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500 Word Personal Reflection
The proposal for this project was to create a film about empathy fatigue as a result of capitalist systems. I would use a puppet as the protagonist, utilising the typically manipulated form and instead keep it completely static, showing the lack of agency one has within capitalist society. I also at one point added in a secondary character, Mr Capitalism, who was a hand with its fingertips and thumb pressed together to form a mouth. This character would’ve acted as the director of the shots, moving the piece onwards. With forethought, there was no way I was going to pull this off, regardless of what resources I had on hand. The most important part in this proposal that I couldn’t have done without in the development towards my final piece, was the puppet as a representation of a negative mental space.
The process of making the puppet was my favourite part of the whole project. I put a lot of time and energy into the planning and constructing of it, which absolutely paid off in the long run. Sadly, the documentation of this process is severely lacking on my blog and does not show the extent of work that made the end product. I think however, regardless of the documentation, it is obvious on film that there was thought put into the making of it. I am so pleased as well that I completed the puppet relatively quickly into the project, because I needed the time to get to know the mannerisms and expressions that I could manipulate. Having it sat on the sofa for the best part of two months and having that time to project my own feelings onto it, seriously aided in the cinematography of the final piece. I could manipulate certain expressions and emotions on camera by simply changing the angle of the face or moving it forward on a chair. That has been a complete game changer.
It is important to note that throughout this project I have lacked serious drive in all aspects of my life due to a myriad of reasons. I had become numb to a point that doing anything was a task and looking after myself was an unwanted chore. This has seriously affected the research and recorded development element of this project, and I am disappointed that this is the place where I let myself down in regard to learning objectives. However, despite this, I have created a film that has encapsulated apathy and mental numbness with clarity, whilst also battling against these feelings to stay on top of my work.
What I have learnt in this project is to treat myself with respect. Yes, reaching deadlines and attending tutorials with work to show is instrumentally important in attaining goals, but rushing into an idea for the sake of purely having one, doesn’t help anyone. I know I can deliver sound work on time, so by beating myself up for not being 100% on it for a stint, I forfeit my chances of ever catching up.
Overall, I’m very proud of the outcome. I filmed and edited the whole film in just over three weeks. I would certainly be excited to see what the outcome would’ve been if I had not been so diabolical on myself for the first three months.
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Final touch ups
Once I put the new and improved sound to the footage, I just did a few little touch ups here and there before exporting.
These were very brief, but I moved some footage ever so slightly to fit better with the sound, I colour graded the last fire scene a bit more, and I took out the overlay on the last TV scene. I'm still not 100% happy with this scene, but I can't put my finger on exactly what. So I'm just going to have to walk away from it for now.
But I have now exported the film in 4K and I feel pretty chuffed about my accomplishments.
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Final Sound Edit
This bit was actually quite fun. Because I had the majority of recordings already, the most part was cleaning them up a bit with EQ and modifying the volume levels.
For the parts I didn't have recordings of, I quickly did some research and collected found-sound, such as a large group of people in a park or a car alarm going off. I got these recordings either off Freesound.org or Youtube, making sure as I went along that they were free for public use.
For the last TV scene I did enlist the help of Jordan, my housemate and partner, to aid in the vocal recording and editing. I did this because, even though I'm relatively confident with recording voices and editing for realism, he has much more experience in sound design. And this was the skill I needed to make the noise from the TV sound super weird and surreal. To do this, we recorded ourselves making strange noises. Once this was done we just messed about with what we had, using loads of reverb and messing with the EQ to create what is now in the final piece.
I'm so happy I made the decision to properly clean up and edit the sound. It has made a world of difference to the overall piece. The narrative now feels complete and the whole delivery is so much stronger.
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Mixing the surreal with normality
As I move closer to the end of this project, I realise it's important to point out how much I've been influenced by moving between the surreal and typical 'normality'. From writing my proposal to this point now, quite a bit has changed in my idea. But, the desire to mix the surreal with the normal has always been present. Particularly in wanting to put a puppet in a 'normal' world doing 'normal' things. Maybe this is a reflection of the current climate, but to be honest I'm bored of talking about that now, so I'll breeze past it.
What I've done to reflect further into the idea of normal versus surreal is to not just add it in via the puppet, but both within the world of the protagonist and how I capture it. To show how the puppet's mental state becomes progressively worse, I make the camera angles progressively weirder and more uncomfortable. As the film moves through the days, I took the liberty to film at a diagonal or at a ridiculous height. Because I filmed in very realistic and angular frames at the beginning of the piece, by the time it gets to the end and we're looking at the puppet as if we're on a sinking ship, it's clear something is going very wrong.
