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there is nothing wrong with being mediocre. there is nothing wrong with not being the best at everything you do. there is no guilt in doing the bare minimum because you have no energy to do more than that. “living your life to the fullest” can mean different things for you at different times in your life. sometimes, it is achieving your goals and fulfilling your purpose, and sometimes, it is allowing yourself to rest and just get through it.

you deserve the space to simply be. to exist, to witness, to breathe, and to find peace.

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“My Answer of Love is You.” Embroidery Confessions Iviva Olenick

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Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Véra

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“With you, intimacy colors my voice. Even ‘hello’ sounds like ‘come here’.”

— Warsan Shire (via bexrps)

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include physically disabled people in your body positivity.

prosthetics, mobility aids, hearing aids, etc. are often extensions of our body to us. not accessories.

these things are highly stigmatized and cause people to think it's okay for them to invade our privacy, boundaries, and bodies.

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people are never the neat little image you carry of them in your head. they will let you down sometimes bc they are human the way you are. they have thoughts theyll never utter the way you do. they have felt shame the way you have. guilt. rage. greed. lust. no matter the rose colored glasses you look at them through, the light they may bring into your life, the way their presence dazzles and warms you. they are still a person with their own volition who will on occasion, do something you perceive as inconceivably out of character. but that’s the point, they aren’t a character. and nor are you. and these are things you must remember. and you’ll have to remember to allow them a place on the ground beside you rather than the golden pedestal you kept them on. and you will feel the grief of recognizing your innate humanity. when you finally recognize your fallibility do not forget to acknowledge it in others. and though it may be painful you must learn to forgive them for it the way you must learn to forgive yourself, too.

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pretty shitty how baseline human activities like singing, dancing and making art got turned into skills  instead of being seen as behaviors

so now it’s like ‘the point of doing them is to get good at them’ and not ‘this is a thing humans do, the way birds sing and bees make hives’.

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into the opal ocean of your dreams

(process shots and the full res version of this artwork are on my patreon)

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Everything seems to be exhausting me. No matter how much sleep I get. Or how much coffee I drink. Or how long I lie down. Something inside me has given up. And I am always so exhausted.

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trying so hard to be normal right now

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made myself a new playlist today

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i miss celine. and everyday it gets heavier as i wake up in each morning. i always put this “brave” mask because i don’t want her to see my weakness. i want her to show that i’m strong and that i can handle this because that’s what she needs right now. but there are some days that i can’t even put that mask on, including today. everyday, i try to suppress all of the feelings that i have. i do not talk about it to anyone, not even my mom, not even celine. because i want them to see that i’ve already swallowed the hard truth. but as i try to conceal my feelings, it gets heavier. i miss celine and i don’t know what to do about it. at this point i don’t even know how am i going to handle it. i try not to be my self when i’m talking to her lately and i try so hard to suppress my feelings because i don’t want her to be pressured to give me updates and whatnot. i mean thats the reason why im narrating my day here on tumblr so that she’ll read it in one go. 

i try to be brave but today i am not. i got triggered by something and now i’m feeling these rush of emotions. it is heavy. it sucks when you can’t do nothing or anything at all for your girlfriend who’s sick. all i can do is try to show her my support and let her know that i’m here but sometimes i feel like she’s not very fond about that. i want to do something. i want to offer her everything that i can but i couldn’t do it because i have no money. i am also not a doctor. i also do not have the hands of god who can easily bring miracle to people. it sucks being me at this point because i’m worthless. i want to help but i don’t know how to. i want to help but i know that it will not be enough. 

there are also days when i dislike lord. i try not to use the word ‘hate’ because that is a strong word. i dislike him because out of all people, why would she even give celine a disease. celine doesn’t even deserve to be sick. not even a little bit. i just don’t understand his reason for all of these. thats why i dislike him. sometimes i cant even talk to him in prayers because theres a part in my heart where i cant even fathom to understand him, but i try not to. i try not to do that. and i still try to talk to him in my prayers because thats what celine needs right now. and i know that it is the only way for her to feel my presence. 

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031921, 032021, 032121

my love, 

finally natapos na rin ang midterms week namin! mababalik ko na ulit ang old routine ko. grabe talaga ‘tong week na ‘to eh, pero ang bilis lang din niya natapos. ang ayoko lang kasi talaga sa week na ‘to yung pag-inom ko ng energy drink. meron pa nga ako sa ref eh. eh diba nakwento ko dito na parang sinamaan ako ng katawan nung isang araw. hindi ko rin sure kung dahil ba ‘yun sa pag-inom ko ng energy drink eh. bigla ko tuloy naisip yung kaibigan ko bub, kasi kada araw nakaka dalawa or tatlong cobra ata yun. tas araw-araw yun hahahaha taena di ko kaya yun. next time baka ang i-try ko naman yung sting na red. 

grabe rin yung urge ko to smoke kahit isang stick lang kasi ewan ko ba bigla akong naumay sa routine ko. this week is supposedly fun dapat kaso alam mo yun naumay ako. siguro isang factor na rin yung parang 2020 remastered na naman ‘tong taon na ‘to. grabe isang taon na lumipas pero hindi pa rin nila alam kung paano i-handle tong pandemic na ‘to. pero don’t worry bub di ako nag-smoke kasi napigilan ko naman tsaka alam kong magagalit ka sakin. 

