girlonthelam

[girlonthelam]

I might deactivate this and make a new blog. It feels like my ex is always watching and i hate it cus he wont just go the fuck away

[girlonthelam]

Why dif i even date my ex?? He was mean, didn't uplift me and was a total dickhead. Like why did i even CHASE HIM??? THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING HE IS NOT WORTH THAT AY ALL LMFAO

[girlonthelam]

Reminder on today...

[girlonthelam]

Haunted by that story where that guy ripped out his girlfriends intenstines from the inside from her vagina, he ripped out her cervix with his bare hand because she drunkenly misnamed him. Genuinely is keeping me up rn.

[girlonthelam]

I reallt need to DEEP clean my place. Like dust the whole floor, then mop. I need to clean the whole bathroom, clean the fridge and do the laundry and make a cleaning rota so that every room is cleaned and i have time etc. I also need to just organise my clutter and things

[girlonthelam]

[girlonthelam]

wym i don’t know how to flirt? i literally tell you random and unimportant fun facts

[girlonthelam]

can we bite each other and leave bite mark scars or do u not love me

[girlonthelam]

I want to be more. I want to be so much. I want to be creative and intelligent and sociable and kind and giving and financially stable and family oriented and organised and nurturing and loving and thoughtful and driven and passionate.

All i am is bones, a skeleton, an empty shell of who i could be.

#its past time i took charge of my own damn life and made something of myself like hello #i want to engage in one solid hobby for the foreseeable future. reading is unpredictable for me and crochet id love to try #but perhaps too tedious? #tried swimming its meh itd enjoyable but idk #I'm going to give crochet a go. i loved it as a kid its too bad my parents wouldn't let me do it at home

[girlonthelam]

Today i began to feel so dissociated, i had to say to myself while someone was talking directly to me, to focus and look at her, dont look around and dont panic just nod say yes and say something vaguely connected to the topic from what i last remember.

I think what triggered it was lots of talk about yhe future. Specifically talk that was connecting to our personal identity, which i dont have a stable sense if identity. It changes a lot. One year im religious, the other i cant even comprehend believing in a higher power as an entity the way we see God. How cruel does this entity have ti be to allow these things to happen, all in the name of reward later? Why do we have to suffer for reward? Rewadd which we must blindly believe in while life shows us the opposite???

I'm not even trying to be mean or anything i genuinely ask myself these questions constantly because i want to know what i believe in bht i cant wrap my head around anything. I wish i could just decide on who i am.

Do i like art? Do j like poetry? Do i like music? Do i like games? Do i like reading? Why dk i have no passions? Why can't i decide on literally ANY aspect of my personality?????

Genuinely there's not one thing about myself aside from personality traits that i am solid on.

It was really scary for me, realising that i don't have a sense of identity the way that other people do. Being so unsure of my future, knowing nothing that will change if i dont make a change in the present but being unable to because of money restrictions or whatever it is :/ ugh i just get these random motivations like GET IT TOGETHRR!!! and then i dont and life gets in the way and everything overwhelms me and i just crumble under the pressure completely and then people 'observe' me and say im lazy or unmotivated or whatever like what the fuck. And then im like i cant discredit that opinion of me because i understand it completely, and dong think that jm kind towards myself about it either. Bht also, how kind to watch me struggle and crumble and then kick me when im down instead of trying to uplift me or at the very least having empathy and perspective. However in sure if u have the energy, time and space to bring me down that could be reversed go be positive energy.

Anyway. Yeah

[girlonthelam]

Yayyy an operation and my refuge is completely nit working with me😜 theyre saying im not respecting the refuge by wanting to recover at my aunt's 😜 even tho i will struggle by myself and im unsure if ill get support in another way 😜

I like, i will contemplate suicide if it ends up that I get NO help or assistance post op. Genuinely

[girlonthelam]

Why am i so desperate :( i need to be less needy and clingy and always available for him to talk to.

[girlonthelam]

POV You don't open up to people in real life, but you overshare on the internet for everyone to see.

[girlonthelam]

Like if you don't APPROVE of me venting on social media then ok?? Idk what u want me to say. Im still gonna do it, and ur coming off as entitled and rude and closeminded. Ugndbfh but when he says that it hurts my feelings so much :( god

[girlonthelam]

I need to stop crushing so hard on guys when i like them. Judge by their actions not by their words, no matter how sweet they are.

[girlonthelam]

this the energy I accept in 2024

[girlonthelam]

She'll fuck me if I cook good enough I know it