Also in the world building and set design, by the fourth day, the puppet doesn't have a kettle. Yet, there is the sound of the kettle boiling. In the last night where the puppet is watching tv, the sound is as if it is on an alien channel. When the puppet sits at it's desk on the final day, it is just watching static. I use examples from the final scenes of the film because they are arguably the most instensely strange, but even right at the beginning when the alarm goes off for a ridiculously long time, that is still surreal to watch.
The phrase I suppose I'm trying to capture is "It's funny because it's true". I've wanted to make a film that can be relatable to any person going through or have been through an emotional, mental rut. I know personally that when I go through these periods, nothing feels completely real. It's as if my apathy has opened the door into a world that I can't understand nor can be bothered to try. By using the medium of surrealism and mixing it with the mundane, has allowed me to accurately reflect this feeling. I've shown the piece to multiple friends and family members, and even though we don't share exact same experiences, they have always found something to relate in. And to me, that is all I need to make me feel confident in saying I've made a good film.
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Edit
youtube
I've done a complete silent edit with all necessary footage. This will be the visuals I use to add and edit the cleaner sound.
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The Puppet Burns
Today, in a moment of spontaneity, I decided to burn my puppet on Sheepcote Valley. My original plan was to go down to the seafront at either dusk on Sunday or dawn on Monday, and borrow some portable led lights. But as the planned time got closer it was still unsure if I could borrow the equipment, so I decided to just go for it. Also, the pure aesthetic promise of a fire in falling snow was too inticing to turn down.
To prepare for the shot I bought white spirit and cigarette lighters for the fire. Also two bottles of water and a fire blanket for when I needed to put it out. To help me in the scene I enlisted the help of my housemates, Jordan, Beth, and Bradley, to help carry equipment, aid in overseeing safety protocols, light the puppet, and shepard people outside the shot. I definitely couldn't have done this scene without them.
When setting up the shot, I had to make sure the smoke wouldn't blow into the nearby road. So choosing the background meant I had to find somewhere facing north. I also chose somewhere out of the way enough from walkers but out in the open enough that it didn't look suspicious. When the frame was chosen, Beth and Jordan put white spirit on the less flammable parts of the puppet, and Bradley and I set up the shot. When everything was put in place they lit the feet and I started recording.
I'm very happy with the final shot. I decided to film it in a slight slo-mo to get a more surreal feel, and I think this made the whole thing. Of course, with a larger budget and more people on hand, I would've liked to get a second closer shot, but that would've been just extra icing on top.
It felt strange but very cathartic to burn the puppet. I even got a little emotional whilt recording. But, I'm so glad I went through with it and I feel quite proud of myself for doing it. Weirdly enough, the right hand didn't catch fire and instead fell off onto the ground, meaning it survived the fire. So now I have a weird unplanned puppet hybrid of a rabbits foot as a memento.
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Sound
I took today to properly look over and plan how I'm going to do the sound. Having done the majority of my visual edit, I can now focus my time on getting clear and sophisticated audio.
To do so, I went through the film scene by scene and wrote out what sound comes in where and wether or not I already had it recorded. Also noting some possible extra ideas to add into the narrative such as sirens going off outside when the puppet tries to sleep.
I then organised the sound into a list of channels:
Alarm
Outside (open)
Outside (closed)
Park
TV
Kettle
Laptop
Burning
Doing this meant that I can now sort my found sound and recordings into folders that align with the channels I'm going to have when editing on Logic.
This prep is going to be really useful for when I get to the edit.
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Yay or Nay to Dancing?
After having had a good think about wether or not I do want to burn the puppet, it's also made me think of the necessity of the dancing scene. In a similar vain to why I had to rethink about burning the puppet, I had come up with the idea of the dancing scene way towards the beginning of this project. And now, after the film and idea have progressed, I'm am not certain if this shot is necessary.
On the one hand it may look good to cut between these scenes, fire and dancing, as it could give it a slight ceremonial feel. But even as I type this I don't believe that would be the case.
I still like the visual aesthetic quality that a puppet burning mixed with a person dancing in an animal mask would give, but more as a piece to stand by itself. The film that I have created wouldn't suit this ending. The main reason being I had little to no movement in all the scenes. To suddenly change that at the end would be jarring and could even be a bit underwhelming. The image of the puppet burning by itself truly relishes in the messege of the piece. Slowly watching the puppet burn, and it doing nothing about it, is the way I want to finish the film.
So I have now made the decision to cut the dancing, and to just have the puppet burn.
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Do I want to burn this puppet?
I've been thinking a lot about the final two scenes, in particular the scene where I burn the puppet. From the very beginning of this project I've had a very clear image of setting the puppet on fire, the reason for which always morphing, but as I slowly reach the end of the project I have been questioning my reasoning as to why.