kanina nalaman ko na nag-nebulizer ka pala huhu nahihirapan ka siguro ulit huminga :( and nakwento ko sayo na nanood ako ng moxie nung isang araw. okay siya, feminist movie siya. tsaka parang if you want to join the revolution parang isa syang good way to start that spirit. yung kapag gusto mo mag join sa mga activist organization ganun. or parang ano eye opener din siya sa iba’t ibang issue. okay siyang film bub. 

baka mag start na ako mag aral ulit ng mga lessons para matupad ko na yung thrice akong magbabasa. ayoko na talaga magka backlogs kasi ako lang din nahihirapan sa dulo eh :( yung ust pala bub may internship na sa july. kaya raw yung students parang ineencourage na magpavaccine. ewan ko lang kung ano mangyayari samin hahaha wala pa kasi sinasabi taalaga eh. 

i had one of the most boring day of my life. although nagligo ako ng dalawang dogs pero ewan ko ba. i just want to sleep the whole day to escape the reality pero masisira naman sleeping schedule ko kapag ganun hay. 

i ate cream dory and ampalaya! ang bigat sa tiyan. kumain din ako croissant tas chocolate chip cookie kanina. ang sarap niya. 

hope you had a nice day bub. 

all the love, 

pao

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More @wander-uploads

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031721 and 031821

my love, 

eto yung araw na sobrang sama lang talaga ng pakiramdam ko. di ko rin alam kung bakit pero sumama pakiramdam ko. nanlalata ako ‘tas feeling ko may sinat ako ‘tas wala akong gana sa lahat. supposedly nung pagkagising ko dapat mag-aaral ako kaso di ko talaga kinaya. ‘tapos nauumay din yung panlasa ko. nakakainis. sabi ng mga friends ko baka raw dahil to sa sleeping routine ko ‘tas sa pag-inom ko ng energy drink. almost a week na rin kasi akong umiinom ng cobra. it’s either cobra or red bull. di na kasi talaga gumagana sakin yung kape. 

di rin ako nakapag-aral nyan kasi nga masama pakiramdam ko. kaya nanood lang ako ng grey’s anatomy. grabe halos matapos tapos ko na yung season 6. inabot din ako ng umaga kakanood. inaasar nga nila ako kasi iba talaga body clock ko. kala mo nasa ibang bansa ako. ang pangit lang dito di ako nakakain ng tama. katulad nung isang araw, di ako nakakain ng kanin. tinapay lang kinain ko tsaka oatmeal kasi nga ang gising ko its either 11pm or 12am na. inaasar nila ako na westerner :( hahaha

di ko alam kung interested ka dito sa sasabihin ko pero alam mo bang may mga stock ng platelets na nakatago sa spleen. yep, you read that right bub. lumalabas yang mga nakatago na platelets na ‘yan kapag emergency. 

tas bub nakakaamaze pala kasi nakwento sakin ni rae na yung iba naming friends, nagalingan sakin nung case study presentation namin sa aubf lab. ayan yung time na kinwento ko sa’yo na feel ko bobo ako kasi di ko nadiagnose yung totoong sakit nung patient, nadiagnose ko pero generalized term lang. wala naamaze lang ako na akala nila magaling ako pero hindi naman talaga :( 

diba bub love mo parin ako, sadyang wala ka lang talaga gana sa lahat. minsan kasi naiisip ko na baka di mo na ako love ganun pero don’t worry alam kong love mo parin ako. tapos nagiguilty din ako sa mga messages na sinesend ko sayo. feel ko kasi naka lean sya towards positivity, or di kaya lagi ko sayo sinasabi na love kita. eh ikaw nga umay na umay sa sakit mo. alam mo yun bub, kaya ako na-guilty bigla kasi hindi aligned. 

anyway, sobrang miss na kita. im always praying for your fast recovery. 

lall the love,

pao 

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031621

my love,

almost a week na rin simula nung masira sleeping schedule ko. and what i mean by that is hapon na ako natutulog ‘tas gabi na ako nagigising. complete naman hours of sleep ko kaso sa hapon lang talaga ako natutulog. ngayong sem din ako nag-try makipag reconnect sa mga friends ko and to be honest medyo ang gaan pala sa pakiramdam bub. alam mo naman last sem na di ako sumasama sakanila because i don’t feel like myself. pero this time feel kong medyo nagreresurface na yung dating ako before quarantine. talking doesn’t exhaust me that much compare last sem. and everytime na nag-aaral ako kasabay ko sila. nasasanay na nga ako bub na may kasabay mag-aral. ewan ko pero yung productivity ko tumataas ‘pag may nakikita akong kasabay ko.

sa grey’s anatomy naman, nadidiretso ko na siya ulit. pinapanood ko siya tuwing umaga bago ako matulog. ang heavy lang talaga ng impact sakin ng grey’s. pinapakita kasi yung hirap ni iz tapos naiimagine ko na ikaw yung nandun sa situation na ‘yun :( bub di ata kakayanin ng puso ko na makita na nanghihina ka. kaya sobrang taas ng respeto and sumasaludo ako kay tita eh. kasi ikaw panganay at anak ka niya, at alam kong nanghihina rin siya na ganyan ka pero ang tapang talaga ni tita.

i got 91 sa hema lecture tapos 43 sa hema laboratory! i hope i made you proud. and i woke up nga pala sa message mo na about sa kung makakauwi ka pa ba. bub tiwala lang and patience talaga :( makakauwi ka rin, okay? :(

all the love,

pao

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