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well i feel like just putting an end to it all. iv lost all but like 2 friends tho i havent talked to them much cuz one has class and work and the other well she works her ass off for what she has. but lately iv felt so helpless and worthless like no one even cares or remembers im alive or not except those two but i still feel so alone for some reason lately and i just feel like taking myself out of the equation is the only way to feel better anymore. i cant find new friends or even an s/o even when i try i fail at literally everything, idk if i was ment to off myself or find love and friendship when its to late but idk anymore. i dobt even know if ill make it through the week without doing something fucking stupid and or killing myself at this point cuz my life is just a living hell. to my two best friends and i love you both but if i dont make it through this week or month i leave you the good things in my life.

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Freezers are just domesticated winter

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Car guys are the male equivalent of horse girls.

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well im so confused now, idk if she has feelings or not or if im just stuck in the friendzone. i wish i knew, i know she cares about me but how much? iv been thinking about asking her but im just to shy and nervous tho im dieing to know. if there is something there im scared to try cuz of distance but that never stopped me in the past. i just dont know what i should do anymore, my shyness and nervousness just seem to get in the way more and more lately

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It feels like the 90s ended on September 11, 2001. It’s like on that day, someone flipped a switch and the entire world felt completely different.

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Ramblings of Fire

iv been looking for the missing things in my life and havent found much, unless what i really need has been close all along. i know finding the things that make me happy isnt the easiest but there is a few things that do from gaming to designing to gaming and even the few friends i really have. tho i have one thing missing yet but in a way it feels like im not. i mean i have feelings but i dont know if the other person does or not and im genuinely afraid to ask or even let on to it probly do to the fact iv been rejected so many times in life so far. tho id already do anything for this person to start with and i think they can see that but my shyness and fear keep me from trying to go farther into things but one day i might. i mean hell they are like my exact twin in so many ways so that makes it amazing but ill probly never persue anymore then we already are....

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Things have turned around

In the last few weeks things started turning around. The golf got fixed, iv made things right with an old friend and im glad i did iv honestly missed talking to her and she showed me i still have feelings and care about life. Iv started thinking for the long term and searching for more things that make me happy. Iv started editing for youtube again and started back on my photography dreams, now i search for the last few missing things in my life

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the end for me and what i’ve realized now

well im slowly losing the battle with my inner demons and its made me realize i have only 2 friends, a redneck and a computer nerd, the only two that have been here for me due to the toxic people i was “friends” with and knowing i lost some really and good friends along the way, yes i regret them but three most of all, the dodge owner, Honie, and someone i wont name. iv probly hurt them more then i realize and to those 3 im sorry for everything its my fault it all happened. tho 2 of the 3 wont see this anyway, but iv done them all wrong and regret it but ill be better off soon. so this is probly my last post

bye for life -Fire

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what should i do?

should i suck it up and send that message or not? it needs to be done but it hurts to do it.

and life in general what should i do? iv lost so much due to this depression and toxic people i was involved with. but ill try to get back thd friends its made me lose and seperate from those toxins.

-Fire

sidenote:

i maynot be safe from myself anymore tho but time will tell and life my go or stop - Fires Inner Demon

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I should have listened

you know when someone says a group of people is self destructive and depressing you should really listen. i was told that around 6 months to a hear ago and didnt take the warning but now iv seem how bad ot can be and its put me back to my old depressed state that i should never be in and what hurts is realizing you lost a good friend over it and youll probly never talk to her again or even get the chance to apologize and say she was right all along. but i honestly dont have the guts to even try messaging her right now but if she sees this, you were right all along about those guys and im sorry for all that happened between us and im sorry if i ever hurt you - Fire

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Depression

I know theres many people that struggle with depression but heres a bit of my story. Iv struggled with depression and anxiety for many years and honestly it sucks more then anything, iv flirted with death many times do to it. Lately my depression has gotten worse for a few reasons. But iv had one person that has kept me calm and honestly has saved me from self destructing. I wont put her real name but as me and a few others call her Honie, i owe her for saving me from myself many times since we met and without her id probably be dead and gone by now. In the past iv had problems with cutting and many attempts at suicide wether it was guns, knives or running my car at full speed into a tree. Iv almost had success at suicide 4 times but iv either been stopped or some how talked myself out of it. I know i have my demons but i do my best to control them. Im just glad Honie has been around to help me through some major things in my life i couldnt handle alone, its helped me turn my life around and kept me perusing my carrier as a welder and given me the strength to move away from where i currently live to officially start life on my own. I would like to personally thank Honie for helping me through sone of the toughest times in my life. Without your help Hon i wouldnt be here .

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Fire's first blog/love thoughts

This will be my first blog which i know probably wont be to good so please bare with me they will get better over time, this just gonna be me putting my thoughts out there such. Sorry if i ramble on. You ever like someone but you dont know how to show it, ask or if they even feel the same way? Iv had a this problem for a while and honestly have no idea what to do. Like i dont know what to do but yet i wanna know, its just one of those things i suck at but i try. I just wanna know tho and if its the same feelings both ways then it maybe something but i may never know, i just hope one day i do tho. I may not have had but 2 real relationships in my life but they both last 1 1/2 - 2 years each but since the last relationship iv been scared to love again due to being cheated on in both of those. But im slowly coming around once again. And i know i may not be the best human being but i try so damn hard to be the best i can. I know this maybe an off the wall rambley blog but its my first and thanks for reading. -Fire