The main question I keep asking myself is: is burning the puppet worth it? On the one hand, I have put a lot of time, money, resources and attention into making this puppet, and to burn it without knowing the end result before it is "too late" might just feel like a slap in the face. In other words, I don't want the death of the puppet to be in vain. It is also a very expressionate puppet, and the first proper model I've ever made, should I instead not burn it and utilise it for other projects?
On the other hand, as I said, I've had this idea from the beginning, and to drop out now at the last second might feel as I'm bailing on my entire piece. Also, as this project has progressed, the puppet has become more and more like a manifestion of a very particular toxic segment of my own psyche. Maybe, regardless of whether the shot is aesthetically fitting to the overall piece or even if the shot becomes completely unuseable, I had to burn it anyway as a cathartic necessity. Yes, I have become emotionally attached to this creation, and I am willing to admit that I tuck it up in a blanket at night because it "looks cold". But, if I don't burn this puppet, and I still have it sitting in my house after this project is done, I will not have faced up to the issues that I brought forth in my piece, and I will feel like I've cheated.
So in conclusion, this puppet will burn. I am however glad I had this conversation with myself. As I look at this puppet now, I know that I made this solely for this project for a reason. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I made this project as a form of exploration in order to heal some of the cracks that have reopened from way back since I left college.
All in all, this puppet will burn, and I will move on.
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Production Design
Because the majority of this piece is being filmed in my uni house in Brighton, I've had to work with what I've got around me, meaning the production design has been pretty thrifty.
For the bed scenes, I've had to think outside the box to get interesting shots. Such as, putting the tripod directly in the bed or moving furniture to get the right angle. I also only have one source of light in the night bed scenes since I lack a lot of studio equipment, but this has actually worked to my favour.
For the kitchen scenes I have used a broomstick to prop up the puppet so it is in eyeline with the kettle. I first tried to do this manually by using my own arm, but even the smallest shake or breath was noticable on camera.
For the wide angle shot of the postit notes, I had to use a 14mm lens to get everything in since my kitchen is very small. This did work in my favour however, as it gives the shot a strange uncanny feeling that I wanted present anyway.
To get the side angle shots for the desk scenes, I had to push the bed forwards, blockading myself into my bedroom. I also sat the puppet on my record player, to act as a booster seat to get it eye level with the laptop, using the rucksack to block this from camera.
When the puppet is watching static on it's laptop I used this youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubFq-wV3Eic&t=940s&ab_channel=ultrarelaxation
To replicate the light of the TV when the puppet is on the sofa I used the same light on the bedside table, creating a LED shadow on the puppets face.
In all shots I was at the mercy of natural lighting, meaning that I had to film every scene at the time they are seen in the final piece. I copied the puppets timetable as if it were my own, giving me a strange but stronger connection to my creation.
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Set Dressing
Because I've managed to make a puppet that is essentially an essence of who I am, set dressing and production design hasn't been too difficult. But it did take some forethought.
Set Dressing reference photos
Overall I wanted to keep the set design of this piece very simple, thus to avoid any unneseccary distractions in shot. I also chose the particular objects and items in accordence of what I think the puppets personality is. This meant having both very sparse decor and carefully placed personality-building reference items, such as the unicorn toy and unicorn mug on the minimalist desk, or the cupboard full of postit notes.
Bed night/day scenes:
When the puppet is in bed at night we see a bright LED lamp, a roll of toilet paper, a phone on charge, and a pint glass filled with water on the desk. I purposefully kept these items medical to show that the puppet is not in a comfortable head space when going to sleep, the bright light acting as if the puppet is being interrogated by its own mind. The only item in the shot that looks friendly is the colourful blanket, which the wraps the puppet up in a tight grasp, purposefully to give the impression that this is literally a 'comfort blanket'.
When the puppet wakes up, the curtain is already open, as if the world has thrust itself upon the puppet before it has time to properly come too. It also doubles up as a second form of light in shot.
Kitchen scenes:
The kitchen scene had the least set design due to the fact that the state of the kitchen matched the mood of each shot. I took out a few items that could be distracting in the background, but overall the dirty dishes or groceries still in a bag represented how the puppet does do nothing or at least very little to keep its surroundings tidy. As I said before, this puppet has become a representation of who I am when I get into a rut, and because I am currently in one of these states, the environment around me replicates this. Meaning, set design is a lot less effort, but also that I should really do my dishes.
Desk scenes:
Having seen the medical side of the desk, I made the other side more of a reflection of the puppets personality. The items in shot are always the laptop, a small standing calender, a bowl, a unicorn toy, and a decorative glass cup filled with pens and other stationary. In most scenes there is also a mug with a unicorn print and a pint glass, both on coasters. They don't necessarily have any metaphorical messages, I added in these items to make the puppet a more relatable and 'human' character.
Also in shot is the rucksack on the back of the chair, and the shelf dressed with about 20 books and a small black & white poloroid of my boyfriend and I. I purposefully put this photo in as a little easter egg, as a way of implying to the viewer that the puppet is in fact who I am.
