gearstrider

[gearstrider]

ever had a breakdown over someone elses breakdown...

#someone that i care for deeply #but hurt very badly a while ago #is in a very bad spot and i am apparently not someone theyre willing to hear from still #i only still know theyre alive through tumblr posts and discord status #i dont know what to do #i've messaged them a couple times in the past 14 hours #no response #trying very hard not to feel some type of way that they are publically begging for literally anyone to offer support #but ignoring me #i know i fucked up #im trying to make it right #gear grinds

[gearstrider]

dreaming about fixing things...

#gods i miss them so bad #i dont think they miss me #i hate this limbo of silent tumblr mutuals #gear grinds

[gearstrider]

thinking about sam n dean being literally, undeniably, outright stated with no room for misinterpretation canon soulmates.

why did the cw do this

#dont get me wrong i love it #wincest for lyfw ammirite #but #what a weird thing for the writers to do and the producers or whoever to allow #especially given the stated rarity of soulmates iirc??? #gear grinds #wincest

[gearstrider]

have to get this outta my system real quick

#😳

[gearstrider]

i miss my friend...

#gear grinds

[gearstrider]

did the people saying this shit bother to actually watch the show??? hell just listen to poison! jesus fuck its some of the best representation of trauma, especially for those who dont become "good", quiet, soft sad victims.

Real funny of people to shit on Hazbin Hotel for "glorifying/romanticizing/etc" sexual assault when Game of Thrones has done the same if not worse and I rarely see anything about that. Hm it's almost like you want the queer series written by a woman to be Bad I wonder why that is 🤔

👀 👀 👀 👀

[gearstrider]

hate that the best thing I can do for my probably going to be ex friend is nothing. just absolutely fuck all. pretend they dont exist.

I want to DO something. this sitting and waiting is driving me fucking bonkers.

but doing anything right now would be disrespecting an incredibly explicitly set boundary. i dont want to do that.

so i do nothing, and continue to lose my mind where they cant see

#gear grinds #sorry for all the bitching about this #but im legitimately losing my entire shit about it #and this is about the only place i can vent about it

[gearstrider]

im going fucking insane. did they realize they were reblogging a post from me? what does it mean! what does it mean! what does it mean!

#gear grinds #tell me to pretend you dont exist sure #i can give you all the space you need i 1000000% understand that #but??????? #this?????? #i am just. going to continue not interacting at all. until i get a message directly stating otherwise #god im so scared im gonna fuck this up #are they noticing i dont touch their posts anymore? do they appreciate it? do they care #fuck #i hate this limbo

[gearstrider]

at this point i almost wish they would just officially end it and block me. the limbo of hope hurts. i want to grieve, i cant give up.

#gear grinds

[gearstrider]

i want so badly just to rot in bed until i die. cant tho. people depend on me. stupid ass decision on their part.

#gear grinds

[gearstrider]

i wonder if i will ever get a good night sleep again.

#gear grinds #i haven't slept well since the night i sent that stupid message that ruined everything

[gearstrider]

i feel sick. so tired. i want to self destruct but i have to hold it together.

#gear grinds

[gearstrider]

everyone who ever met me would be better off if they hadnt

#gear grinds #sorry to be a depressed piece of shit here lmao #cant post on main #potentially but not yet for sure ex friend still technically follows me there #i cant whine about how upset i am about how i hurt them where they. can see it #i was supposed to visit them soon

[gearstrider]

its actually fucking unbelievable. i was in the best place mental health wise of my life five days ago.

now i feel like i did as a teen.

#gear grinds #wish i could take a grippy sock vacay #or do ridiculous amounts of drugs #something #cant even have a weed gummy cause my spouse has been concerned about my use #fuck #hit me with a car

[gearstrider]

[gearstrider]

deadass suicidal about this lmao. i fucked things up. i always fuck things up. i didnt even see how shitty i was being before. i should not be allowed to interact with people at all i just hurt and hurt and hurt and hurt and even if i do some good it just makes the eventual hurt even worse.

#not gonna actually kill myself that would just hurt more people even more #ive cried so much the past several days #and i cant even talk to anyone about it #what should i even so oh wah poor me i was careless and callous and cruel and now i feew bad??? #i should feel bad #im so fucking ashamed and embarrassed #i hate myself. #gear grinds

[gearstrider]

.

#i fucked up one of my most treasured relationships today #i couldnt have hurt them worse if i had tried to #i was just. careless and impulsive #and now they're probably out of my life for good #i am so fucking devastated #i cried on and off all day at work #i've apologized profusely ive explained why i said things the way i did #ive begged forgiveness and the chance to make things right somehow #i dont even know how i would do that given the chance #my one last iota of hope that things may be salvageable is that i havent been blocked yet #please for the love of god if anyone has any advice about how to #fix this #or somehow soothe the pain ive caused #please tell me #i dont know what to do #gear grinds