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QUIERO QUE VENGAS A VIVIR TODOS LOS DÍAS CONMIGO
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It finally happened. Although I knew this day would be coming sooner or later you still are never really prepared for the amount of grief that overwhelms you. I am not only losing 12 years of my life, I’m losing a best friend, a dad, my comfort zone. He has always chosen others before me but I still loved him so much. I know what I deserve and I’ll never settle again.
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He denied me. Me. At one point in my life I had two/three phone numbers readily available to me to get whatever I wanted. Why am I putting up with someone who has no drive whatsoever? I am not ugly. I am not saggy. I am decent and am willing to explore and he denied me. What am I doing? Everything gets progressively worse the longer we go on. I don’t know how to get out. I’m stuck with someone who actively doesn’t want me, isn’t that some shit. Wow.
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New year. The time to start over, the time to be thankful for your loved ones. To start out the new year with a happy and thankful heart. I cannot even begin to explain to you what being around him feels like. Such a negative and energy pulling feeling. Tonight was all about making sure he doesn’t overflow, not the fact that we’re suppose to be in this together. He was upset because he didn’t have anyone here when it was HIS decision not to have anyone in the first place. I think he thinks he wants to be with only us until the time actually comes and he realizes he hates it. Maybe this is the year where I’ll finally have enough. I guess we will see.
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Disappointed. But I knew better than to get my hopes up over something I knew wasn’t happening. I know it’s not a big deal, mine still works, but he spits out these plans so confidently you have no other choice to believe them. I should’ve known better.
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Halloween. One of my favorite days of the year. He literally lives his everyday life for himself, no expectations, no responsibilities, but the one time I expect an ounce of effort, an ounce of interest, nothing. Zero. He was more interested in what his fucking phone had to say to him than what his kids were dressed up as. I was so excited I bought myself a costume that I didn’t even wear. He yelled at me in front of everyone because I wanted to watch MANDOLORIAN and he didn’t. Why is that a good reason to yell. Now we’re laying in bed, he hasn’t said a fucking word since then and he’s snoring while I’m crying. This is my life. This isn’t how I want to live my life.
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Sketch. Fabzzie huh? Second time he’s left to be on his phone by himself. Disappointment and a gut feeling. Do I do anything? Say anything? Or wait. It’s always wait and hope I find out. I’m suffocating in doubt.
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I dreamt about you last night. Jumped into your awaiting arms and snuggled into you while you shook your hair out of your face. I don’t remember much from that time but I remember how impossibly in love I was with you. I always imagined one day visiting you and making you sit with me, you would’ve because even after everything (I mostly put you through) we went through there was no hate. I would like to think that you were visiting me and checking up, but I would understand if that wasn’t the case. I was not important in the end and you have a multitude of people who would need your presence more but I think about you often and hope that your at peace now. You truly were loved.
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Sadness. All I feel is sadness. All I want is to be treated like someone who holds value in that persons heart. All I get is sadness. Coldness. Bitterness. Fear.
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It’s always the worst when you feel invisible. Yeah he heard me, but he doesn’t care. He didn’t process anything I told him or acknowledge. I’ve been sick for three days, and I’m expected to act/behave like I don’t have 102 fever and my throat is on fire. But don’t worry I’ll bathe,tuck in, clean up, organize, I’ll do it all.
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Text it out.
Today was rough. Came home and was instantly disappointed and instead of fixing the situation, I was ignored. Such an easy fix turns into this. He’s given up and no amount of what I do can fix it. He doesn’t even have an ounce of interest in rectifying the situation. Selfish, he’s selfish. If it doesn’t concern him or his feelings it doesn’t matter. Stared at his phone until he got up and went to work. No we’ll talk later, nothing. I feel exactly how I felt when I decided to leave B and that scares me.
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