Park scenes:
Choosing the right bench was the biggest part to the set dressing for this scene. Again, I wanted little distraction in shot, so the bench chosen has a wall behind to avoid people walking in the background etc. Dressing the puppet in a scarf and hat was a choice made mainly out of a need that has developed whilst sharing a house with this puppet, which is to care for and make it comfortable. But this develepment has actually aided the piece, because I want the audience to also care for the puppet like I do, making them realise that if they can care about the personified manifestation of my own mental struggles, they can care for theres too.
TV scenes:
I kept this scene very bare, using no blankets and having only one grey cushion in shot, to remind the viewer of the eminent feelings of discomfort and interrogation when the puppet goes to bed.
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Second Edit
I've progressed the edit to almost now having all necessary scenes apart from the two end ones (puppet on fire + dancing). The edit overall is still very rockey, especially with the sound recording and mixing.
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Notes to work on for next edit:
Day One.
Very little needs to be done. Need to clean up sound mixing, but the pacing and overall look of the shots are good.
Day Two.
Need to clean up sound for the Tedtalk
Add football sounds to park scene
Do I need the second kettle scene? / Is it just the sound jarring the cut?
Turn up sound for the TV
Add siren noise to background when puppet is in bed?
Day Three.
Record and add sound to football in park scene
Lengthen park scene before being kicked in the face?
Add sound of gory film to TV scene
Need any additional noise to night bed scene?
Day Four.
Re-shoot desk scene with wrong mug in
Can the desk scene be any weirder?
Film and add in TV scene and night bed scene
Overall it's coming together. I'm concerned I will not be completely happy with the final piece, as I am feeling my general motivation the project wain again. But I am pushing on, and I am proud of what I have accomplished thus far within the current circumstances.
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Scene brainstorm
I have about six scenes per day-cycle in my piece, each repeating and hopefully getting more and more surreal.
The basic scenes:
Bedroom - Morning alarm going off
Kitchen - Boiling the kettle
Bedroom - Sitting at desk
Park - Sitting on bench
Front room - Watching TV
Bedroom - Going to sleep
How can I make these surreal?
Alarm scene - Weirder and more annoying alarms as the days go on.
Kettle scene - note in the bottom of the mug saying “look up” and the puppet doesn’t? - Small fire in sink? - Behind shot, loads of postit notes with chores and motivational quotes on the cupboard?
Desk scene - Sending an email to itself “hi”. Gets an email back saying “hey” and a picture of unicorn. Stares at unicorn on desk. ? - Watching static on laptop?
Park scene - Small animals on bench? Being kicked in the head by a football?
TV scene - Warp/layer the sound from TV? Mess with lighting effects?
Sleep scene - Silence. Nothing.
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General Thoughts
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my piece is actually about. I feel like I’ve moved away from my original idea being a direct message of empathy fatigue as a result of capitalism. I haven’t completely disregarded this idea though, just moved through it to settle with this idea of apathy and mental health, still caused by modes of capitalism, but as a more abstract image.
Looking at my edit so far, it is clear to me that this puppet is more or less depressed. It is in an apathetic rut. So, the reasons why it’s not doing anything is still pretty similar to my original idea, but more directly related to my own personal experiences and how this has effected me and my work.
I’ve been brainstorming some ideas of how to reflect these effects and experiences of apathy as an abstract external happening around/to the puppet. I’ve thought of bringing the character of the Hand back, like a perpetrator of the happenings. But the idea slowly slipped into some kind of domestic abuse scenario rather than the effects of deteriorating mental health.
I then discussed personal experiences of depression and apathy with my partner. We came to the discussion of alienation, and a lack of control over oneself when going through a depressive episode. Life becomes almost surreal and you can become distant from anything that makes you feel human. This is what I now want to capture in my film.
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Tutorial
I finally had some footage to show for Tim to look over and give feedback. The main pointers were primarily positive, in particular the framing and pacing were praised. Tim also enjoyed the set dressing for the scenes in the house and the choice of bench, saying that it fitted into the world very well which is encouraging to hear.
Overall I’m enthusiastic to complete this film and have a finished product. I’ve obviously still got a long way to go, and with three weeks till the deadline I am feeling the pressure. I am also disappointed in myself that this is the first time I’ve been able to show footage in a tutorial, and it was the last one before the hand-in. I’m going to try get as much feedback as possible from anyone I can within the three weeks, I am going to need it.
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First Edit
I have created a short and rough first edit to show for my final tutorial. It is far from perfect and I have stuck in shots or sound on occasion to act as a reference to what the final product will look/sound like.
I am happy with what I have got so far, and there are glimmers of a potentially pretty good film, but there is still a way to go.
Link to the draft on youtube:
youtube
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