geraldmcdowell

[geraldmcdowell]

Check this out on #BandLab https://www.bandlab.com/collections/669c0977-a077-ea11-a94c-0003ffd19c0f

[geraldmcdowell]

Check this out on #BandLab https://www.bandlab.com/collections/669c0977-a077-ea11-a94c-0003ffd19c0f

[geraldmcdowell]

Check this out on #BandLab https://www.bandlab.com/collections/9b3bd37b-a153-ea11-a94c-0003ffd1dc3c

Obama phone and random shit, not a bad piece

[geraldmcdowell]

https://youtu.be/CMyRfIpNvPs

Gluued

by Gerald McDowell

I feel strange this morning. I'm ready but I'm not. I'm wearing shorts. I'm almost out of smokes. I'm reading again. I brushed my teeth. I want to play but have no guitar. I think that's what's going on. Too much going on that isn't normal for me.

I think it's all in my head. Of course it is. You silly fuck boy. It's always been there. Now, go on, go on and just do what comes naturally and not sweat what you need. You'll get it in no time.

It's funny to me, to see how we all act. My roommate stares at a wall and rambles on how upset he is. This other girl stares at the sun waiting for wings to take her away. This other one walks in circles trying to lose weight. We are crazier than when we first came in, but hey at least were sober. And eating good too.

I'm eating way too much. I got a little belly now and I don't like it. I'm gonna change that. I'm not getting fat just yet. When I get old, I'll get fat and smile, but not today. Today I want bone death skinny with a frown that grumbles, love me.

[geraldmcdowell]

On my walk yesterday, I noticed a chain link fence around a building and just over the top of the fence I noticed a little view of some art that was on the building. I couldn't see all of it, so I put my arms over and took a picture. It was marvelous to see and to think this is hidden every day til the place opens up. It made me think of people. Everyone you meet has some sort of beauty that may be hidden but til they open up or if you happen to catch a glimpse, you'd never know what's happening behind the scenes.

[geraldmcdowell]

https://youtu.be/8s1wp8JvX4I

What the fuck am I doin'

by Gerald McDowell

I don't know what the fuck I am doin' today, right now, not ever. I'm kind of lost for words even though I am spilling out a bunch right now. This back and forth shit never ceases to amaze me.

I wish I could just unzip this meat suit and leave the meat bag behind. I'm carrying too much weight and it's weighing me down. I can feel me wanting to scrape my teeth and chew on a straw, smoke a fucking pack in a half hour and blow some g staying up for another five days, clawing out the shit out because I am so dehydrated, I haven't drank water just vodka not anything but I gotta shit so I stick a finger in and pull out the rocks and feel relief only to to go right back to my baggie and get another line goin'. Ready to fuck whatever I see next. Give me a woman, a dude, a dog, I don't give a fuck, why are these walls so white, let's paint em' blue red, I don't give a fuck, I feel dirty I stink, let's catch a ride, I'm sweating so hard right now, can you smell that?

I can and it's not worth it even though, it seems the obsession never seems to evade me. I know where it goes and it's only further down the pit and the sunshine only lasts for a minute and I don't wanna see it when I am lit anyways. I like being able to type out my shit and live it and poop regularly. I get to rather than I have to. I wanna go to the library and read bukowski and listen to Chopin without being told I stink so much my stench is bothering the other visitors so I have to leave until I can come back when I take a shower. It's fucking pleasant suffering in my own skin with benefits normal people look pass. I am an estranged delinquent with no new found purpose but a sense of what could be and what no longer isn't. It's something I am going to have to get used to and living with the rest of my life. I am a drug addict and I have to take care of my mental health because if I don't, I'm just ripping out pages and burning them.

[geraldmcdowell]

https://youtu.be/AmUy8ivklhs

lost in a microwave

by Gerald McDowell

I watch the damn thing slowly spin, around and around and I hear that damn hum which hums and flickers the lights in the room a bit when I first press start.

