forgottenshiloh
finding shiloh in niyati
some more ya business
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complicated feelings continued...
you weren't supposed to see me, i loved seeing you but i hate that you saw me. i hate myself you aren't supposed to see me. i don't dress up, i don't do my make up enough, i never do my hair, i wear the free shirts i get from work and yoga pants. i look like shit, nonetheless i'm fucking nuts and all over the place i really hate the fact that you saw me. i'm just gonna hide in my apartment for a while and hide at work where i can't even try to see you again because you shouldn't have saw me... i don't know what it is but i can't fuck with that i'll have to write about that another day but i feel pathetic i can't do that shit.
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A complicated feeling
I saw you, matter of fact I almost ran into you and I couldn鈥檛 believe it was you. But I felt like I just got fucking shocked, I felt fear then I felt excited. I didn鈥檛 want to leave. I鈥檓 still thinking about how I felt but right now I need to get drunk because shit has simultaneously hit the fan as far as my family goes. I love you loml! You look amazing too
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lingering
I still think of you everyday. I had to take a step back from looking for you because it makes my heart fucking hurt. I can find myself talking to you in my head like I鈥檇 never run out of things to say to you, to help dull the ache of what I have done and the reason I鈥檓 not allowed to know you anymore. It鈥檚 unhealthy to be stuck in my head trying to suffice for the lack of you there is in my life and has been for a long time, I miss your voice more than anything though I really wish I could find that sometimes but it鈥檚 hard just to find your face in my mind at times and I wonder if that is me protecting myself from my own feelings of guilt and regret. I could have had it all and I鈥檓 on the fence more often than I will ever admit about if I would be happier with who I was then before I ruined everything or if I鈥檓 happy about being me but knowing more now. I wish I could see you, I also wish I could know you again and in my own selfish mind I find myself wishing you could see me and know me again because if you loved me then you鈥檇 be blown away by me now but I realize by the consequences of my own actions I鈥檒l probably never possess even the slightest of worth in your eyes again and any worth I did have then has probably been revoked by you because I never deserved it in the first place.
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call me a fucking butterfly
because motherfucker, i am evolving. i fell flat on my face but didn't lose. i am still a lost soul, but i'm going to find it. i'm building all the things i always wanted. i hate that you're not by my side, i'm sorry i ruined it all. i cry often remembering your face. it's funny how i hurt you and now you're going to be the death of me. i loved you and i let myself ruin it, i might be hating myself for a while for that one but the funny thing about survival, i need that sting to push harder. i need something to run from, i don't want to be that person again. i might even be perfectly content with being alone for the rest of my life, there was only one you and i fucked that up. I'll never feel what we had again, my marriage was something, but it was never as deep as what we had. it wasn't an intellectual bond, no intimacy just there playing roles and talking shit growing empty without even realizing it. i got plenty of adrenaline because it was a war, it always was. maybe i needed that, i didn't want anyone caring wanting to get into my head and be one with me. I'm not trying to live in survival and you were the only one who gave me that, that's why i felt like we didn't belong together. you are amazing. I'm so hesitant at the thought of actually facing my shit though, i could never let you get close to me like i want so badly. my mind is a scary place and a lot of my shit isn't just mine so i can't tell you. i miss felling safe with you, i wish i could go back and lay my head on your shoulder and feel safe again. and you were so right about every fucking thing. with a mature mind I'm seeing it all remembering the shit you used to say that i hated hearing i seriously thought you were just negative as shit but you were actually so right. i needed you and i got so angry i just jumped off the deep end and motherfucker did i find out. now I'm psychologically fucked up. I'm not broken but damn I'm cold, it's not so easy to just look into my heart and love anything like before, i used to feel love so deeply but now i can't i know it's because i know it's only a matter of time before i have to look at them as a fucking enemy because this world is ruthless. i will never get in your sight if i can help it, i never want to pollute and completely fuck up your day with my stupid fucked up place. this is going to eat me alive and i think I'm going to let it.
