girlbosswtfwasthat

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

I miss Anne :(

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

this is such a crazy plot twist but...

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

OH ALSO WE SYNCED ON OUR PERIODS IVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT BEFORE 😭😭😭😭 LIKE WHEN I STARTED ON MINE I WAS LIKE WAIT... ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD AND HE WAS LIKE NO??? AND THEN HE CAME BACK LIKE HALF AN HOUR LATER AND HE WAS LIKE YEAH ACTUALLY AND I WAS LIKE OMG DO YOU THINK WE SYNCED??? AND HE WAS LIKE MAYBE???? AND THEN TODAY MINE JUST ENDED SO WE WERE BITCHING ABOUT OUR FEELINGS AND HE WAS LIKE WAIT I THINK IM MANIC AND I WAS LIKE NO WAY I LITERALLY JUST HAD THAT SAME FUCKING THOUGHT AND THEN I WAS LIKE. WAIT..... DID YOUR PERIOD JUST END AND HE WAS LIKE YEAH DID YOURS??? AND I WAS LIKE YEAH!!!!! and then I probably squealed or smth

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

oh and he said he's rlly happy Gregory didn't make him cut me off and I'm rlly happy abt that too!!!! I'm so glad he doesn't hate me bc ngl Gregory hating me sort of screwed me up and made me think Damien was gonna be mad when I saw him next but he wasn't he was a sweetheart and he was kind to me the whole time :) but he was still honest and held me accountable for being a bit of a shithead with the publicly venting abt him where he could see it (which is why I have this tumblr now bc I dont wanna make him sad anymore) so yeah he loves me I love him he'll be fine in the morning and all will be okay we'll get through this crappy fucking manic episode together

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

but he said he loves me and I said I love him too and thats all that matters. we love eachother and we're best friends and its always going to stay that way

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

ik he thinks abt me. and on call he told me he loves me bc I wasn't yelling at him for being upset and ik technically I was encouraging his bad behaviour but im seeing it as like. letting him have the space to feel his feelings and be super toxic abt them bc yknow its not like im any different

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

and and a couple days ago he said that we're inevitably gonna meet up irl and I!!!! I hadn't even thought of that but that makes me so happy!!!!! I wanna see him irl I think it'd be super surreal that he's shorter than me but I wanna see him irl!!!!!!!!

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

and like I REALLY wish I'd had smth to say besides that but I didn't bc I fucking forgot to ask him what was wrong!!!!! and now I'm getting that wriggly pit again bc im nervous he's not gonna be okay and im scared of him leaving me bc this time last year he left me and God I just. I need him close rn I dont want him to go anywhere I want us to be together forever

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

but like. Damien :( my buddy :( my baby boy don't off yourself im gonna be super lonely :(

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

I thought it was just gesturing and usually his attempts never scare me bc he's had a lot and they never work but idk this time it just rlly unnerved me. maybe it was bc I got the update from Gregory and I still don't want to he around him in case he yells at me again bc he's rlly super mean like that

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

and like I assumed it was like when I talked Gregory out of suicide and he was just making threats bc he wanted that attention from estella but when I was on call with Damien I. I forgot to ask. and then he left to call pip and Andrew and confirm he wasn't dead but its been like 3 hours and it turns out they're still calling and Damien's actually on the fencing abt offing himself????

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

phew. so update damiens like super manic rn and we called for a bit over discord and he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too and we were saying that bc he was purposefully stressing out all his friends with suicidal actions ig, but not like actual attempts so everyone was blowing up his phone and we were sitting on call cackling and just. God i love him

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

so yeah Gregory was rlly mean to me and I didn't like that. he called me immature and insinuated I was bad and needed to be kept away from Damien for his own safety, and then when I broke down he told me to my face that he didn't feel bad for me at all. and like okay sure his words were that he only feels empathy for estella which I've told other ppl all the time but abt Damien (which tbh. I dont rlly feel empathy for Damien its just britt britt and Quinn at this point but I love Damien so I protect him when he gets hurt like I would for you two anyways.) but like that was still mean. he took away my social circle and when I all but started to sob over the phone he told me to my face that he did not give a shit and that there was no point in even trying to beg. I dont expect him to know this bc I dont tell anyone but being restricted from accessing my friends is a major trigger for me bc my parents would like. indefinitely confiscate all my electronics right when I was getting to that age of talking strangers off the ledge every night on discord, as chronically online children do so it became a major point of anxiety for me and Gregory kicking me out of the friend server really really worsened that a lot but I was too scared and upset to tell him especially bc I didn't want to come off as guilt tripping or manipulative bc I'd already done so much harm I did not need to stray into emotional abuse territory

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

and no one's rlly accused me like that in a long time. just my mom blaming me for us running out of a certain snack when I literally don't eat bc no matter what I want for dinner she calls me fat, but when Gregory started treating me like a legitimate danger that shit burned. I'm not scary. I'm not. I keep ppl safe and I help them when they're sad I'm not the person to be scared of unless you're hurting my friends bc then I'll probably harass you off social media bc I have a bit of a track record with that

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

so um. yeah with the body too whenever we'd get in a fight with friends we'd always be the ones to get blamed. I distinctly remember being put in time out while my friend got to go on playing when she'd been the one to mess with me. I remember saying that everyone sees her as an angel and sees me as the devil. not just as a demon but the devil. she's a low level good and im the fucking worst there can ever be but I never thought that abt myself. sometimes I'd call myself evil or crazy as smth of a self aware joke bc it made me laugh but I never thought I was a bad kid. I never did. I knew I was just scared the whole time

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

I was scapegoated a lot as a kid. you'd know that I think, bc I was always the troublemaker in our friend group

like, it was that bad in highschool imagine me when I was 8. my feelings were bigger and I had even less anger management skills and the first time Brittany tried to hug me I slapped her in the face bc I thought I'd get hurt but instead I just hurt the one person on the planet who was trying to be nice. that sure sets the tone for the rest of the story doesn't it 😒

[girlbosswtfwasthat]

this dream has turned into a nightmare and I want out. just give me my best friend back please I love him so much