want to live. Comfortably, happily, they just want to live. We all deserve to live like that. Not just me, everyone. If they can’t, then I can’t sit in my life comfortably knowing that.
I’m thankful for everyone who’s a good person. I’m thankful for the people who devote their lives to helping others. I’m thankful for the small acts of kindness all the way up to the big ones. I’m thankful for the love people have in their hearts that they aren’t selfish to share. Im thankful for the communities that exist all around us that uplift each other. I’m thankful for the culture, the humanity that resides within them. Im thankful for the people who want to give without expecting anything. The mothers, the fathers and the children. There is still good within the bad and I have to remind myself of that.
And for sure this has shown me how thankful I am for everything in my own life. I’m thankful for my family and the people I love, I’m thankful for their existence in this timeline. I’ve been more depressed for a lot of my life but I’m thankful to have the opportunity to be alive and to see another day where I can change that for myself cause I have the opportunity to. That’s a privilege within itself and no matter the trauma I’ve been through personally, I can still wake up and heal from it if I really want to. That is something I will no longer ever take for granted because one day it could be taken from my hands, robbed from me as it has been robbed for many other people. And from this position in life, I want to make sure that I utilize that to be there not only for myself, but for others as well. I want to continue to use my voice for other people who can’t do it. And I don’t know what that looks like for me yet, but I know that this has shown me that it’s what I would like to do. So I’m going to be angry, I’m going to be upset, but I’m never going to stop caring. I think these are emotions I’ll always feel cause of the way this world works, but I don’t want it to take away from me anymore than it has.
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Continued, the angry part.
I want to say it to myself that I’ve tried. I’ve spread awareness that is easy to read and comprehend, I’ve protested, and I’ve donated to the cause because I care about the innocent children, women and men who have nothing to do with this except being Palestinian themselves. I admit that I haven’t done my best for the others in Sudan or Congo besides spreading awareness but I can only do so much and not much people seem to care anyway. I want to remind myself I’m doing my best, because at times it all feels like it’s for nothing. Especially when everyone around me acts like nothing is happening. When they wanna talk to me about everyday things I can’t help but to feel angry because I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck about the small things right now. I don’t give a fuck about anything you have to say about your life and I’m sorry. I don’t give a fuck about where you went this weekend, I don’t give a fuck about your outfit of the day. I don’t care about your favorite song, I don’t care about what your boyfriend did for you yesterday, I don’t care about what you saw walking to work, I don’t care about what you ate this morning. I don’t care. You want to tell me about this mundane shit, while people are actively being wiped out in multiple places and you can’t even repost a single thing about it. I don’t care. I don’t fucking care.
And even though again, I understand there has to be some good to outweigh the bad. I understand distracting your mind, taking care of your mind, so that it can take in more information. I understand taking a pause so you can make more informed decisions. I understand taking a pause for your mental health because witnessing atrocities can be traumatizing. I understand cause I need it, cause im overwhelmed. But even then I still don’t fucking get it. I still don’t want to fucking hear it. I don’t fucking care. I’m too angry to care about everyday shit. Y’all sit around do not give a fuck about anything but yourselves and wanna tell me about your fucking mundane boring as fuck day through your story, through your timeline, through fucking text. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like nobody gives a single shit. Like hello? Are we all living on the same planet? What the FUCK are we doing.
And I care about my peers, I care about their well-being, I always hope that they are okay. That life isn’t treating them too poorly. We all got our fucking struggles, I have my own just like everyone. But my god, bro I cant sit in these same conversations right now while I know these things are going on all over the place. This shit does not feel real. I don’t have the mental capacity to sit through it. I need more people to care. Y’all are depressing me.
And I know these problems are huge and bigger than we are, I know we live under a society where our power is restricted to these minuscule things like protests or boycotting or calling representatives that also do not have our best interests in mind. I know how big the problems are compared to how little we are and I know how that can make anyone feel like it’s no point but HELLO? It’s people of the same flesh and blood as you asking you to please be their voice in this time of need and you’re silent. I’m so tired of it. I think the most I’ve felt this time besides complete shock is anger and not only because of what’s happening everywhere, but because my peers don’t seem to give a shit.
All I can do right now is vent on here because I need to let it out somehow. I’ve been keeping it to myself cause I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to upset other people. I don’t want to lose friends. But I need to be angry somewhere and I need to grieve somewhere. And like always, this place is my go to and for that I’m thankful.
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