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the northern lights
I really drove my dumb fucking ass all the way out there and did not even think to stop and look for the northern lights. I fucking hate myself right now. I鈥檓 so fucking sad about that. I鈥檓 always in a hurry, I have to work this weekend and be up in 5 hours plus kids I didn鈥檛 even stop to think about it. We used to love that kind of shit.
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wondering
i wonder how long you looked for me, and messaged my phone, after January of that year i never had my phone. i gave it to him and i just disappeared for while, i got lost in the drugs. i couldn't stand to be alone. i hated myself i never wanted to be me. i just had to get away and be nowhere to be found. i didn't want to be found. i quit replying to my family and friends i wanted to drop off the face of the earth. i'm sorry i missed it but i had to run away. i lost it when we got into that fight. you loved me why would you do that if you loved me? why do i always deserve that?
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youtube
this song was posted 8 years ago, can you believe it's been that long. it makes me want to cry like i've been fucking robbed.
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thinking of you although i was supposed to stop
so i saw you, i know i did and i think i saw you today too but idk the fucker wouldn't turn around. he looked like you, the shoulders were almost like you. i miss even your silhouette. you're so tall and i miss your shoulders. that's a strange thing to be attracted to but i love it. it's so masculine. you were always protecting me, and i ran and now i'm all fucking emotionless and you're the only thing left of a heart i have. you're one of kind in this life. i guess i should've gave up but i was worth it to you back then so keep pushing. thank you, i love you. i don't even want any of these motherfuckers, i haven't since i realized you protected me and that was a once in a lifetime thing. i fucked up so much and you saw something that was worth it. these motherfuckers don't see anything. and I'm tired of fighting for my life very day, guess you never know what you've got til it's gone.
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the moment i've been waiting for..
i actually saw you! it was really you. i'm so happy but i'm so sad. regret hit me pretty fast and i just wanted to take in that moment. i know i fucked up, i probably won't get the chance to see you again because you're so hard to find. i don't regret my kids, i never will because they completely changed my life. but i wish i could go back and redo being with you, i would've loved you more. i regret that i fucked that up and i know why but looking back as an older more mature person it might as well have been for no reason that i left you. but i will say that a big part of me like has sky rocketed because you're amazing, you were my comfort then and you still possess that. i wish i could be closer to you but i know i've really fucked that off so i'm done looking. i can't bother you, i'm not good with people and i'm perfectly fine with being alone. i don't need someone to kill my loneliness, i just needed to see you as you again. nothing has ever been very stable in my life, maybe that's why it helped me to see you. i cannot keep looking for you though, i'm the destruction that ruins everything i touch at this point and i need to let you live your life and i'll figure mine out eventually. and currently, i'm going to figure out all my little feelings for you that i ever had and then finish my degree and move out of this town.
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my existance
i hate my existence because when i went through some things i cried to hard and wondered how i ended up there but i remember now that i wanted what was real and the only thing that was really real aroud here was fear. i wish i could've caught that back then, where would i be? less traumatized and enough for you?
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losing even morei''m full of loses, i need you now more than ever. my brother is going to federal prison. me and him where so close growing up, and my cousin too she died last year, we were all best friends.., and now we've both been so thoroughly traumatized it's unreal. i need my strength to be everyone else's strength. you never realized but like i was the strong person and i was there when everyone else was scared and you were there for me so i kept it together but this place is fucked. i could cry forever if you wanted me to be true to my feelings because why. why was i born? why did it have to be this way? how did i escape and now i'm right back here? i know my brother is scared. i wish i could tell him what he needed to get his head in the game and realize he already lived it look alive and he got it. but i'm so broken im too busy losing it. i'm going to see you tomorrow because even with a hang over you were amazing and i miss feeling close to you and really need it when i'm hungover even. it takes it all away. i shouldn't massage you but i fucking love you, i can't believe myself. i should've never done that. i'm such an idiot, you were mine, all for me and i didn't know what i had until now. fuck life, it's so fucked. it's absolutely rigged. you never know what you have til it's gone, wtf is that shit. what is this place. i hate all this shit! where are you or i'm gonna to lose it!
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