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Customer: “can I have a penis of quiche?”

#i just kind of stared at her for a second until i realized she meant piece #i had a headache it took me a hot minute to process #she speaketh #coffee shop chaos

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I’m about to square up against my new neighborhood’s HOA what do you mean I can’t have a hammock in my own yard???

#she speaketh #hoa

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My sister really went from dating a whole adult man as a 17 year old to being 19 and dating a man who is 100% in a cult

#please get better taste in men #she speaketh

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Unfortunately my brain has imprinted on the phase “they hate me for my autistic swag” and now its just my default response when people ask why so and so doesn’t like me

#she speaketh

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I keep seeing people saying that video games have gotten easier over time and I personally haven’t found that to be the case. I have set the highscore at multiple arcades on the old-style PacMan machines but the second I am handed a modern gaming controller I am useless

#i tried to play fifa with some children I was babysitting i think it was xbox it could have been playstation for all i know #i was so bad #they kept telling me to hit buttons I didn’t know where they were #it was almost as bad as that time i lost so badly at halo (i think) #because the controllers are so confusing #and not shaped for my hands #i miss joysticks #more games should run on joysticks #she speaketh

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“I suppose the french can have a little bit of pasta salad, as a treat” - my mom

#she speaketh

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I befriended a (presumably) straight man and his wife and Lowes today because he and I were wearing the same men’s flannel

#she speaketh

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{Quotes :Norwegian Wood Haruki Murakami / Sarah Kay}

#reblogs

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she attention deficit on my hyperactivity til i disorder

#reblogs

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Its really funny looking back on conversations I had with people on tumblr when I was like 17/18 because they were so clearly flirting with me and I was just like *autism beam*

#its just them trying so hard to hit on me and me being like ‘have you heard of my special interest well you’re about to’ #i mean it worked lmao #she speaketh

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Tech (visibly confused): well I found the problem

Manager: fantastic!

Tech: remember the <piece of tech> I installed for you last year

Manager: yeah

Tech: its gone

Manager: what do you mean “its gone”

Tech (somewhat distressed): I mean its not there, its gone

Manager (also confused and somewhat distressed): where did it go??? HOW did it go???

Tech: I don’t know this is the strangest case I’ve ever been on - I’m going to tell my wife about this

#she speaketh #coffee shop chaos

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I keep forgetting that I can’t use tumblr humor in front of normal people. I said “I can’t do math I’m gay” in front of a girl at work and she’s straight and she thought I was being homophobic

#she speaketh

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I don’t understand why people say “80s Rock” when the music they’re talking about actually came out between 1970 and 1995

#she speaketh #brought to you by the 80’s rock dance show i saw where most of the music came out in the 70s

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Sometimes I see 14 year olds on this site and I’m like “wtf that’s a baby” and then I remember that when I first made a tumblr account I was in fact 12

#she speaketh

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Scrolling through tumblr while getting a tattoo

#she speaketh

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My father has purchased a pillow that heats up and vibrates for back pain purposes which he has behind him on his chair. The problem is, when I am sitting all the way across the room, I can feel it vibrating the floor and the ottoman and the couch and it makes me want to remove my skin. I am in hell

#she speaketh

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It worked! Mostly! I think next time I need less milk and cream and to whip it a little longer

Hypothesis: if I replace 2% and heavy cream with equal amounts of whole milk and light cream (which is what I have in the house) it will end up the same

#she speaketh #reblogs (sort of) #kitchen science