I'm waiting for my instant coffee to be done. I would have a coffee pot and some a full pot ready always but my rehab won't have it unless I buy which is another problem haha I don't have money. I'm not hustling drugs any more. I'ma have to have another hustle because I only got five smokes left and two cigars.

It's exhausting tho, just like watching this damn cup tho, oh wait, it's still spinning, got a minute left. What I'm really thinking about is what I saw on Facebook.

This little black boy from Africa had taken a picture of himself and looking sharp in a desolate back round quoting these words in the caption, "when you let go of something, you're just creating more room for something new in your life."

Coffee's done and they sum of bich howt! I wonder what that new ism maybe it's something I already have or had. I don't know. My brain is running too much and my heart is pounding way too hard. I'm exhausted. I'ma enjoy this cheap coffee and make another, smoke a cigarette and think about lovin and laughing with a woman while I watch the sunset.

[geraldmcdowell]

https://youtu.be/vIYRbbHMesg

Simple Truths

by Gerald McDowell

Fuck you, and fuck everyone. That's simple enough, isn't it? I can't say I've really hated anyone ever. I've just really strongly disliked them at different times. I suppose it's because I'm annoyed with them and I am not getting what I want. I just want what I want and I want it now. Why is that such a problem?

Call me a diva, I am. I just want certain things and I don't get em always. Why do I have such a problem with that? I don't fucking know. All I do know is you're either with me or you're not. Simple as that. But I'm not going to hold it against you for too long. My heart won'tallow it.

I can be be bitter for a bit then I have to let it go because it's only hurting me and at the end of the day, that's my bag and not my bag. Sometimes, I just have to go through my shit and I wish some would get that. Let me wallow in this and join. Misery loves company.

[geraldmcdowell]

https://youtu.be/cdA22lJ9sSU

I feel a shit brewing

by Gerald McDowell

I feel a shit brewing and I can't help myself but dive into that stew. It's home made and we all just love home made shit. It's great. It's all fucking great. Then once we eat it, out comes more shit and hopefully it burns because that's how you know it's good but let me tell you this, no one gives a fuck, about you, bout anything, not even themselves. So fucking deal with it. That's the shit show.

Man, I get so tired if it. This facade, this gimmick, this play, this act, like we all care and are all about. Man, that moment is fleeting and it went out the window a long time ago, but the stench stayed. Someone dropped a duece somewhere and it still stinks.

It is nice, when you get sincerity though. Whether it be negative or positive. Just give me real. No phony shit. I don't want no part of it. I rather smell and see your shit and rub my own face in it, than be told it's just chocolate ice cream. I'm gonna eat it either way but give it to me right. Just the way I like it. Bold and full of truth.

Those moments of truth are rare though. People are afraid and I sure am too but fuck that noise. I want to tell you like it is how it is when it is and if you like it or not, I have no control of that, just enjoy the ride with me. Enjoy the ride with me.

[geraldmcdowell]

https://youtu.be/fhCLalLXHP4

Introductions Are In Order

by Gerald McDowell

I suppose a lot of things, but I suppose introductions are in order before I start supposing anything.

All you need to know is I am Gerald McDowell and read on.

You'll find out more as you continue, word for word. I want to be sincere with you. Hold nothing back. Honest as I can be and tell you stories. I want to not give a fuck with giving a fuck and make no apologies for it nor provide an explanation. My only goal for this is to write.

There is no rhythm. There is no rhyme. There is only what I am feeling and what I am feeling will never be forced but will naturally come when it needs to be.

I don't expect anyone to read this. Therefore, I will write with complete abandon. I am an island here on and out. A lawless creature who inhabits nothing but himself and his pleasures and discomforts.

I will document what I want and provide a random YouTube link to a song I currently dig or for whatever goddamn reason I wish each post I have.

This is where I begin and end and transition to indifference. I claim nothing. What I write is just thoughts I have and thoughts that I need to get out. So, I got to put them somewhere. And that somewhere is here, in my own corner of the world. If you don't like it or me, that's perfectly fine. I don't either. I wish everything and only the best for you and your endeavors.

Sincerely,

Gerald McDowell