evermore-problems

[evermore-problems]

Virginia Woolf, from a diary entry featured in "a passionate apprentice"

[evermore-problems]

love my daydream universe where i was the perfect daughter and granddaughter and sister and friend right from the start and everyone was so glad i was around and so happy to see me and so proud of me and i had something to offer for real and i never let anyone down and there was never any fighting or pain and it was all healthy and good and warm for all of us

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i wish i grew up before the internet and i wish my brain wasn’t attached to social media from childhood and i wish i didn’t know how it felt to be advertised to 24/7 and i wish the never-ending feed inside my brain would stop updating 

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as of late 💌

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“I never feel good in the clothes I wear”

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“Seeing my scars fade makes my brain think I need to do it again.”

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“I could be doing “fine” but as soon as a small inconvenience happens, I am right back at the suicidal tendencies because I realise how much life sucks and how useless I am.”

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My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no holes punched into the walls, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. No fear, no hurt and no worries. I may come from a broken and twisted place but I will build something whole and safe.

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How I know when I'm on track

When I can easily refuse food when its offered to me without batting an eyelash.

When the smell, thought and look of food makes me feel nauseous.

When I feel light headed whenever I walk and the room sort of spins when I’m lying down.

When the only reason I need to use the bathroom is to urinate because of how much water I’m drinking.

When my tummy starts trimming down and my hip bones appear.

When my stomach grumbles constantly.

When I start fitting into my sisters size 6 clothes.

When I’m losing weight every week.

When I no longer have an appetite and binging isn’t a problem anymore.

When people start noticing my weight loss and tell me how small I’ve gotten.

When my sister notices how I’m never eating and says I’m anorexic.

When I finally feel like I have gained control of my body and mind.

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me before lunch: you know what fuck anorexia im gonna eat a full meal and a banana and a cake and not count calories i am perfect the way i am i dont need to be skinny

me after lunch: WHAT HAVE I DONE

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i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat i’m fat

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Little reminders

Eating 1000 calories is better than a binge Eating 500 calories is better than eating 1000 Eating does not = binging

Maintaining weight is better than gaining Losing .1 is better than losing nothing Losing half a pound is better than nothing Not losing 1-2 lbs a day does not = failure

Doing only stretches and nothing else is better than not doing anything. Walking the dog once is better than only doing stretches Doing a short workout is better than no workout at all Not having a heavy workout day does not = doing nothing

Having one happy thought is better than none Being anxiety free for one 5 minute period is better than none Having a panic attack or episode does not = ruined day

Doing one piece of schoolwork is better than doing none Reading 5 pages of a book is better than reading none Doing part of your school work is better than doing none or a little Doing something is better than nothing Not doing everything in a day does not = day wasted

Not everyday is perfect

In fact most days aren’t

At the spot you are at now maybe no day is perfect

But little changes and little steps deserve praise

Any improvement is worth noting

Something is better than nothing

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survival mode

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every night i'm dancing with your ghost

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quiero que te quede bien grabado

te quiero por quien eres y no por lo que aparentas ser

y estoy agradecido contigo

por ser alguien maravillosa

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just leave me fucking alone .

give me up

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🔪